


You're My Favorite Kind of Nightmare Fuel

by mewsifer, SniperMoran



Category: Death Stranding (Video Games)
Genre: ...that's what Higgs thinks anyway, Amelie is the WORST (tm), Bridges are assholes too, Bridges people are asshats, Canon-Typical Violence, Demisexuality, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Fragile is a hardcore leather lesbian, Higgs and Fragile are bffs, Higgs and Fragile are gal pals, Higgs deserves all the love ever, Higgs is Sam's princess, Higgs is a brat, Higgs is a princess, Higgs is a tough cookie, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Internalized Homophobia, Legendary Handsome Hardass Sam, M/M, MULEs are assholes, Mildly Dubious Consent, Not Canon Compliant, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Violence, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sam is a soft boy, Soft Boys, everyone's assholes except Sam, fear of the dark, past homophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:15:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 89,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22221667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mewsifer/pseuds/mewsifer, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SniperMoran/pseuds/SniperMoran
Summary: Before Amelie got her claws in Higgs Monaghan, he was a great porter, with strong feelings for an even greater porter.akaHiggs and Sam as young porters
Relationships: Sam Porter Bridges/Higgs Monaghan
Comments: 65
Kudos: 108





	1. Chapter 1

Porters deliver. When nothing else in the world moves or functions, there are porters, the people brave or foolish enough to traverse the harsh landscape in order to bring other people the things that they need to continue living their lonely existences in their bunkers, shelters and isolated cities.

Higgs had been one of those other kind of people, once, trapped in a bunker and made to think that there was nothing else beyond his door. He had been far too curious a boy to really and truly believe that – where would their food come from, if there was nothing and no one else out there? Where did their supplies come from?  
He was no fool, though he was made to play one until he sought out his own freedom through blood shed.

Free now to do as he pleased and roam where he wanted to, Higgs was a porter, so he could help people in their small isolated worlds. He liked the job well enough – he got to explore the world as he had always wanted to.

He was on a run to make a delivery when the rainbow showed, a flock of birds flying quickly and desperately away from the coming Timefall. He couldn't help his smile as he watched them, standing there on a cliff-side.

Timefall. It was always the fucking Timefall. And when it wasn't the Timefall it was the damn BTs. 

Sam made his way to shelter, spotting an alcove in the cliffs where he could take cover from the rain. The cargo he carried currently wouldn't allow for him to outrun the rain and was too damn heavy if the ground started to get slippery. 

So in he went, detaching his cargo, and sitting down to rest by it, waiting for the rain to start and pass.

Some of the birds made it, because they were faster, stronger, smarter, but many others fell to the Timefall, their feathers going grey and withering as the water touched them.

Higgs stood there, watching it for a few moments before putting his hood up, the Timefall getting closer and closer. He was still smiling, even when he turned to look in the direction of the noise from nearby. Spotting another being in the cave just over the rocky area behind him, Higgs sprinted over, laughing as he slipped a few times, though never falling.

"Timefall's a bitch, don't you think? Probably the worst thing about all of this, in my opinion."

Sam looked up at the voice coming toward him, having thought he was alone. He sighed heavily, rubbing at his shoulders. 

"Yeah, the Timefall, not the BTs waiting to blow your ass up at the moment they get their slimy hands on you." He breathed a laugh. 

Some of these kid porters were always so over eager to make friends. They weren't made for the lonely lifestyle, or at least hadn't gotten accustomed to it yet.

"Guessing you haven't had to deal with many of those yet? They dot the damn landscape just north of here."

"Oh, I've dealt with quite a few, actually. Even been in the middle of two voidouts," Higgs shrugged slightly, carefully setting aside his pack to plop himself down on the floor of the cave.

"BTs you can get away from, or just come back, but Timefall... there's no coming back from that. You age and that's it– that isn't any sort of fun!" Higgs added, glancing towards the other porter with a raised brow.

Sam felt the annoyance bubble up at the thought of being stuck here with someone until the rain stopped. But the cargo, and the payment, were just too precious to risk getting damaged. 

"You're a repatriate? Me too. Been through one of the voidouts near Capital Knot." He sighed, looking him over carefully, not trusting that the kid wasn't a MULE or some shit. Homo demen or whatever they called them. 

"None of this is any fucking fun. It's all shit." He shook his head, leaning back against his pack.

"It's fun if you make it fun," Higgs replied with a bit of a shrug, noticing the other man looking him over. He couldn't help smirking lightly, absently fiddling with the straps on his jumpsuit.

"But you don't seem like the kind that wants to make this any fun. You kind of look like a hardass, actually. So, either you've been at this way too fucking long and you look damn good for your age, or you've just always been a hardass," Higgs purred, leaning back slightly to look at the other man, a brow raised.

Sam huffed, irritated by this already. He was a hardass and he didn't much care to have people around. He also did look damn good for his age.

"Or maybe you're just a stupid kid with cargo high? Either way, we're both fucked in the end." He said simply, looking away from the other man, trying not to encourage him anymore.

"Oof, touchy, touchy Mr. Hardass~" Higgs pretended to look offended for a moment before sighing and sprawling himself out on the floor of the cave. "I do this job because it's the only one there is that I can do," he replied, the playfulness gone from his voice. "Gotta make money to live, but I was never taught any useful skills. Best I can do is hike my ass around and die for people that are too afraid to, or can't come back," he huffed.

This guy wasn't any fun it seemed. He could make some comment about both being fucked, and happily agreeing to that idea, but he didn't seem the type to play along.

"So being a repatriate is all you've got going for you then? You're pretty, kid; go into the cities, marry someone with money. You don't want to be stuck doing this shit." Sam sighed, watching the other guy spread out on the ground.

The rain didn't look to be letting up any time soon. Sam did have a reputation to uphold. He was a hardass, but he never got shorted his payment and people never got too friendly. It was a win win.

Higgs blinked, leaning his head back a bit more on the ground to glance at the other man, a curiosity bubbling in his belly.

"You think I'm pretty?" He asked quietly, his voice sounding oddly soft a moment before he burst into laughter, curling to sit back up and hold his knees. "You might need to get your eyes checked, Mr. Hardass. You get Timefall in em sometime or what?" He sighed, wiping a tear from his face as he shook his head.

"I go to the cities, marry some bastard with money - _just for the money mind you_ \- and I'll be stuck inside for the rest of my damn life just like I was before finding my own fuckin freedom. I'd rather stay out here. I'll go against BTs, even deal with fucking Timefall before I put myself back underground. Pretty just gets you used."

Nobody wants damaged goods, anyway.

"Well, you might be stupid and pretty, but at least you seem to have some sense. I wasn't much cut out for city life either." Sam said simply, crossing his legs at his ankles, getting more comfortable and stretching his back. 

"They live their whole lives relying on us dipshits to deliver everything. Most of them don't even know what it's like out here." He finally turned to look at the other guy.

"I'm Sam."

"Sam," he repeated, letting the name sit heavy on his tongue a moment before grinning to himself and sprawling out on the cave floor again. "Guess you'd rather I stop calling you Mr. Hardass, then, since you're introducing yourself properly," he chuckled lightly before heaving a sigh.

"Good to meet you, Sam. Not often I run into other porters. We all seem to stay pretty far away from each other. I mean, otherwise it's just me everyone's avoidin," he barked another laugh. "But you seem like one of the good ones. Do the job, do it right. Point A, Point B. ...but is that living? Do you ever explore? Just wander the land, take in the sights?"

"Do plenty of that." Sam shrugged, looking at the other guy with curiosity now. 

"There's never a delivery too far. Just go and see what there is to see. Kind of the nice part of being a repatriate. Don't have to take the roads. Can cut through. If you slip and die, oh well. Pick your shit up and get moving."

Another grin spread Higgs' lips as he rolled over onto his belly, resting his chin in his hands as he looked over to Sam.

"Something we can agree on, then. Death means nothing when you can just come back. There's nothing holding us back," he paused, rolling his shoulders. "Then again, there's also no way out. Always comin back, even if you wished you wouldn't. Beach, Seam, Repatriate, repeat."

Eventually, it all goes a bit stale. Living, dying, even the stuff in between.

Sam frowned looking down at his hands in his lap now. He'd tried taking the easy way out quite a few times. Every time he came back, body better than it was before. 

He'd had a reason, been given a reason, but that reason was ripped away from him and there was nothing that could fill that void. Cold and empty. 

"Just wonder what the fucking point is. You're born, you die, you're born again. It's exhausting, and knowing other people don't have to go through that..."

"They get to just die when they're done. Get to just be over... They're so fragile, but it seems a bit like... they live more than I do. I've lived over and over, but I could never really live like people that only have one go around. You know what I mean, don't you Sam?" Higgs looked to him curiously.

What were the odds that of all the porters out there to get stuck in a cave with, he gets stuck with one with DOOMS, that is also a repatriate just like he is?  
Pretty fucking small odds, but he always was good at beating the shit out of the odds, anyway.

"Makes you wonder... the world stops going around, do we keep waking up despite there being nothing? Can anything actually, real and truly kill us? End the fucking cycle?"

"Time." Sam said simply, turning and looking over at the other man. "Life means less when you know you'll be back. There aren't as many risks, sure, but we all run out of time." He sighed heavily, running his hands along his face.

"Seems to be the only thing that ends it all and it doesn't even exist on the Beach. We all get old. Maybe us repatriates are the only ones that have the luxury of that, of getting old."

"Time," he repeated, nodding slightly. "Hmm...you may be right. Never actually tried hanging out in Timefall... should see what happens sometime," he sighed, rolling onto his back again so he could hop up and move to the mouth of the cave, peering out.

He sniffed the air, closing his eyes.  
_BTs_.  
He could smell them roaming the area nearby.

"We've company incoming," he hummed, toeing the line of where the Timefall would reach him and the safety of the cave.

If he was going to test Timefall, he wouldn't do it in front of Sam. Bad manners and all, dying in front of someone you just met.

"Don't fuck around with the Timefall. It doesn't give a shit if you die and come back. It keeps what it takes and no amount of dying gives that back." Sam warned, sitting himself up and watching the edge of the cave line. 

"I can feel them. Are you able to see the BTs or just sense them? As long as we stay quiet they should leave us alone." He reminded, smirking at the other man. "If you think you can manage keeping your trap shut for a few minutes."

It was tempting, really. Pull down his hood, step out into it all and just see what happens.  
Wouldn't be the first time he played things close to the chest, but... for some reason, he was still stuck on thinking it was bad manners. He didn't think it was... _right_ to make Sam watch something like that.

"I can see em. Smell em, and hear em, too," he breathed, closing his eyes, taking a step backwards into the cave. "I'll stay nice and quiet, just for you, though," he smirked, miming zipping his lips shut as he leaned against the cave wall.

Despite seeming standoffish at first, Sam was actually rather fun. He teased, he played, he wasn't as _boring_ as Higgs had first assumed him to be.

"Just sit down or something, you're making me anxious." Sam looked him over, getting the feeling like the kid would run out into the rain any minute now. 

He remembered being a young porter. He hoped he wasn't so obnoxious, but back then he did enjoy seeing other people. They were much more frequent when he started.

With a soft, indignant huff, Higgs sank to the floor of the cave, throwing Sam a look of ' _happy now?_ '

The air got colder as the BTs approached, softly groaning and growling as they dragged themselves across the ground, leaving handprints in their wake.  
These weren't even the interesting kind, just normal fucking BTs, traveling with the Timefall.

"They're here," he breathed, his words coming off as a puff on cold air.

Sam held his hand over his mouth, breathing quietly. He could hear them, see faint outlines of their movements.

He wasn't afraid of them anymore, but he certainly didn't like them. He stayed as quiet as he could, waiting them out and not trusting the kid to keep quiet. 

His cargo would be worth a shit load if he got it there safe. A voidout would really piss him off right now.

Despite the silent mistrust, Higgs did stay quiet as promised. He watched the beings move about, searching endlessly for... well, whatever it was they were searching for. He'd never stopped to ask, really. Perhaps they just wanted to drag others with them, or perhaps they were lost, somewhere between Beach, Seam, and reality.

When finally they all passed, leaving handprints in their wake, Higgs let out a breath, relaxing.

"Guess you're going to be heading off then, Sam?" He asked, glancing towards the other man. "It was nice being stuck in a cave with you. Maybe we can do this again sometime," he grinned, wiggling his eyebrows. "Maybe next time we can be a bit more fucked," he added in a tease before grabbing up his pack, slinging it on carefully.

"Catch you 'round, handsome hardass~" he called as he exited the cave, pulling his hood up as he hurried off.

Sam rolled his eyes, hooking himself back up to his pack and his ridiculously stacked cargo. He missed having all that energy, that zest for life. 

Well... if he ever had it that is. He realized he'd never even caught the kid's name. Sure did like to talk without saying much. 

He wondered if he'd ever see him again, even just in passing. Part of him felt like he would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My baby Higgs boy is such a little spazz, j love him ♡
> 
> We are going on that Sam is 27 and Higgs is 19 by the way


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some more bonding between the best damn porters in the UCA
> 
> Higgs showing some of his weaknesses, his faults  
> Sam takes things in stride

A few deaths and many deliveries later, Higgs was out in the field with his next delivery when he spotted a rather familiar looking hardass, hauling himself and his excessive amount of cargo in the same direction he himself was going.

"That you, handsome hardass Sam?" He called out, a grin on his face as he jogged his way over to the other porter.

Sam turned and looked to the voice that was calling toward him, now walking next to him. 

"Hey kid! You stalking me or something? I know I'm a good porter but I didn't know I had a fan club." He teased, giving as much of a smile that Sam seemed capable of.

"While I am certainly the president of said fan club - population me - no, I'm just on a job, same as you," he grinned, leaning back a bit as he walked, whistling low. "Sure got a hefty load there. You said you're just a _good_ porter? Might want to talk to someone about giving you a better status title. More like _legendary_ porter!"

Sam rolled his eyes, pushing the kid with his shoulder a bit. "Maybe you should put some meat on your bones, you could carry a few more packages, princess." He teased lightly, not at all one to judge the weight of another porter's load. 

"Then again, I guess it's not the size of the package that matters, right?" He teased, falling into step with the other man.

Higgs felt his cheeks flush with warmth at the easy banter that was returned, including the teasing little petname.

"Not the size but how you use and deliver it that matters, ain't that right?" He purred in question, his gaze racking over Sam a quick moment before flicking back in the direction they were both traveling.

"I can take more than I look like I can, I assure you."

Sam smiled, walking in a companionable silence for a little while. "So where you heading? As long as we're going the same place, we could travel together if you wanted." He offered, looking to him and trying not to turn much. When he did, his pack dug into his shoulders painfully.

"I won't share any of my worms though. You need to get your own." He looked him over from the corner of his eye. It would feel quite good to have some company.

"Last stop for this leg of my trip is Central Knot, then I'm going to try to pick something up that'll send me back the whole other way. Criss crossing the landscape, you know?" He grinned, but made a face at the comment about worms.

"You can keep your grubs to yourself - think I prefer that protein paste shit over crytobiotes anyday," he grumbled, feeling his stomach growl at the mention of any food in general.  
He hadn't stopped to eat in some time, partially because he didn't have any food on him anyway. Lost it, in one of his deaths.

Sam heard the kid's stomach growl, feeling sympathy for him. He was still young, probably didn't have much money for food. 

"Eh, the cryptobiotes grow on you. And at least it's a hot meal." He teased, digging in his bag and pulling out a protien bar in one of the appetizing gray bags that simply read _'edible'_ on the side. 

"Here. I won't eat it. It'll just rot in the pouch... if they do that." He said, holding the bar out to the other man.

Higgs blinked, glancing to the offered food item, a wary look passing his features a moment before he took it.

"Thanks - I owe you one," he said, breaking open the pouch to munch on the bland, awful bar. The chocolate in it was nice, but there wasn't enough of it to make the damn thing extremely palatable. It didn't help, of course, that the idea of owing anyone anything had a lump forming in Higgs' throat.

"You ever eat anything other than those grubs? I mean, you must, right? Not like you're skin and bones. You maintain muscle mass somehow," he hummed, not so subtly appreciating said muscles on the other man.

Sam laughed, shaking his head and looking him over. "Wipe your chin before you drool everywhere." He jabbed, knowing he did maintain a decent build despite food shortages.

"I make trips to the farm. They have wheat there so they can make bread. If you want, and promise not to take all the work, I can get you in making light deliveries." He offered, readjusting his pack. "Even the protein paste tastes good on fresh bread. They make beer too, but are you even old enough to drink?" He asked, looking him over skeptically. 

It was hard to tell age. Sam looked young, but he knew some guys in their 20s who looked like they were in their 70s. Timefall really was a bitch.

His cheeks warmed again and he couldn't help the light bubble of laughter as he gently bumped the other man's shoulder.

"I'm old enough to ogle you while traversing in an apocalyptic countryside," he chuckled, gripping his pack as they went over some bumpy terrain. "Truth is, I don't know how old I am. Hard to tell passage of time when you're stuck underground, and my... we never celebrated my birthday. Besides, world's gone mostly to shit, you think anyone's really going to give two fucks if I'm not _'old enough'_?" He asked bitterly, pointedly not just speaking about the consumption of alcohol as that smile fell from his face and he went quiet a moment, munching on the gifted protein bar.

"Anyways... I wouldn't want to take a good gig from you. Probably worked damn hard to earn their trust enough to get in with them anyhow."

"Some of us still held onto our humanity, kid. I know it's not a lot, but we're still out here." He reassured, watching the way his face twisted. He knew how handsy some people could be. And the kid wasn't very big, anything could have happened to him.

"Nah. Like I said, you can take some of the light loads. I'm the only idiot willing to take the big ones. If I break my back during a delivery, well, I keep a loaded gun and I'll just pick up where I left off." He shrugged, looking away and at his feet, carefully stepping.

"Don't fuck me over and I'll put in a good word. My recommendation means a lot to some people."

That smile came back, at least to his lips, as they kept on going, but it didn't reach his eyes this time.

"Then, I'd appreciate it. I'll do my damn best job - wouldn't want to be running your name through the shit. Legendary Handsome Hardass, Sam the Delivery Man," Higgs giggled excitedly, nearly stumbling as he did so.

"Who knows, maybe I'll actually grow up big and strong like you someday," he added, putting on a small, dreamy voice as he teased.

It felt different this time around. Sam felt like he was more at ease - probably because he could just walk another direction and get the fuck away if he wanted, vs. being stuck in a cave together.

"...hey... uhm... thank you though, Sam. Really..."

"Shut up." He said, warmth still in his eyes and voice. 

Sam looked over at him, looking him over once. He realized this guy probably wasn't as young as he looked, just on the thin side. He'd already hinted at being through quite a bit and if it were true and he remained so playful... well this was a kid worth knowing. 

"What's your name then, princess?" He asked, wanting to get to know him a bit better. Might be nice to have some company, no matter how obnoxious.

That pet name again. Higgs knew Sam was teasing him but really—

"Mm... think I like you calling me _'princess'_ more than I like my actual name," he hummed, throwing a quick side glance at Sam as he took another bite from his protein bar. "It's Higgs, though," he admitted, looking back in the direction they were traveling.

It was only fair that he share a little, give him something, when Sam had given him so much already.

Sam looked him over again, letting the name settle in with his face. "Yeah? Think I might stick with princess." He teased lightly, still leading the way. 

"How long you been a porter? Or are years really not something you count now you're in the world?"

Warmth trickled to his ears at Sam calling him _'princess'_ again, oddly enjoying it, though not commenting back about it.

"Don't really know how to count years, if I'm honest. Never did before I got free, never learned how while I've been traveling. But it's been at least..." Higgs furrowed his brow as he was thinking. "About 1096 days since I became a porter? I do count those, and I count deaths too, but you don't want to know that number."

"You count your deaths?" Sam asked curiously. He never had. Didn't want to know. 

"There's 365 days in a year. You can keep counting the days, but that's how it goes." He explained simply, knowing it was actually common for preppers not to know some fairly basic things. But that didn't make them stupid. Not at all. 

They often had other things to worry about than trivial things like the passage of time.

"Oh, yeah. Keep tally of them actually. Written down some of the really memorable ones," he grinned, shrugging his shoulders a bit. "I imagine from that look, and the way you asked... you don't count your deaths? Or keep track of them in any way?" He hummed, glancing to Sam again.

If there's 365 days in a year, and it had been 1096 days...

"So about 3 years I've been a porter, then," he made a somewhat surprised face, nodding. "Sounds like so much more when you put it to years instead of days, somehow, even though the actual number is smaller, and the passage of time is the same."

"Just the sound of a year is longer. Especially when you take it a day at a time." Sam shrugged, starting to slow down a bit. It was probably time for him to get some rest. Or at least set his pack down for a bit.

"What is your death count? It must mean something to you if you keep one." He asked, ignoring the pain in his shoulders and continuing on. He already knew the distraction of company would be welcomed.

Higgs noticed the slowing of their pace and the uncomfortable look that crossed Sam's face momentarily.

"1976," he replied with a shrug. "A bunch are from before I got out of the bunker," he added, rolling his neck.

"Hey, do you want to see if we can find a shelter somewhere and rest a few moments? Or does your delivery have a time limit?" He asked, pushing away from his death toll, sure that Sam didn't really want to know more than the number.

Sam frowned at the thought of having died so many times. He's died more times than he'd spent days as a porter. He decided not to press on the matter right now.

"Yeah, that might be a good idea. Get some rest and keep this up in the morning." He nodded, letting himself be lead for now. Higgs' load was lighter, letting him move easier and find a spot for them.

They found a shelter in which they could set their gear down and take a load off for a while. Higgs set his pack down and then stepped away a little so he could stretch, rolling his shoulders and his neck before throwing himself to the ground against his pack.

"How long have you been a porter, Sam?"

"As long as I can remember. Maybe 10 years now? I was 17 or 18 when I left home." He frowned, scratching at his face. "Though... being... who I am had its benefits and detriments... I removed myself from that person and made a name for myself out here." He smiled slightly, relaxing against his pack, rubbing at his shoulders and cracking his back.

"So you're... like 27? 28?" Higgs asked curiously, wondering how old he was. He probably could figure it out if he sat a moment and did the math of days and the year conversion that Sam had provided for him.

"Wait, being who you are? Removed yourself from that person? That's some sketchy sounding shit right there, Handsome Hardass Sam. Do I smell a backstory in there?"

The younger man chuckled, sprawling himself on the ground again, just as he had at the cave.

Sam watched him stretch out in the dirt, shaking his head. "I'd really rather not share who I was just yet. No one dangerous, I assure you." He smiled, watching him curiously. 

"You won't eat my worms, but you'll roll around like them." He teased, wondering how he found himself so comfortable on the ground.

"Even if you were dangerous, I wouldn't be afraid. Whatcha gonna do, kill me?" Higgs tilted his head back to look at Sam with a sly smirk before shrugging his shoulders.

"Do what you gotta do with what you got," he said simply, as if that explained it all.

Really, though, the ground was often more comfortable than anything else.

"Fair point. It's hard to be afraid of anyone when their biggest threat is just a minor annoyance." Sam shook his head with a yawn. He crossed his arms, closing his eyes for a moment. 

"Wake me if I fall asleep?"

"Mmm, only if it's necessary. I feel like, if you actually fall asleep like that, odds are you probably need the sleep," Higgs shrugged, still sprawled out like a star fish.

"Do you sleep much, usually?"

"Not a lot. Hard to get any sleep out here, don't you think? I tend to just keep moving." He explained, words slow as he started to drift. He felt rather safe with the other man here to watch over him.

"Hard to sleep anyway, but yeah, I get what you mean," he replied with a hum to his voice. "I'll sleep when we stop in Central Knot. They have private rooms and I think I might see if I can't snag one. Catch some sleep and maybe even get a real shower..."

Sam smiled and looked over at Higgs. He realized he was completely spoiled. "You'll find out soon enough, but I have a pull at most of the Knot cities and distro centers. If you ever want to use a private room just let them know you're a friend of Sam's. You might even get some real food." He smiled slightly. 

What was the point of power if you didn't get to abuse it now and then. Especially for people who deserved it.

"You're granting me far too much power here, Sam," Higgs laughed, but it sounded a bit unsure, like he was suddenly feeling uncomfortable for some reason.

He owed Sam food already, and was going to owe him if he got Higgs this extra delivery gig from the farm. He didn't need to owe Sam even more by using his name as pull to get a private room.

He didn't want to be that indebted to a single person ever again, if he could help it.

Sam shrugged and looked at him warmly. "It's ok. I hate the government." He said simply. "They have the resources to help but they don't. And being who I am, I think I have the right to abuse that power a bit."

Furrowing his brow a bit, Higgs let his eyes close, letting his mind wander a little.

_Being who he was._

"Well... I appreciate it, but I don't want to go around flashing your name that much. It seems... rude, I guess?" He shrugged a little against the ground, his shoulders creaking slightly.  
"Now shut up and get some rest."

"Use it when you have to. It's not rude if you have permission." Sam wiggled down a bit so he was in more of a laying position. "At least until your name is better known." He closed his eyes, letting himself rest his eyes. 

He slowly felt himself drifting into sleep.

When the sun had set and night fell, Higgs found himself scooting closer to Sam, curling up against his legs as he listened to the sounds.  
He didn't like the night, not out in the open - not that they were completely in the open, but... he just didn't like actually experiencing the nights.

When a loud noise of something popping in the distance made him jump, he pressed himself close to Sam, damn near clinging to the man's pant leg.

Sam stirred awake at the feeling, opening his eyes and seeing Higgs shaking. "Hey... you alright?" He asked quietly, still half in and half out. "Look at me, what's wrong?" He asked, sitting up a bit more, having a better look around.

Hearing Sam's voice, Higgs quickly straightened up and pulled away, averting his gaze.

"It's nothing. Sorry, I just- it's nothing," he replied quickly, hoping the other man wouldn't be angry that he had curled so close. "I didn't mean to wake you; it's not morning yet."

"C'mere princess. Scared of the dark?" Sam asked softly, not mocking him. He remembered being terrified of the dark even after he'd left the city. The world out here was a totally different type of dark and you never knew what lingered in it. 

He reached up, switching on his odradek's light to the lowest setting. "That better?" He asked quietly, knowing admitting fears was embarrassing out here, but there was no shame in it.

Higgs' shoulders trembled slightly as he tried to hold it together tried not to think, but Sam's voice was there, being gentle and giving him an out.

Clenching his jaw and biting into his own tongue until he felt the gush of iron, Higgs turned and looked at Sam, his eyes filled with that fear, that worry.

He scooted closer again, but he was careful not to touch, careful not to show too much of this weakness of his.

Weaknesses like these get you killed needlessly, after-all.

"...m' sorry..."

"Shh... is that enough light or do you want it set higher?" Sam asked, reaching up and adjusting it again. "Get some sleep, or at least rest." He hummed, holding out his hand for him to hold. 

He knew people with DOOMS didn't elicit the same reaction through touch. Higgs had spent time in the Seam. He wasn't coated in the chiral matter of years. His skin was fresh and clean like a baby. 

And while he didn't much like the idea of being touched, he knew it wouldn't hurt and it would be much appreciated.

His eyes flicked from the light to the hand offered to him, like an angel of mercy, offering him a place of peace in the darkness that threatened to consume him and destroy him.  
With mild hesitation, Higgs took Sam's hand, giving it a slight squeeze before curling against the other man, his head resting against one of Sam's legs.

"You're the one supposed to be resting," he murmured after a few moments of quiet. "...and you can't keep that light on forever. Someone will surely see it and come this way to check out what it is..."

It was easy to think logically when he wasn't currently overwhelmed and consumed by his memories and fear of the darkness.

"It has a motion censor. It'll go off if someone comes in. And I have my gun. It'll be enough to scare them off. Though if you shoot them, it won't kill them." Sam explained, detaching his gun off his pack to keep it at his side. 

"Now, be quiet and sleep. We're far enough away from those MULE censors. They never really stray far from their camps." He reassured settling back again, still holding Higgs' hand.

However gentle, the order still came across as an order and Higgs couldn't help but nod quietly and curl himself against Sam, letting his eyes slip closed as he kept hold of the other man's hand.

Blissfully, he didn't wake until the first light of sunrise started to peek over the horizon. He sat up quickly, awkwardly pulling away from Sam, feeling bad for having fallen asleep against him. He felt shame, as well, in that Sam had learned of his stupidly ridiculous fear.

He could literally die and return, and had done so many times. So the dark didn't hold anything that he should fear...

Woken by the movement, Sam stretched before opening his eyes. He smiled over at Higgs, glad to see he was still there. 

"Morning, princess. Did you end up getting any sleep?" He asked, turning off the light function and starting to hook himself back up to his pack.

"I know you're probably hungry, but we're close to the city and I don't know about you, but I want some eggs." He hummed getting himself up and doing some stretches before getting ready to hit the road.

Higgs felt tears burn in his eyes as he stretched a bit himself and hefted his pack onto his shoulders carefully.

_Idiot.  
Stupid boy. Foolish, stupid idiot boy._

"...m sorry about last night. Don't know what came over me but I uh... I appreciate you sharing your light," he murmured as they started their trip again, walking towards Central Knot.

He couldn't even think about food, despite his body needing the sustenance - he felt as if he would be sick from the warm shame filling him up and eating him alive, making him go numb and cold.

Maybe he could slip away after making his delivery and Sam wouldn't miss him or look for him.

"Don't worry about it. The dark always left me uneasy." Sam said simply, leading the way to the city. He tried not to make it a big deal, really, because it wasn't. And also because Higgs seemed to be ashamed. 

"Central Knot even has coffee. When was the last time you had a hot cup of coffee? I think I want a shower and then breakfast."

"Never had coffee," Higgs murmured, looking to the side at Sam.

Now who was the one being chipper and almost excited? Maybe he really was excited to get to a city - who knows how long Sam had been out there with his cargo, not stopping at a big city but just going from bunkers and preppers and other waystations. Higgs felt that he was probably just trying to get him out of his head. Sam was a good man, despite his harsh looks and gruff voice.

"You going to stay in Central Knot for a bit?" He asked curiously.

"Yeah, probably just the night. You heading out in the morning?" He asked, readjusting his pack, feeling heavier now that he could see the city in the distance.

"Get a room, have a shower and I'll meet you for breakfast? I think it'll be my treat, repay you for the company." He offered, stealing glances at Higgs between watching his steps.

Higgs chewed his lower lip, brow furrowed slightly. After all that, Sam still wanted to spend time with him? To have a meal together? An actual goddamned meal?

"Might be nice to rest somewhere for a little while, yeah..." He decided he would probably leave in the night, though. Take an order, see if he could make a light of his own, and leave so he wouldn't be a burden here. "You sure you're going to want to see me again after getting away from me?" He asked, breathing a laugh.

"It's nice to have company that doesn't have me looking for the nearest cliff." Sam smirked, turning to fully look at Higgs now.

"You would know if I didn't like you. Now stop being a wet blanket. We're almost there, we can get some rooms, and I'll meet you at the terminal for breakfast." He laid out a plan, knowing things were always more comfortable with a plan. 

He held his breath, wondering if his name would even mean anything to this odd kid as the center welcomed Sam Porter Bridges back to the center.

"Well, I'm glad I don't have you looking for a cliff, at least," he grinned, a bit of that playfulness returning, knowing that Sam didn't dislike his company, even after the previous night.

**Scanning porter IDs. Scanning complete. Welcome, Sam Porter Bridges. Welcome, Higgs Monaghan. Weapons detected. Weapons locked until departure.**

Higgs raised a brow and glanced towards Sam. "One of your names is literally your job. You do that on purpose, or what?"

Sam shot him a look. "It's better than what it was before. Attention for a different reason. Didn't much care to he called Sam Strand and haul around the weight of everything that meant."

Higgs frowned a bit, his brow furrowed in confusion. Why would being called _Sam Strand_ carry some sort of different weight than literally having your job title as your name?

"Sam Strand is too much alliteration, anyways. And Sam Porter Bridges is too much a mouthful - maybe literally," he smirked, wiggling his eyebrows teasingly to lighten whatever mood had dropped. "Think I'll just stick with Sam," he added, mirroring Sam deciding to just call him 'princess'.

They both walked down the ramp into the distro center, Higgs stopping at the mouth. "You go ahead first. Got way more load to get off your back. Bet it'll feel nice to get it gone."

Sam rolled his eyes at the teasing, not like he hadn't been offered that before. But out of Higgs' mouth, the thought made him blush.

He went ahead, putting his order on the belt, sending it back and putting his arm on the terminal so his band could collect his credits. 

He stepped to the side to let Higgs take his turn, rubbing at his shoulders and getting that soreness out. "Private rooms?" He asked, already thinking about how good a shower was going to feel.

"Feel like you know more about all this than I do, so it's your lead," Higgs hummed from the terminal, collecting his credits.

"Sam Porter Bridges! I'll be damned," some Bridges guy approached him, smiling in awe of the man, and Higgs couldn't help but bristle a little in jealousy. "Are you staying with us? We've got one private room free. If you want it, it's yours."

Higgs deflated slightly, actually having looked forward to spending time with Sam. Guess the universe decided against that. Heaving a sigh, Higgs shouldered his pack again and made to head out.

"Just the one? Think they can send down supplies enough for two?" Sam asked, loosening the straps on his pack. 

"This is my friend, Higgs. You don't mind sharing a room, do you?" He asked, turning to the younger man.

Higgs froze, blinking as he felt warmth bloom in his chest. "You- Share a-" he looked to Sam, blinking as his heart skipped in his chest. "I mean if you... if you don't mind, then that's fine. I could sleep on the floor and we could take turns with the shower, so that should be... fine," he murmured, chewing the inside of his cheek.

He wished the ground would just swallow him whole - the Bridges guy was staring at him, like he was trying to figure out why this punk kid was getting Sam's attention.

"I'm sure we could find supplies enough for you both, sure."

Sam granted the man a rare smile, before moving to the platform to be lowered down, paying no mind to the Bridges guy. 

"You're alright with that, right? Figured a room is no bigger than a cave. I know my little princess wanted his own room, but maybe next time." He teased lightly, trying to make it no big deal.

Higgs' cheeks burned a bright red as he hurried over to the platform so they could both be lowered down.

"Oh, you're claiming me now, are you? Not that I mind of course, but you didn't even buy me dinner first - and that protein bar doesn't count," he retorted, his voice holding none of the strength that he had hoped it would carry. His heart was beating rapidly as the platform lowered, taking them away from the glaring Bridges guy.

"I did offer you one of my worms." Sam reminded with a huff. He was a little embarrassed at his choice of words, but Higgs seemed to go along with it. 

It wasn't too often people wanted to be around him just for him. They usually knew who he was. Which was why he enjoyed working with the preppers. They were usually removed enough from the cities.

"Oh, yes, shame on me for turning down what surely would have been a fulfilling and wonderful dinner," Higgs replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes but grinning again, that easy look of his.  
His cheeks were still warm and the tips of his ears were certainly red, and his body was buzzing with the anticipation of being in closed quarters with Sam again... but he felt good.

Sam seemed to genuinely like his company, going so far as to request it, and banter and tease with him. It was the first time that Higgs actually felt... at home. In good company. Safe.

"It would have been romantic and it's your loss." Sam crossed his arms playfully, smiling at Higgs. "You get the bed. I know you were looking forward to that." He said simply, leading the way to the private room. 

He looked him over, watching pink cheeks and bashful eyes. He wondered if anyone had ever just been good to the kid.

"Shut up, eating grubs isn't- wait- no! You should have the bed. You need it more than I do, so it's fine, really," he glanced towards Sam, a soft blush still on his cheeks. "I'll get the next one," he murmured softly.

Sam was an absolute angel, Higgs was sure of it now. He was willing to give up his own comfort for him and... he couldn't handle it.

"Next one? Plan on sharing rooms often? Now who's the one rushing? Can't even get me a drink first?" He teased lightly, holding the door to the room open and letting him in.

"As long as you don't kick in your sleep, we could share the bed. Lay head to toe or whatever, but if your foot touches my face I'll throw you out of the bed." He warned sternly, locking the door behind him.

"I didn't mean- I just meant- Well, our luck, we'll probably be heading same way sometime and there be a shortage of rooms again so just... you know, next time..." He huffed, cheeks burning as he shook his head, wisely choosing to shut his trap and look around the private room curiously.  
The sound of the lock made Higgs jump, as he was looking at the glass case for other outfits and bags. He quickly turned towards Sam, a look of minor panic in his eyes, that fight or flight kicking in.

"What's wrong?" Sam asked, moving to sit on the bed, removing his boots and rubbing at his feet. "You can go first if you want." Sam gestured to the shower, looking the younger man over. 

"You want to go out and sit for breakfast? Or have it sent here?" He offered, picking at his socks before pulling those off too.

Shaking himself out of his panic, realizing that Sam just didn't want people coming to pester him - them - he glanced back towards the shower.

"Are you sure? It's been a long ass time since I showered so... I might be in there a while if you let me go first," he let out a breath, letting the panicked tension release from his shoulders.  
"Also, probably best to have breakfast here... unless you'd like to see more of your adoring fanbase that you evidently have more of than just lil old me?"

"Yeah, no thanks. Unless you want to be seen with me. It might feel good to have the sun on my skin." He shrugged, a gentle smile to Higgs.

"Take your time in there. I'll shut my eyes for a minute. Check my emails. You know, the fun stuff." He plopped back on the bed, shaking his wrist to pull up the UI.

"I mean, not that I mind being seen with you, but I don't really like a whole bunch of attention, and I feel like, sitting with you with all those Bridges guys... might draw more than a little," he murmured, waiting for Sam to sit on the bed before starting to strip out of his jumpsuit and under clothes.

Stripped bare, he made one last quick glance towards Sam before hurrying himself into the shower. The privacy screen came across the glass of the shower and the warm water came on, spraying over Higgs' scarred and bruised body.

Sam looked away politely when Higgs started to undress. The kid seemed skittish about being alone with him and he wanted to do whatever to put him at ease. 

Once the privacy screen came up, Sam put Higgs' clothes in to be decontaminated and quick cleaned. He even had the thought to turn the heat setting up so he'd have warm clothes to put on out of the shower. 

He waited his turn, keeping his back to the shower while he made himself busy, humming quietly to himself and playing around with some of the room settings before putting in an order for their breakfast to be brought to them. 

He had the money and the pull to get some nicer things and lots of them. The food wouldn't go to waste and he didn't have a clue what Higgs liked. 

"You like music? You can pick something to listen to when you come out. I put in a request for food to be brought in, should be about 20 minutes."

"Oh- I never really got to listen to anything so... maybe you should pick something and I'll just tell you if I like it or not?"

Higgs had been in the shower for a rather long time, the water feeling so good running over his skin, washing away tar and dried blood and all other manner of dirt, mess and grim. It was a beautiful feeling, and he was sad when he decided it was time to stop. Turning the water off, the dryers came on and dried him off as he stepped out, cheeks and skin nice and pink from his warm water.  
That didn't hide the scars and bruises, but c'est la vie.

"Your turn then, I think. Oh- where did my clothes go?"

Sam got up, ready to take his turn and doing his best not to look the man over, still noticing the state of his body. He was quite battered and too slim for the kind of work they did. But he looked nice, beautiful. Best to get rid of that thought.

"They're in there. Cleaned them for you. Should still be warm." He pointed to the cleaning box, taking his own clothes off to put them in there. 

"Go on, you can just go through the list and pick what sounds good. I'll just be a moment in here." He smiled, stepping into the shower. 

He was really surprised at how little Higgs knew about the rooms. "This your first time in a private room?" He asked curiously, starting the water.

The tension in his shoulders didn't fully settle until he had pulled his clothes back on, hiding himself beneath warm layers.

He padded barefoot across to the UI of the room, opened to a playlist of music. Scrolling through curiously, he put on a song called _'Nobody Loves Me Like You'_ by something called Low Roar.

"I've only been in a private room once before, and I uhm... wasn't exactly there long. Usually I just use the public showers - you know, rivers and such," he chuckled, shrugging a bit as he sat on the bed, letting the music play.

Sam laughed, finishing his shower and drying off, stepping out. "I usually just make my way around smelling like shit until I can use the showers or the hot springs. I can't stand the cold water." He shuddered just thinking about it.

He pulled his pants on, leaving his shirt off so his cuts and rashes from his pack could breathe. He heard the door buzz, moving across and letting the person in to put the spread on the table and some on the bed that didn't fit. 

"Go on help yourself."

Higgs' eyes widened at all of the food brought in and spread out before him. He'd never seen so much damn food in his whole life, probably.

"You feeding an army, or two porters - hard to tell the difference," he teased lightly, glancing to Sam and only now realizing the other man was only partially clothed. His cheeks warmed and he bit his cheek again.

"Those look pretty rough... the sores on your shoulders. Those from your pack?" He asked, reaching up absently to his own shoulders, wondering if he had marks like those... He couldn't tell, and he hardly ever looked at himself, anyway. Wasn't a fan.

"Yeah, I don't usually pay attention to the weight of my cargo." Sam shrugged, looking the food over and picking at some of it. 

"Go on, eat what you want, I'll finish whatever you don't and we can always stick the extras in our packs." He sat down on the other side of the bed, getting a plate together before handing Higgs a cup of coffee.

"Eat up princess, I don't want you to blow away on me out there."

That damned petname again.  
Higgs' cheeks burned a bright red and he quickly took a few things onto a plate and sat himself cross legged on the ground opposite of Sam on the bed.

"...not that it's any of my business, but you should be more careful. Your shoulders are important, as a porter, so you don't wanna fuck em up too badly too early on," he murmured, picking at his food to savor it, despite the annoyed growling from his belly for not eating more and faster.  
"You should put something on the sores... gotta be a first aid kit in here somewhere... even preppers and other bunkers have first aid kits and they're nowhere near as nice as this room is," he murmured, glancing around himself as he stuffed delicious food into his mouth.

Sam smiled, watching him eat. "You don't have to sit on the floor, come on up here with me." He looked at the other side of the bed. 

"There's a spray I can use on the sores. It does pretty good, but its itchy. I wanted to enjoy my food in peace." He laughed lightly, sipping at his coffee. "How are you liking everything?" He asked curiously, watching him enjoying his food, savoring it.

"This is the best damn stuff I've ever had in my mouth and I definitely owe you my whole fucking life now, but it's worth it," he laughed, not moving from his place on the ground, too busy enjoying his food and trying not to stare at Sam.

His muscles and his scars and his sores were all rather distracting, and he'd rather be distracted by all that later, when there wasn't amazing food to devour first.

"...thank you."

"Don't thank me, princess. And you don't owe me a thing." Sam shook his head, offering more of the food down to Higgs.

"Being the president's son does come with its benefits." He admitted anxiously. He'd already won the man's friendship, hoping this wouldn't change anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam dropped the 'I'm the President's son' bomb on Higgs
> 
> how's our boy gonna react?  
> Is he gonna see Sam in a different light now?  
> Are things going to change?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Single private room, two porters.  
> Things get a little real, and a little warm in such close quarters
> 
> Can't hide everything forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We earning that Mature rating my friends!! Woo woo!
> 
> ...but before that, there's some serious stuff. Higgs is a little broken, and Sam's starting to get real glimpses of that
> 
> Warning for homophobic language

He really was going to keep it up with that-

"Wait the- the president's...?" Higgs blinked, furrowing his brow a moment before looking up at Sam, the realization dawning on him. "Bridges. Right I- ...shit... I had no clue, but I should have, shouldn't I?" He laughed sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. "Now I get why everyone knows you - not just cus you're an amazing porter, but because of-" he gestured lamely, sighing.

"...well, president's son or not, I still owe you for all this you've been doing for me... sharing your food, sharing your light, now treating me to a shower, food and a decent shelter over my head for the night. You don't get a pass on my being in debt to you just because you've got a powerful mama."

"Its just... thanks." Sam smiled, shaking his head. "You don't owe me anything. Honestly. Maybe company on the next trip." He suggested, enjoying they way the smaller man seemed to relax.

"I appreciate you not knowing who I was... even after I told you. Think that's why I liked you."

Higgs chewed the inside of his cheek again, looking down at his plate of food, mostly gone by now.

"...I'd love to be your company on any other trip you want company. Say the word and I'm there," he murmured, his cheeks warmed as he pulled his sleeves down to his palms, holding them as some sort of comfort.

"What do we do for a whole day here, anyway? Eat and listen to music?" He asked, changing the subject because he did not want it to end up in him feeling the need to give Sam some personal information about his past or whatever in return.

Took him a whole meeting to even tell Sam his name. He wasn't going to crack so easily.

Sam set his plate to the side, sitting back to finish his juice. "What do you want to do? I might sleep and rest. Maybe read a bit." He shrugged, watching Higgs fuss over his sleeves. 

He looked pretty cute like this. Still so small and fresh faced. He wanted to keep him like this, not quite innocent. He'd apparently lived through some horrible, unthinkable things, but he kept a smile on his face. 

He wanted to keep him. Have the kid follow him around like a lost puppy. A familiar face now and then, someone to look forward to meeting up with at a city or distro center.

"I don't know... maybe sleep too? Definitely eat more of this stuff," he glanced to the food still on the table. They'd actually eaten a decent amount - or maybe Sam had. Higgs hadn't been paying attention to who had been eating what, just that as every new thing touched his tongue, he wanted to memorize the flavors. Maybe he could imagine them and pretend to be eating those things instead when he ate that protein paste crap.

He looked up from his thought trail to find Sam looking at him and he couldn't help blush again, fiddling with his sleeves.  
"Why're you looking at me like that, huh? Got something on my face?"

Sam felt his cheeks heat up, smiling softly before pulling his eyes away, looking down. "It's nothing." He hummed, feeling his heart beating faster, a warm feeling in his stomach. 

"Want to come up here and rest a bit? You can have that side. There's pillows and blankets for the both of us."

Frowning a bit but putting his questions aside - along with putting his plate to the side - Higgs climbed up onto the bed finally.

"You really sure it's okay to share the bed? Not like it's all that big... and I know I'm no giant but," he grinned, shrugging. "You kind of are. Wouldn't you rather have the bed all to yourself?"

He'd made himself little nests of blankets on floors before, plenty of times. Usually underneath something so that he had that added layer of protection and safety.  
...he could probably sleep under the bed. There was a little bit of space there... wouldn't be difficult, but he'd have to be careful how he woke up.

"I'm sure. It's not like I didn't wake up with you cuddling me last night. Now it'll just be a bit more comfortable." He teased, not liking the idea of Higgs sleeping on the floor. 

"I'm not that big, but you are pretty small. Between the two of us theres plenty of room up here."

Higgs covered his face, groaning quietly. "We can just... pretend that didn't happen. I feel so _stupid, stupid, **stupid**_ for falling asleep on you like that," with each repetitive of the word 'stupid', Higgs hit himself in the head with his sleeved palm, his shoulders trembling slightly.

~~_Freakin queer. Stupid idiot boy._ ~~

"Hey!" Sam raised his voice, rushing off the bed, grabbing Higgs' wrists and pulling them away from him and to his own chest.

"What are you doing? Take it easy." He soothed him, holding his wrists to his chest, looking him over with wide, startled eyes. 

"I don't want to pretend it didn't happen, Higgs... look at me, please." His voice softened, trying to put the younger man at ease.

The shout and quick movement made Higgs flinch, but the only thing that happened was his hands were pulled away from himself and held against Sam's body instead.

His eyes welled with dark tears and he looked up at Sam, his lithe shoulders trembling slightly.

"I shouldn't have done that. Shouldn't have curled up against you, shouldn't have been afraid. You can't always be there to make the dark less dark, so I can't- I shouldn't have- I was being stupid," he breathed, sounding more like he was echoing someone else's words, now, than actually calling himself stupid.

"No you weren't, Higgs..." Sam whispered, pulling him to him, holding him tightly. "It's ok to be afraid. We all have a fear of something. And there's nothing wrong with seeking comfort." He reassured, looking his face over softly.

"Princess, please stop crying... it's alright."

It was so soft this time, the way Sam said that name that was making Higgs feel so warm inside.  
_Princess.  
My little princess._

"'m sorry, Sam...." he whimpered, the warmth filling him and spilling over as dark tears slipped down his cheeks.

No one had ever told him it was okay. Okay to be afraid, okay to seek out comfort when things were too much, when the dark was just too damn dark and he felt like he was drowning in it and would never see light again.  
No one ever held him this way, or spoke so softly to him. No one gave a shit about the fucked up little queer porter boy that had died more than he had lived.

No one was ever supposed to give a shit about him, either. No one was ever meant to hold him and be soft and gentle with him.

Yet, here Sam was.

His angel in the world of the damned.  
His light in the suffocating darkness.

Softly, he sobbed, pressing himself against Sam as his body trembled.

Sam held Higgs close to his chest, rocking him lightly as he held on. He'd hold him all day if that's what he needed from him. 

"Higgs, you're going to be alright. You don't have to apologize for anything." He whispered, running his hand through short hair, just trying to ease whatever pain people had put him through before this.

Somewhere along the way, Higgs went from sobbing and shaking uncontrollably to simmering down and actually falling asleep right there in Sam's arms.

Daddy would be so livid with him, if he could feel anything at all anymore.  
Higgs couldn't give a damn about that right now, couldn't give a damn about how Daddy would've felt, or how he would've gotten the belt for sure, if not worse.

After however long it was that he drifted, Higgs felt himself waking up, the thick tar of his tears itchy and sticky on his cheeks.

"...Sam?"

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Sam asked, reaching up to touch his hair again. He situated them so they were both now laying on the floor, still holding him close to his chest. Sticky black tar clung to his chest from where the kid's tears had fallen.

He'd felt Higgs crying, shaking and gasping for air, eventually tiring himself out and crying himself to sleep. He'd held him through it all, not once even thinking of letting go. 

Who ever had hurt him, if they were still around, had better hope he never found out who they were. If he did, he'd find where they lived and kill them, crush the life out of them with his bare hands.

Higgs deserved so much better than whatever shit hand he'd been dealt. He deserved someone to treat him gently and spoil him. He deserved soft beds, fruits and pancakes, coffee, fresh water, food with taste, whatever he wanted.

"Like shit, which is also probably what I look like, but you're a real doll for askin anyways," he hummed, taking a deep shuddering breath before stretching out a bit and yawning.

He felt the cool floor against his back, through the fabric of his long sleeved shirt. "Did I... did I fall asleep?" He asked quietly, feeling a warmth bubble in his cheeks as he realized how close they were, how Sam was holding him so carefully, like he was trying to protect him from something.

How sweet and misguided was that?

Didn't he know Higgs couldn't be saved, couldn't be protected? Damaged goods were damaged goods, and no amount of container repair spray would fix all the deep fissure cracks that burned through Higgs' mind.

"...I ruined your shirt..." he muttered with a sigh, noticing the dark stains in Sam's shirt, feeling a sinking feeling.

Daddy would've killed him, and then made him clean it up.

Sam looked down at himself, seeing the mess. "It's just a shirt." He reassured, resting a gentle hand at the back of his neck. 

"Yeah, you fell asleep. Let's move up to the bed, the floor is kinda cold." He suggested, moving to the side and offering to help Higgs up. 

He wanted to ask why his tears were like that. Wanted to ask who hurt him. Wanted to know if he could ever soothe that storm that must be threatening to rage at any point in his mind. 

He wanted to know if he would be enough for Higgs.

He didn't protest this time, didn't try to pound his hands against his skull as he told himself how stupid he was. He did, however, feel warmth tingling in his cheeks and tips of his ears as he climbed into bed - an actual fucking bed! - with Sam.

It was so much softer than anything he'd ever slept on, even in that old ass bunker that he used to call prison-home.

"'m sorry... floor's not good for your shoulders," he murmured, his voice still sounding a bit sleepy. "Did you put that stuff on em? I can do it for you, if you want. I'll be real gentle about it, promise. I know how that shit can hurt..."

And he would never want to hurt Sam. Never want to see him hurt, either. He was a good man... Higgs wasn't sure such a being existed, but Sam was good at putting holes in all the shit Higgs was made to believe, apparently.

"I'd like that, please." Sam nodded with a smile, letting Higgs settle onto the bed before getting up and grabbing the ointment. 

"Oh, word to the wise, don't use container repair spray on your wounds. Seems like a good idea, but is not." He said, trying to lighten the mood a bit, climbing up onto the bed and pulling his shirt off so Higgs could get at his shoulders better. 

He'd clean the shirt before putting it back on, so for now he tossed it to the side of the room.

When Sam came back to settle onto the bed, Higgs sat up on his knees so that he could see Sam's shoulders better.  
He hissed softly, wincing as he looked at the angry red sores. He reached out and gently touched one, shaking his head.

"You need to take a break for a bit, if you can manage to sit on your ass and not tote things around for a while," he huffed softly, putting some of the ointment on his fingertips so he could rub it gently onto the sores, one at a time.

"If you don't take a break and let these heal, they're gonna get blistered and burst if you put weight on em," he murmured, knowing a thing or two about injuries of pretty much all types.

"It's fine. I usually don't make it that long before coming back." Sam shrugged, wincing as Higgs rubbed the cream into his skin. 

"Just don't know what else to do. Gotta move cargo. It's all I know how to do and I hate sitting around feeling worthless." He sighed heavily, rolling his shoulders, enjoying the side benefit of a slight massage to this.

Furrowing his brow, Higgs wacked the back of Sam's head. "You'll take a damn break because it's good for you to. Start using cargo carriers for the heavy shit instead of pack muling it all like the Handsome Hardass you are," he huffed, leaning forward to rest his forehead against Sam's shoulder blades.

"Just because you take a break to let your body heal doesn't make you worthless, Sam. All the shit you do for people as a porter? One teeny little break every now and again to let the sores heal up ain't gonna kill no one."

Sam sighed heavily, knowing Higgs was right. "I guess... or you'd be calling me Sam the disgusting deadbeat." He teased gently, letting his eyes slip shut at the pleasant weight of his forehead against his back. 

"Guess you'll have to stick around and make sure I take a break, huh?" He asked, his voice hopeful and unsure. 

He wanted Higgs to stay with him, at least for a little while. At least until he knew he'd be ok. That he could fend for himself out there.

Higgs rubbed at his eyes a bit before nodding. "Yeah, alright, you twisted my arm good and tight, so I'll stick around and make sure you don't go too Hardass on yourself," he hummed, absently drawing shapes on Sam's back with the ghost of his fingertips.

"We'll sleep and read and eat things, and I'll put ointment on your sores until they're nice and healed."

_And you'll get sick of me being nearby, sick of me fucking things up, sick of me and you'll wish your body would just fucking heal already so that you can get the hell away from me as quick as possible and never see my godawful face again._

Higgs sighed, closing his eyes against the awful things his mind thought. Sam was better than all that, he'd proven that over and over.

"...are you gonna be okay spending so much time with me?" He asked, against his better judgment. He needed to know.

"If I wasn't, I'm sure I wouldn't have suggested it." Sam blinked, turning to look at Higgs. 

"Are you going to be okay spending so much time with me? I do get irritable and sometimes get a short temper." He warned, looking over his shoulder at him. "Is that something you're willing to handle? Because I think it's something you've had to deal with before." He said, cautiously watching his words. He didn't want to drag up bad memories so soon.

His shoulders tensed slightly, his heart seizing up temporarily in his chest before he remembered how to breathe.

"....I've handled it before, I can handle it again," he replied, though his voice did tremble ever so slightly.

If he made Sam angry, pissed him off royally, would he do things to Higgs like Daddy had, or would he be more creative?  
Sam seemed smart, seemed like he would be a bit creative, and that thought made Higgs worry.

"I can handle it. Whatever you throw my way, I can handle it," he added, not sure if he was trying to convince Sam, or himself of that. "...it's worth it to make sure you take a proper fucking break."

"I didn't ask if you could handle it, I asked if you'd be willing to." Sam clarified, shifting and turning to look Higgs in the eyes. 

"Higgs... you're worth quite a bit to me. I'm not about to go, breaking the tape of you, but sometimes it does happen. I lose myself, lash out, say things I don't mean. This isn't all about me. It's about you, too, you know." He took a sharp breath in, debating on saying this next part. That's how relationships work. Is that what this was? 

Co-porters? Partners? Friends? Or maybe something more?

Was he willing to handle the possibility that he pissed Sam off enough to illicit a reaction from the bigger man that might cause him physical harm?

"I'm not leaving your side until you tell me to fuck off, and I can tell that you actually mean it," he replied carefully, his cheeks warm again. "So, yeah... I'm willing to handle it. The good with the bad, and all that or whatever..." he murmured, fiddling with the ends of his sleeves again.

He wasn't used to someone actually thinking about him in all of this. He was used to being told what was going to happen to him and just having to deal with what came - or who.

Sam gave him a warm look, though his heart ached for the young man. "I promise to do my best to treat you how you deserve. You're my little princess and I'll do my best not to treat you any less." He breathed a laugh through his nose, cheeks hot and red. 

God he could say the most embarrassing things sometimes.

Higgs sucked his bottom lip between his teeth, a tremble of a different kind wracking his body. "There you go claiming me again... at least this time you did the decent thing and gave me a good meal first," he purred, looking up at Sam under long lashes.

Sam smiled, glad to see that amused look in his eyes. That and something more. A look that he wasn't sure what it meant. 

"There's still a bit left over of you're still hungry. You can help yourself to whatever." He offered, trying to break whatever tension that had risen up. It felt thick and just a little confusing, sending a hot pool of want to his stomach.

He took a chance. He may live to regret that decision, but Higgs leaned forward and up, gently pressing his lips to Sam's cheek, lingering there for a moment like that before he pushed himself from the bed. Embarrassment flooded his body, hot and fierce.

He grabbed up his plate that he'd set aside and started putting food on it again, trying to ignore the heat in his ears, his face, his neck... seeping through his whole damn body.

Sam sat still and grinned like an idiot after Higgs had pulled away. He felt his heart skip a few beats in his chest, his whole body left feeling warm and tingly. 

Unsure of what to say, he let himself lay back on the bed, playing with the music and light settings through the panel near the bed. He kept finding himself touching his face, finger tips lingering on his cheek. 

"Once you're done eating, come lay with me."

The gentle command sent a shiver through Higgs' body, but he nodded, eating a bit more before deciding to set his plate aside again, in favor of climbing back into bed with Sam. He lay himself down, curling against the other man.

Sam wrapped his arms around him, enjoying the feeling of his soft shirt against his skin, feeling the heat of the small man through the fabric. 

"Do you still want to leave in the morning? Or take one more day?" He asked, relaxing back and covering them in the heavy Bridges issued blanket.

Oh, right... he had been planning to leave in the middle of the night so he could be out of Sam's hair...

"We have to stay longer than that if your shoulder's gonna get any chance at healing. Unless you're gonna promise me you won't wear your pack for a bit. Just use fucking cargo carriers everywhere," he raised a brow, putting himself at arms length so he could look skeptically at Sam.

"I'm going to wear my pack, but I promise not to take any big cargo without a carrier. Does that sound fair? 60kg? That's not heavy and won't weigh my pack down too much." Sam bargained. He knew he wouldn't be able to stay put for more than a night or two. He needed to be out and about. 

And he didn't want to keep Higgs cooped up either. He wanted to get out and about with him, show him some of the nice places to deliver to.

"Two nights, at the least. Can you handle two nights?" He asked, looking pleadingly up at Sam, his pretty blue eyes silently begging Sam to agree.

"And you better go easy on your poor shoulders for at least a good 5-7 days, okay? When we have to part ways, and we run across each other again, if you've got angry red sores on your shoulders, with bleeding blisters, I'm gonna kick your ass and then get you patched up."

"You're gonna kick my ass!?" Sam looked at him incredulously, a grin on his face. "My boots weigh more than you! I'd like to see that!" He laughed, playfully bumping him with his shoulder. 

He already hated the idea of parting ways. "We can stay two nights... but you do know people are going to talk. Are you ok with that?"

"Hell yeah I'm gonna kick your ass! If you don't take better fuckin care of yourself while we're off our separate ways. You'll come up and be like 'oh hey princess' and if I so much as see you shift your pack uncomfortably because there's open sores on your shoulders, so help me Sammy, I will kick your ass."

He huffed, trying to look serious despite holding back a laugh, which didn't last long. He giggled and bumped himself against Sam, shaking his head. "That's all people do anyway - talk. Nobody knows me, though, because I'm a nobody. Some fuckin kid porter that happened to show up along with the Legendary Handsome Hardass Sam," he teased lightly, grinning. "The question is more if you're okay with it... if you're okay with people thinking the worst things they possibly can."

"The worst? Being that I've kidnapped you and now you're my barely legal personal man slave?" Sam asked, tilting his head and smiling. 

"I think most people are just going to assume we're an item. Spoiling you to a good meal and locking our door while we spend the day in bed? Now that doesn't sound too bad or all that far from the truth." He hummed, soft eyes watching Higgs' cheeks, hoping to see them turn pink. "I don't think I'd mind anyone thinking that at all."

The younger man's cheeks did indeed go a bright pink, but he quickly reached his sleeve covered hands up to hide his face.

"Barely legal personal man slave?!" He exclaimed, cheeks burning as his heart thudded in his chest. "I certainly hope there is at least one person out there who thinks exactly that thing, while everyone else either doesn't give a flying fuck, or thinks slightly more innocently," he laughed, the sound muffled behind his hands. "...an item, though... is that what- ...is that what this is? What...what _we_ are?"

Sam laughed, loving the precious way Higgs hid his face behind his sleeves. His smile faded at the question, unsure if he'd crossed a line. Not even really sure what he wanted.

"What do you want us to be? I think I want what you want, as long as we get to at least be friends." He whispered, feeling his stomach bubbling anxiously. He'd handle the rejection, but he hoped for so much more.

Higgs had never had friends before, or even friend, singular. At least not a living and breathing friend. He figured, that's what they were, right? Friends.

...but they seemed...more than that somehow? Or like they could be more.

"Definitely at least, we're friends. But..." he peeked out from behind his fingers at Sam, his skin still really warm and really pink. "...I wouldn't mind if we...if we were... more, than that?" He breathed, his voice hitching slightly, a spark of electricity going through his body.

He was Sam's princess - Sam had claimed him as such more than once now, not just calling him 'princess' but instead, very specifically, calling him ' **my** princess'.

That had to mean something, right?

"I think I might like that too." Sam agreed, voice almost a whisper. He reached up, running a hand through the younger mans hair, seeing the uncertainty in his eyes.

"We can say friends and see from there." He offered, hand resting on the back of his neck. He couldn't help the feeling in his stomach, fluttering and turning.

It was nice. Warm and completely foreign to him.

Sam's touches were always so gentle on his body, it was so different from what Higgs was used to. Forceful and angry, demanding, controlling, never any mercy or thought for what Higgs felt. That was how touch was, how he knew it to be.  
Sam was rewriting everything the poor kid once knew to be true.

The hand at the back of his neck rested, warm and comforting, instead of squeezing and vengeful. It was... weird, honestly.

"Not gonna cause you shit, is it? ...I mean...I'm another guy, you know? Despite your pretty little petname for me."

"What do you mean?" Sam asked curiously, not understanding what Higgs meant. He watched the kid relax into his touch, seem to enjoy it, despite how odd it felt for the both of them. 

He'd get over the odd feeling in his stomach if it meant he got to see those pretty pink cheeks.

"Far as I know, people don't usually take kindly to dirty queers. Maybe you get a pass on that because of who you are to the people that would know?" He bit the inside of his cheek again, drawing the iron taste of blood into his mouth this time.

"...so if people found out, or did all their speculating and rumors and shit... wouldn't it cause you trouble? Being seen with a dirty queer kid like me?"

Sam tilted his head, squinting at him. "What the fuck are you going on about?" He asked, honestly surprised people still thought like that. 

"Nobody gives a shit about any of that. There's bigger problems to worry about other than people's sexual preferences."

Higgs blinked, furrowing his brow as he looked up at Sam, confused. "But my Da-" he paused, feeling sick to his stomach a moment, but he pushed the feeling down. "My Daddy got really mad when he found out I was a dir-... that I was how I am."

Sam shook his head, pulling Higgs a little closer. "It really doesn't matter out here, Higgs..." he frowned, heartbroken that anyone could still think like that. 

Most people were considered lucky if they even had any sexual interest anymore. But it really didn't make a bit of difference to those out in the cities. Maybe some of the preppers still thought like that, but they're generally the ass backwards morons anyway.

"So... so it's okay? If I'm different?" He asked quietly, biting the inside of his cheek as he looked to Sam hopefully.

His Daddy promised to beat the queerness out of him, and when that didn't work, he beat him to death.  
....only for Higgs to come back from the Seam, coughing up black tar, which pissed Daddy off even more.

"...the world is nothing like my Daddy said it was..."

"I think I might be glad for that..." Sam smiled sadly, honestly meaning that. 

"Look, no one cares if you like men, or women, or something else. Especially not if you're a good porter. Sure people are still going to talk and some people from before the stranding still judge, but who cares?" He shrugged, wishing he could go back to give Higgs a better childhood. Not that his was fantastic, but obviously was considerably better.

Hearing Sam's words, realizing he really truly meant them, Higgs couldn't help feel the bubbling of happy warmth in his belly. He pressed himself up and planted a gentle kiss to the corner of Sam's lips, grinning and blushing.

"People might care, you know. That I like you. Like that Bridges guy that greeted you when we got here. He seemed real pissed that I was getting to share a room with you," he hummed, not sounding even the least bit sympathetic for that man.  
"Little nobody Higgs Monaghan getting to spend time with Legendary Handsome Hardass Sam? Oof."

"Oh please... that guy wants my attention he might have to lift something more than 15 pound, leave the city walls, and grow a personality." Sam teased lightly, letting Higgs fuss over him. 

"Some people might say something, but don't let it get you down, right princess? Only I get to harass you now." He hummed, bumping the other man's cheek with his nose.

Rolling his eyes, Higgs laughed, grinning at Sam. "If I've got your voice ringing in my head like that, might make things out there more manageable," he hummed, letting his eyes close as he leaned himself into Sam, holding him.

It felt nice being so close, feeling his warmth and listening to his voice. It was such a nice voice, really... A little bit rough, but all smooth and kind.

Sam held him close, just happy to feel the touch of someone and not have it hurt. He'd remembered being held now and then as a child and couldn't exactly pinpoint when it had brought him pain or annoyance or whatever it was. But it was nice to be able to have this again.

"You're too sweet. I know we'll split up, that's how life works, but it'll be nice knowing there's someone out there who'd be happy to run into me."

"No matter how long we're apart, Sam, I'll always be happy to run into you," he hummed softly. "But, you better keep taking care of yourself. Your shoulders, specifically, otherwise I'll be kicking your ass as our greeting," he smirked, nosing against the other man.

"And what a greeting that will be... might get me killed though, people seeing me beat your ass for not taking care of yourself. Them, thinking I'm just kicking your ass for fun, cus I'm a crazy kid."

"They'd be right about that, then." He jabbed, giving him a short squeeze. "I'd like to see you try and kick my ass. I could pick your boney ass up and toss you, easy." He teased, knowing there was some truth to it.

"Oooh~ You'd fight dirty like that, Sammy? Pick me up and throw me like I weigh nothing?" He purred, grinning excitedly. "That certainly sounds like fun," he hummed, actually seeming to mean that?

"But, if you underestimate me, I might get you on your back on the ground," he added, his voice going extremely serious so suddenly.

"You think so, huh?" Sam grinned, enjoying the idea of a friendly fight between them. Could be a fun way to let off some steam. Perhaps not indoors where the ground was so hard and the objects were so breakable. 

He WOULD like to be allowed back in. 

"You look like you'd be a fast little thing. But fast doesn't always make up for everything."

"And big muscle doesn't always make an automatic win," he purred, pointedly giving Sam's arm a squeeze. "Might be fun to let you take me down, though... pinning me to the ground with those arms of yours," Higgs shuddered, biting his lower lip as he looked to Sam from under his lashes.

"Might not mind losing so much if that's the price I pay for it~"

Sam felt a shiver run up his spine at the look, a heat moving from his heart downward, settling in his abdomen. 

"You want to be pinned under me? Maybe squirm and wiggle when I crush you, just a bit?" His voice was low, a little rough at the thought.

"And what if I let you win and you manage to get me on my back?" He asked, rolling them so they were both on their sides, laying along the bed. 

He couldn't decide what he wanted more, to pin him to the bed, crushing him under his weight and burying his face in his neck. Or to have Higgs on top of him, feeling his still soft hands on his shoulders. 

He wondered if this was what having a fantasy was like. Maybe he should do this more often.

A warmth made his brain a little hazy at the way Sam's words washed over him, tingling across his skin.

"Oh, if you let me win?" He huffed, leaning forward to bump their noses together. "You think I can't win on my own merits, Sammy? Think I can't get your hardass on the ground, wriggling under my scrawny ass while I-" his cheeks flushed as he imagined Sam beneath him, Higgs sinking his teeth into his shoulder and leaving a mark there, claiming Sam, just like Sam claimed him with words.  
Just like he would let Sam mark him if he ever wanted...

"I guess there would really only be one way to find out..." Sam purred, rolling onto Higgs, pressing him into the mattress under his weight. 

"Maybe we can give it a go after we leave? The dirt near the farms are soft and no one would see us..." he suggested, voice low, a whisper in Higgs' ear. 

That look in the other man's eyes made him feel something he couldn't identify. Something hot and hungry.

Sam's weight against him, pressing him down into the bed, and that warm purr of his voice so damn close to his ear made the younger man shudder beneath him, a soft gasp escaping past his lips.

"Sweet talkin' me into a fight in the dirt?" He hummed, his voice only a little strained from the weighted pressure on his diaphragm. "Well, how can little ol' me refuse an offer like that?" He added in a purr, leaning up and carefully nipping at Sam's strong jawline.

Sam breathed a laugh, pulling his face away at the feeling of teeth. "Don't say I didn't ever take you anywhere nice after either." He teased, burying his face in Higgs' neck.

He smelt, even after the shower with the faint scent of government issue body wash, of rain fall and moss. Something salty like an ocean breeze, something warm, rich and exotic, something hot and bubbling. 

He wondered if people always had such distinct and pleasant scents. Or maybe it was all in his head. Ideas of a man being brought onto his skin and the way he thought of him influencing his experience.

He smelt like home. Not his, antiseptic and sterile home with the old rugs and frequent 'visitors', but what he'd once dreamed of home to smell like. To feel like.

His breath, warm against Higgs' neck brought a soft near-moan from the boy's lips, wriggling a little beneath Sam as his breath came in short bursts.

When he realized himself, realized the sound he had let slip, his cheeks warmed to a bright red that surely covered a good majority of his body, judging by how warm that was as well.

"S-Sorry..." he breathed, feeling a wave of embarrassment.

_Don't you ruin this, you little idiot. Don't you ruin the best damn thing you ever found. Don't you do it._

...but it had just felt so good...  
Having Sam over him, pressing him into the bed, feeling his warmth and the heat from his mouth and...how could he not react?

Sam let out a shaking breath, enjoying the way Higgs wriggled under him, rubbing against him deliciously. 

He didn't want to push. Didn't much know what to ask for or what he even wanted. Did he feel sexual attraction in the same way? Had he before when he couldn't stand the thought of being touched?

His body obviously didn't react the same way, but he could tell the younger man enjoyed this. And who was he to deny whatever Higgs wanted? He deserved it.

"Is this... good for you?" He asked, embarrassed at the question and the implications of it. He ran his nose along his neck, just holding him there under him and breathing, feeling the way his heart pounded through his skin.

Higgs arched his back, stretching his neck out a bit to grant Sam more access to it, another breathy pleasured sound escaping him. "Y-Yes..." he admitted, the warmth in his body making every touch feel electric, like little shocks to his system each and every time.

Sam's breath against his neck sent sparks to his brain through overexcited nerves.

He was familiar with sex, familiar with being pinned down and touched. But it never felt like this. Never made his body feel so damn good, so on fire.

If he died now, crushed beneath Sam just like this, his ribs unable to take the pressure, he didn't think he would mind so much. It would probably be the most satisfying of his many trips to the Seam and back.

Sam was hesitant now, unsure of himself and what he wanted. But right now he felt like it didn't matter. 

"Um... what should I... what do you want?" He asked, feeling stupid at the question. He knew what Higgs wanted, just wasn't sure if he could give him that yet. That didn't quite feel right. 

But hearing those breathy little sounds and feeling his heart pounding against his own chest, whole body pressed against him, pinned with nowhere to go... well that felt right. It felt damn good.

"Anything," he replied softly, looking up at Sam with the most pretty little look of helpless want in his eyes. "Even if you just keep layin' there, Sammy, that's all good and fine by me," he added, his voice barely a breathy whisper at this point.

Even if Sam didn't want to, or couldn't, or whatever- if they didn't go further than this, that would be fine. It was material enough to solve his own problems later, if need be.  
Because he certainly had something of a problem going on...

"Never been like this with anyone, have you Handsome Hardass Sam?" He purred, blinking slowly up at him, everything feeling sort of slow motion for his fuzzy, hormone riddled brain.

Sam shook his head, moving so he was laying on top of him with his thigh between Higgs' legs, letting him rub against it if he wanted. He breathed an anxious laugh at the feeling of it, his own body feeling rather sensitive, but not reacting the same yet. Was there something wrong with him?

"No...usually can't handle being touched... I'm at a bit of a loss here." He admitted, feeling his cheeks heating up even more. He rubbed his nose against his neck, turning to push a soft kiss to his jaw. 

He'd seen porn before, one of the many reasons he avoided other porters, so he wasn't clueless, he could see the signs of what Higgs wanted. And he wanted to give him everything he wanted.

With the offered warm thigh between Higgs' legs, how could he not give at least a little experimental roll of his hips?  
When he did, a shockwave of pleasure rolled through his body, dragging another soft moan from his lips, further breathy and soft lewd noises leaving him as Sam's other movements sent tremors through him.

"You don't... you don't have to do anything, Sam," he breathed quietly, wriggling to try freeing his arms so he could cup Sam's face, but he had just said he couldn't handle being touched so-  
"It's okay, really," he hummed, meaning it. He didn't want to be putting Sam in an awkward and uncomfortable situation just for his own benefit.  
He had better manners than his Daddy ever had.

"No, I want you to." Sam shook his head, voice much more even than Higgs'. He pressed his thigh harder between his legs, trying to give the smaller man some friction. 

"This is nice... I... I don't want you to stop." He hummed, pressing soft kisses to his neck. He didn't want to rush this, really didn't but he felt like he needed to give Higgs some sort of reason to keep coming back. 

And he wanted to try.

The further pressure made Higgs gasp again, wriggling beneath Sam as the tingle of pleasure spread through his body like wildfire.

Despite his own pleasure being evident, Higgs wasn't blind. Sam wasn't-

"I don't want it," he breathed, suddenly struggling against Sam in a different way, trying to pull away from him. "You don't- you're not even- so it's fine. It's fine if we don't," he added, his voice a little lower.

He knew what it was like.  
He had done this more than a few times, and he didn't want to do it like this with Sam. Didn't want to put Sam through this, not someone he actually had potential to care for, and have those soft feelings returned.

Feeling like he might have done something wrong he pulled back just a little at the pushing. He let his hand slip down, cupping Higgs between his legs, feeling the heat there, rubbing gently through his pants. 

"Are you sure? You're so... I'll give you this if you want it." He offered, feeling just a little rejected, pulling his hand away. "I'll stop if you want me to." He whispered softly, honest. He didn't want to get up though. He wanted to stay, resting on top of Higgs for as long as he'd let him.

It was almost cruel, the way Sam cupped him through his pants, rubbed at him and then pulled away. He couldn't help the disappointed little whimper that pulled past his lips - which he quickly bit for their betrayal.

"But you don't want this, Sam... you're not-" his cheeks impossibly warmed again, looking up at Sam over him, all handsome and ready to please. He wondered what a mess he must look like beneath this big, strong man. "-you're not _aroused_ , and it's no fun if we're both not having fun. It takes two to tango, after-all."

Sam frowned chewing his lip, feeling frustrated enough that he could cry. The first time he got to try this with someone he enjoys and his body betrays him. Figures. 

"But I am. I like seeing you like this..." he insisted, sitting up and moving away. If it wasn't going to happen, he at least didn't have to be cruel. "I just don't know... I'm not..." he chewed his lip, not sure how to express the way he felt.

He really enjoyed seeing Higgs like this, cloudy and desperate. Soft whimpers and gasps, heavy breaths. But he wasn't going to force him.

Another whimper of disappointment slipped out of Higgs as Sam moved away, his face contorting between the obvious disappointment and a gentle worry.

"Talk to me, handsome," he breathed quietly, sitting up on his elbows now that he could move a bit. He rubbed his thighs together, closing his eyes at the slight pleasure it brought him. "What's going on in that big ol' head of yours, huh?"

Sam couldn't help but look between Higgs' legs, his attention drawn there. It looked painful. Not at all pleasant. 

"I don't know if I can... be aroused. I never have been before." He admitted, looking down in shame. He felt terrible, never thinking he'd be in this situation so he'd never paid it any consideration. "Its not personal..." he reassured, not wanting his pretty boy to think it was him. That wasn't the case at all.

Well, it was at least nice to know it wasn't anything personal. Be a damn shame to be wrecked by the only person he'd connected with in all the years he'd been free.

"Hey, ain't your fault either," he hummed, wanting to reach out to Sam, but being mindful of his saying he didn't really do well with touch. "You can watch me handle my own problem, if you like, or I can hop in the shower and fix it that way, and then we can eat more and forget about this for the time being."

Sam felt that heat move through his body again, spreading across his cheeks and chest. 

"You'd let me watch?" He croaked out, finding that his throat was quite dry at the thought of it. "Can... can I hold you while you...?" He gestured, pointing to Higgs' crotch. 

He wondered what it felt like, sounded like when someone so beautiful worked themselves to completion. The thought on it's own was rather thrilling.

"You wanna sit behind me and hold me while I masturbate?" He asked, a little hint of a smirk pulling at the corner of his lips.

Higgs looked up at him with those pretty bedroom eyes again, biting his lower lip between his teeth.

"Sammy boy, so kinky~ Never took you for the exhibitionist type," he purred, pushing himself up and to the edge of the bed, slipping his pants off of himself without so much as a warning.

Sam blushed brightly at the sight. Not show of anything, no wiggling his and teasing fingers, straight to business. He was shocked, mouth open as he looked. 

Higgs had slim thighs, probably from all the walking and barely eating. Sam sat at the far edge if the bed, legs spread with his back against the wall. He grabbed Higgs underneath his arms, pulling him to him, his back to his chest. 

He snuck a peek over the smaller man's shoulder, licking his lips in interest at the sight. He'd never really looked at another man before, not like this anyway and he'd never seen his own like that, curled up and leaking. Looked painful he was sure, not at all pleasant.

He wrapped his arms around the younger man's small chest to stop himself from touching. He waited, holding his breath for Higgs to do something.

Being pulled back against a hard, strong chest, Higgs closed his eyes and damn near purred. He leaned his head back and softly pressed a kiss to Sam's jaw as he wrapped a hand around himself. He breathed a soft moan against Sam's skin as he started to slowly move his hand, teasing himself, brushing his thumb over the slick of his tip.

"You did this to me, Sammy... made me all hot n bothered like this... Just by pinning me down, by touching me all gentle... the pressure and the teasing were just a bonus," he purred breathlessly against Sam's jaw. He arched his back against Sam as he applied a bit more pressure to his strokes, dragging more moans from his lips, lewd sounds filling their room.

Sam watched, his breath picking up just a little. He could feel heat traveling down his abdomen again, not quite going anywhere but feeling rather pleasant. 

He couldn't help himself, sliding a hand up Higgs' shirt, feeling the bumps of his ribs, just content to run the flat of his rough hand against the soft skin of his chest. 

"That's it, princess... you're so beautiful... does it feel good?"

Oh-  
Well, he hadn't expected this at all.  
Cheeks warmed, Higgs trembles hearing Sam's smooth voice against his ear, calling him _princess_ , calling him _beautiful_ , touching him like that while he...

The rhythm of his heart and of his strokes both faltered, but he gasped softly, pressing himself up into his own hand.

"Yesss... it's so good, Sam, so good..." he breathed, no witty remark or comment, only his breathy and desperate answer.

He already felt himself building up tension, close to bursting when he barely even started.

Sam held him close, watching over his shoulder and whispering encouragement into his ear. He told him how beautiful he looked, how wonderful he sounded. 

He went into the dirty of how lovely his cock was and how he liked the way his hips jerked. 

While there wasn't much of a physical reaction for Sam, he was quite aroused emotionally, glad to see that pretty look on Higgs' face as he lost himself, drooling just a bit as his tongue stuck out.

All of Sam's words crashed against Higgs' foggy brain like lava against landscape. His body was so heated, so sensitive to each and every breath and touch.

Finally, he couldn't hold out any longer, his hips jerked upwards, pressing his cock into his hand more as he came, sending shocks through his body as he arched back against Sam's body.

"Ohhhh~ Fuck, Sam!" He gasped, his body trembling quite a bit as he road out his orgasm, overstimulating himself a bit by not letting go as his hips still rocked. His eyes rolled back, his head falling against Sam's shoulder, finally letting go, finally falling limp against the other man.

It had been so long since it felt like that...

He wrapped his arms around the smaller man, holding him through his orgasm. Watching with curious interest. 

Even after he could feel Higgs' body shaking, trembling but limp at the same time. He seemed exhausted and spent. He wondered what it felt like to let go like that, lose yourself in just feeling. He wanted to try on his own sometime. 

He had plenty to think about while he did now.

"Such a good boy... how do you feel?" He asked, hand still rubbing soothing circles on his chest.

Higgs felt a tremble through his body again, his cheeks warmed as he let out a quiet whimper.

_Such a good boy._

Him, he was a good boy. Sam thought he was-

"...amazing..." he breathed, his eyelids fluttering open so he could look at Sam, forgetting himself and reaching up to touch Sam's jaw. "Exhausted, but I feel so... tingly, and amazing..."

Sam pulled away on instinct before leaning into the touch. He watched him, looking like he was floating through something amazing. 

"Come on, lay down and let's get some sleep." He suggested, maneuvering them around and laying down, pulling the blanket over them. "You deserve some rest." He whispered, still mumbling praise in Higgs' ear as he held him, letting himself relax.

He had a lot on his mind now. Wanting to experience whatever it was that made Higgs look like that. To share it with him.

Shortly after being maneuvered into a more comfortable laying position, Higgs drifted off to sleep. He didn't stir, he didn't complain. No nightmares this time, too exhausted for his brain to conjure up anything besides the pure bliss of sleep.

It was a nice change of pace, really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL THEN!!
> 
> Things got real and things also got really spicy~!
> 
> Hope that was as fun for you to read as it was to write!
> 
> Next chapter might take a bit, since I go back to work tomorrow, and also we still have more writing to do!
> 
> So I hope this fun little bit can appease you dear people for a little while~ ♡


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The birth of Pizza Slut, a playful romp in the mud, and then it's all downhill from there
> 
> All good things must come to an end, after-all
> 
> (but don't worry, this isn't ACTUALLY the end!)

Sam woke first, quietly watching Higgs sleeping, gently running his fingers through his short hair. He looked so much younger like this, so peaceful and innocent. 

He felt himself falling deeply for the pretty little thing next to him. He worried what that might mean, how it would affect his lifestyle. Would he be able to carry on for long without him at his side? Or would they end up parting ways just to be fond memories to each other?

Feeling the gentle touch of fingers through his hair, Higgs stirred, his eyes fluttering open to look up at Sam, humming softly.

"Well aren't you a handsome face to wake up to in the morning," Higgs purred, his voice rough from sleep. "You get any sleep?"

Sam smiled, nodding down at him gently. "Yeah. Just woke up not all that long ago." He hummed, enjoying the hazy, sleepy look in those ocean blue eyes. 

"You slept well though. Think you were even smiling the whole night." He teased gently, propping his head up on his elbow. "You going to be mad at me if I say I want to rest a bit longer? Maybe we can leave in the morning tomorrow?"

"We weren't gonna leave right away anyway, or did you forget our deal?" He huffed, putting on a cute little pout as he looked up at Sam. "You promised we'd stay two nights and that you would be careful not to take on heavy loads after. That you'd use a cargo carrier if you absolutely needed to take on a heavy order," he hummed, stretching himself out like a cat just waking from a nap.  
He realized, because of that, that he still had no pants.

Sam laughed at how Higgs seemed to stretch out, looking so incredibly comfortable. "You're probably still a bit of a mess. You can shower if you want." He offered happily watching him. 

"Or you can just stay put and go back to sleep."

"If I shower, do you want to join me?" He purred, peeking a glance at Sam as he wriggled his toes, all stretched out still, letting his joints pop.

"Someday, you can pin me to the wall and do as you please with me in there, but for now you could just help me get clean," he teased lightly.

After last night, he had plenty of good memories to get through his days in his shelters.

Sam felt his cheeks heat up before nodding. "Yeah... I'll wash your back for you. We should both fit comfortably." He thought he might agree to anything Higgs said if he said it like that. 

"Shower and get something to eat? Want to stay put again or go out?"

"Mmm... if we go out, I'm sure I'll be in trouble," he hummed, shrugging a bit. "Luckily though, I don't mind a bit of trouble, so we could go out there if you like," he added, slipping from the bed and pulling his shirt over his head, now standing completely naked in the middle of the private room.

The scars on his back, though healed over, looked raw and painful, and definitely most were from a belt of some kind. He had thin scars on the backs of his legs and he had quite a few ouchie looking bruises across his back as well.

Interest was the first thing that hit Sam, seeing Higgs stand completely naked in front of him. Fantastic and beautiful. It was quickly replaced by anger, hatred, and disgust. 

He wanted to reach and touch, to soothe any of the newer marks and the ease the memories of the older ones.

"Oh, Higgs..." he breathed, taking in the sight of it all, not sure what to say. Anything he could say didn't feel sincere. He didn't want to tell him how gorgeous he was, worried it would only sound as a consolation instead of the honest truth.

Turning to look at Sam, he furrowed his brow slightly, clicking his tongue. "Don't you give me that look, Sammy," he huffed, stepping towards the shower.  
"I don't need your fucking pity," he growled softly as he opened the shower doors so that he could clean himself from his now dried mess of the night.

"Don't need _anyone's_ fuckin pity," he added softly as he stepped in. "Get your ass over here or I'm cleaning without you."

Sam quickly got undressed, moving to stand behind Higgs. "Its not pity... I was just worried you'd fight me if I told you that I found you breathtakingly beautiful." He said softly, hands carefully resting on his shoulders. 

"And disgust to whoever did this to you... for their sake, I hope they're long gone..."

"I killed him with my own hands. Wouldn't be out in this world to have met you if I hadn't," he said simply, leaning back against Sam and resting his head against the other man's shoulder. "That was my first encounter with a BT, my first voidout," he added quietly, heaving a sigh.

"I'm not beautiful, Sam. I'm broken and mangled and awful. ...but I appreciate you being blind and thinking that I'm something I'm not. It's... it's nice."

"You're broken and mangled, but you're beautiful. You could be something so much worse, but you're not. You're something I don't deserve..." Sam whispered, arms wrapped around him and rocking slightly. 

"Everything you've been through has gotten you here."

Higgs' cheeks flushed lightly and his eyes welled with dark tears. "...you really mean it, don't you?" He asked quietly, his voice sounding so small, making him seem suddenly so much younger than he was.

...not that he actually knew his age.

"You _actually_ really mean it, that I'm beautiful, don't you? You're not just pulling me around..."

That was new.  
Everything about Sam was new.

Sam almost wanted to laugh at the question. At the thought that this pretty young thing could think of himself as anything but that. 

But it left a terrible ache in his heart. What horrible things have been said and done to Higgs to make him think he wasn't beautiful?

"Look at me, do I look like I'm joking? Higgs, you're incredibly beautiful. And its not just the way you look either, though, you're plenty good in that department too..." he stumbled over his words, not sure if he was saying the right things. It felt like he wasn't, but he was so confused around Higgs. Felt like his brain was never fully functioning.

Blinking, Higgs looked up at Sam, searching his face for any hint of joking, any clue that Sam was teasing him.

...but he seemed so genuine, despite his stumbling over his own words. "...you're too good to be true, Sam... if I wasn't very literally pressed naked against you right now, I would think you were a just a fuckin illusion of my fucked head," he murmured quietly, dark tears slipping down his cheeks and mixing with the water at their feet.

He had no clue how to handle this kindness, true and genuine. Sam was perfect, far too perfect.

Sam wiped at the tears, knowing that couldn't feel too good in his eyes. He turned Higgs around to look at him better before pinching him hard on his ribcage with a playful grin. 

"Looks like you're plenty real too." He teased lightly, ready for those fast little hands to retaliate.

"Hey!" Higgs whined, quickly reaching for Sam and pinching his side. "No need to lift me up just to pinch me, you ass!" He giggled though, pressing himself against Sam's body, fully.

"Now stop that! We have to get me clean so you can flaunt me in front of all those jealous Bridges jerks."

"Watch it! Your nails are sharp" Sam laughed, rolling his eyes with a huff. "If you want to get clean you have to cooperate. Come on. I'll wash your back." He hummed, helping Higgs wash up.

He used this as an excuse to run his hands along the man's skin, soft despite the welts and scars. He massaged his muscles, enjoying the eased hums as he went.

Higgs put his hands against the wall, letting Sam wash him, letting his eyes close as he ducked his head under the water. It washed away the dark tar tears from his face and down the drain.

When he was finally cleaned, he gently shoved Sam out of the shower.

"How do you think this is going to go? You think them Bridges people out there are gonna want to skewer me or what?"

"Who cares what they think?" Sam scoffed, shaking his head. "I know you're going to love the attention though." He smiled, carefully stepping away, regaining his balance from being shoved. 

"But there's only one way to find out what they think." He smirked, turning away to get dressed.

Purring rather happily, Higgs pulled his pack from the storage area and dug out his spare clothes. Black pants, a black turtle neck, and a cape that was colored gold and black. Doing a little twirl, he looked at himself in the mirror, furrowing his brow a bit.

"What do you think? Does this look okay?" He asked, turning to look at Sam with a somewhat expectant look.

Sam turned to look, surprised by the man in front of him. The new dark clothes hugged him in all the right places, showing off his lithe body. 

"You look...." he started, unable to think of the right words. "...really good." He settled with, feeling like a moron.

He looked confident. He looked nothing at all like a porter and Sam knew that those Bridges guys, the ones that always watched him a little too long, were going to have someone new to look at.

Higgs smirked, his cheeks going a little warm as he looked down at himself and then to Sam.

"Mmm, almost left you speechless. I'll take that as a good sign," he hummed, sitting on the bed to pull on his boots. "But that I certainly need to try harder if I'm going leave my dear Legendary Handsome Hardass without a word," he purred happily, hopping to his feet.

"Ready when you are Sammy!"

Sam quickly pulled his clothes on, checking himself over before heading to the door. 

"Let's go then. These city people love eating in those weird little food courts together." He breathed a laugh, watching Higgs follow him out, cape moving out behind him.

Following behind Sam, Higgs tugged the hood of his cape up, glancing around them as they walked to the food court. He noticed a few stray, odd glances of Bridges workers along the way, but it was nothing compared to the stares and whispers when they finally made it to the food court.

Higgs tugged at his long sleeves, finding himself unconsciously gravitating closer to Sam.

"Guess they weren't expecting to see you with company...?"

"Never have company with me." Sam answered simply, giving Higgs a once over. 

"What's with the hood? You alright?" He asked, resting a gentle hand on Higgs' shoulder. "What are you hungry for?"

"Well don't I feel all special then~ No wonder I feel like some of those looks are trying to kill me on the spot," he chuckled softly, purposefully bumping against Sam slightly, finding the solidness of Sam's body to be rather grounding.

His body was getting that fight or flight feeling again, not liking all the eyes on him. He felt vulnerable, for some reason.  
...But he could probably take on any of these idiots if they tried to start something. Or, if he couldn't, surely Sam would stand up for him...?

He glanced up to Sam a moment before pulling away from the other man, making his way towards the food and gathering some various things he'd never seen onto a plate.

Sam watched Higgs take quite a bit, wondering how he ate so much without getting sick. He led them to find a table, sitting down. "It couldn't be the fact that it looks like you're sizing everyone up." He teased lightly.

"They started it, I'm just making sure I could potentially end it in my favor, is all," he huffed, picking up a triangular food item, taking a somewhat aggressive bite from it before pausing, his cheeks flushing a bit pink.

"....what _is_ this?!" He exclaimed, his blue eyes bright as he looked between Sam and the slice of pizza.

Sam looked at his plate, seeing a disgusting mix of food that was probably going to cost him a small fortune. 

"Pizza? You don't like it?" He asked, watching with amusement. "Looks like theres pepperoni and mushrooms."

"It's _amazing_!" He purred, taking a few more bites out of it, damn near melting in his seat and sighing. "I've never had something that tasted so damn good in my life..." he glanced at Sam, cheeks still warm.

"Sorry... this is probably normal shit and I'm losing my head over it."

"No... I like it." Sam watched him, chest warm, not even touching his own food yet. "Have whatever you want. You look... you look cute like this." He felt his cheeks go pink, looking down to his own plate and picking at it. 

He'd seen the man naked, why was this bothering him? 

But he looked so happy! So full of joy and wonder for something so simple as pizza.

Higgs scoffed and rolled his eyes to hide his embarrassment from Sam's soft words.

"Ain't cute," he muttered, but the warm fluttering feeling in his chest wasn't complaining about the compliment.

It took a little while, but eventually Higgs ate every damn thing on his plate, nothing exciting him more than that pizza had, but some of the sweet things were a close second.

Sam finished his own food, sitting and watching Higgs some how manage to eat everything on his plate. Shock and amusement sat on his face at the amount, and probably awful blend of flavors. Not to mention how much sugar the kid must have just consumed. 

Please, please don't let him be affected by the sugar. He was already all over the place, a sugar high was the last thing he needed. 

"Well? Going for seconds or are you just about done?"

"I'm probably already gonna need to do a shit ton of expensive orders to get all these credits back, so I'm good," Higgs laughed, his hood having fallen down at some point while he had been eating.

He leaned back, stretching, a bunch of cracks and pops sounding from his shoulders.

"That was damn good, though. Sorry I took a while...never had really any of this stuff before," he grinned at Sam, looking as much like a kid as he ever had.

It was a helluva turn around from last night, and even more so from the scared, panicked little thing he had been when he cried against Sam.  
He looked genuinely happy.

Sam would give anything to see him like this all the time. So at ease, smiling and laughing, looking like the weight of his past had, however momentarily, lifted off his shoulders.

"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. Still think you're hiding most of that down your shirt." He teased lightly, sitting himself back, letting his meal settle. 

Being with Higgs was just easy. There wasn't the need to remain self-important. He didn't have to be dignified, he could laugh and be gross, say rude things. And the other man would just return the behavior. It wasn't an effort to be around him.

"I could take it off to prove I'm not, but honestly, I've seen you ogling, you know how tight fitting this shirt is. You'd _definitely_ see the outline of food if I'd stuffed it down my shirt," he teased, leaning forward a bit to give Sam a devilish little look.

"Surprised that a big guy like you can't eat as much as little ol me. You really do just eat a bunch of them grubs, don't you?"

Sam laughed crossing his arms and putting on an attitude. "Look, it's not like I sit around all day and eat worms. My body has just adapted to working on smaller amounts of food... and I have a sensitive stomach." He huffed, trying his best to stop the smile that threatened to stretch across his face.

"Awww~ my poor handsome hardass has a sensitive tum?" He teased lightly, putting on a cutesy voice as he tilted his head slightly, smirking. "Guess that at least means you're a cheap date," he added with a self-satisfied little hum.

Leaning back again, he caught a particularly nasty glare from what looked to be the Bridges guy that had greeted Sam when they both arrived. Higgs turned, narrowing his eyes at the man, wanting nothing more than to teleport over and gouge out his fucking—

_No, Higgs. Be good._

Sam laughed, leaning on the table, just wanting to be closer again. "Well, you're not a cheap date at all, little princess. So it evens out." He teased, catching the quick twitch across Higgs' face. 

"Well, if this is a date then what should we do next? If you say go for a walk I'm leaving you here." He threatened blankly, trying to keep the mood light from whatever seemed to annoy the younger man a moment ago.

"Tch- You're the one that keeps callin me ' _princess_ '. Gotta live up to my pet name a little, don't I?" He hummed, though there was an odd sense of tension to his words, that anger still boiling in his belly.

Paranoia was getting the better of him, suddenly feeling like, because that Bridges guy had been glaring, there were others. Others were looking, were talking. Probably saying awful things about him, which was fine, but if they were saying awful things about Sam, because of him—

"Take me out towards the farm. You said the dirt is soft out that way and you promised me a fight," he said suddenly, looking up at Sam.

He had pent up energy and anger, and he also just needed to get the fuck away from Bridges for a little while.

"Now? That's a half days walk from here. You alright with leaving now?" Sam asked, not telling him no. He felt even if he wanted to tell Higgs no, he wouldn't be able to. 

"Yeah, alright. Let's go grab our stuff. We can always come back later." He agreed, getting up, cleaning up after the two of them.

Unable to help himself, now that Sam was distracted and not sitting across from him, Higgs turned towards the glaring Bridges guy and stuck his tongue out, pulling down on his right eye as he did so.

The guy jumped up, shouting something at Higgs, but the kid was running off already, laughing like a tiny little mad man.

Sam watched him run, hearing the commotion. He took a deep breath and sighed heavily. He must have had way too much sugar on a body that probably never had any before. 

The walk to the farm was going to be a long one. 

He made his way back to the rooms before getting ready to go. "All set?"

Higgs was sprawled out on the floor giggling like a fool, his limbs wriggling around excitedly.

"Yeah, yeah, all set," he wiped dark tears from his face, trying to stifle his giggles.

He pushed himself up on his elbows, giving Sam a suddenly serious look. "If you take on an order, no more than 60kg on your back. Anything else goes in a carrier."

Sam watched Higgs laying on the floor, just laughing away. He worried about this boy. 

"Yeah... I'm not taking an order right now. Maybe on the way back from the farm, but we can just spend some time together?" He offered, hopeful.

Nodding, Higgs hopped up from the floor in a swift and easy movement. "Sounds good to me," he hummed happily, grabbing his own pack, throwing it over his shoulders with ease.

"Sure you can handle just going and not having an order to take on?"

"Just don't remind me." He rolled his eyes. "I can't stand pointless walking. But it's not pointless if you want it, I guess." He shrugged, leading the way out and up the platform.

Out in the open and fresh air again, Higgs brightened up and spread his arms, running away from the distro center at a rather quick pace, before turning and jogging backwards, grinning at Sam.

"You need to lighten up a bit, Sammy! Walking is never pointless - there's lost cargo out there to find and deliver, there's places to discover, BTs to fuck around with... it's a big ol world out here and ain't nothing holding me back!" He yelled, laughing happily.

He hadn't realized how stuffy it had felt in the distro center until now, finally back outside.

Sam watched Higgs running around like an idiot. He now understood why the boy had such a high death count. 

But part of him almost couldn't be bothered about it. He seemed so free, something about him that he just didn't have in him. 

"Hey! Hold up! You don't even know where you're going!" Sam called, running after him. He'd never run to someone before. Always from. 

He wasn't going to admit to it, but it did feel good.

Higgs stopped abruptly, arms spread waiting for Sam to run into him at full speed.

"Might've forgotten for a moment that we have an actual destination in mind," the young man chuckled, heaving a sigh. "Guess that was my choice though, wasn't it? All so I can prove a point that I'm not as easy as you might think~"

"Oh? You're the one who spent the night touching yourself in my bed, but you're not easy?" Sam teased lightly, no insult in his tone running up to Higgs, damn near running into him. 

He hummed grabbing Higgs by the waist, lifting him up and over his shoulder. "Think you weigh more than 60kg?"

The smaller man laughed, smacking the side of Sam's head. He held him up with such ease, it was almost sickening. Was he really all that light, or was Sam just a fucking monster?

"Oh _your_ bed, was it? Thought you had said it was ours," he smirked, raising a brow. "And, as I recall, you were having a grand time just watching me touch, being all encouraging with your sweet talk in my ear," he purred, nipping the shell of Sam's ear before wriggling in his grasp a bit.

"You're not gonna carry me all the way there, are you?"

"Cut that shit out or I'll drop you." Sam threatened, playfully smacking Higgs hard on the ass. 

"Promise to at least try and behave if I set you down?"

Higgs yelped, his cheeks burning a bright red. " _Behave_? Where's the fun in behaving, Sammy?" He asked with a slight pout to his lips, a playful gleam in his pretty blue eyes.

Sam couldn't help but crack a smile, rolling the smaller man off his shoulder, dropping him on the ground before making a run for it in the direction of the farms. 

He realized he didn't have to play gentle with Higgs. He couldn't hurt him in a way that really mattered, and he'd be back if it was too much. And vice versa. 

"Think you can catch me, pretty boy? You buy dinner if you can't." He called, watching Higgs still sitting shocked in the mud.

The drop was unexpected, the mud was a kick while he was down. His favorite cape was fucking dirty now, and these were his good spare clothes.  
Glancing up to Sam, running away from him, Higgs glared and pushed himself up and into a run almost immediately.

"You're gonna regret picking this kinda fight with me, hardass," he growled playfully, catching up to the large man relatively easily, smirking. "Been running my whole life, you really think I didn't eventually learn how to be the fastest?"

"Maybe its just them boney legs of yours." Sam jabbed back, running like this a bit hard on him. "Come on then! Weren't you talking a big game of being able to get me on my back?"

Higgs turned, jogging backwards again as he looked Sam over, a smirk tugging the corner of his lips. "Thought we were waiting to get near the farms for that, huh? Or are you just so eager to really test me out?"

Sam slowed down a bit, stopping to catch his breath. He bent at the waist, trying to stop the aching in his muscles. Probably wasn't a good idea to go running like that after such a big meal. But he'd been planning on spending the day laying in bed, not this. 

"You're right... don't want to knock your head on... on a rock. Shit dude... I need a minute."

The younger man barked a laugh, bringing himself to a stop, grinning at Sam. "Too much, too fast, Sammy? Or just too fast?" He asked teasingly, practically sauntering his way back to where Sam had stopped.

"You know, we don't have to go all the way if you're not up for it. I'm sure they'd just love to see us come back to the distro center - you all out of breath and me covered in fucking mud, thanks for that one by the way," he huffed the last part, lifting a corner of his cape where mud clung to it.

Sam laughed, finally getting a good look at Higgs. "Oh man! You went in good!" He pointed at the mud caked all over his back. "Don't be such a princess, princess. It's just mud, it'll wash off. Can't stand to be a little dirty?" He smirked before grabbing a handful of mud and hurling it at him.

Higgs yelped and quickly dodged out of the way, tumbling and rolling so he was behind Sam, instinctively giving him a rather hard shove.

"Oh, I can be a little dirty just fine, but this is my favorite article of clothing you dick!" He huffed, grabbing up a handful of mud for himself so that he could scramble up Sam's back and try to get it in the other man's face.

When he'd requested to go out and get away from Central Knot for a little while, this was not at all what he had expected to come of that.

Sam was knocked off balance, falling on the ground with Higgs still on his back. 

"Aw! Yuck that went my my mouth!" He groaned, spitting a bit, trying to find his footing in the sloppy, uneven ground.

"Probably tastes better than your damn grubs!" Higgs laughed, scrambling to stay holding onto Sam's back. "Payback's a bitch and she always hits twice as hard!" He added triumphantly, clearly having a damn good time of it.

Sam slipped, falling backwards at the squirming weight of Higgs on his back, dropping them both into the mud, mostly landing on the smaller man. 

With a barking laugh, he gave a good wiggle before sitting up, driving him further in the mud. He knew the younger man was about to be pissed.

Being crushed into the mud, Higgs let out a rather angry growling sound, launching himself from the mud directly into Sam, tackling him.

"This shit better come out!" He grunted, digging his fingers into Sam's chest. "You have any idea how fucking long it took to make this damn thing?!"

Sam looked up at him, seeing he may have pushed a little too far now. He let himself still, knowing it was probably best to call it quits. "It'll come out. Should wash right off." He reassured, looking up at him.

He was covered in mud head to toe, face a bit pink from the exertion, panting just a bit. The black mud mixed with the pink cheeks made his eyes stick out, so very blue.

"God... you look beautiful when you're angry..." he breathed, mind going blank just a moment.

Higgs blinked, mouth open to yell some other slew of anger in Sam's direction, but his words put a stopper on that, his cheeks going more red than pink now, but the fire remained in his eyes. He fumbled around for words before settling on muttering angrily and picking at his cloak and his sleeves.

"You're just... you're just sayin that to distract me an' shut me up," he muttered, knowing that even if that wasn't the truth, it certainly had worked in doing just that.

How could Sam honestly think him beautiful right now? Looking at Sam, and the state of his clothes and hair and face, all splattered with mud, he could only imagine how he looked. Certainly far muddier than the other man. A damn mess, is what he was.

"Fuckin hot mess," he grumbled, his anger settling some.

"Am not. But you are a hot mess right now." Sam laughed, resting one of his hands on Higgs' hip. He relaxed on the ground, looking up at the smaller man with warmth in his eyes. 

The smaller man who looked like he might hit him any minute now. "You should see yourself right now. You're messy and red, you're... you look so alive." He breathed.

He felt it, too.  
_Alive._  
His blood flowing quickly through his system because of all the adrenaline pumping through his veins. His heart fluttering anxiously as he tried to decide whether to kiss Sam, or punch his square in the nose.

Instead, he laughed. A hearty, deep from his toes laugh as he shook his head.

"Asshole," he hummed, a fondness touching the fire in his eyes, dampening it ever so slightly.

But before it could temper out completely, Higgs reeled back and punched Sam in the side, not with all his strength, but definitely with a decent amount of it.

"That's for my fucking cape," he grinned, reaching for Sam's muddied face, pulling himself closer to the other man to bring their lips together, not giving two shits about the mud.

Sam felt the flash of pain, ready to protest or maybe even hit back, an instant before he was being pulled into a rough kiss. 

His grip on Higgs' hip tightened before both his hands came up, cupping his face. He let his eyes slip shut, knowing for a fact that this was the first time in his life he really felt alive.

The kiss was warm and fueled by the bits of anger that still boiled in Higgs, but Sam's touch melted him far too easily. He pressed himself into the kiss a bit more, tasting the earth, tasting the tang and salt of Sam's sweat from their scuffle, tasting Sam.

Pizza and sweets were a new favorite but Sam... he was a whole other level, a whole separate category to his own. Higgs' mind wandered, curious if every inch of Sam's body tasted the same, or if each bit of skin had its own flavor, and if it perhaps changed depending on the situation.

He pulled away after a few moments, panting softly as he leaned his forehead against Sam's, grinning toothily.

"...that's for being my handsome hardass."

Sam leaned up, trying to follow Higgs' lips as he pulled away. "Want to head back? Did you get all that out of your system?" He teased lightly. 

In all honestly, he wanted to go back just so he could climb into the shower with him again. Maybe lay on the bed doing nothing but kissing him until one of them fell asleep. He just wanted to touch and feel and hold.

He blinked lazily, like a cat might when it was feeling contented, before nodding. "Yeah, think I'm good..." he hummed quietly, looking to Sam with something like curiosity or admiration. Possibly both.

"...you said you didn't want to just go for a walk but... you knew I needed this, somehow, didn't you?" He asked quietly.  
Sam was a quiet man, and it seemed he was also a rather observant man. Probably had noticed the tension building in Higgs from being in a confined space too long, or his outburst at that Bridges guy probably gave something away... Who knows.

"We need a shower, and I need to see if these will _actually_ get cleaned."

Sam laughed, looking over his poor clothes. "I'm sure they will. The cape is for Timefall, right? Should wash right off." He reassured, reaching up to wipe the mud away from Higgs' eye. 

"Come on. Let's head back... a nice hot shower and maybe just laying under the blanket sounds good to me." He suggested, patting his side, encouraging him to get up.

"You gonna lay naked with me, hardass?" He purred, that anger easily slipping away to be replaced with his usual playful side.  
It was like switching between masks...

Pushing himself up, he brushed as much of the mud away from himself as possible, whining softly in his worry when he couldn't get it all off this instant.

"I made this myself, you know. Obviously, because it's not standard porter issue and who the fuck would make something like this except for me?"

"Anything you want." Sam said, wholeheartedly meaning it. "And no one would even dream of being out here wearing that shit, princess. They don't have the guts." He praised, getting himself up and out of the mud, feeling the weight of it on him. 

"Come on, let's get back before you get me messier and I'll have to pay a cleaning bill at Bridges."

"You saying its gutsy of me to be wearing something like this?" Higgs asked, turning to quickly throw a questioning glance at Sam, stumbling slightly and quickly righting himself and staring ahead again.

"I'll behave just long enough to get us back to the distro center. Then, I make no promises."

Sam smirked, shooting Higgs a light glare. "Yeah. I've never seen anyone out there wanting to make themselves look different from the porters. Dangerous, someone might mistake you for a MULE or one of those guys they're talking about. You know, the weird ones with the high extinction factor."

"Homo demens," Higgs replied easily, not turning around to look at Sam as he walked back towards where they came from, careful of his steps so that he wouldn't slip and fall and get even fucking muddier than he already was, thanks to a certain hardass.

"They're... like the MULEs, but worse."

"You come across any of them?" Sam asked curiously, turning to look at him better. 

"Just when you think it's bad enough, it always gets worse..." he sighed heavily, looking down at his boots and watching his steps.

Higgs clenched his jaw, decidedly not answering the question as they carried on, the silence not altogether awkward, but also not altogether pleasant.

If someone thought MULEs were bad, stealing people's cargo for themselves, Homo demens were worse. They used real weapons with actual ammo, with the capabilities of killing someone and causing void outs. They didn't seem to give a flying fuck about whether or not they were killed in the process, out there just for the fun of fucking people up.

Yeah, Higgs had come across them once or twice.

The silence from the usually boisterous man was answer enough to his question. He'd heard of the horrible things those people did. That you should avoid them at all costs and use live rounds when you couldn't. 

People seemed to enjoy doing unthinkable things to this man. He seemed to be a magnet for people and whatever fucked up shit they could come up with. 

Saying nothing, he stepped closer, taking Higgs' hand in his own and holding it as they continued their walk back. He decided he wouldn't speak until Higgs did.

The gesture, and the continued silence made Higgs' eyes water, but with his other hand, he pulled his gold and black hood up over his head. He gave the other man's hand a squeeze as he consciously walked a bit closer to him.

He remained quiet until they got back to the distro center.

**Scanning porter IDs. Scanning complete. Welcome, Sam Porter Bridges. Welcome, Higgs Monaghan. Weapons detected. Weapons locked until departure.**

"...still can't believe one of your fucking names is literally our job - Porter."

"I will literally knock you out here on the platform." He said, looking over at Higgs, a fondness in his eyes. He was probably one of the few people he would let get away with giving him shit.

"Oooh~ Big talk from the man I tackled into the mud," he purred, smirking again as he gently elbowed Sam.

"Welcome back, Sam! If you've got the time, there's a pretty hefty order on the terminal, for you," one of the Bridges guys called, waving at Sam.

Higgs bristled, that spark of brightness from his smirk fading as jealousy bubbled in his stomach again, angry.

Sam waved back with his free hand, the other still holding on to Higgs. "Yeah, I'll get it in the morning. Probably be heading out again either tomorrow morning..." he gave Higgs a look over. "...maybe the afternoon." He amended, stepping a little closer, feeling the tension again in the smaller man.

Feeling Sam's eyes on him, Higgs tore his glare away from the Bridges guy and looked up at him, cheeks warming as he changed his tune.  
"Afternoon? You got plans, hardass?" He asked quietly, brow raised a bit.

"No problem! I don't think it's an urgent request - just know it's marked specifically for you," the Bridges guy said, smiling sheepishly. "Private room is open, if you need. Seems you might want to shower?"

"What gave that away, genius? The fucking mud everywhere?" Higgs growled, his heart thudding heavily.

"Hey, easy..." Sam pulled Higgs' hand closer to him, looking down at him a moment. 

"Yeah, got a bit messy out there. Feel like we might have been rolling around in it or something." He flashed another quick smile. "Anyway, thanks for letting me know. See you tomorrow." He called to him before stepping in front of Higgs again.

"You okay?" He asked quietly, looking over him with a little worry.

Higgs averted his gaze, feeling slightly like a scolded child.

"M'fine," he muttered quietly, clenching his jaw tightly, wanting to pull his hand away and just go to the private room.

The Bridges guy had wandered off and Sam and Higgs were alone in the entryway.

"....sorry."

"What's the matter? That's not the first time you've gotten like that..." Sam asked, wondering if Higgs had a bad experience with a member of Bridges in the past. He knew they weren't all gold star people. 

"You can talk to me, you know..." he said, voice low, pulling his hand to his chest.

It was unfair when Sam used that voice. Absolutely unfair, because it made Higgs' walls crumble a little at a time and he hated it. How was he going to fix the big gaping hole Sam was busting into the protection he had built for himself?

"It's... it's nothing, really. I'm just being stupid. ...nothing new there, right?" Higgs forced a little half smile and a shrug.

After all, Sam had called him a stupid kid when they'd first met.  
That's what he was, wasn't it? Just a stupid kid.

"Sorry I didn't hold my tongue. I'll bite it a bit harder next time," he hummed softly.

"Don't apologize... and... you don't have to be jealous." Sam smiled, pressing a soft kiss to Higgs' fingers. "I can't think of anyone else I'd rather have a roll in the mud with." He teased, pulling his hand, taking them to the platform, lowering to the private rooms. 

"Be careful with your tongue... I can think of a few better uses for it."

Higgs opened his mouth to protest, but his cheeks flushed and he allowed himself to be led to the platform and then to the private room.

"Oh? And what's the better uses for my tongue then, hm~?" He purred, finally managing to get words out of his mouth.

Sam was a surprise, really.  
When they first met in that cave, Higgs was afraid he'd be stuck in close quarters with someone boring, someone that didn't know how to joke and just should be left alone.  
Turned out, he was extremely wrong about Sam back then. There was so much more to the brooding, hardass of a man that he'd met during Timefall.

"Thought maybe you'd swallowed it for a moment there. Never heard you so quiet." Sam teased, turning to Higgs and helping him get undressed. "Do you know you don't even shut up in your sleep?" He scoffed, a ridiculous truth, but it really wasn't any problem. 

"And you're the creative one, what uses can you think of?"

Letting Sam help him out of his clothes, Higgs stumbled slightly at Sam's words, nearly falling as he stepped out of his black pants.  
"Wha-?! I talk in my sleep?!" He exclaimed, feeling a flood of warm embarrassment.

Oh _fuck_. What sort of embarrassing bullshit spewed from him while he slept and had even less of a fucking filter than he usually had?

"Shit- I'm... I didn't know I talk in my fucking sleep..." he groaned, running a hand over his face, only doing to smear the mud that was still partially wet. He looked even more a mess, doing that.

"I could bite my own damn tongue off and die, start the fuck over instead of dying from sheer embarrassment. That's a use for my tongue."

Sam laughed, shaking his head, grabbing Higgs by his arms and pulling him closer. "You didn't say much. Said my name a few times, then you just talked a little. Most if it just gibberish." He reassured, soft smile on his face. 

He liked the idea of having so much to say you talk in your sleep. Either that or being so terribly lonely.

Higgs' cheeks flushed bright and warm as he groaned again, letting his head fall against Sam's chest.

"Great, yeah, nothing too embarrassing or anything..." he muttered, sighing.

His wonderful brain, of course, went on to think of far more fun ways to use his tongue.

Tasting all parts of Sam, for example, as he had thought of while they were kissing out in the fucking mud.

"Are you going to get naked or am I showering this crap off of myself without you?"

"Oh, only because you ask so nicely." Sam stepped back, getting himself undressed. "Come on, how are you that covered in mud? You were completely covered!" He accused, seeing the mess trail from his face, down his neck to his shoulders. 

"Come on." He invited, stepping in and offering out his hand to the younger man.

His cheeks warmed as he took the offered hand, stepping into the shower with Sam, the doors slipping shut behind him.

The water came on and Higgs hummed quietly, pressing himself against Sam.  
The other man was nowhere near as muddied as he was, despite the younger man's best efforts of getting him dirty.

"Why are you so damn good to me, Sam?"

"I keep asking that myself." He snarked before wrapping his arms around Higgs, rocking him a bit. 

"I'm just treating you how you deserve." He hummed, hands reaching up and loosening clumps of dried dirt out of Higgs' light hair.

Quietly, Higgs helped clear away the mud from Sam's body, being as gentle as he could manage.

"Did you get all the mud off of me?" He asked quietly. "Think you're pretty well cleaned off," he hummed absently.

Sam looked him over, quietly appreciating the way the water rolled down his battered body, catching on raised scars and changing direction. 

He ran his fingers through his hair, making sure it came clean. "You're all clean now. Want to get out?"

Rubbing his eyes, Higgs nodded. "Yeah, please... I wanna lay down and maybe get some sleep," he murmured quietly, leaning himself against Sam a bit. "I feel like all my energy is just zapped," he muttered, a yawn stretching his mouth.

Sam supported Higgs' weight, turning off the water and moving to the bed. He crawled in, not bothering with getting dressed right now.

"We had an eventful day." He agreed, patting the empty side of the bed.

Higgs stumbled his way out of the shower to collapse against Sam in the bed, curling against him.

"Sure you have plenty of those, though. Eventful days. All the runs you must make everyday..." he sighed, his eyes drifting closed.

"Sure. But this was a different kind of eventful." Sam reasoned, pulling the blanket up around the both of them. He wrapped his arms around Higgs, pulling him just a little closer. 

Breathing him in and pressing a small kiss to his forehead, he hummed, settling quietly and wondering how he'd be able to just go back to how things were. "Get some sleep, princess. I'll see you in the morning."

Higgs yawned again, the force of it making his small body tremble against Sam's before he snuggled in against him more. "G'night, hardass," he hummed with a sleepy laugh, easily drifting to sleep.

_Warm hands trailed along his skin, leaving little fires in their wake. Higgs shifted and whimpered quietly, shaking his head. That cruel laughter rang in his ears, echoing in his mind.  
'You think you're special, do you? Think you mean something to him? He's using you for your warm little body. You're nothing more than a pretty face to him, and you know it,' Daddy's voice spat, before a hand grabbed hold of his hair, tugging on it. 'No one will ever love you, Higgs. No one but me. You're all alone, even in that big world you wanted to escape to. Idiot boy...'_

It was still night when Higgs woke up, dark tears running down his cheeks and staining the bed beneath him. He quickly wiped at his face and slipped from bed, pulling on his cleaned clothes - black tight pants, black turtle neck sweater and his gold and black cape. He slung his pack onto his shoulders and pulled his hood up, throwing one last glance towards Sam's sleeping form in the bed.

He approached carefully and pressed a kiss to the man's forehead before leaving the private room, taking an order at the terminal and trekking out.

Sam woke to the room's lights naturally coming on, simulating the rising of the sun or some crap. He groaned, scrunching his face and reaching out to pull Higgs closer. 

When his search came up empty, he opened his eyes, looking around from him in the room. 

He was gone. No evidence that he'd been there other than the aching and warm memory of him. 

He waited there for some of the day, hoping he'd come back. When he didn't show, Sam packed it up, heading out and taking the order at the terminal. For a moment he considered using a carrier, deciding against it when he realized no one would give a shit.

Why did he leave? Did he have enough? Didn't want to be with someone he couldn't get physically intimate with? Was it something he said? Had he been too rough on him?

The order Higgs had taken was sending him all the way back towards Port Knot City, the direction from where he'd been coming when he had run into Sam. He figured maybe, the farther out he went, the less chance he would have running into anyone. ....less chance of running into Sam.

His path led him through quite a few MULE camps, though, and more than a little bit of Timefall and BT territory. He kept a firm grip on his pack, though, keeping himself stable as he walked through the night, ignoring the fear that left his body numb and cold.

Memory of Sam's light and his comforting embrace made it at least partially bearable, but that angry voice drilled into his head kept calling him pathetic for needing something like that to carry on. If he couldn't fucking handle the dark, then he didn't deserve to see the fucking light.

When morning light started to rise, Higgs was a good several miles from Central Knot, shivering and pale but still going.

Far enough away from the city that they wouldn't be stopped, but close enough to catch unassuming porters and their cargo and haul it back to camp, the MULEs had situated about 10 ot 15 miles from the city. 

Just before the sun was fully up, something pinged their scanners. Cargo. Small cargo and potentially expensive. 

The porter carrying was small, would be easy work to take back and strip him of anything of value. He didn't wear Bridges standard issue so he must be freelance, looking like that, he reeked of value. Shit, if the kid was pretty enough they might be able to even sell him for use. 

It was almost too good to be true, shooting the man down, all tied up now and grabbing him, dragging him back to the main camp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh jeeze... what trouble has Higgs gotten himself into now...?
> 
> A heads up and a pre-warning, some really bad stuff to come in the next chapter, whenever that goes up.  
> Violence and other not fun times as can be found in the tags


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Higgs gets into his own head too much, things go to shit. Captured by MULEs and other unspeakable things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for this chapter my dears
> 
> A good deal of violence and implied violence  
> rape, and implied rape
> 
> Also just a whole helluva lot of swearing, mostly from Higgs
> 
> Summary of chapter in End Notes, in case this chapter is too much ♡  
> Be kind to yourself and don't push yourself to read the chapter if you can't

Too tired and too in his own head, Higgs didn't hear or see the fucking MULEs until they were on him, his body tied up and wriggling on the ground. He snarled angrily, despite the aching tired in his bones.

"Let me go!" He exclaimed, still struggling against the damn ties that bound him. If he could just...reach the knife in his fucking boot, he could work his way out. "Gonna fucking regret this, you damn bastards," he added angrily, squirming and wriggling as he managed to reach his boot, searching blindly for his knife to get himself free.

He could fight em off, probably, if he could just get his hands and feet free. Adrenaline would keep him going for a short while until it wore off and his exhaustion settled in again.

One of the guys brought his boot down hard to the side of his head, knocking him out and shutting him up. 

"Hey! Don't ruin his face! We could make some money off him." One of the others pushed the guy aside, stopping him from kicking him again. "If you're gonna kick him, hit lower."

The darkness he slipped into was dotted with bright stars, but it was cold there, wherever _there_ was. His head ached and wouldn't stop ringing, even after the bright stars faded and he opened his eyes again, still tied up, but no longer in the fucking MULE truck. His pack was gone, his cargo stolen. He wriggled and grabbed at his boot, a groan of frustration leaving his busted lip when he felt his knife missing from its place hidden in his boot.

"Fucking- dammit!" He growled, struggling against the bonds again, knocking himself over.

"Looking for this?" One of the guys asked, attention drawn to the noise, wiggling the knife in the boy's direction. "How's some little punk like you get so much nice stuff?"

Higgs grit his teeth angrily, snarling like a cornered animal - which he wasn't far from in likeness at this point. "I'm a fucking porter you moron; I get what I get from people that need this shit to get to other people," he huffed, wriggling against his restraints, on his side on the ground now. "Fucking- I _just_ washed this cape, dammit! I'm gonna kill every single one of you assholes when I get outta here!"

"Sure you will." He laughed, kicking at Higgs' boots, looking at them, sizing their feet up. He bent down, unlacing and pulling them off, hitting him when he struggled. 

"Nice! Too bad your ass is too damn scrawny. I could use some pants."

"Too scared to fucking untie me and give me an actual chance though, ain't ya?"

Wiggling again, Higgs tried to kick the bastard stealing his good boots. "You stupid motherf-!" he growled, thrashing a bit more violently. "Those are mine! I will cut them off your stupid fucking fat feet you bastard!"

"Keep that shit up, and you'll be getting your knife back." He pointed at him with the blade of the knife, shining gold in the light. He laughed, moving to sit back down, keeping an eye on the kid like he'd been told to.

"Do it, I fucking dare you!" He hissed, narrowing his eyes dangerously, squirming to try to move himself into a better position. "Gonna fucking stab me, bleed me out and cause a fucking voidout? Sounds fucking good to me, _DO IT_!"

"God you're fucking annoying." He groaned, rolling his head back. "Damn shame they want me to let you keep your tongue. Guess you don't much need your teeth though." He threatened, getting up and kicking him again.

Higgs curled in on himself, protecting his body best he could from the man's stupid foot kicking out at him.

When he calmed his shit, Higgs spat blood at him, eyes still narrowed angrily.

He was slightly regretting leaving the safety of the distro center while he didn't have a clear head on his shoulders. His dumb ass had to go and get caught by fucking MULE assholes.

The MULE went back to sitting down, appreciating his new boots when a few others came in. 

"Strip him down, we might have a buyer. But I'm gonna sell his clothes. They're too nice just to end up in some recycle center."

"Don't you fucking dare! Those are _MINE_! I FUCKING made them!" He shouted, spitting more blood as he wriggled again on the ground, despite the soreness in his body.  
"Ain't nobody in the whole fucking country that these clothes would look good on but me," he added with something of a smirk, remembering what Sam had said about his clothes.

"Can you shut him up, please? Just... watch his face. Won't make anything if they can't get a good look. Probably won't if we can't get him to shut up either." He breathed a laugh, turning to leave. "Leave his pants, don't want his ass all over my damn truck."

Higgs clenched his hands behind his back, his shoulders trembling, the only thing giving away the small amount of fear that he felt. It could be easily misinterpreted as his anger, which he felt quite a bit more of.

"What are you going to do with me?" He asked, clenching his sore jaw.

The guy grabbed Higgs by the jaw, forcing it open and shoving something in his mouth and strapping it behind his head. It covered the majority of the bottom half of his face, distributing the weight so it wouldn't cause lasting damage to his lips. 

"Get him in the truck. Knock him out first. Don't want him rolling around or trying anything back there."

There was a fire in his pretty blue eyes as he looked up at the MULE jerk shoving some odd contraption into his mouth, around the bottom of his face. He tried to speak around it, but just found himself muffled and rather lewdly drooling.

Before he could try to complain further, he felt something hard connect with his head, the darkness returning as he slipped from consciousness.

They'd made their way to a secondary location, far enough away so that they wouldn't have their camp found, and so their buyer could have the privacy of making his purchase in the middle of nowhere. 

Preppers always had the weirdest desires. But this one was one of them important Bridges guys. The kinds with good money and the pull to do as he pleased. They'd be getting supplies and money out of this. 

Once they'd traded him over, the boy was put into the man's truck and taken to a bunker somewhere, left laying on the floor, no longer tied up, but not quite free either.

Higgs stirred, but he had no clue how long he'd been out, no way to gauge how much time had passed.  
Coming to a bit more, he realized he had a bit more freedom of movement, his hands no longer bound behind his back, but that stupid thing that MULE fucker had put in his mouth was still there, keeping him quiet.  
The ground was a bit uncomfortably cool beneath his uncovered torso, but he was grateful to still feel pants on his legs, at least for the time being.

Carefully, he pushed himself to sit up, groaning as the pain in his head shifted with him. He reached up and pressed his hand against his head gingerly, his fingers coming away with dried blood.

Fuckers.  
Steal his cargo, sure, that's one thing.  
Steal his fucking good turtle neck and cape and his FUCKING BOOTS?!  
Were they fucking serious?!  
As soon as he got himself out of this fucking mess, those assholes were _dead meat_.

Coming back to see his new prize, the man made his way into the bunker, pleased to see the boy was up. "I was almost worried they'd killed you. Sure did make an awful mess of you though. You'll need to be washed before we can get to it." He hummed, stepping closer to the young man, knowing if he lunged at him the chain around his ankles would stop him from reaching him. 

"If you're good, I'll take that out of your mouth. Come here, nice and slow now."

The uniform.  
_That fucking uniform._  
Bridges.  
Of all the fucking sickos to have bought him from some goddamned MULEs, it had to be a damn Bridges guy.  
Course it did.

He huffed a breath angrily through his nose before pushing himself to his feet.  
He felt a little shaky, and he could hear fucking chains jingling as cool metal pressed against his ankles.

Right, so not as free as he thought, but at least he had use of his hands. That was more than Daddy gave him sometimes.

Letting another long breath out through his nose, he walked slowly and carefully towards the man, his blue eyes narrowed and icy.

He worked the gag out of the boy's mouth, running his hand along his face, wiping the drool all over his mouth. "Oh! Aren't you a pretty little thing!?" He praised, forcing Higgs' mouth open, counting his teeth and stretching his lips.

"Bet you'll look even nicer on your knees."

Still holding all that pent up rage, Higgs bit down on whatever he could, a low growl rumbling through his chest.

"Bet you'll look even better without your fucking knees," he hissed, fully expecting to be hit, or hurt in some way for his back talk, for his aggressive response, but he didn't care.  
What could this man do to him that hadn't already been done? What could this man do that would possibly matter?

The man shouted and pulled away, his finger damn near bit to the bone. With his other hand, he hit the boy with all he could. "You pissy little bastard!" He growled, lashing out and hitting him a few more times. 

How would you even explain an injury like that? 

Unsure of what to do next, he left, turning off all the lights and leaving his new toy to sit in the cold room in the dark.

Higgs fell backwards at one of the last hits, his body unable to hold itself up. He curled into a ball on the floor, holding himself as he felt those damned dark tears welling in his eyes.

It was stupid to lash out, stupid not to just... _behave_ , like he was always told to do. Daddy had always demanded him to behave, Sam had even wanted him to behave, and now this fucking Bridges asshole...

He rubbed at his jaw, opening and closing his mouth to get the soreness out from that damn gag having been in his mouth, and then the hits on top of that didn't help.

_Idiot...  
Idiot, **idiot.**  
Should have just shut your damn mouth, and now you're stuck in the fucking dark instead._

Higgs squeezed his eyes closed, letting himself sob quietly.

He wished he had stayed with Sam, wished he'd avoided the fucking MULEs, wished he'd been a _good boy._

...but he never did the right thing, first go around.

It was a few days before he returned, patched up and in better condition. This time he came better prepared, hoping to find his prize still alive. He'd be pissed if it died before he could use it.

He flipped on the lights, blinding brightness filling the room especially after so much time in the dark. 

"Oh good! You haven't died! Brought you a present, bet you're hungry, aren't you? Been pissing yourself too, huh? We'll get you washed up." He teased, the stink in the room lingered with no real way out without the vents on. It smelt like piss and blood, as if the kid had been bashing his head into the ground, looked it too.

He squinted in the sudden brightness, huffing as he sat up to glare at the man that had left him alone for so long. He hadn't been alone in the dark like that in so long. Too long.

Blood slid down his cheek, mingling with the dark tar of his tears that stained his face as well.

His body was discolored from bruising, and his already bony figure didn't look much better. Sam would throw a shit fit, surely.

_Shut up, idiot. Stop thinking about him like he's gonna come along and fucking rescue you. No one's ever fucking rescued you - you gotta do that shit yourself. You're not some useless damsel in distress.  
Find. An. Opening._

"Sick fuck," Higgs muttered, his voice raspy from screaming and cursing loudly and sobbing so hard, only for nothing to come of any of it. "You gonna wash me, huh? Or you gonna try moving me so I can wash myself? What's the deal here? ...promise I'll play nice~"

The man set a bowl on the floor containing some rice and a protein mix. "Eat." He said simply, moving behind the man to tie his arms. 

"You'll eat then I'll put this on your face. Won't hurt like the gag did but you won't be able to bite me again." He explained, working on the chains.

"Then, you're going to sit in the corner while I spray you down. Might have been too dark for you to notice, but the drain in the floor means I don't have to be nice to you. You'll just be hosed down."

"Expect me to eat like a little piggy or what?" Higgs huffed, trying to turn around and glare at the man, but his head was pushed back, pushed towards the bowl.

With an annoyed little huff, Higgs lowered himself to eat the awful mixture, but he supposed it was at least somewhat better than protein paste alone.

Finished eating, Higgs sat back on his feet, kneeling somewhat. "How'd the finger heal, hm? Get any weird looks having a bite like that?" He asked curiously, brow raised.

A small part of him wanted to ask about Sam, or just to drop Sam's name.  
_Don't do it, don't be an idiot.  
You can get out of this mess yourself and fix your own problems, same as you always have, same as you always will._

The guy opened his mouth to answer but decided against encouraging the kid.

Instead he put the mask over Higgs' face, strapping it closed and patting him on the back of his head. "That's better. Aren't you sweet?" He ran his fingers through his hair before tugging and pulling him down, forcing him to the ground. 

Moving out of the way, he started the water, watching as the boy flinched at the temperature of it. "Take your pants off."

"I'll show you _sweet_ , you fucki-nnn!" The slight shock of pain from his hair being tugged made him whimper. That evidently wasn't even the worst part, of course. The water was fucking freezing - no worse than one of the rivers or streams he had washed himself in before, but all the same it was a shock to his system.

Higgs glared icy daggers up at the man.

"How am I supposed to take my pants off when you tied my hands, moron?" He grumbled, wriggling to attempt to slip out of his pants, somehow managing it.

Exposed and vulnerable, Higgs felt his body tense.

_Behave, boy. Don't you dare look at me. Keep your fucking head down._

He sprayed him down with the water again until the drain ran clear. "Lay still. If you move, I'm cutting one of your fingers off." He threatened, showing the young man a knife before spraying him down with some sort of soap. 

"You diseased or anything? You're fucking covered in that shit. Shouldn't have paid full price for your ass. You've probably been owned before."

"I'm a fucking porter you asshole. Ain't ever been owned," he growled, keeping himself still. He would much rather not lose any of his body parts, actually, thanks.

"Ain't diseased, neither. Just been beat to shit by the stupid motherfuckers that decided to sell me off to you instead of just turning me loose—" he paused, scrunching his nose. "Actually, that was probably smart of them... I would've just turned my ass right around and killed every fucking one of em. Just like I'm gonna do when I get my ass out of here."

"And how are you planning on getting out of here?" He asked, amused while he scrubbed the boy clean with a bristled brush, scraping his skin raw and clean.

The young man hissed in pain as the Bridges jerk scrubbed him raw, his skin red and bleeding by the time it seemed he was satisfied with the state of it.

"I'm not a complete idiot. I'm not gonna fucking tell you how I plan to get out."

"So you have no idea. No plan. You don't even know where you are." He pointed out, looking pretty smug. "Even if you do get out, where are you gonna go?" He shook his head, a disapproving hum as he turned, spraying the boy clean again. 

"Now. Are you going to be a good boy for me?"

"I wasn't even consistently a good boy for my Daddy, and he _actually_ scared me," he snarked, trying not to take the bait about his escape.

Sure, he didn't have a plan _at the moment_ , but... he hadn't found an opening yet. He would, and he would kill this motherfucker same as he killed his Daddy all them years ago. Then he'd find those MULEs that stole his shit, kill em all and get his stuff back.

Easy peasy.

Except obviously not, easy peasy.

"Right. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough?" He frowned, pulling Higgs to him, looking him over. "Really is a shame about your face..." he sighed, almost reluctantly cutting a thin, deep line from the beginning of his hairline down across his eye and stopping where the mask started.

Higgs felt his fingers tense against each other, balling into fists as a scream was torn from his already rough throat. Dark tears welled in the eye that wasn't now wounded and bleeding.

"F-Fucker!"

"How delicious!" He laughed, revelling in the rough scream he'd drawn from that pretty mouth.

"That might make it a little hard to escape. And it's not like I damaged anything important. When I'm bored of you, it's not like you'll need it." He shrugged, patting the boy on top of his head. 

"Well, I really should get going. Maybe next time we can have a little bit of _real_ fun!" He flashed him a disgusting grin, his greedy eyes lighting up at the thought. 

He walked out, leaving Higgs wet, naked, and alone in the dark again.

He stayed strong, as strong as he could until that door closed and he was left alone in the dark again. He sobbed quietly to himself as he curled into a ball on the cold floor, made colder by the icy water that was left over from being his being hosed down.

His pants weren't any help, also made wet by the spray, but he found them and wiggled into them anyway, trying to hold onto some shred of himself, of dignity.

_If Sam could see you now... would he get that disgusting look of pity in his eyes, or would he be angry? This is your fault after-all. Stupid boy._

Higgs rested with his open wound against the cold floor, eventually able to force himself to sleep in wait of that Bridges man, in wait of an out.

Only a day had passed before he returned. Unable to keep himself away from the tempting idea of his personal boy, hidden under the ground.

He opened the door, turning all the lights on again, enjoying the way the cut was beginning to swell and look infected. "Good morning! Hungry?" He asked, this time setting down a cup with a straw in it. It would fit through the mask, but it would be a struggle without the use of his hands. He looked forward to the sight.

He moved over to the small man, already a bit thinner than when he'd gotten him. He lifted him up roughly, removing his pants again. "Let's see you. Have you been used before? Or are you young as you look? I bet somebody kept you nice and safe in their bunker. What happened? Sold off for something better?"

Higgs' eyes focused in on the stupid cup with the straw. This was a game, and there was no way to win, because no matter what he did about that straw and this fucking mask, it seemed like it would probably elicit some sort of reaction from this asshole.

So, he decidedly pulled his attention from it, especially when he was lifted and the only slight warmth he had was removed from him.

"Don't know how old I am, if that's what you're askin'. Never kept track of age when I was stuck underground, but I been out in the world as a porter 3 years now, like I already fuckin told you. That's how those fuckin MULEs got me. Porting cargo through their territory."

It had been drilled into his head that it was never a good idea to lie. Daddy had caught him in so many lies, and he'd been severely punished for each and every one. He didn't doubt at least some of the same rules applied.

"Dunno what you mean by used, though. Fucked? Not in a damn long while."

"Shame. Won't be your first time then... but it'll still be good. Was worried you might have been some slut or maybe a plant from those MULE bastards. You do look plenty abused." He hummed, running his hands along Higgs' sides.

"I really should have had a look at you... you're not at all what they advertised. Least you're young..." he hummed, manhandling him, using the chains on his wrists behind his back to pull him up.

"You might want to eat. I'm taking that cup with me when I leave. And it's been a while for me too. This won't take terribly long." He warned, watching the boy's face, waiting to see the horror and disgust in his eyes. The reality of the situation settling in.

Behind the mask, Higgs' jaw clenched, his breath coming more slowly. He knew what this was, he wasn't stupid, and he wasn't going to give the man the satisfaction of even pretending to be surprised.  
Underground bunker room where some asshole keeps a bound and naked young man such as himself?

This was fated to happen, coming any day. ...a part of him had hoped, of course. Had hoped it would be different.

"What'd they advertise, anyway?" He asked, rolling his eyes as he tried to get a handle on the straw in the cup. He couldn't pull forward too much, for fear that the man would just yank him hard with that fucking chain, and he couldn't use his hands so-

A pretty pink tongue poked out from the hole in the mask, searching out the straw, wrapping the slightly pointed tip around the straw to draw it to his mouth. It was easier than he'd expected, doing it that way.  
He let his good eye slip closed, drinking from the cup, not exactly enjoying its contents, but at least it was sustenance of a sort.

...it wasn't any pizza, or sweets...  
Oh Sam...

"Pretty. Young. Feisty. Clean and untouched. But look at you. Look like you've let everyone you've ever seen touch you." He huffed, making quick work of the boy before being able to properly use him. 

He made a show of it, trying to terrify him as he went, rough and unforgiving.

More than anything, his face was sore when it was all over, having been shoved to the cold ground as the man had his fun using him. Higgs didn't cry, didn't scream. He made damn near no noises except for the struggling sounds of his breathing through the stupid mask on his face.

His legs trembled and he wanted nothing more than to curl up in the corner of this godforsaken room. Pretend he didn't exist for a while. Pretend nothing did.

He wasn't pretty. He didn't think he was, anyway, not anymore.  
He wasn't clean, and he definitely wasn't untouched.  
People were monsters, more than BTs ever could be, but even those slimy fucks were handsy as hell.

It went on like this for a while. The man getting more and more comfortable over time. Eventually he decided to take the mask off. Have a chance at that pretty mouth.

He pointed a gun to the boy's head, showing it to his good eye. "If I even think you're thinking about biting me, I'm going to shoot you in the head and toss you into the tar lake." He said simply, waiting for him to settle on his knees.

Higgs rolled his eyes. "You'd have to get me there first, and you don't look like you could carry around my dead body for a moment, let alone a trip that fucking long," he huffed, settling himself onto the floor on his knees.

He could go for it.  
Get shot now, die, repatriate, and get the jump on this guy.  
...but was it really worth it to die that way, to die now?

"Cross my little fucking heart, I won't bite your even little-r dick off," he smirked, tilting his head up to put his tongue to the barrel of the gun, before wrapping his lips around it, giving the man his best bedroom eyes.

"It's fine. I got the truck. We'll get there in plenty of time." He watched the way the boy wrapped his mouth around the barrel. "Fuck it. Can't trust you." He sighed heavily, squeezing his eyes shut and looking away before pulling the trigger.

He stood there, shaking a moment before knowing he'd have to make quick work, unchaining him, feeling sick when he looked to where the boy's face had been.

The shock was quick and over and Higgs felt his body go limp before the cool rush of water flowed over him.  
He woke up in the Seam, the dark blues of it all feeling like some deep ocean shit, though he'd never even _seen_ an ocean. He just knew that this is what it must be like.

Carefully moving through, back to his body, he felt a rush of wind, of warmth.

Waking up, he spluttered and turned on his side, hacking up the black tar crap before looking around himself to gather his bearings.  
To gain his balance and pull himself up a bit, he slammed his hand against the window that connected the back of the truck where cargo was stored, to the cab of the truck, leaving a dark hand print.

The sound of something from the back compartment of the truck slamming to the window made the Bridges guy stop, his eyes going wide when he saw the handprint on the window.  
There was no way that little shit had gone necro already! It hadn't even been 24 hours, let alone fucking 48!

Cautiously, he got out of the truck, his gun unholstered and at the ready as he rounded to the back to check on the body.

In a blur of movement, Higgs was out of the back of the truck, had kicked the gun from the startled guy's hands, and picked it up himself, pointing it directly at the stupid motherfucker.

"Check mate~" he purred, bashing the guy over the head with the butt of the gun, successfully knocking him out.

Higgs tapped the gun to his temple, chewing the inside of his cheek.  
What to do with this asshole?  
Shooting him would be too easy, too quick.

Instead, he found some chains in the man's truck, securing him to the front seat before placing a heavy ass rock on the gas pedal.  
Grinning, he waved and gave the good ol one finger salute as the truck drove itself quickly away carrying its cargo to wherever their final destination would be.

Satisfied with that, at least, Higgs looked down at himself, only then realizing he was very much without clothes.  
No boots either.

Well shit...

It didn't take him long to get his bearings about him, setting off at a determined pace towards the MULE camp that had captured him, gun at the ready. He was sure he looked an absolute mad man mess, his feet a bit bloodied and muddied, that shimmering new scar over his eye, and all those ghosted handprints left on him in the form of bruises. One offender had already paid their dues, or would quite shortly. It was time to get the rest. 

He was going to have a bit of fun.

He didn't have any cargo, or any tags to get pinged when he entered the camp, being real good and careful about sneaking up behind a good handful of the MULE guys, managing to steal a blade off the first one to use to slit the throats of the rest.

Approaching the tent he'd been held in, quiet as could be without any boots to clomp around in, he spotted his clothes, folded and still there waiting for him. He couldn't help the little triumphant swell of excitement as he stepped into the tent opening, finding none other than the motherfucker that stole his boots and his knife. He grinned at him, all toothy, wide and knowing as he barreled him down and did as promised - cut his boots off the man's feet, listening to his screams.

"Music to my ears, sweetheart, you just keep right on keeping on," he purred, cleaning the feet out of his boots before getting dressed and lacing them up. It felt good to be clothed again, to be wearing his cape, his turtleneck.  
Some random ass black pants though - oh well.

"Can't win em all, eh boys?" Higgs laughed, cutting down the rest of the camp with his knife and the rest of the ammo in the gun.

By the time it was all clear, he was splattered with blood and mud and was flying higher than a goddamned kite.

He picked up his stolen cargo and took as much extra as he could manage before heading to his next destination, not bothering to get cleaned or anything.

_Port Knot City, here we come._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew!
> 
> that was an ordeal and a half...
> 
> For those who couldn't or didn't read the chapter for various reasons, here's a general lay down of what happened:
> 
> Higgs was captured by the MULEs, they took his stuff (including his clothes) and then sold him off to some sicko Bridges douche that kept him in his underground bunker.  
> He got a new scar over his eye, thanks to said Bridges dude, and some other awful crap happened, but he got free by letting himself be shot in the head, dying, and repatriating.
> 
> When he repatriated, he attacked Bridges dude, strapped him into his truck and put a rock on the gas pedal and let him go to his own death somewhere. He then backtracked and killed all the MULEs from the camp that captured him and he got his stuff back, clothes, cargo and boots.
> 
> And now! He is heading towards Port Knot city!
> 
> Next chapter will bring Sam back into the picture, see how he reacts to Higgs leaving him at Central!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The awaited reunion of the boys

It had been almost four months since Sam had met and spent the most intimate few days of his life with Higgs, since he'd been left by the only man he thought he might like. The closest he'd gotten to intimacy of any type and he was just left behind. 

So much for wanting to be friends...

Now it was almost like the man didn't exist. 

He blamed himself for the young man leaving. Maybe he'd said something or played too rough in the mud. Maybe the other man realized that Sam wasn't as interesting as he'd thought. The first few days he spent feeling confused, stressed that he really would be alone. The weeks after were filled with worry, concern for the other man's safety. What if he'd come back for him? 

Finally, and currently, he felt bitter anger and resentment for the man. He had obviously been using him, gotten what he wanted and realized Sam wouldn't or couldn't participate in his baser needs, and hit the road. 

Deep down,though, a part of him knew that wasn't the case. Knew you couldn't pin someone like that down, keep them cooped up and expect them to be fine. Someone like Higgs had to be left to wander. To tend to the whims of whatever his scattered mind created.

Sam couldn't help the bitter feelings that cropped up now and then. The world was getting shittier as the days went by, and he was beginning to wonder why he still bothered.

He carried his pack - that was pissing him off for the moment too - just staring out in the distance, seeing movement. 

He pulled his gun, cautious as he moved closer. When he saw who it was, it was like he'd cursed himself or summoned the man. 

He had half a mind to shoot him here. Instead, his heart acted out, calling the man's name in disbelief. 

"Higgs!?" It was far more hopeful than he could stand.

Exhausted and covered in splatters of dried blood and black tar, Higgs stumbled when he heard his name in that voice. His heart hammered heavily in his chest and he froze for a moment, gripping the straps of his pack in an attempts to steady himself.

Cautiously, Higgs turned towards the voice that had called his name, nearly breaking down when he saw Sam's face, not far from where he was.

He looked tired, too, and maybe a little bit older since last Higgs had seen him. Just how much time had passed, anyway?

Higgs' eyes were outlined in black, with a black smear down one cheek to cover over the scar from the Bridges guy. His hood was pulled up, not because it was raining, but because he liked it better that way, really.

"...Sam?" He called, his voice sounding so much smaller than he'd intended, a tremble in his voice as if he might start crying any moment.

Sam held onto his pack as he made his way over to the smaller man, still debating on shooting him or not. 

"Is that really you!? Are you really..." He couldn't help the light, fluttering feeling in his heart, though he did try to squash it down before seeing his face. 

"Is that...?" He rushed quicker, gun going away as he approached. "Is that your blood?" He asked worriedly, looking his clothes over.

Higgs took that moment to look down at himself, the first time he took in his own state of disarray since he'd left the MULE camp in his dust.

"Oh, no. Not this time, anyway. That all got washed away when I died," he smiled sheepishly, biting his lower lip. "It's uhm... a long story, actually, but before I even start on that I-" he looked up at Sam, realizing he was almost the same height as the other man now.  
When had that happened?  
"-...I'm sorry I left you in Central Knot. I...my nightmares and the shit my Daddy was saying got the better of me and I was so scared that-" he shocked his head, swallowing heavily. "...I haven't stopped thinking about you since then. Whenever that was..." he paused again, looking down at his feet.

"...how long ago was that, anyway?"

Sam put on a scowl, doing his best to stay angry. Wanting to hit him for leaving, to shout at him and let him know how terrible it felt to be left behind like that. 

"I... a while ago... does it matter?" He asked, wanting to reach out and pull him close. He wanted to hold him and not let go again. He was so afraid to let himself get hurt again. 

"You've grown... and what's on your face?" He asked, feeling his heart skip, catching sight of those eyes under the hood, lined in something dark, but softer than the tar.

"It matters to me. I haven't been able to count the days..." he replied, shying away slightly at that anger that flared in Sam's eyes a moment.

He didn't blame him, of course. Sam had every right to be pissed off at him, and if the other man decided he wanted nothing to do with Higgs after this, he couldn't - and wouldn't - hold it against him.

Damaged goods did no one any good, and he was even more damaged now than he was before.

Absently, Higgs reached up to his face before breathing a laugh, his cheeks going warm. "Oh, hah... I started wearing makeup," he replied carefully. "Does it... look stupid? Haven't really cared to look, myself. And, until now, it hasn't mattered much either. You're the first person I've run into since the MULE camp back near Central Knot..."

Sam shook his head, at a loss for words again. "No it looks, well you look good. Um, pretty. Makes your eyes so blue..." he explained, feeling a little anxious again. He could recognize that familiar feeling in his stomach. 

"Wait...MULEs? Where have you been?" He asked, unconsciously stepping just a little closer. 

His body tensed as he averted his gaze. His cheeks were pleasantly warm from hearing Sam call him pretty again, it had been so long...

"Uh... well, when I left because of my stupid fucking nightmare, I hadn't got really good sleep so I wasn't exactly..." he sighed, running a hand through his hair and letting his hood fall back.  
"Got captured by the MULEs and... they didn't just steal my shit and let me go," he sighed, shifting between his feet. "They stole my cargo, my knife, my boots and my clothes...and then sold me."

"Sold you!?" Sam asked, wishing he could turn around, find those assholes and... 

His anger would do Higgs no good now. "What happened? Are you...?"

Higgs shrugged, heaving a sigh. "Woke up in some cold, dark room and this Bridges asshole started looking me over and shit. Bit his fucking finger damn near off his stupid hand," he huffed, chewing the inside of his cheek. "...it was like being stuck underground with Daddy all over again... he used me for what he bought me for and then left me in the dark."

_But I killed them all. Destroyed them all.  
I'm free again. ...and of course I find you._

Sam wanted to reach for him, pull him close and just hold him. Maybe he could take away that cold and lonely ache that seemed to linger in those pale eyes. 

"I..." he started, not sure what to say now. Anything he wanted to didn't feel right. "118 ish days." He squinted, thinking about it. "Maybe more, but sometimes I don't pay attention."

Giving Higgs his day count back would give him some control back. At least he hoped so.

"118 days..." he breathed, the words falling from his lips like some kind of relief, like he had just been waiting for them his whole damn life so he could keep on living.  
He closed his eyes, sucking in a deep breath, holding it a moment before releasing it.

"118 days I been gone..." he murmured, shaking his head. He fiddled absently with something in his pocket before lifting his gaze to Sam again. "I killed em all. Every fucking one of em. The Bridges guy, after I repatriated in the back of his truck, and the fucking MULEs after I walked my ass all the way back to their camp and got every single one of em."

"Did you burn the bodies?" Sam asked, it not really mattering now. 

"Um... I'm heading to the waystation south of the port... are you going that way? We could walk together until we have to part again." He suggested, hopeful to have the company again. 

He'd be careful, afraid to let him in again, knowing that he'd possibly leave and get hurt again.

"Left em for the BTs to take care of," he admitted, looking towards the forming clouds, the upside down rainbow shimmering a little ways in the distance.

"Heading to Port Knot with this cargo. Late as fuck, but better late then never," he sighed, pulling his hood back up. "Being this late though... might not look too great on the records."

 _Gonna lose some of the trust that people had in me. Sam already—_  
He glanced towards the other man, seeing a wall of his own this time around.  
_—he don't trust you anymore. And who could blame him, up and leaving like you did... Bet he wasn't even fucking looking for you in all that time you were praying for him to find you. Fucking fool._

"If you can stand my company, and wouldn't rather throw yourself to the fucking BTs, then I imagine we can walk on together."

"Nah... if anyone is gonna be grabbing me, I'd rather it be you." Sam teased lightly, looking Higgs over apologetically. 

"I did ask around about you. 'Anyone seen that short weird kid in the flamboyant and excessive clothing? You know the one I was sharing a room with?' Well it turns out no one even saw you leave or what way you went." He sighed, looking down, not wanting to tell Higgs he gave up. 

"Figured you'd had your fill and were bored of me already. You're a strong kid... I figured you'd be fine."

"Guess we both figured wrong," Higgs muttered, adjusting his pack on his shoulders slightly before starting off walking again.

He made no comment to grabbing Sam, or to his clothes being called ' _flamboyant_ and _excessive_ ', or even to the reminder that they'd shared a room together. Sam was just trying to be nice. Trying to put pieces back together that weren't even there anymore.  
Some breaks just don't fix, some damaged goods can't be salvaged. It's best to just deliver em and get what you get, or dump em off on someone else to finish the job.

From his pocket, Higgs pulled the half mask, now shimmering and covered in golden chiralium, and placed it over his face.

Sam felt like part of Higgs was gone for good. And as much as he'd want to fix it or start back where they left off, he knew they couldn't. 

"I'm glad to see you again... for whatever that might mean to you." Sam said after a while of walking in silence.

Higgs paused in his step, turning slightly to Sam, letting hooded blue eyes look over the other man carefully.

Despite being more guarded, and having aged at least a little bit, Sam was still Sam. Still kind and soft and a breath of fucking fresh air. He was that feeling of stepping out of Daddy's bunker for the first time, to deliver his body to the BTs. He was dizzying and breathtaking and a whole new world of possibilities.

"...it means a lot, Sammy," he hummed softly, carrying on. "It's good to see you, too. In the flesh and not just in my head."

Sam felt his cheeks warm up again, smiling and looking down and away. "You too." He hummed softly, still walking quietly.

"Promise when you leave this time, you'll at least say goodbye?" He asked hopefully. He didn't think he could do it again. He knew he and Higgs were different in nature, but Sam had changed, just a little, because of him. Even in such a short period of time.

"I'd rather not have to say it for a good while, if that's... if it's okay with you. I'm a bit tired of being alone," Higgs admitted quietly, slowing his walk a little as Timefall started to fall. No sense slipping or running head first into a fucking BT.

"I'd understand though, if you'd rather I leave once this leg of the journey is done. ...and I'll say goodbye this time, promise," he added, feeling a lump in his throat.

_Fucking softie, what the hell is wrong with you? This kind of weak shit right here is what gets your ass in trouble, gets you dead, or worse._

"I'm sure no matter where you're heading there's going to be people needing more porters. I'll find work wherever you go." Sam shrugged easily, looking up at the sky. 

"Could use some good company, maybe with you, I can take even bigger orders and split the payment." He offered, work talk always calmed him down. It meant he didn't have to think about the future. 

Porting meant what came next was delivery. Pick up, travel, deliver. Until he got tired of the cycle.

"Probably could use someone to take a look at your shoulders, I bet," he replied absently, throwing a quick little soft glare towards the man and his cargo load that was surely over 120kg.  
"Bet you didn't let your poor fucking shoulders rest at all, did you? Gonna have to keep you to a bed for a few days?"

Bed.  
Man, he hadn't had a bed since the last time he had been with Sam.  
118 ish days. His body ached and was sore and...

He didn't want Sam to see him naked this time. He would be so mad, all those new scars and bruises that were surely still healing, from the way his whole body felt.

Sam laughed, shaking his head. "No thanks. But a shower does sound good right about now." He laughed, feeling like he probably smelt worse than he looked. 

"Maybe we could take a rest? Wait out the rain?" He asked hopefully, seeing the waystation just in the distance. "We can just wait in the entry."

"It's going to be in this area for at least a half hour or more," he sighed, looking up at the sky. "But, yeah, we can wait it out at the waystation. That where your shit is going?" He asked, turning his attention back to Sam's cargo load.

Fucking bastard had definitely bulked up a bit in those 118 days where Higgs was just barely staying fed enough to not collapse. It was a goddamn miracle he had the strength to carry what he was currently, which gratefully, wasn't overly heavy.

"I wouldn't mind laying my ass down, even on hard entryway floor. Cave floor would be better," he hummed, fondly remembering their first meeting, and Sam looking at him oddly for sprawling out on the cave floor.

"Well, we can rest when we get to where you're going. Don't mind if you want to just keep going." He shrugged, still making his way carefully.

Higgs shrugged, the pair closing in on the waystation and stepping inside, out of the Timefall.

"You're just dropping off? Not picking anything else up?" He asked carefully, standing at the mouth of the entry, looking ever like the boy that would run from the cave into the Timefall were Sam not there keeping him grounded.

"Where are we going? Maybe I will. Maybe I'll just carry you to where ever we're going." He smiled, going up to the terminal and dropping off his things at the belt.

"Port Knot - not too much farther," he grinned, shaking his head as he turned to Sam, the smile hidden behind the golden mask.

"Carrying me will only piss you off, Sam," he hummed, knowing he weighed far less than he did the last time Sam had picked him up.

"Why? You gonna wiggle around on me?" Sam teased, pushing him with his shoulder. "Alright, I'll take an order for Port Knot... you getting on the boat?" He asked curiously, not sure if he wanted to follow that far.

"Nah, I don't go out that far. Got enough trouble on my hands with the bit of fucking freedom I do have over here," he muttered, stumbling a bit more than he might have before from being pushed.

"Anyway, you'd like it too much if I wiggled around on you," he teased, hoping Sam didn't notice his stumbling.

"That's a proven truth." Sam smirked, looking Higgs over. 

"And good. I really don't want to go out that far either. I've heard the west sucks." He hummed, loading his pack and getting ready to head out. 

"All set? Want to wait it out? Or brave the rain?"

"I ain't afraid of no rain," Higgs grinned, bouncing on the balls of his feet, pulling his hood back up.

"If you're ready, and you're not too worried about the condition of your cargo, we could go now. But if you've got stipulations on your cargo, might be best to just take a load off for a moment or two," Higgs shrugged, trying to ignore the ache in his body.

He could rest when he finally made it to Port Knot. Then, he'd get an order for somewhere around Central or Capitol Knot and head back out that direction.

Sam smiled, shaking his container repair spray. "I'm all good. We can head out." He hummed, putting the spray in his pouch. He adjusted his pack, pulled up his hood, and started toward the outside again.

"You can see the BTs, right?"

"See em, smell em, yeah. I can be your little protector for this last leg of our trip. So please keep all arms, legs, and other extremities protected at all times during our trek through the rain. Thank you for flying with us today," he smirked, gently elbowing Sam as he chuckled, shaking his head.

He stepped out into the rain, letting a breath out as he scanned the immediate area for any sign of the BTs.  
He'd taken quite a few lives recently, so it seemed the bits of power he had had previously were amplified. Death brought seemed to amp up his abilities, protecting his life.  
Odd exchange rate, but he wasn't one to complain when things were in his favor.

"I can only sense them, see faint outlines of them. Sometimes their presence leaves a tingling on my skin." Sam explained, keeping his voice down and following the younger man. 

He held on tight to his pack, trying to keep it from making a sound.

Were he alone, Higgs would be tempted to get closer to the BTs, see just how well his recent death count amplified his powers.  
Having Sam relying on him, however, he kept them clear of any that dared show their wispy, slimy fucking forms.

As the building for Port Knot came into view, the Timefall started to let up, Higgs feeling himself relax and let out a heavy breath.  
"No hiccups," he hummed, a quiet praise to himself for getting them through safely. "How's your cargo? Gonna spray it before we check in?"

"Always do. The trick to being a good porter is to always trick them into thinking you're a good porter." Sam winked at Higgs, before stepping away to spray everything down. 

"How's yours? Want to use the rest of the can?"

Higgs shook his head. "Shits fucked, so there's no point trying to make it less fucked. I'm months late delivering this crap. Person it's for might not even fucking need it anymore. Probably got redeployed to some other, more reliable porter that doesn't get themselves into deep shit," he watched Sam curiously before shaking his head and smiling.

"You're more than a good porter, Sam, thought I already told you that. Legendary, remember?"

Sam shrugged, spraying it down anyway. "Just say you found it." He suggested, making it look at least less bad.

"Yeah, legendary... but I think you might be more than a little bias, princess." 

The word was out of his mouth before he could stop himself. It was probably too soon to go back to calling him terms of endearment. He held his breath, trying his best not to show his fear and anticipation on his face.

He felt himself freeze, warmth bubbling in his chest and in his cheeks. "I ain't bias - you never delivered nothing to me, so I got no say in it. I've just seen you work, and from one porter to another, you're better than any of the rest. Except me; I do damn good work too, when I'm not fucked for 118 days," he laughed, his cheeks still warm as he looked to Sam before continuing onwards towards the distro center.

"...Legendary Handsome Hardass, Sam the Delivery Man. I decided that about you before I even got to know you."

"Please... now you're just telling stories." Sam rolled his eyes, knowing there was no way Higgs knew who he was.

He emptied the can, putting it in his pouch to recycle before leading the rest of the way to the terminal.

"What? How am I telling stories!?" Higgs huffed, hurrying after Sam.

**Scanning Porter IDs. Scanning Complete. Welcome, Sam Porter Bridges. Welcome, Higgs Monaghan. Weapons detected. Weapons locked until departure.**

"You had that heavy ass load when I first met you in the cave, and you introduced yourself as Sam, while I just talked about the fucking Timefall like a spazz and...I called you a handsome hardass. Don't you remember?"

Sam couldn't help the small smile, the one he tried to his in the collar of his suit. "Oh! That time? In the cave? When you were rolling around on the ground like a wiggly little worm? And thought I was just some jerk?" He teased, looking over his shoulder at Higgs.

"When I thought you were some idiot kid?" He asked, watching his face... well what he could see of it anyway. 

He was already beginning to dislike that mask.

His brows furrowed as he huffed, gently punching Sam's arm. "Yeah, that time, in the cave, me the wiggly idiot kid and you the big muscly jerk," he barked a laugh, shaking his head.

"...been a long time since then. I never did walk out into Timefall to see what it would do to me, though. Guess my continued existence is your fault, how do you feel about that?"

It felt like ages since he was that kid in the cave, meeting Sam for the first time, not introducing himself and talking his ass off about nothing important at all.

"I feel pretty good about that. Hope I can keep up with the streak." Sam hummed, looking Higgs over, actually taking a good look. 

The kid had grown almost a foot since he'd seen him last, seeing eye to eye now. His eyes had hardened a bit more, no longer holding that wonder and joy they did before. He'd gotten out, free from the hell he'd been born in, only to find that the world outside was just as bad. If not worse. 

Sam was beginning to lose his hope in humanity through Higgs.

"Really was a long time ago. About a year now? Maybe less." He sighed, watching him, affection swelling in his chest, swallowing it down, afraid the feeling was no longer returned. 

"You're not a kid anymore, huh?"

"Wasn't a kid when you met me, neither, but you sure kept on thinking I was, just cus I don't know my own damn age," he chuckled, feeling like somehow he was exposed, the way Sam looked over him, taking all of him in, that he could see.

Part of him hoped they could have two separate rooms this time, so Sam wouldn't have to see all the new scars, see all the healing bruises.

"But no, I'd reckon I definitely can't be considered a kid anymore. ... _princess_ however," he paused, slipping his mask from his face, breathing out a laugh as he smiled, his cheeks warm pink. "I definitely still accept that title, from you. _Hardass_."

"Well then, princess, lead the way." Sam smiled, stepping to the side and gesturing for Higgs to go ahead. 

"You hungry? We should get something to eat before going to bed. My treat." He offered, hopeful to share a meal with Higgs again. "Well... maybe a shower first would be a good idea."

"Don't get ahead of yourself there Sammy boy - gotta deliver this lost shit," he chuckled, making his way past Sam, letting his hood fall from his head. He activated the terminal and placed the cargo on the belt, sighing when the credits owed to him was far less than it was originally planned to be.

"...fuck," he murmured softly, accepting the credits anyhow.

"Uh, well... haven't eaten anything but protein paste and rice since last time I ate with you, so I'd say I'm at least a bit hungry," he turned, putting on a smile for Sam so he wouldn't have to see his disappointment.

Less than half of what he was supposed to get, because the shit was so late and wasn't in the best condition. Receiver didn't even need it anymore, just like he figured.  
Went through the trouble of dragging it here for damn near nothing!

"Shower would be-"

"I'll be damned! So the word around the distro is true, then! Sam Porter Bridges, as I live and breathe. Welcome to Port Knot City!" Some Bridges uniformed douches approached, putting his hand out for Sam.

Higgs had not missed this bullshit. People seeing Sam and just ignoring that he was fucking here first and was- "trying to fUCKING TALK, THANK YOU."

.... _shit_. From the look on Bridges guy's face, he...he shouted that out loud, didn't he?  
Slipping his mask back on, he pulled his hood back up, walking away from the terminal and towards the entrance to the distro center.

_Fucking spazz. Fucking stupid idiot can't keep your goddamned mouth shut._

Sam looked at the outstretched hand from the man, ignoring it before turning to Higgs. "Hey, where are you going?" He asked, chasing after him. 

"Come on, thought we were gonna eat?" He asked, reaching out and grabbing Higgs' arm. "Don't go?"

"I just... needed to breathe," he murmured quietly, feeling himself tense a moment as Sam grabbed his arm, before melting against him with a heavy sigh. "Fucking tired of being interrupted by these Bridges assholes," he muttered, pulling his hood down a little, trying to hide the shame written in red across of his face.

He let himself relax, taking a few breaths. "...thought you decided we both needed a shower first," he finally said, letting himself look to Sam with a soft smile hidden behind his golden mask.

Sam couldn't see his face, but the look in his eyes told him enough. "Yeah... probably for the best. I'd hate to ruin your appetite with my smell." He rolled his eyes, breathing a laugh, letting go of Higgs' arm before turning to lead the way back to the platform.

"Don't worry about those guys, even if they try to pull my attention away from you, I still know you're there. Remember? I told you not to be jealous, maybe they'd realize you're just as good a porter."

Higgs followed after Sam, his cheeks warmed as they stepped onto the platform and it started to lower.  
The Bridges guy that tried talking to Sam was standing there, watching them disappear down the platform.

With a sigh, Higgs stepped closer to Sam, carefully brushing his hand against Sam's, silently asking for permission to hold it, to feel him there.

"Have you seen me eat? I doubt your damn smell would ruin my appetite."

Sam took Higgs' hand, feeling his heart skip a few beats, shivers going through his skin at the touch. It felt fantastic to have him back. 

"Might ruin mine. And both of us together? Far too stinky. I'm sure no one would bother us if we went like this." He teased, going to the computer to let Higgs see what rooms were available.

"Keep talking like that and I'll say fuck the shower and feed me first, while no one would approach us," he laughed, looking down at himself, remembering only then that he was still splattered with tar and blood.

Yeah, no one would bother him right now, probably.

...but a shower would feel so-

"If we eat first, and then go for a shower, we could just sleep after the shower, right...?" He asked, weighing his options here as he looked through the rooms available.

There was more than one this time, and he wondered absently if Sam wanted his own space or if he wanted Higgs to stay with him.

"Am I being invited to stay with you? I'm not quite sure what you're asking me." Sam asked, hoping Higgs was asking to share the bed with him. 

He couldn't think of anything better than a full stomach, a hot shower, a soft bed, and his little princess to share it with. 

He'd be disappointed if the answer was no. If Higgs didn't want to be in the same bed, didn't want to feel someone next to him right now, he wouldn't push it. 

Either way, he'd be worried the other man would leave again without saying anything.

Biting his lower lip, he could see the hope in Sam's eyes, the anticipation of this answer. If he said no, he was going to crush Sam's heart, he could just tell.

...not that he particularly wanted to say no, anyway.

"If...that's alright with you. I didn't want to assume..." he chewed on his lip, heaving a sigh. "But let's eat first, okay? Pick a room, drop our shit and go eat. Then shower and fall into bed all nice and clean."

"I'd like that..." Sam smiled softly, stepping closer to look. "Whichever one you want." He sighed, leaning against the wall, feeling dead on his feet. 

He hadn't realized how much tension he held in his body, worrying about Higgs and where he might be. Now that he was here, in front of him and relatively safe, he felt all that stress melting off him.

Higgs picked one after a few moments of staring at the screen. When he finally turned to Sam, he couldn't help the smile behind his mask.

"You look like a tired old man, Sammy," he teased gently, offering him his hand so they could head to the room that was now open to them. "Can't go fallin asleep on me just yet. Food, clean and then sleep," he hummed, a flutter in his stomach at the excitement for having real fucking food again.  
Pizza, specifically.

Sam rolled his eyes, gentle smile still in his face. "You sure do know how to make a man feel good about himself." He huffed, shaking his head. 

He felt like a tired old man. His body hurt, his back ached, his feet were sore and he honestly felt so exhausted. Probably more so than he'd ever felt before. 

Maybe it was time for a rebirth... though he hated doing that to himself.

"Just callin it how I sees it Sammy boy. Can't imagine how I look right now. Probably helluva lot worse than you," he shrugged, leading the way to their room, stepping inside before Sam and slipping his pack from his shoulders, putting it in the case to be cleaned of chiral matter.

He stepped over to the mirror next, looking at himself in it.

Grey-blue eyes stared back at him from under the black hood, his makeup a bit smeared and uneven, his mask covering the lower half of his face.  
His clothes, and the small portion of his face exposed under the hood were all spattered in blood and tar. He looked like he had taken a stroll through the depths of Hell and walked back.

...which wasn't far from accurate, really.

Cautiously, he pulled his hood down and slipped off his mask, using water from the sink to splash his face. It cleaned away his smudged makeup and some of the stains as he scrubbed at his face, but doing that just seemed to agitate his skin, making it a bit flushed.

The scar from over his eye, down to about mid cheek glistening in the light, puffy and aggravated. The old scars across his forehead were faint and thin.  
Carefully, he traced a finger down along the scar from that Bridges asshole. The first one he'd given him.

"...look fucking awful..." he muttered to his own reflection, his jaw clenching as that familiar self-hatred settled in.

Sam looked up, having sat down for a moment, turning to Higgs at the sink. 

"I think you look good..." Sam said honestly, watching him look himself over in the mirror. "You look... rough. But still good." He got up, standing behind him in the mirror. 

"This looks like it still hurts. We should clean it and give it a bit of attention later." He offered, wanting to wrap his arms around the thinner man. Just hold him and reassure him that he was still just as beautiful to Sam. If not more so now.

Higgs' grey-blue gaze flickered to Sam's face in the mirror behind him, looking rough and exhausted.  
Had he always looked so tired, or was it just a recent thing? Was it because of the months that had passed since they were together? Was it something else?

"You can clean mine if I get to address yours," he replied, quirking a brow as he stared at Sam in the mirror. He was more than certain Sam's shoulders would have aggravated sores, if not already raw and bleeding.  
Damn fool, not taking care of his damn self.

"After we get some sleep, though. We both need sleep more than first aid."

Sam laughed, shaking his head. "This is why none of your scars heal... lazy." He teased, gently poking him in the ribs before turning away. 

"Alright, let's go eat before I fall asleep at the table."

With a huff, Higgs turned away from the mirror as well, setting his mask on the beside table.

"I am so ready for pizza," he hummed, a glimpse of that young carefree boy in the temporary brightness of his expression. "I have _dreamed_ about eating that damn delicious food stuff again..."

And you.  
I dreamt of you, too.

Sam couldn't help but watch the way Higgs' eyes lit up talking about pizza again. He hoped that light would slowly come back to him. 

He knew it probably wouldn't, but he wanted so badly for things to go well for this man. He wanted to give him good things, but would Higgs want to take? Would he trust him enough to accept whatever love he had to give.

...

**Love?**

Since when was that whatever the fuck this was? He was more delusional than Higgs.

Pausing to look at Sam, Higgs went to the door, feeling a warmth creep up the back of his neck at the way the other man looked at him.

"Hurry up, would you? And quit gawkin at me. Plenty of time to do that after we fill our bellies," he hummed, a sense of excitement bubbling inside of him, for the first time in a while.

_Don't get used to it.  
Once he really comes to terms with what you've done, you'll never eat with him again, and he'll never want to see you again._

Sam rolled his eyes, huffing in mock annoyance. "You just wish I was gawking, princess." He accused, following Higgs out. The way he'd walked, he'd been to Port Knot before, but he'd actually never been this far West before. 

"Let's just hope I can still eat after watching you eat. I swear, you eat like a 7 year old that was allowed to choose what he wanted without limits."

"Guess that's what happened when you lived off protein paste, them stupid bars, and occasionally rice. Other foods are amazing to me. Never had any of it before, and I only get to try that shit when I'm with you, it seems," he shrugged, walking close to Sam.

The hairs on the back of his neck pricked, a voice calling out to him, but somehow he knew it wasn't a voice from a physical person. It sounded far and faint and feminine. But it called to him...  
Confused, and a bit concerned that maybe his not sleeping was actually really getting to him, Higgs grabbed Sam's hand, not giving a shit if people saw as they made their way into the food court area.  
It wasn't much different than at Central Knot, so Higgs dragged Sam towards were the pizza was, only wanting specifically that, this time. He wanted sweets, but knew they wouldn't allow for him to sleep.

Sam felt his heart pick up, holding Higgs' hand even when they got to the eating area, until they separated to set up their plates. 

Sam was a bit good, getting himself foods he knew his body needed, taking something sweet when he say Higgs hadn't. He could share. 

"Something the matter? I understand you don't want to be around anyone that works for Bridges right now... but they don't matter, yeah?" Sam reassured, watching him across the table as he started at his own food. "You're the only one here that really matters to me. If you can, pretend they're not even here and I'll ignore them too."

He couldn't tell Sam about the voice. Couldn't, or wouldn't, it didn't matter because it all ended out the same - him, being quiet and not saying anything about it out loud.

Sam surely already thought he was fucking crazy, he didn't need to give him further reason to think that.

"Hm? I'm just... it's hard not to think about it when all these people are wearing the uniform he was wearing," he murmured, deciding it was easier to talk about that, than the voice.

He started eating his pizza, one handed, his other hand digging his nails into his own thigh.

"I never fucking trusted any of them really, but now...I don't know. It's just that much harder, I guess."

Sam placed his hand on the table, palm up, waiting for Higgs to take it with his free hand. It was a bit of a risk, not knowing if he'd want to be seen like that among members of Bridges. 

He didn't really care. He'd rather hold his hand in public for everyone to see than have him feel alone. 

"Should I wear a different suit?" He asked curiously, knowing, even though he didn't work for Bridges, he still wore a similar suit when making his deliveries.

With only a slight hesitation, Higgs pulled his claws from his own leg to take Sam's hand in his.  
On top of the table.  
Where any- and everyone could see.

It felt nice, actually, despite the slight nag of anxiety in the back of his head.

"You got another suit?" Higgs asked, surprised Sam was even considering... "Cus if you don't, that's fine. But I mean... if you do..." he shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant, but it would mean a lot to him.

It already meant a lot that Sam was offering to change a habit of his, an article of clothing of his every day use, just to help make Higgs feel less uncomfortable.

...he was a beautiful man. A kind and wonderful man.

He shook his head and shrugged. "No. But it might be time for me to get a new one anyway. Maybe replace the clothes I wear underneath too." He hummed in thought, mindlessly rubbing his thumb along the side of Higgs' hand. 

"You made your clothes, right? Maybe you could make me a suit?" He asked, wondering if that would be too big a task to expect from someone.

"I could try to make something for you, sure. But it would take a little while, and I'd have to figure out what to do about supplies for it," he hummed, relaxing as he ate, though his eyes held so much light, so much excitement.

It felt so good to have Sam's hand in his, so good to feel that warmth in his chest and his cheeks.

"I can get you whatever you need." Sam reassured, enjoying the way Higgs was seeming to warm up. 

A project like this at least promised he'd see him again.

"Well, if you can get whatever, then I can make you something no problem. It'll still take time, though. ...but if I make you something a bit more simple than what I've got, then it shouldn't take as long as my stuff did..." he hummed, shoving another slice of pizza in his mouth.

He was on at least his fourth slice now, but he seemed to actually be enjoying himself. That disheartened look he wore on his face when Sam had found him was slowly melting away to reveal that light that he used to radiate.

"You gotta promise me, it won't be a cape. Please don't put me in a cape. I really like you, but that could all change so quick." Sam looked him in the eyes, practically begging, not wanting to be put in something ridiculous. 

He watched him eat, playing attention to him now, knowing that much food was going to lead to a stomach ache. He felt his body heat up at the secret hope Higgs would let him rub his belly later. 

Anything that he might possibly do to make Higgs feel good left a tingling feeling in his thighs.

Higgs laughed, shaking his head. "No capes, I promise. After all, only I have the guts to wear something as flamboyant and excessive as all this," he teased, using Sam's words against him as he finished the food on his plate.

He heaved a sigh, letting his eyes slip close a moment as he squeezed Sam's hand. "You ready to go get clean, or do you want to sit a moment more?"

Sam let out a yawn, shaking his head. "Let's head back." He agreed, letting go of Higgs' hand just a moment to get himself up before grabbing it again, cleaning up their mess with his free hand.

The young man would have complained about Sam releasing his hand, had he not almost immediately taken it again upon getting up. His chest warmed at that, a smile tugging at his lips.

"You're not gonna fall asleep in the shower, are you?" He asked, chuckling softly.

"You might have to keep me awake." Sam hummed, a warm feeling in his chest. "Or at least lean me against the wall, because if I fall, I'll kill us both." He laughed, following him back to the room. 

He could feel his excitement settling in his chest, his heart thawing after being away from him so long. Would they be showering together?

Is he going to feel comfortable being naked around another person again? Sam wanted to touch and hold, but wouldn't if he seemed uncomfortable. Maybe he should keep his hands to himself and let Higgs take the steps.

The whole walk back, Higgs kept wondering to himself if Sam was going to want to shower together. If Sam would even want to see him naked again, with all the awful marks across his body now. Across his chest, along his belly, down his back, his thighs...

He was a hideous thing now, and Sam would get one look at that and he would-  
...what would he do? It was Sam. Sam, the man with the kindest heart Higgs had ever met. Sam, with the most gentle hands, despite the slight roughness of his skin, the calluses from holding onto his pack in rough terrain. Sam, with his soft words that made Higgs feel so special and so warm.

"Well, if I'm supposed to be keeping you awake so you don't just fucking fall, we ought to shower together. Is that... is that okay with you?" He asked, finally breaking the quiet that had fallen while they walked, while he lost himself in his own loud head.

Sam breathed a relieved laugh, letting himself smile. "I really was hoping you'd ask. Maybe I'll trade off and wash your back for you." He offered, taking any excuse to touch again.

It was confusing. He was usually so repulsed by the idea of touching anyone, couldn't even stand a handshake. But here he was, skin feeling like it would burn if it didn't feel Higgs' hands on him. 

He wanted to be close to him, wanted him to hold. He wondered if maybe he was touch starved, having not been able to receive any affection or make connections since as long as he could remember. 

But still, it wasn't quite sexual just yet, or if it was Sam just didn't know. He just wanted to feel that heat on his skin and the way his heart raced. He wanted to see those beautiful gray blue eyes looking into his with just the same desperation he felt. He wanted a better version of what they had before.

Higgs let a huff of air through his nose, like a sort of laugh as he looked to Sam. "I was thinking about it this whole walk..." he admitted softly, letting out a sigh as they stepped into the private room together, Higgs being the one to lock the door behind them this time.  
"I was... scared, to have you see me like that again, because a lot has happened, but... I remembered that it's you, and even if I feel..." he bit the inside of his cheek, thinking the words 'hideous', 'broken', and 'unlovable', "...you've never made me feel less than, because of the marks on my skin."

He really hoped Sam wasn't going to start now, but he was putting his faith in the man.

So it was with that faith in his heart that he stepped towards the shower and shed his layers, putting his clothes in case to be cleaned as well. Standing naked in the harsh lighting of the private room, every scar and every still healing bruise showed vividly, nowhere to hide under these conditions.

Sam watched Higgs undress, revealing new abused skin with every article he lost. He felt his heart drop and stomach lurch. How could someone do this? What the fuck was wrong with people that they would do this to someone so...

He felt that anger flare up a moment before taking a deep breath. He took off his own clothes, making things even, stepping closer to Higgs, his eyes softening as he did so.

"Can I...?" He asked, voice barely above a whisper, the backs of his fingers lingering just a breaths distance away from pronounced black and purple ribs.

Higgs squeezed his eyes closed before nodding, ready for bursts of pain to travel along his nerves when Sam's fingers touched sore ribs.

Despite knowing Sam didn't see him the same way as he saw himself, Higgs couldn't help the feeling of wanting to shy away, to cover himself up again and hide. He was awful and he hated it, hated himself. It was his own fault that shit like this kept happening, had to be. There was no other explanation for it, otherwise.

Sam kept his touches feather light, staying away from the bruises when he could, trailing his fingers up from Higgs' belly button to his chin, gently cupping his face and running his thumb along the side of the scar under his eye. 

"You're safe now. You'll heal, and you'll be even more beautiful than before." He whispered, watching his face with soft eyes. "No matter what horrible, unspeakable memories each scar brings up, they're proof that you got through it and are stronger than before." He whispered, learning their foreheads together. "I think that's... I think you're pretty incredible..."

Each gentle touch sent a shiver through his body, not of pain but of something far closer to pleasurable. When Sam finally reached his face with his gentle touches, Higgs' eyes were welling with his dark tears, watching the other man.

His words were like a balm against all of his wounds, physical, mental, and emotional. It didn't fix them completely, or immediately, but it was a start. A warmth bubbled in his chest as he let black tears slip down his cheeks, his breathing stuttering slightly as he let himself cry, leaned against Sam, feeling safe again.

He couldn't bring himself to speak, to thank Sam for everything he was doing, intentionally or otherwise. Couldn't bring himself to argue with Sam, or tease him about being blind again like he had so many times before already.  
He stayed quiet, save for his soft sobs, finally able to let himself be vulnerable and open, because he knew Sam would not hurt him for it.

After a few moments of standing there together like that, Higgs was able to breathe, actually breathe. Whatever odd weight had rested itself in his body had released and he found himself laying gentle ghosting touches against Sam's skin.

"You're pretty incredible too, Sammy..."

Sam felt his skin tingle at the soft touches, little shocks bouncing around his chest, straight to his heart. 

It was so refreshing after the ache he felt, holding Higgs, rocking him gently while he cried. He just wished there was more he could do for him. Some way to take the pain away, put some of it on his own back to carry around for a while so his beautiful little princess didn't have to. 

"Let's get you cleaned up. Then we can get in bed and sleep for a couple days."

Wiping at his face with the back of his hand, Higgs nodded, taking a shuddering breath. It felt so good to cry where he was safe, with Sam. It released tensions in his body he didn't even realize he had been holding in.

Allowing Sam to guide him into the shower and under the water, Higgs let the warm water wash away the black tar of his tears, and the blood and tar across the rest of his body.  
Taking this private moment, he let himself look over Sam's body instead of his own.

Had he gained more muscle in those days apart? Probably meant he had stubbornly _not_ used a cargo carrier and had taken quite a few larger orders. He'd have to remember to kick Sam's ass for that sometime later, as previously promised. Moving past that, he noticed the angry marks on his shoulders from where his pack's straps dug into his skin - they definitely looked painful...  
Sam's hair was longer now, hanging in his face a bit, and Higgs wondered if he would ever agree to having it tied back. It would probably look rather nice, with the added bonus of being out of his face.

His cheeks warmed when he realized he had been staring for a bit, without saying anything.

"Like what you see? Or are you realizing that I'm really that ugly?" Sam teased, watching Higgs come back to himself. 

He'd cleaned the other man, careful to not press too hard in fear of hurting him. Once the gunk and grime was clear, Higgs looked a little better. Still battered, but a little softer. A little more himself. 

"What's bothering you?"

"I... was just thinking. ...and looking at you," he murmured, cheeks warm still. "You didn't take care of your shoulders while I was gone, did you? Didn't use a cargo carrier like I told you to," he huffed, trying to sound upset or angry, but instead he just sounded like a pouty child.

"Your shoulders look painful, and you've gained muscle mass since last I saw you..." the warmth boiled even more, realizing what he'd said and what it meant.  
He'd noticed the even slight change in Sam's muscle mass, because he stared at the other man far too much.

Clearing his throat, he added, "And your hair is longer. I could teach you how to tie it back if you want, so it isn't always in your face."

He hadn't even realized Sam had cleaned him off, having been too busy just looking at Sam, lost in his own head.

"You want to do my hair? Does it look bad?" Sam asked, playful look on his face. He felt relaxed, probably looked less like shit, but was still just as tired. 

"I'll let you in the morning." He agreed, reaching out to run his fingers along Higgs' cheek again. "Let's go to bed. You can yell at me and fix my hair tomorrow."

With a soft smile, Higgs nodded, leaning into Sam's gentle touch.

The shower dried them off before opening the doors to release them, and Higgs stumbled directly to the bed, falling into it. He rolled over to give Sam room, a yawn stretching his jaw, popping in places.

It made him think of how much his jaw had been stretched while he was-

Shaking his head, he blocked out the thoughts, the memories, not wanting to think about any of it. Just sleep.  
When Sam joined him in the not overly small bed, he scooted himself close to the other man, curling against him.

"Thank you, Sam..."

Sam wrapped his arm around Higgs, feeling like he was finally waking up from a nightmare. It felt so good to have him back, almost not sure if it was real. 

"Promise you'll be here in the morning?" He whispered, terrified he'd wake up alone again. That it was all a dream and he'd have to get up and deal with whatever any of this meant without Higgs.

"I'll be here, I promise," he whispered, burrowing himself against Sam as he drifted quickly into the first restful sleep he'd gotten in what felt like ages.

Safe in Sam's arms, nothing could get to him, nothing could hurt him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sexy times in a private room, confessions, craters, and Fragile Express

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ready for a bit more sexy fun times for our boys?
> 
> cus Higgs isn't, but here we go anyway!

Higgs wasn't sure how long he slept, but when he did eventually wake up, he felt the most rested he'd felt probably ever. He stretched out like a cat, his mouth stretching in a yawn.  
"Sam?"

Sam stirred at the sound of his name, stretching before slowly opening his eyes to turn and look at Higgs. 

"Good morning, princess... sleep well?" He asked, voice low and rough from not being used. He realized he didn't talk much before Higgs. Maybe to himself and light conversation with the members of Bridges, but other than that what did he have to say?

Higgs brought something out in him. Some sort of warmth and light, attention and attraction. What made him so special?

A soft purr rumbled from the younger man, making him come across as even more catlike.

"I missed that," he hummed, his own voice a little rough from sleep as well. "And, yes. I slept very well. Best I've slept in a damn age..." he added, curling himself against Sam again, resting his head against Sam's chest to listen to his heart.

"Did you sleep alright?"

Sam wrapped his arms around Higgs, letting his fingers run through his hair. "Slept perfect. Like I haven't in a long time." He hummed, basking in the warmth and weight of him on his chest.

Sam's heartbeat was a soothing sound and it had Higgs drifting again, despite the long rest they had already had. According to his quick glance to the clock in their private room, it had already been a full day.

A full fucking day, they'd slept together, passed the fuck out from sheer exhaustion.

...what a great way to spend a day, honestly.

"How long we gonna stay?"

"Don't wanna get up yet...." Sam sighed, holding Higgs to him just a little tighter. "Want to stay here, just like this..." he smiled, letting his eyes close again. 

He didn't want to have to go back out and deal with the world. He wanted this to be his world now. 

It finally made sense how some people could just live in their bunkers, letting other people do the hard work for them.

Higgs chuckled, rolling his eyes a bit as he burrowed against Sam again, breathing him in.  
He smelled of Bridges soap, from their shower, but past that, there was the smell of the earth, of wet ground, of mountain air. Sam smelled like stepping out of his Daddy's bunker for the first time.

"Gonna retire early and find us a bunker somewhere, Hardass? Or we just gonna stay in this private room forever?" He chuckled, not overly minding the idea of spending a while in Sam's arms.

...but he never wanted to be caged in forever again.

"You really think either of us could live in a bunker together? We'd kill each other several times over." Sam laughed, rolling them both, taking his turn to bury his face into Higgs' chest.

Higgs huffed, gently whacking the back of Sam's head, soothing it afterwards by rubbing at his head, playing with his slightly long hair.

"I wouldn't let you keep me underground forever, anyway. I never want to be kept in a bunker without being able to be free again..." he breathed, a tension in his voice, despite the smooth motion of his hand through Sam's hair.  
"I'm sorry... that's nothing against you, I hope you know..."

Sam sat up, partially crushing Higgs to look him in the face. "I would never keep you anywhere. I'd never expect to keep you in once place." He said seriously, knowing he could never tie Higgs or anyone else down. 

How could he expect someone to stay in one place when he hardly could. 

"I don't even bet on us staying and working together for long. I just hope you say goodbye to me before we part ways this time."

The younger man gasped for a breath, biting his lip as he looked up at the serious expression on Sam's face, in his eyes.

"Oh you-"

_He doesn't want you. Stop fooling yourself, you stupid punk kid. Why would he give up any part of his life for you? You broke his trust, you abandoned him._

"...I'll say goodbye, this time. I promised, after-all," he murmured, his voice breathy from the pressure Sam was pushing down on him.

"Good. Just not anytime soon, alright?" Sam sighed, letting himself back down, resting his face in the crook of Higgs' neck. 

"Spent too damn long without you. You've changed me somehow... I don't want to go back to that guy I was before. Not when I like who I am when I'm with you..."

All the negative thoughts that had flooded Higgs' mind stopped, his heart skipping as well.

Despite everything, Sam liked being around him, with him. The time they were apart had been too long, which must mean, on some level, that Sam preferred their time together.

Higgs felt tears welling in his eyes again as he wrapped an arm around Sam to bury in his hair, the other wrapping around his broad shoulders to hold him close.

"A short forever," he whispered softly, nuzzling his nose against Sam's jaw. "That's what we'll spend together. Short forevers. Before going back to work and waiting for work to bring us back together again."

He hummed happily, pushing a soft kiss to his neck. "I'll always look for an excuse to find where you are." He teased lightly, just pressing his lips to his skin, feeling the way his heart beat. 

"At least theres another good reason for your ridiculous- I mean, _unique_ outfit." He smirked against him, waiting to get hit upside the head again.

A quiet gasp from the kiss to his neck quickly morphed into a soft growl in Higgs' throat as he did precisely what Sam expected - smacked him upside the back of his head.

"My outfit is _not_ ridiculous! _Rude_!" He huffed, but there was a hint of laughter to his voice, a smile. "It's my _aesthetic_ , and it's way better than me running around in that stupid, plain porter getup."

...he'd probably get into at least a bit less of trouble if he wore the stupid, plain porter getup instead of his handmade stuff, though...

"Sure... everyone has to have a brand if you want to make it out here." Sam teased lightly, few more kisses to his neck, just to work him up a bit. 

"Maybe you could work for that delivery company that appreciates a flair for the... aesthetic. If that's what the kids are calling it." He laughed, knowing he was about to receive far worse than being hit.

It was a mild form of torture, Sam kissing his overly sensitive neck and then saying stupid things with that teasing voice of his. Higgs' heart couldn't take the back and forth, so he leaned up and bit hard against Sam's clavicle, growling softly.

"Ain't no fucking kid anymore, Sammy. And I ain't gonna work for Fragile _fucking_ Express. I'd rather lose my damn mind than be tied up to some big wig. Freelancing does me just fine, gets me by. Keeps me movin," he huffed against the bite mark, gently running the tip of his tongue over it, tasting Sam.

"Ow!" Sam jumped, smacking Higgs' arm a little on impulse. "That... damn your teeth are sharp... probably gave me rabies or some shit." He huffed, still a humor to his voice. 

He wasn't about to admit that he may have liked that. He'd never hear the end of it.

"And come on, I freelance but work for Bridges. Big companies help you get the big ticket jobs. And I know you're not about to work for Bridges."

Absently, Higgs flicked his tongue against his teeth, idly wondering if they were any sharper than other people's teeth. He couldn't imagine they were... were they?  
He tapped the tip of his tongue against one of his canine teeth, the sting of it making him shiver, which he hid by shrugging.

"Oh hush, I ain't got rabies you jerk," he rolled his eyes, waving off Sam's other comment as well. "Fuck Bridges, and fuck Fragile Express, too. All them rules and regulations. Just not for me. What do they have that I can't just get by working my ass off freelance?"

"Private contracts." Sam teased, using the distraction to go for Higgs' neck again. He bit at him gently, not having the stomach to actually hurt him.

The feeling of Sam's teeth against the sensitive skin of his neck made Higgs moan, unable to hold it back since he wasn't exactly expecting it. His cheeks flushed a deep red, the warm color flooding up his ears and down his neck a bit.

"P-Private contracts, huh?" He breathed, his voice shaky and a bit higher pitched than usual.

Sam grinned at the reaction, looking up at him, his head resting on Higgs' shoulder. "Yeah... private contracts. Like how I'm given jobs specifically for me." He explained, dragging his teeth along his collar bone as punctuation, wondering if he'd get the same reaction.

Higgs' body tensed as pleasure flooded his brain. His eyes slipped closed and his lips parted, this time a quiet whimper passing his quivering lips, his heart pounding.  
"S-So?" He breathed, after letting his heart slow a little, catching his breath. "What's so special about private contracts? You get guaranteed work, then, or something?"

Sam hid his look of amusement against Higgs' neck. "Yeah. Guaranteed work. Allows people to request a specific porter. There's other benefits too." He explained, pushing a kiss to his heated skin between words.

Sam felt the fluttering start on his heart, the joy of hearing his boy enjoying himself again. He bit down a little harder this time in his excitement. 

"This okay?" He asked, looking up at him, willing to stop. He understood that Higgs might not be in the best mindset for something like this right now...

Had he even kissed Higgs yet? Like, _properly_ , on the lips? He was sure it wouldn't get this kind of response out of him, but he'd like to try. 

He just loved when that fog would fall over his eyes. His mind seeming distant and somewhere all together pleasant. He liked how soft and pplianthe seemed after, body limp and relaxed. 

Higgs held himself too tightly. Had far too many things stressing him out, keeping him here to suffer. He liked pulling him out of his head and pushing his problems away, if only for a moment.

God, it was getting difficult to think, to even try to keep this line of fucking questions going. A part of Higgs was quickly realizing that perhaps that was very much Sam's point here but-

His teeth sank into his skin again and he did what he could to hold back the moan that erupted from his body by biting his lip, only it didn't help much at all.

"Y-Yes it's- nnn..." he shuddered, feeling a pooling of warmth in his abdomen as he nodded a few times before tilting his head to one side, giving Sam better access to his neck.  
"More than okay," he breathed, his voice trembling and breathy.

They were talking about something, though. Work.  
 _Fucking work._

...what was it?

"...other benefits? For...for private contracts or... or something?" He murmured, biting the inside of his cheek, unconsciously wriggling his hips beneath Sam.

He was so small compared to Sam, despite the growth spurt he had evidently gone through. Height did nothing when he was practically a twig and Sam was this big muscular monster of a man.

...what a change, from their first time laying together. Sam seemed more sure of himself, now. Had he... had he been with someone in the meantime? While Higgs had been-

Sam latched on to the skin Higgs exposed to him, sucking kisses onto his neck like he'd seen people do in his teen years.

He hummed in agreement. "Yeah, and sometimes they give you the supplies you need for a trip at no cost." He explained, a glimmer of amusement in his eyes, listening to those sounds he made. 

Sam had always thought his lack of physical or sexual desire was a curse. Something that made him less than the people around him. The way they had made him feel as if he were broken. 

He always figured it was for the best. No distractions from work. Now he considered it a good quality of his. Able to keep a line of thought while Higgs was falling apart, a moaning, trembling mess. He'd be able to focus all his attention on the task at hand, and right now, the task was to get that worried, doubtful expression off his princess's face.

The thoughts he had been having quickly dissolved in his mind, overrun by the heat of pleasure bubbling inside of him. Soft whimpers and breathy moans escaped him, not even attempting to hide them anymore as he squirmed, pressing his thighs together.

A particularly painful suckling kiss to his neck had Higgs digging his fingernails into the muscles of Sam's back, his own back arching slightly, pressing himself up and closer to Sam.

"You...you ahhhh- you really think it would be a good ideahhhhh~ for me to nnn... to join up with Fragile Expresssss?"

Speech was difficult, especially when his brain was mostly fogged with the heat of pleasure coursing through the rest of his body, but he was still managing it for the time being.

"Mhmm..." he hummed, dragging his teeth along his collar bone now, angling himself up and moving himself lower, down his chest.

"Sure. Couldn't. Hurt. To. Figure. Out. What. Benefits. They. Offer." A kiss between words, trailing down his chest and moving lower, stopping at his belly. His own has a cross shaped scar where Higgs' seemed to be one of the places he had the fewest scars. 

He looked up at him, seeing the way the pink in his skin spread across his cheeks and down his chest.

Each kiss lower had Higgs' heart stuttering frantically in his chest, soft panting whimpers passing his lips as he wriggled a bit more, chewing his lip now.

He could feel Sam's eyes on him, so he peeked open his own, meeting Sam's gaze. His pupils were blown wide, and for some reason, seeing that made Higgs gasp, his body growing impossibly warmer.

It was unclear whether or not Sam could be... aroused, still, but there was definitely his own brand of arousal in the heat of his look. Higgs could tell, Sam loved seeing him this way.  
Wriggling and squirming, making lewd noises as his heart thrummed and his brain stopped functioning properly.

"If I agree to at least talk to them, will you be happy?"

"I think I'd like that." Sam agreed with a smile, watching Higgs look at him. 

He wondered what he looked like like this. Did he look any different? Were his cheeks flushed and eyes dark too? He felt warm, that much he knew, and he could feel the beginnings of thoughts slipping away from him. Was he even half as beautiful as him?

He made his way to his hip bone, dragging his teeth along where it pressed against his skin, biting down and following up with soft kisses before moving to the other one before teasing lower.

It wasn't fair - didn't Sam know what that look did to Higgs' heart?  
Probably not, because Higgs didn't actually know that those usually light eyes gone dark would send his heart beating like crazy. That look made him feel like he was the only one in the fucking world, just him and Sam.  
Higgs let his eyes slip closed again as his back arched, throwing his hands above his head on the bed, pulling at his own hair slightly as gasping moans passed his lips.

"When'd you... get so good at this shit, Sammy?" He breathed, his voice trembling as his legs were beneath Sam.  
Each kiss was electric, and the feeling of Sam's teeth against his skin set fire to his entire body. At this rate, he felt like he might explode and he wouldn't even mind so much.

"I've just had a lot of time to think about what I'd do to convince you stay this time..." Sam smirked, pressing a kiss to his lower abdomen, looking up at him pulling his own hair and making a mental note to do that next time. 

"Think this will do it, princess?" He asked, running his hands up Higgs' thighs. He pushed a soft kiss to the tip of Higgs' - could this part if someone's body be cute? - cock before wrapping his lips around it.

His eyes fell shut and he hummed, the sound Higgs made sending shivers through his own body.

A soft pleasured sob pulled from his throat as the warm wet of Sam's mouth wrapped around the head of his cock, a shiver going through his body again.

"D-Dummy... I was already going to stay-ahhnnn... this is just the ch-cherry on top~" he purred, his hand not buried in his own hair going to his chest, clawing at himself desperately. "Careful I- nnnn, fuck, Sammy~ I can't... Can't hold out too long...!"

Sam watched as Higgs fell apart, pulling away from him to grab his hand, placing it in his hair before swallowing him down again. 

He did his best not to gag himself, taking what he could. He let out a moan at that look on his face, knowing he'd be lost any moment now.

Throwing his head back again, Higgs tugged lightly on Sam's hair as he felt the swell of his pleasure rising to a point of no return.

...and then Sam moaned around him, the vibrations of it sending him over that edge, crying out moans as he tugged his own hair and Sam's.

"Sam! Oh! F-Fuck!"

Sam felt his eyes flutter shut at the tug of his hair, nails digging into Higgs' thigh. He coughed, not able to swallow everything, pulling away and letting the other man make a mess of his face. 

Once Higgs fell back onto the bed, panting and making little noises, Sam sat up, just to look what he'd done to him.

Higgs whimpered and squirmed on the bed, moving his hand from his own hair to gripping the bed beneath him, body still trembling.

His body was so warm, and the splatters of his own mess burned against his skin. Taking a few steadying breaths, he let his eyelids flutter open so he could look up at Sam-

"...made a mess of you, Sammy," he damn near purred, a tired grin tugging one corner of his lips.

Sam breathed a laugh, reaching up to touch his face. "Something tells me you're not too bothered by that?" He asked, throat a little rough from his effort.

His cheeks warmed as he huffed a soft, tired laugh, running a hand through his own hair before letting both of his hands rest above his head.

He was a mess, sprawled out on their bed as he was, and Sam was a mess because of him. It was a pretty sight, actually, as embarrassing as it was to see his own fluids sticky on Sam's face.

"S'a good look on you, Hardass," he hummed, teasing. "But I bet I could pull it off better."

Sam breathed a laugh, kind of liking that idea, enjoying the thought of making a mess of his pretty boy. 

His smile faded, the idea of touching himself pulling any enjoyment and the moderate arousal his body had achieved gone at the thought. He looked down, wanting to pull the blanket around himself. 

"I should go wash my face..." voice quiet and lips pulling at the corners, he got up, moving ti the sink.

It was like flipping a switch - one moment Sam seemed to enjoy the idea that Higgs posed offhandedly, and the next he looked as though Higgs had offered to feed him to some BTs.  
All the warmth that had been in his eyes, in his face, vanished quicker than it took to blink and Higgs was left a bit confused and numb inside.

Had he done something wrong?  
Should he not have said anything?  
Had he pushed too far...?

Carefully, and on wobbling legs, Higgs pushed himself from the bed to wander over to where Sam was at the sink.

"Sam...did I say something wrong? If you... if you don't want me to do anything, you know I won't..." he murmured quietly, biting the inside of his cheek again.

He felt suddenly like he was becoming the monsters that he killed.  
He had upset Sam, stolen the joy right off of his face.

Sam chewed the inside of his cheek, forcing back tears of frustration. "I don't know what I want... I know you wouldn't... but I'd want you..." he took a deep, steadying breath.

He knew how important sex was to most people, just never thought he'd be put in this situation. He had different thoughts of intimacy, and Higgs had satisfied those needs. 

"I just feel like shit disappointing you. I don't know if I can do what you want me to."

"Sam, shut the fuck up," he shook his head, carefully approaching the other man, being cautious and slow in his movements as he reached up to hold Sam's face in his hands.

"You couldn't even dream of disappointing me. Don't know where you got that idea from, but get it gone because I mean, you're not a touchy guy, you told me from the beginning... but you literally just-" his cheeks warmed and he rolled his tongue, clicking it as he breathed a laugh, embarrassed.

Lowering his head, still holding Sam's face, Higgs took a breath, focusing himself before looking up again. "Listen, I don't want anything specific from you. You just fuckin being here and being the spontaneous being that you are is fine by me. And if you want to go anywhere with any of this, I'm fine with baby steps."

Sam relaxed, pulling Higgs to him. "Sorry to ruin your moment..." he whispered, just happy to hold him close. 

"You... it might not be the same, but you make me feel like no one else has." He whispered, looking him in the eyes. 

"And if its going to be anyone, I'll want it to be you."

"You didn't ruin my moment sugar, hush," he hummed softly, brushing hair out of the other man's face, searching his eyes carefully. "Anyway...I think I'm falling in love with you, Sam..." he added in a quiet voice, dropping his gaze.

He didn't really know what love was, or how it felt, but this bubbly warm feeling that he got whenever he was with Sam must be it, right? This safe feeling he had deep within him whenever he was around Sam, that was love too, wasn't it?  
Wanting to just be with him, whether or not he wanted, was interested in, or was willing to have sex was beside the point.

Higgs knew well enough how to fix things himself, he could live if Sam couldn't do sexual things with him, that was in no way a deal breaker for him.

Sam felt his heart skip, the traitorous organ feeling like it jumped up, finding a way into his throat. He swallowed, feeling his eyes water again. 

"Really?" He asked, a soft smile growing on his face, searching those slate blue eyes for answers. Any hint of a doubt. 

"I think I might be falling for you, too... I was thinking about it last night." He felt his breath holding in his chest. The room felt quiet except for the sound of Higgs' breath, the electric feeling of his hands on his skin... it didn't matter if suddenly nothing else existed around them.

Waiting to hear it again, the confirmation of feelings returned, felt like spending an eternity in the Seam. He knew Higgs was the only one he trusted with the care of his heart, his body, his soul.

"I don't really know what love is, don't know what it's supposed to feel like... but... it has to be this, because I've never felt what I feel with you, before. Never looked forward to just being around someone before," he paused, chewing the inside of his cheek, feeling the burst of iron from biting at it too much.

"...when I was stuck with that Bridges guy, thinking about you was the thing that kept me looking for openings, for ways out. I wondered if you would be angry with me for leaving, angry with me for being a fuckin idiot and gettin caught, sold off like a pair of fuckin boots..."

If this wasn't love by other people's definitions, then he didn't care. This was his definition of love: Sam.

"I want to keep falling. I want to love you and fuckin drown in that feeling, cus it's the best feeling I've ever felt."

There wasn't anything more Sam wanted or needed to hear. Just like that and he was sated, completely head over heels and just so sure that he felt exactly the same. 

"I can't stay angry at you. I've never wanted to be around anyone before in my life, but I swear, anyone I saw in the distance set my heart racing, hoping it was you... I felt like an idot. But now I know we're just both idiots." He let himself smile, rocking slightly.

He felt like he could burst. He didn't know he could feel so happy and complete.

"Big fuckin idiots," he hummed in agreement, looking to Sam's face.

He was beautiful like this, truly. His eyes held this light that Higgs only caught flickers of in them before, but now... full raging flame.

"I love you, Sam Porter Bridges."

It felt so freeing to say it, outloud.

"I love you too, Higgs Monaghan." Sam hummed, taking his hands and holding them in his. 

He let himself look Higgs over, seeing a youth in him that wasn't there before. It was as if there was something on his chest that had been lifted off. He looked warm, happy... and if he was willing to admit it, he didn't hold that anxious searching look his eyes always seemed to hide. 

He looked as if he was free. 

Sam felt the same. Connecting to someone like this felt so much like finally becoming whole.

Two more days they spent together in the private room, enjoying each others company, eating together, doing other things together, but most importantly, catching up on so much lost sleep.  
By the time they got geared up to take on orders to leave Port Knot, Higgs' wounds - both physical and mental/emotional - were far more on their way to being healed. Sam's shoulders were doing better too, thanks to the insistence of Higgs to take care of them and rest them while they were together.

Standing at the terminal, Higgs picked up a couple orders going to the same place, taking the cargo from the belt and loading up his pack.

"I swear to fuck if you take on anything too heavy, you damn well better fabricate yourself a cargo carrier, or so help me, Sammy..."

"What's your definition of too heavy? Bigger than you?" Sam smirked, taking on a large order anyway. 

It wasn't far that he'd have to carry it, and it wasn't even all that heavy. Just bulky. Just enough to piss him off.

Higgs narrowed his eyes, clenching his jaw. "You're going to drive me up a wall, Sam," he huffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

He had his cape back on, now cleaned of blood and tar. His mask was safely secured to his pack, because Sam wasn't particularly a fan of the way it hid part of his face.

"Humor me, just this once? Use a fuckin carrier?"

"Fine. Just this once." He huffed, going back to the terminal to make a carrier, also picking up another order. 

"But its only because you've been spoiling me and I'll have to get back into it." He smiled, having loved every moment of it. 

Hell, maybe an early retirement didn't sound so bad after all.

"If we take another short break at the next Knot city, I can have that outfit finished for you," he hummed, sticking his tongue out at Sam's back as he got his cargo all situated between his pack and his floating carrier.

Cheeky bastard took on an extra order while he was at it, too, like Higgs wouldn't notice.

"You're a pain in my ass," he grumbled, stepping over to check over Sam's things, wanting to make sure the straps of his pack weren't digging in too badly.  
"Let's go before I change my mind. Or before your cheeky Hardass takes on yet another order."

Sam smiled at him like a bratty little child, rather proud of himself. "I'm fine, you don't need to fuss over me." He sighed, thought he would be rather disappointed if he hadn't.

"You like seeing me carrying the big orders and you know it." He teased, attaching his carrier before holding his hand out for Higgs to take.

Higgs' cheeks flushed and he rolled his eyes, taking Sam's hand in his own. "Seeing you carry all that shit without breaking a damn sweat leaves me in awe of you, Sam," he hummed honestly, giving the other man's hand a gentle squeeze.  
"But I also care a lot about you and don't want you pushing yourself too far when you don't need to be. When you have the means to not have to push yourself too hard."

Sam really couldn't help but enjoy the consideration. Usually people piled him high and asked if he could maybe take this too. Your hands are still free. 

He pulled his hand to his face, pressing a kiss to the back of it as he lead the way out of the city and started heading to their destination. 

"You're going to make me lazy." He smiled at him, still in that hazy high of being in love. 

He knew that he was being a little difficult, but someone caring about him personally was going to take some adjusting. 

"So how long do you think we'll go before we run out of things to talk about?"

"Taking it easy every now and then doesn't make you lazy, you ass, it makes it so you can keep doing this job for longer without tiring yourself out," he chuckled, keeping pace with Sam easily, even though Sam still had some height on him.

"Who says we gotta talk the whole time we're going? There's plenty of shit to talk about, it's just it doesn't all have to be talked about," he added, thinking about the voice that he heard sometimes, or the lives that he took and how fucking good it felt to get that kind of revenge on people that did him wrong. How he didn't care if there was a void out because of what he did.

...he didn't think he would ever _choose_ to talk about any of those things, but they were certainly options.

"Good. I think I've done enough feelings talk for the next few months." Sam said, a gruff tone but he still wore that soft smile. 

Companionable silence is how Sam lived his life. He'd be more than happy to listen to whatever Higgs might possibly want to talk about, but he could live without saying much.

They walked in companionable silence for a while, holding hands still, and Higgs making idle comments about birds overhead, or rocks shaped like dicks, and 'I wonder if someone did that, or if nature really just put a dick shaped rock out here so someone could find it and ask the same question I just asked...'

The trip wasn't so bad, until the reached the edge of what once was MULE territory. Heavy Timefall fell in the area, a large hand print crater in the ground here.  
Higgs could smell the BTs crawling around this area, infesting it. He could see their shadowy, slimy tendrils. There were even a couple here that weren't humanoid in shape...

"Shit..."

Sam grabbed Higgs arm, instinctively and roughly pulling him back. "We should find another way... I don't care if we have to go around the mountains..." he said, keeping his voice low to keep the BTs from hearing. 

"I know you can see them, but I'm not going to risk it." He said simply, pulling him away. "I'll strand you and toss you on that carrier if I have to, come on." He pulled him away, taking quiet steps until that feeling on the back of his neck went away. 

"That camp... those were the ones that..."

He was frozen there a moment, even with Sam tugging on his arm, trying to pull him away from that darkness.

_You did that, Higgs. You brought those fucking things into this area, you destroyed those people..._

Finally Sam was able to fully pull him away from it, dark tears slipping down Higgs' cheeks.  
A part of him registered Sam's words as he spoke to him, 'another way', 'mountains', 'strand you on carrier'... but what caught his attention was his last sentence, the almost question about the MULEs that once controlled this part of the land.

"...they grabbed me and took my cargo. Tied me up and took my knife, my boots, my cape and my shirt and then fuckin sold me off to some Bridges asshole under the taglines of ' _pretty_ ', ' _young_ ', ' _feisty_ ', and ' _clean and untouched_ '," he breathed, his jaw clenching and the rest of his body going tense as his anger boiled.

He figured this might happen. Figured that surely, because of all the MULEs he chased down and attacked, a void out would take out the area, and he hadn't cared. Hadn't cared because they fucking deserved it for what they did to him, what they surely must have done to others and not just him...

People were awful, terrible, filthy creatures, and damn near all of them deserved the fate that he had so righteously delivered unto those cretins.

Sam stood there, feeling the rage and disgust rise up like bile in his throat. He stepped closer, wrapping his arms around Higgs, in hopes to comfort him, but also so he couldn't see his face. 

For the first time, Sam felt these people got what they deserved. It was a horrific site, would cause problems for travelers for a long time to come. But it was a MULE camp and Higgs probably wasn't the first they did that to. 

He felt his hope beginning to crumble. He knew people were shit and the world was burning, but he hadn't realised it was already this bad. 

"Let's put up a warning sign." He said simply, throat still burning.

Nodding quietly, Higgs was the one to put up the sign, warning other porters and any other travelers of heavy Timefall and BTs.

"Wanna put one up on the other side when we make it over that way?" He asked, his voice sounding small like it had only a couple times before around Sam.

He could feel the slight tremble of the other man's body against his, could practically smell his burning rage. He didn't know where it was directed, but part of him knew it was at the MULEs.

...a small nagging part in the back of his mind that was starting to grow thought it might be that Sam was mad at him.  
Pissed that Higgs had lost his cool and killed so many people to cause such a large void out that now made travel through this area so goddamned dangerous to anyone that didn't have a good DOOMS level.  
...or one of those creepy pod babies.

"Good thinking." Sam agreed, offering his hand out to Higgs again. 

"Let's get moving. While it's an improvement over that MULE camp, this place is giving me the creeps." He huffed a laugh, seeing that uncertainty creep back into Higgs' eyes. 

He wished he knew how to make that look go away.

Getting up and around the crater that Higgs unintentionally was the cause of was a bitch and a half. Timefall reached all the way up, but the BTs thankfully stayed close to the crater.  
The terrain was slippery and rocky, but they eventually made it to the other side, Higgs slipping a good portion of the way down and tumbling, landing sprawled on his back and laughing like a mad man.

"Well fuck! Guess I deserved that shit, huh? Divine fuckin retribution at its finest. Pull me down and throw me to my back," he laughed, shaking his head as he stared up at the clouded sky, the upside down rainbow.

Thankfully, his hood covered the upper part of his face from Timefall, and he was wearing his golden mask to protect the rest.

"Well... you always do look good on your back." Sam teased, making his way to the bottom, doing his best not to get his by his own damn carrier. 

He offered his hand out to him, wanting to help him up, get moving out of the rain.

"Don't be so hard on yourself... those motherfuckers got what they had coming for them. Sure, going around is going to fucking suck, but..." he got quiet, looking in the direction of the voidout site. 

"Let's get that sign up."

"Oooh~ You can put me on my back anytime, Sammy," he purred, accepting his helping hand to get up from where he'd landed.

Getting to his feet, he put up the same signs he put up on the other side of the crater, sighing heavily.

"Losing my head is gonna cause a lot of people a lot of trouble," he murmured, turning to join back up with Sam, taking his hand again. "They might've gotten what was coming to them, but I'll get mine someday, too. For all the shit I've caused."

"You can't be blamed for all of it. Sure there might have been a better way to handle it, but you're one person under a lot of stress, and they probably would have done this to more people." Sam frowned, looking Higgs over. 

"It's not right, but at least no one else is going to get hurt. We've put the signs up at a safe distance, if some idiot goes through, that's their own problem."

"....thanks," he murmured quietly, leaning slightly against Sam, bumping their shoulders together for a moment before pulling back, walking towards their next destination once again.

The rest of the trip was in contemplative silence, Higgs in his own head thinking about the crater, thinking about how he had been the cause of it.  
His fault.

....and what a beautiful thing it was.  
There weren't just the humanoid slimy BTs, but big stalking creatures that resembled large cats. Creatures that stuck under the tar, living under it like fish.

And _he_ birthed that, out of the death he caused.

"You alright?" Sam finally asked after a couple hours of walking in silence. "You're usually quiet." 

He wondered if Higgs was still blaming himself for what happened back there. The boy had a temper and lashed out. Sam hated to admit it, but it was probably justice.

Not that anyone really gave a shit about that anymore. Morals lost to the the Beach. It made sense why they called it the stranding.

"Yeah, m' fine. Just thinking, is all," he sighed, reaching up to take his mask off, attaching it to one of his straps as he let out a breath onto the air, leaving his own personal cloud.

"You really think Fragile Express would take on someone like me into their folds of people?" He asked absently, not wanting to admit to Sam how he was now really feeling about that big ol crater he made.

"Sure. You're a good porter. I don't see why they wouldn't." Sam shrugged, looking over at Higgs.

"They're always looking for idiots to go and do the dumb shit the regular porters won't. That's why I work with Bridges sometimes."

Higgs' lip twitched into a snarl at the mention of Bridges, but he quickly shook it off, nodding his head. "Guess I'm just worried. I don't carry around as much shit as you because I actually give a damn about my shoulders," he teased lightly, elbowing Sam as they approached the waystation.

Sam laughed, shaking his head. "Yeah, but Fragile isn't government so I doubt you'll be hauling the big shit." He shrugged, seeing the station un the distance. 

"You'll probably get more big ticket items and valuables. Those are usually pretty small."

"So like me," he chuckled, glancing to Sam, hoping to make him smile with that comment.

Sam always saw him as small, and evidently at least some kind of valuable, since he kept him around, and called him 'princess'.

Sam rolled his eyes, glad that Higgs was learning a little self value.

"Yeah, but you're more of the priceless variety. If I ever dropped you, well, I wouldn't be trusting some random damn porter to go off and find you. I'd get you my damn self..." he praised him, knowing Higgs loved it, especially when they were about to head into a Bridges facility.

"You definitely are trouble, but you're worth it."

Higgs' cheeks warmed and he seemed to stand just a little bit straighter because of Sam's words, a light touching his eyes that had otherwise faded away.

"Well, should I ever need finding or picking up, I'll be sure to request you specifically, sweetheart~" he purred, stepping past the scanner.

**Scanning Porter IDs. Verified IDs. Welcome, Sam Porter Bridges. Welcome, Higgs Monaghan. Weapons detected. Weapons will be locked until departure.**

"You better, bastard." Sam teased, letting Higgs go first, trying his best not to let the carrier hit either of them on the slope down. 

He hated those fucking things... always getting him in the damn calves. 

"We gonna keep moving? Or is this where we separate for now?" He asked, looking over Higgs' shoulder at the deliveries he could accept and where it would take them.

The younger man bit his lip, looking at the orders available for him, clenching his jaw slightly. They hadn't been together overly long, but then again, they never had been thus far.  
Maybe that was the kind of relationship they were destined to have... only spending so many days together before going separate ways...

"Well... I want to see if I can contact Fragile Express, see if they'll consider me. Not sure if I should take an order before doing that or..." he shrugged, swallowing heavily.

He wasn't really ready to stop having Sam beside him, but... but maybe Sam was trying to say something. Maybe he was done, for now. Maybe he wanted to go at his own pace instead of slowing down for the younger man, or listening to his shit about being kind to his shoulders and whatnot.

_He's probably tired of you causing him trouble, poor thing._

Sam put his orders on the belt, waiting for Higgs to decide. 

"Well, you go talk to the guys from Fragile and I'll wait. I don't really want to take a rest so soon, but if you wanted to, I could take a quick order and be back by morning to hear how the meeting went." He offered, leaning against the belt, watching Higgs think things over. 

He was cute when he was deep in thought. It was almost like he didn't do it often.

Higgs' brow furrowed a bit as he nodded quietly, chewing the inside of his cheek.

_Give him time away for you. Grant him this small freedom and you'll see that he doesn't truly want to be around you, doesn't want to be tied down to you._

Despite the taunting of the voice in his head, Higgs decided.  
"Take a quick order, then. Be safe, and come back so I can tell you how it all went."

For a split second, because he was able to pull the feeling back in and disguise it, Higgs looked sad that Sam was going to leave him, after such a short period of being together again.

_Idiot.  
Now he'll never come back to you. You'll be alone. With me._

Sam caught the look, gently taking Higgs' hand and stepping closer. He pressed a soft, lingering kiss to his lips, one of his hands cupping the younger man's face. 

"Make the room for both of us, so I can come in if I make it home early without waking you up." He hummed, surprisingly not bothered by the public display. He was sure Higgs loved it, exhibitionist bastard. 

"But I'll be back and looking forward to everything you have to say."

His cheeks warmed as he melted into the kiss, looking a little dazed when Sam pulled back, a small little smile left in his place.

"You can wake me up comin home anytime," he hummed softly, giving Sam's hand still in his a gentle squeeze before releasing it.  
"Be safe out there, okay? Come home to me in one piece, preferably. Who else would actually look forward to hearing words from my crazy ass mouth besides you?" He chuckled.

_I would listen to you, Higgs._

"I'm going to reach out to Fragile's people now, then. See if anyone is in the area and can meet me here to talk."

Sam smiled, pushing another quick kiss to Higgs' cheek. "You're amazing. You'll be fine. I'll see you later."

He loaded his pack up, giving Higgs a silly wave before heading back out.

It wouldn't do Higgs any good if Sam stuck around. Hes a good porter. He'd get the job easy on his own. 

He made his way to the delivery destinations, a couple of preppers that lived near each other, then supplies back to the distro center.

Higgs smiled and watched Sam disappear into the distance, a fog rolling in and making it difficult to see him for too far out.

He was able to get in contact with someone from Fragile Express, sending out a request to meet and speak with someone about being added on as one of their porters.  
The message back just said to stay put and that someone would be by to meet and talk with him.

Luckily she was in the area, just a short jump away from the distribution center. Well, it was always just a short jump away. 

She looked around, watching the people in Bridges uniforms make themselves busy, before spotting someone that almost definitely didn't belong. 

"Higgs Monaghan?" She asked, though her tone was more of a statement, as she approached the man, looking him over and assessing his worth.

Higgs turned at his name, taking the woman in front of him in. She was tall and slender but she looked like she could definitely kill him if he asked nicely.

"Yes ma'am, that would be me," he smiled sheepishly. "I'm guessing you're from Fragile Express, then? That was quick."

She looked him over, remaining expressionless. "Yes. That is part of the promise." She smiled, circling around him, assessing him. 

"You haven't been a porter for long, but you do have a good record. Maybe one or two little blips, but even the best of us have that. Why do you want to work for Fragile Express?"

"I was told that being a part of a bigger organization would be good for me, would give me more opportunities that I don't currently have being just a freelance porter," he replied, standing still so she could continue to look him over.

He felt rather like prey being assessed by a predator, to see if he was worth the effort of being hunted.  
...it sent a shiver through his spine, for sure.

"And I'd rather work for Fragile Express than Bridges because I've....I've had a lot of bad experiences now with people from Bridges. ...one of said experiences is the reason for a rather recent 'blip' in my record."

She stopped, standing in front of him. "At least you're honest. I'm not your first choice, your loyalty might need some work, but you have a good record and don't much look like a theif." 

She put her hands on her hips, eyes narrowing. "You have DOOMs. What's your extinction factor? Do you know?"

"I don't know, no. I can see BTs, though. Smell them, too," he added, biting the inside of his cheek, never meeting her gaze.

She was an intimidating woman, which he certainly had no problem with. Likes that, even. Strong women, he found himself thinking, were truly a rare and beautiful breed.

"If it's an interest to you, I'm also a repatriate."

Now her face betrayed her, showing interest. "That does interest me, yes. There's always extra work for those with DOOMs. You can lead other teams of porters, getting pay and part of their split without even having to carry cargo." She offered, giving him one more look over, trying to catch his eyes.

She never really trusted anyone who couldn't look her in the eye. 

But, good reliable porters were hard to come by these days. And too often the good ones died. 

After a moment of running it over in her head, she offered her hand out to him. "You can start in the morning. We'll get you all set up to take orders at the terminals." She explained, taking one of the bracelets out of her bag. 

"This is your ID. Don't lose it, you won't get another."

Higgs' blue eyes lit up like lightning as he took her hand, finally looking to her face.

"Thank you! Oh, thank you very much," he exclaimed, a sense of relief washing over his body.  
He had good news to tell Sam. He was worried that he wouldn't.

Carefully, he took the bracelet and slipped it onto his arm, shuddering slightly at the odd cool feeling of it in his skin.

"I won't let you, or Fragile Express down, I swear it." He added, giving her hand a squeeze before releasing it.

"My name is Fragile. Hope you do me and my father's company proud." She looked him over, taking her umbrella and holding it over her head. 

"I'll see you around." She smiled at him and with a flash, she was gone. 

Sam was already on his way back, just now starting to get dark. He'd make it back in time to climb into the bed with Higgs.

He stood there for a good few minutes, just letting his own mind process everything that had just happened.  
He'd met Fragile - literally _the Fragile_ , of Fragile Express - and she had accepted his request to be apart of their company, one of their porters.

...and then she just fUCKING VANISHED?!  
Into thin air!  
How-?!

He shook himself, smacking his own face lightly a bit before going to the terminal to get him and Sam a room.

She had DOOMS, then. Whatever she had done that made her disappear made his nose itch like chiralium particulates. She could manipulate them, somehow. Jumping from- ah.  
So that's how she had been so quick to get to him in the first place.  
That made sense.

He was still thinking about her as he laid down, stripped almost bare, save for light undergarments. His cape and pack were hanging up in the decontamination closet.

He'd never met someone with higher DOOMS abilities than himself before... it was incredible, what she could do.  
More incredible however that she accepted him on.

He drifted to sleep, toying with the new bracelet on his wrist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you expect the L bomb in there?!
> 
> Things are going so well for our boys~♡  
> Love confessions and Higgs has himself a new big time gig with Fragile Express!
> 
> don't worry, things keep going well for both of them for now...
> 
> but we all know that good things just don't last


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Celebration with a fruity aphrodisiac, and temporary another parting of ways

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things get intimate in an unexpected fashion ♡

Sam found the room Higgs had gotten, letting himself in quietly and undressing, not making a sound until he got into the shower.once he was finished, he pulled his pants back on, climing into bed.

He crawled up behind Higgs, wrapping his arms around him, snuggling close and burying his face in the man's neck. 

He wasn't gone long, but it felt so good to be back here with him.

Higgs hummed softly, his eyelids fluttering slightly as he felt the pleasant weight and warmth of Sam join him in the bed.

"Welcome home, Hardass," he hummed sleepily, reaching back to brush his fingertips along Sam's stubbly jaw. "Run go well?" He asked quietly.

"Mhm... how'd your meeting go?" Sam asked, letting his hands wander along Higgs' arms, feeling along his chest and stopping to feel his heartbeat. 

"Did you get one yet? Or do you have to wait?"

Higgs grinned sleepily, lifting his wrist to show off his fancy new jewelry.

"Fragile her-fucking-self came an' met me. Sized me up and told me she'd seen my record. Gave me this after deciding I would be a good fit, and then she fucking _vanished_!" He explained, making a soft, sleepy ' _poof_ ' sound after telling Sam that Fragile had vanished.

Sam laughed quietly, knowing Higgs must be in between dreams to say that. 

"We'll have to celebrate in the morning." He offered with a humm, pulling him closer to his chest. "Go back to sleep, we can talk more over breakfast."

A quiet hum of approval was all the more Sam got out of the other man before he was happily back to sleeping, now far more relaxed with Sam wrapped around him.

His night was blissfully nightmare free, and when he woke in the morning, he stretched himself out along the bed as usual before turning to look at Sam.

His face was so peaceful and soft looking when he slept. This was probably his third favorite way of seeing Sam, the other two being when he smiled at Higgs, little wrinkles forming at the corners of his eyes, and when he was blushing, that warm color in his cheeks making him look just so damn alive...

God, he really was such a sappy shit...

"I love you, Sammy..." he whispered quietly, reaching out to gently play with his hair, brush his fingers against Sam's jaw again.

Sam woke just a bit as Higgs stretched, only becoming aware when he felt fingers in his hair. 

Stretching with a soft smile, he pulled Higgs closer to him. "Sleep well, love?" He asked, voice low, still not opening his eyes just yet.

Higgs own cheeks flushed a bright red as he was pulled against Sam, that husky voice calling him ' _love_ ' so nonchalantly like that.

"Best I've slept in a while I think, yeah..." he smiled, biting the inside of his cheek. "How about you? When'd you get in?"

"It was pretty late, not quite sure." He shrugged, eyes slipping open to look at Higgs. 

He looked incredible some mornings. Well rested and bright eyed, he wore a soft smile and often pink cheeks.

"You need some more sleep, then, or are you good to go?" He asked, a little twitch of a smirk curling his lips as he looked up at Sam.

"What's that look for? I never see you eager to get out of bed? Did I promise you something last night?" Sam asked, partially joking, but he felt like he probably suggested something.

"Breakfast~" Higgs purred excitedly, his body doing an excited little wiggle there on the bed beside Sam. "Only fuckin thing close to better than a good nights rest next to you is the fuckin food," he hummed, throwing his arms up over his head, as dramatically as possible.

"And that's a close call, because food is really good, Sammy. Best step up your game."

Sam laughed followed by a heavy sigh and a big stretch. "If I didn't know you'd leave crumbs in the bed, I'd let you have breakfast in bed more often." He teased, slowly moving himself to sit up. 

"Well, I think you might have earned yourself a cup of coffee if they have it here. I know getting in with Fragile isnt easy work." He praised, looking around for his shirt.

"I still can't believe it! She said that I'd be able to start taking orders as early as today!" He exclaimed, excitedly pounding his limbs against the bed before jumping up.

"Also, rude. I could totally be a careful eater... eventually. Today is certainly not that day."

He laughed, looking to Sam before offering him his hand to pull him up.

"Let's get the lead out, Hardass. Breakfast is calling my name! Can you hear it?" He snickered, cupping a hand against his lips to whisper 'Higgs! Hiiiiiggssssss!'

_Hiiiiiiggs~_

"Maybe you don't need the coffe." He smirked, moving to get himself up. "If you're so eager to go, you gotta get dressed. Can't go to breakfast in your underwear."

Higgs huffed, a bit of that original energy he had first displayed around Sam coming back in the cute little pout in his face.

"Aw Sammy boy, you never let me have any fun. Don't you think all those fuckin Bridges guys would get a real wake up call from seeing me in my skimpy bits?" He teased, wiggling his eyebrows playfully.

"I'm not worried about them. I'm worried about me." Sam teased, leaning forward and pushing a kiss to Higgs forehead. 

"Little worried about them. I like working for Bridges. Hate to get kicked out because I assaulted someone."

Cheeks flushing a deep red again, Higgs chuckled, pressing himself up against Sam's chest, reaching up to cup Sam's face in his hands.

"My big strong Hardass gonna kick some Bridges ass for getting all hot n bothered over little ol me?" He purred, leaning in, his lips ghosting against Sam's, sharing breath for a moment. "Well ain't that just sweet - Knight in shiny armor type sweet," he added, reluctantly pulling away and letting out a sigh.

"Suppose I'll be good, though, and get dressed," he padded across the private room to the glass closet holding his cape and other over clothes.

Sam rolled his eyes, smiling at Higgs as he made his way around the room. He held so much confidence right now, a positivity he hadn't seen in the man before, and a playful attitude that was so delightfully annoying.

Part of him wanted to encourage this behavior, just let him be happy. Another part of him wanted to push him down on the bed and-

Woah... where'd that line of thought come from? He felt his face heat up at both the thought and the mild shame of it. 

He let himself watch a moment longer before turning away and getting himself dressed.

The younger man was practically bouncing around to get himself dressed, and when he had everything sorted, he went to the mirror.  
Materializing his knife from his pocket, he brought it up to his eye and carefully drew dark lines around his eyes, giving his eyes a winged look. Leaning in close, he inspected his handiwork before grinning, pocketing his knife again and turning to look at Sam.

He spread his arms and grinned.

"Better than being in my skimpy bits? Or you still gonna beat someone's ass for lookin at me too long?"

Sam let himself watch, just appreciating the way Higgs looked. The younger man knew he really liked when he wore that stuff on his eyes.

"How long do you consider too long?" He asked, just smiling at him, so much love and want in his heart.

He felt like he would always want more of Higgs. "Let's get you some breakfast, before you waste away to nothing."

"Would you still love me if I wasted away to nothing?" He asked, giving Sam his best pouty eyes, accented further by the dark outline around them.

He saw the way Sam appreciated that touch, could see a little bit of heat in his gaze and it sent his heart skipping in his chest.  
To think that all he had to do was pretty himself up a bit and Sam would look at him like that...

"Mmm, pretty sure that the time limit for lookin is up to you darlin," he purred, damn near sauntering his way across the room to Sam, so they could leave together.

Sam almost wanted to ask if he was sure he wanted to go to breakfast or stay in bed instead. He shook his head, offering his hand for Higgs to take.

Fighting the urge to pull him down - what had gotten into him? - he got up, holding his hand as they went to breakfast. 

"You going to take a job right away?" He asked, curious.

"Mmm... might be convinced to stay in for a little bit. But I should take a job no later than tomorrow," he hummed quietly, shrugging and giving Sam a rather warm look.

"...but I'm not really ready to part ways with you again just yet," he hummed quietly, giving Sam's hand a squeeze. "That okay, Sammy?"

"Its gonna have to be." Sam said, all the warmth in his voice. "I'm not ready to get rid of you just yet either." He hummed, looking over at him. 

"And before we go, we should arrange a time to meet up again." He suggested, only letting go of Higgs' hand so he could get his plate together.

"Glad you don't want to get rid of me yet, you might hurt my feelings. I'm a _Fragile_ boy, you know," he teased quietly, glancing around himself. "Anyway, I'm sure we could do that, arrange a time to meet up again. Do something regularly," he hummed, grabbing up a plate. He went directly to the pizza, happily taking a few slices.

He was pretty damn sure he could live off this stuff if he was allowed to.

"Seriously? At least eat a fruit or a protein... it's like 8 am." Sam shook his head, looking at Higgs' plate. 

It was later than that, but still. How the hell was the kid getting any nutrients?

"Listen, I won't have you judging me for my eating habits," he huffed, sticking his tongue out as he grabbed some strawberries and sliced bananas.

"So, happy?" He raised a brow, moving away from the food to look for a table.

_They're staring at you, Higgs. Can't you feel it? Their stares, their glares..._

"Shut up," he muttered under his breath, clenching his hands on his plate.

"I guess that'll work." Sam smiled, making their way to the table. He sat down, waiting with his hand palm up for Higgs to take. 

"Are you talking to me?" He asked, a little confused about being told to shut up. "I was just teasing. I won't, if it bothers you?"

Higgs blinked, a confusion crossing his face as he sat down, automatically taking Sam's hand.

"Hm? What do you mean?" He asked, shaking his head. "You know I love it when you tease me," he chuckled, biting his lower lip before grabbing one of the strawberry pieces, popping it into his mouth.

His cheeks flushed a deep red as he had to swallow back a sinful sound. The strawberry was SO damn good! Sweet, and juicy.

Sam smirked watching Higgs eat. "Am I ever wrong? You need to eat more fruits. You can't live on that shit." He teased lightly, feeling that heat in his stomach again. 

Just the sight of Higgs enjoying things... what was going on?

"If all fruits are as damn delicious as this thing is, sign me up for all of them," he purred, closing his eyes as he enjoyed another strawberry piece, his toes curling in his boots, his fingers digging into Sam's palm.

" _God_ , real food is so fuckin good," he whimpered quietly.

_You're drawing attention._

Sam smiled, watching him with interest. "Maybe we should bring a few of those to our room sometime?" He suggested, leaning in and whispering it to Higgs' ear. "If this is how you're going to like it..." he purred.

He loved the idea of spoiling his princess, face between his legs while he fed himself strawberries and whatever sweet things he could get his hands on. 

Fuck man, what's gotten into him? He shifted in his seat, looking down at his plate. 

"Uh... you gonna head to the terminal and see what they have for you after this?"

A warmth bubbled in his chest, a numbness setting into his brain as he swallowed heavily, his body heated.

"I uhm...I think I would rather go back to our room, with some of this fruit," he breathed, a shiver running through his spine. He cleared his throat and glanced around, spying more than a few pairs of eyes looking in their direction.  
"Think I'm making something of a scene, out here... and I'm not even in my good skimpy bits," he teased softly, his gaze flicking back to his partner.

_...is that what you are? Is that what you think? Partners? Lovers?  
I think you're fooling yourself._

"B-But... do you think I should make a stop to the terminal first?"

"The terminal will still be there when we get back..." Sam smiled sheepishly, letting go of Higgs' hand. 

"Go fill up your plate, I'll pay... then we can go to the room and we can head out later... or tomorrow." He hummed, watching him. "We do have to celebrate after all."

The insinuation was enough to utterly destroy Higgs, but he had to keep his head on straight so he didn't stumble all over like an absolute loon.

_Which you are._

He brought his plate back to the food bar and filled his plate with strawberries and banana pieces and a few of the other fruits that were available.

Going back to Sam, he looked to the other man, biting his lip. "Ready?"

Sam lead the way back to the room, letting Higgs in to get comfortable. "Did you do all this just to trick me into letting you eat in bed?"

Higgs smirked, plopping himself down on the bed, setting the plate of fruit on the table beside the bed.

"Well, maybe not the sole reason," he teased, unintentionally sitting with his legs a bit spread, dangling off the edge of the bed.

Sam watched him getting himself comfortable. He felt his mouth water, kneeling down in front of Higgs between his legs. 

He rested his cheek on Higgs' knee. "I'm glad you got the job... you seem happy too."

His smirk faltered, his breath catching in his throat as he looked down at Sam, between his legs like that. His heart stuttered in his chest, his hand balling in the blanket on the bed.

"I am, happy..." he breathed, trembling slightly. "What are you... what are you doing down there, Sammy?"

Sam looked up at Higgs. This might possibly be his best angle. 

"What do you want me to be doing down here?" He asked, resting his hands on Higgs' thighs, trying his best to wear an innocent look.

He could tell that Sam was attempting to play the fucking innocent card here, but Higgs wasn't buying that shit for even a breath of a moment.

"Whatever you wanna be doing down there, sugar," he hummed quietly, digging his fingers into the bed a bit more. "But that look in your eyes is doing sinful things to me," he added, breathy, as he wiggled his hips a little.

Sam rubbed his cheek along the inside of Higgs' thigh. "Is it?" He asked, lowering his voice. 

"Do you like when I worship you?" He asked playfully, resting his chin where he could feel heat between his legs. He could feel him twitching through his pants. It was a powerful and fantastic feeling to be able to do this for him, to him. One he'd never get enough of. 

Sex still wasn't a frequent thought, but it had been bothering him more and more. Wanting to give himself over to Higgs in every way he could.

"When you _worship_ me, Sammy?" He breathed, chewing on the inside of his cheek until he can taste a burst of iron.

"How blasphemous of you, my dear," he purred, reaching down with the hand not buried in the bedsheets to tangle in Sam's hair.

"But yes, I very much enjoy when you worship me like I am your God," he breathed, licking his lips.

For not being one for touch, typically, Sam really was very good at being such a damn tease. It was driving Higgs a bit-

_Insane?  
Mad?  
Because you already are those things, my dear.  
Already have lost your mind, to me._

Sam pushed a kiss at the zipper of Higgs' pants, bringing his hands up to tease. "I think there's something about you that just... I feel like I'll never get enough of you." He sighed, making quick work of his pants.

Higgs' lips parted, his head tipping back slightly as he shuddered and let out a heavy breath.

"You make me crazy, Sammy..." he breathed quietly, carding his fingers through the man's hair. "So beautiful on your knees..." he added softly.

Sam hummed, pulling Higgs out of his pants, pressing kisses along him. "You should have your snack." He hummed, looking up at him, a little amused. 

"I want to... I want to try a little more today..." he chewed his lip, working his hand on Higgs.

The feel of Sam's lips, his breath, and then his slightly rough hand against his sensitive skin.

"A little more...?" He asked breathily, his body already trembling despite Sam only just starting to actually do something to him. "A little more like... like what?" He asked, quite a few things filtering through his head as he pulled his hand from the blankets to grab himself a piece of strawberry.

"What do you want a little more to mean?" Sam asked, starting to feel a little anxious now. 

He could see Higgs' brain working it over, watching the ideas light up his eyes. Pink cheeks, the dark makeup around his eyes making them look icy blue, getting darker the more he worked his hand on his cock. 

The way his mouth pulled when he popped the fruit into his mouth... he was breathtaking. 

He thought so even when they were in ordinary situations. Watching him go on about rocks being oddly shaped and something about rodents, he knew there would be no one else like him. 

He loved him. He trusted him.

"Fff... I don't know... it's already more, but this isn't it, is it?" He asked, smiling as he let out a breathy laugh.

Sam's pupils were blown, and there was heat in them, and in his cheeks.  
He wondered what was going through that head of his, what he wanted that he was starting to get anxious about. He could see the rising anxiety, could almost taste it in the air.

"Sammy...darlin, talk to me... Anything you want, I would give it to you. Anything you need," he breathed, slipping the hand from Sam's hair to cup his cheek. "You only have to ask, to tell me..."

He would give all of himself to Sam in a heartbeat, would throw everything else away, if Sam only asked it of him.  
Anything he was thinking of as 'more', surely he could give that to Sam.

Sam chewed his lip, considering chickening out, just pulling Higgs into his mouth until he was done, wanting to nap again. 

He thought about it for a moment, not looking at him, afraid to lose his nerve. He was worried the answer would be no. That he'd be laughed at. That Higgs would leave.

"I know I can't... do this for you... not yet, but I'm getting there." He started, taking a deep breath. "But I want you to... I want to have sex with you. And I know you probably haven't before so it'll be new for both of us, but I trust you, and I want to give you everything."

Higgs' heart damn near stopped in his chest as he swallowed heavily.

"You- Sammy, you want me to...?" He licked his lips, his icy blue eyes lighting up. This was not even remotely at the top of the list of things he had been thinking.

Sam wanted to give himself to him, to let Higgs...

"Yes. God, yes, Sam. If that's what you want, I'll do it, I'll try to do this for you," he breathed, smiling softly as he leaned down to steal a kiss from Sam's lips.

So many times he had had that intimacy taken from him by some fuck that thought they deserved it, and Higgs was so afraid to become that. He didn't want to treat this request from Sam like anything less than what it was: a fucking honor.

"You'll need to strip, and I'll need something to help... ease the struggle," he licked his lips, his gaze lingering on Sam's lips. "...your saliva would do," he hummed, brushing the pad of his thumb over Sam's lower lip.

Sam let his eyes slip closed, letting Higgs' thumb slide into his mouth, running his tongue over it. He felt so much more at ease at the response. 

Higgs seemed eager to give Sam what he wanted, like it was a special request.

"There might be something in the medicine cabinet you can use too... is there anything I need to do?" He asked, getting up and slowly removing his clothes. It was less of a tease and a little hesitant. 

Higgs had had this done to him so many times, he wasn't stupid. Taken from him, forced out of him. Sam wasn't sure if he'd be able to get aroused, so he had to reassure him somehow. 

Had to find a way to let him know that as long as he was having a good time, it was great for Sam.

The moment of Sam's tongue against his thumb made him shiver, but then it was gone and Sam was slipping out of his clothes in front of him.  
"I need you to get nice and comfortable, however and wherever is most comfortable for you," he said quietly, his eyes still just drinking Sam in.

He'd seen Sam naked before, because they had showered and slept together afterwards. ...something about this time was different, though. Something about this time held so much more weight, yet simultaneously a freedom he never felt, even when he escaped from confinement, more than once now.

Carefully, he got up from the bed and slipped out of his clothes as well, going to the medicine cabinet to look through options in there. Surprisingly - or not - there actually was lubricant in the supplies. His cheeks flushed lightly but he felt a little less anxious, knowing now that he could do this the right way.

"Do I need to be on my stomach? Or can I watch?" Sam asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed. 

He watched Higgs undress and dig through the cabinet, finding something that made him stand just a bit straighter. He looked amazing, practically radiant. 

All scared skin on display for him, not even trying to hide from view. Every mark on him told of some horrible thing he'd lived through, and Sam wanted to keep the past where it was. Fill his head with positive thoughts and memories. 

This being one of them.

"If you'd like to watch, I can work with that. When it's like that, it's all about careful angling," he hummed quietly, returning to the bed to run his fingers through Sam's hair again.

"You're so beautiful, Sam... and I don't just mean physically," he hummed, leaning forward to kiss him softly. "Lay down now, and get comfortable. I'm going to start working on making this less uncomfortable for you," he smiled, a hint of nerves in his eyes.

Sex was.... it was a sore subject for Higgs, normally, despite how open he always was about it and his sexuality. He oozed sex appeal, and he knew that, and knew that was a big cause of his troubles.

But sex was also tricky. There was a fine line between pain and pleasure, and while that line was very blurry in Higgs' own case, it wasn't blurry for other people, so he knew he had to be careful. This was special, too. Sam's first time doing something like this and that was... it was huge. He knew Sam was trusting him with a lot by even thinking to ask for this.

A lot of pressure, and he desperately wanted to get this right, to help Sam to feel good and to experience sex in a better light than Higgs had.

Sam could feel his nerves rising, that look of consideration on Higgs' face sent shivers down his spine. Not to even mention the gentle touches and soft voice. 

He rolled onto his side, making it a bit easier for Higgs to reach him and he'd still be able to watch. 

He could see the pressure this put on his partner. He had no idea, but it seemed like careful work and there wasn't anyone he trusted more than him. 

Even if it wasn't great, and if he couldn't get aroused or take any physical pleasure out of it, he knew what it meant to Higgs. The personal intimacy and giving him this opportunity to be closer to him would be more than enough for Sam.

"I love you. You know that, right?"

"I'm starting to get the picture, yes," he hummed quietly as he gently set himself down beside Sam, trailing his fingertips along Sam's side, down lower to his hip, and then further to the round of his butt.

"I love you too, Sam... more and more everyday, really," he admitted quietly, letting a sharp breath out of his nose as he leaned in, trailing kisses along Sam's back, down all the way to the swell of his butt.

"My handsome hardass," he purred quietly, gently nipping at Sam's ass. "You're sure you want to try this?" He asked, chewing his own lip.

He was being so damn careful, and any other person that had had sex before probably would've smacked him around for being so hesitant. ...but this was Sam, his first, and he was just so damn precious to Higgs that he couldn't dare risk fucking this up, misunderstanding.

_You ruin everything anyway, what's another thing?_

Sam nodded, watching Higgs take his time. He appreciated the asking, checking in with him. 

"Yeah I'm sure. This still ok with you?" He asked, propping his head up on his elbow to watch. 

He could feel the ghosts of his kisses still lingering on his skin, not quite sure where his attention was really being held. 

"You don't have to think so much about this. I know it's not a little thing, but I trust you."

Taking a deep breath, Higgs tore open the lubricant with his teeth - good thing he had those sharp teeth, then.

Getting some on his fingers, he also dripped some very carefully between Sam's cheeks.

"Okay... okay, Sammy... remember to breathe for me, okay?" He hummed, being gentle as he rubbed the lubricant around his hole, biting his lower lip. "I'm gonna start now..." he murmured, ever so carefully pushing one finger in, slowly.

He knew he had to be careful, so damn careful. He couldn't fuck this up.

Sam grunted quietly at the feeling. It wasn't terrible, just odd and rather unpleasant. 

Judging by the way Higgs was looking at him, still so cautious, he must have been making a face. He tried to relax, his face and his body, but it... his nerves were still a little shot, afraid to disappoint. 

Afraid it would be totally unpleasant and everything he and Higgs had worked for would be nothing. He worried his distaste for touch would come back.

He remembered the first time for himself too... it hadn't been the most pleasant experience, but it wasn't... always that way? Daddy had never been overly gentle per say, but there were times when it hadn't hurt as much.

"It's not always like this," he murmured softly, pressing soft kisses to Sam's side, very gently and very carefully moving his single finger inside of his partner, wriggling it a little to stretch the muscles that were too fucking tense.

Maybe I nicknamed him properly - Hardass.

"Its fine... just..." Sam shrugged, shifting around a bit, trying to find a way to make himself more comfortable.

"It gets better, right?" He asked, a bit of a huff, looking over at Higgs. He seemed a little frustrated.

Higgs looked sheepishly at Sam, nodding. "The stretching part is a bitch, and not really my thing. But I don't... I don't want to hurt you, not like that. Not like I have been," he murmured, biting his lip. "Wanna break the cycle, you know?"

He continued carefully stretching Sam with one finger, until the movement came easier and he teased a second finger at Sam's entrance.

Sam smiled at the sentiment, relaxing a bit at that. Higgs could go at this all day until he felt comfortable. 

It was also starting to hurt less, and was beginning to feel weird, but not bad. He'd relax a bit more when Higgs did. He knew that. 

"You're a really good person, Higgs. Despite everything that's happened, you're still so good. So full of love."

He felt his cheeks go warm as he breathed a laugh, warm against Sam's skin. "I'm only good when I'm with you, darlin. Only full of love for you. The rest of the world, I think I'd happily watch all that burn," he murmured softly, nipping at his partner's hip as finally, the second finger slipped in. He was able to get a better stretch going, his own muscles starting to lose tension as he felt Sam's body giving over to him.

It was intense, and intimate, and he never wanted to feel like this with anyone else. Just Sam... his Sam.

_Someday, the world will burn at our feet, and Sam will be there. He will look at you and you will know that you have lost him._

Sam sighed, the feeling becoming just a little more enjoyable.

"I must be the luckiest man in the world then, princess." He hummed, watching Higgs relax. 

He just watched, realizing how true that felt. How lucky he was to find someone who didn't ask him to be something he's not. Someone who didn't force him into anything. Someone who was soft and gentle and loved him back. How rare it was for anyone to find a partner after the Stranding and here he had someone who cherished him, accepting him and all his flaws. 

Though he was sure Higgs wouldn't see them as flaws.

"Mm, yeah, probably pretty damn lucky I'd say. I'd try to challenge that, but God her damn self knows I ain't lucky," he chuckled lightly, more easily maneuvering his fingers now, pressing in and pulling out, wriggling them inside, stretching Sam carefully and thoroughly.

It wasn't like he was overly big himself, but he didn't want to take any chances. It was difficult enough ignoring that alluring voice in his head, but Sam was keeping him grounded.

Sam sighed, relaxing and starting to enjoy the feeling. It was pleasant, like rubbing your feet. 

"Almost done?" He asked curiously, starting to get a little antsy. He wanted to feel Higgs against him. Just hold him, wondering if having him inside would feel better or worse.

"Mmm... yeah, if you think you're ready, if you're ready," he purred quietly, pressing his fingers in and out, being gentle as he started to just fuck him with the two fingers.

"Do you think you're ready for more? It's a whole lot of touching, for someone who ain't fond of such a thing."

"I don't think I'd mind it if its you..." Sam smiled down at him, feeling pretty relaxed. 

"Can I still be on my back?" He asked hopefully. He still wanted to watch Higgs' face. He loved seeing him lose himself.

Higgs bit his lower lip, nodding. "Course you can, darlin," he hummed, giving his fingers one last little wiggle before pulling them out.

He sucked in a heavy breath before situating himself, wrapping a hand around his own cock, getting some of the lubricant on himself.

"Alright... you have to stay relaxed, keep breathing," he hummed quietly, pressing his tip against Sam.

Sam shifted a bit, settling in on the bed, holding his breath as he waited. He could see the anticipation on Higgs' face. His excitement and devotion. 

"You're so beautiful..." he breathed, his anxious nerves making him shake just a bit. "Please..."

At an agonizingly slow pace, Higgs pushed himself into Sam, a little bit at a time. His face twisted and contorted with the pleasure and pressure he was feeling.

Never before had he been the one to be in control in these situations. It felt powerful, he felt powerful.

_Don't go getting a big head._

Sam couldn't help but let out a moan. The idea of having Higgs so close, literally inside him felt incredibly overwhelming. 

A few gasping breaths with eyes squeezed shut, he clung to the bed sheets.

Higgs bottomed himself out, after pushing in so slowly, a whimper falling past his lips.

"Sammy... Sammy, you okay?" He breathed, his body trembling as he held himself still.

Sam let out a shaking breath, letting his eyes slide open, nodding. "Yes... feels... it's not bad." He breathed a laugh. 

He was sure that's what any man wanted to hear. Didn't feel as big as it looked? Also quite bad. Maybe staying quiet was the best. 

"Go on, don't hold off because of me." He whispered, reaching up to touch Higgs.

"Darlin, this is for you as much as it is for me, so I gotta hold off, and I want to be gentle with you," Higgs hummed quietly, but he finally moved a little, nearly pulling all the way out before thrusting back in.

His eyelids fluttered closed as his lips parted and he breathed a moan.

"Oh...oh Sammy..."

Sam felt sparks move through his body at the way his name sounded off his lips. It was nothing more than a sigh, but it was everything. 

He felt his own eyelids flutter at the feeling. It was similar to sitting in a hot spring after hauling cargo through the mountains. It was relaxing, soothing even, warm. 

"Ah..." he breathed, shivering just a bit. "Please..."

He got a careful pace going, pulling himself out before thrusting back in, digging his claws into Sam's hips as he did so, holding on for better control.

He was beautiful, laying there beneath him. A warmth in his cheeks and a relaxed look to him.  
His own heart was pounding heavily, overly excited to see Sam like this, to be so open and so connected.

_It won't last forever, sweetheart._

Sam just watched, enjoying the repetitive feeling of Higgs' motions. Just watching him falling apart, unraveling and enjoying himself. So very connected, so in the moment, but he was starting to get that foggy, distant look.

A particularly hard, deep movement sent him gasping, a startled moan escaping his mouth before he could stop it. 

"Oh! Do that again." He breathed.

Higgs blinked, pausing in what was becoming a slightly erratic rhythm.

"Do- oh~" his lips pulled up at the corners, a slight smirk forming. "Oh, I found the good spot, then," he purred, thrusting himself in again, same as he had just a moment ago, a shiver of pleasure shuddering through him as well as he did.

Hearing Sam moan like that was so- oh... oh it was the absolute most beautiful sound in the entire world.

"You beautiful man, sing for me again, hm?"

Sam couldn't help the sound he made at that feeling again, even anticipating didn't fully prepare him for it. 

He wrapped his legs around Higgs, his body trying to pull the other closer. One of his hands dug into the sheets, the other reaching up and grabbing the other man's arm, possibly hard enough to bruise.

Higgs gasped and shuddered against Sam, feeling so damn close already, hearing Sam with such pleasure in his voice, in the sound that Higgs was able to pull out of him.

The pressure on his arm was sure to leave a bruise, since Higgs bruised so damn easily, but he honestly didn't give a shit. The sting of pain with the intense pleasure he was feeling was sending him so close to the edge.

"Oh fffff... Sammy... my handsome darling..."

The sensation was overwhelming, panting at the feeling, the muscles in his stomach feeling like they were pulling tight. 

"Oh...oh Higgs..." he squeezed his eyes shut, body shaking. "Please... please don't stop!" He wanted to keep that feeling. Is this what it always felt like for Higgs? It was both fantastic and miserable.

His body trembled as he continued to thrust at that rougher pace, being sure to keep at that same angle, keep getting Sam where it sent pleasure through the both of them - Sam, because of the bundle of nerves, himself because of the sound that pulled from Sam.

"Sammy, I'm so- oh, I'm so close..." he whimpered, the snaps of his own hips becoming quite a bit more erratic.

There was his name, spoken like that again, that and feeling Higgs drove him to...

His body stiffened, legs pulling Higgs impossibly closer. The grip on his arm was definitely bruising now. His head fell back and he let out a sound, something between a gasp and a moan and tasted like Higgs name, toes curling and his vision going white.

Sam was so goddamned gorgeous as he was enveloped with pleasure, his muscles tightening around Higgs, pushing him over the edge as well. With still an ounce of functioning brain cells, Higgs pulled out of Sam as he let his own climax wash over him.

Overwhelmed with seeing Sam like he had never seen him before - and how he thought he would never see him - and his own climax, Higgs collapsed against his partner. His eyes fell closed as he panted and spasmed, his body trembling and shuddering, his heart racing to the point he thought he might just fucking die on the spot.

_Wouldn't that just kill the mood?_

"Sam...Sammy...oh, my love... are you okay? Talk to me darlin..."

Sam felt his eyes water, wrapping his arms around Higgs, just holding him close. He took a few shaky breaths, overwhelmed with the feeling of it all. 

He buried his hand in Higgs' short hair, just wanting to hold him and never let go.

He felt sticky and tired and just... wrong. Why was he so upset after this?

Fuck.  
Fuck, those were tears.  
All of that high feeling he usually settled into vanished as he held himself close to Sam, gently brushing his thumb under Sam's eyes.

"Sammy...talk to me, _please_ ," he whimpered quietly, nuzzling against him, kissing along his jaw. "Did I hurt you? I'm so sorry, if I did... I tried so hard not to..."

He felt a burning guilt starting in his belly, a self hatred bubbling and quickly poisoning his mind.

_Look what you've done. I told you, you ruin everything you touch, and you've had your claws in Sam far too long. You're destroying him, tainting him._

Sam breathed a laugh, leaning into the kisses. He felt ridiculous, upset for what? 

"No... no you didn't hurt me... it was good. Great. Really, I'd want to do that again sometime." He reassured, feeling Higgs tense up. He wasn't looking at him, but he could sense that look of guilt on his face. 

Still unable to stop his tears, he took a deep breath. "It's just... nevermind. It's stupid." He pressed his lips together, trying to stop himself from crying like a baby.

"No, don't you dare close up on me now," Higgs breathed, almost a soft growl to his voice as he pushed his bullshit aside and focused his attentions on Sam, sitting up slightly as he cupped his partner's cheeks.

"Talk to me, darlin. Whatever it is that you're feelin that's making you want to cry - it ain't stupid," he murmured quietly, brushing his thumb under that man's eye again, wiping away tears that were escaping down his cheeks.

There was time later to be excited that Sam wanted to do this again. Time later to ask him if he would return the favor, if Sam would fuck him someday.

Sam forced himself to smile. He hated this, hated ruining this moment for the both of them. Why couldn't things ever just be perfect?

"You're going to leave me..." he breathed, not really able to look Higgs in the eye. He focused more on his lips, the trails of black makeup that ran down his cheeks, smudged from sweat.

"You're going to start porting for Fragile and you'll go everywhere. Maybe even far out west. You'll meet people and you'll get things... and you're not going to want to come back to me..." he breathed, feeling like he wasn't making any sense. 

"The happiest I've ever been in my life and I feel like I'm just... I'm not enough for you."

Higgs blinked, searching Sam's face a moment, looking for any sign that this big idiot was joking.

...but going by that look in his eyes and the tears slipping from his cheeks, he really wasn't joking. He really thought that Higgs would just... leave him like that. Just go. Just fucking forget him like this wasn't the most meaningful relationship Higgs had ever had with any other living being.

"...you damn fool," he breathed, shaking his head as he pulled Sam close to him, resting their foreheads together, one hand resting on Sam's hip, the other at the back of his neck. "You wanted me to get this job with Fragile, suggested it cus it would be good for me, benefits wise," he shook his head, still pressed against Sam. "Ain't leaving you, my handsome dummy. You're the only human being dumb enough to actually enjoy spending time with me. Sure as shit, I'm not giving that up for anything. I'd sooner give up this gig with Fragile. Survived just fine without a fancy contract before now, can keep doing so if it means you won't worry."

"No. Don't do that..." Sam shook his head, reaching up, hooking his arms up around his shoulders. Just resting his hands on his shoulder blades. 

"You... they don't take just anyone. You deserve it. You deserve fancy contracts and nice things. You deserve to see everything there is the world has to offer." He breathed, feeling like he was finally starting to calm down again. Thinking clearer. 

"And I'll always worry about you. I'll worry that there's going to be some moron out there dumber than I am... someone who can love you better than me. Give you everything you want..." he shook his head, knowing it was stupid. He was sure Higgs wasn't the kind of person that would put this much meaning and effort into something just to throw it away.

"Is it always this overwhelming after?" He huffed, knowing these were thoughts he was having before, but he'd just gotten a rush of emotions after whatever that was.

Higgs smiled, breathing a soft laugh as he nuzzled against Sam, kissing the man's jaw.

"A lot of hormones are involved with orgasms, and for some people it's a lot to handle, so other emotions and things sometimes get amplified and tied into that," he hummed, explaining carefully. "It isn't always like that, but if it is for you, that's okay too. I know how to roll with the punches," he smiled, carding his fingers through Sam's hair, searching his eyes carefully.

"But, I need you to know, and to understand... I love you, Sam Porter Bridges, my Handsome Hardass Sam," he smiled, biting his lower lip. "I don't care what dumbass comes along and thinks they can figure me better... you're stuck with me, Sam."

_And you're stuck with me, my sweet boy._

"Good. Because I love you too... and if you tell anyone I cried after my first time I'll... well I don't know what I'd do." Sam smiled, feeling a little better now. 

"You'll still come see me now and then? Maybe put in a request order through so I know where you are?" He asked hopefully, wanting to at least know Higgs was safe. 

The last time they were apart... he didn't want that again. He hoped a job with Fragile would bring the poor boy some stability. He deserved it.

"You're talkin like I'm going to a different fuckin planet, Sammy. M' still gonna be seeing you out there in the wide open world. Still gonna find you out there and pester you and call you Handsome Hardass and try to get you into a private room with me," he smiled, pressing a soft kiss to Sam's forehead, lingering.

"But, I won't tell a soul about this, because no one needs to know. And, I'll of course come see you, and put in requests for you."

Sam sighed contentedly at the feeling of lips on his forehead. "Higgs... I love you. No matter how far apart we get, don't forget that." He smiled relaxing on the bed. 

He wasn't going to say a word about the nightmares he'd been having. About Higgs being taken by something dark and powerful. That's just how DOOMS was. It took whatever good things you had in your mind and turned them to terror and paranoia. 

He knew now that he didn't need to worry. They were just dreams after all.

Now that he'd been reassured, he just felt sticky and tired, covered in the mess of the both of them, sticking their bellies together.

Higgs chuckled lightly, nuzzling against Sam before pushing himself up. "Come on my dear sticky man, let's get you cleaned up, hm?" He hummed quietly, offering his hand out to Sam to help him up.

"I know being sticky like that ain't comfortable, especially not for too long," he added absently.

_I'll never be far from you, Higgs._

"It's so odd saying 'I love you' to someone..."

Sam shrugged, not really wanting to get up. "I think I might like it..." he admitted, hesitantly sitting up. Letting Higgs take him to get cleaned up. 

"It's a nice kind of odd though, isn't it? Feels weird to hear it in my voice and actually mean the words."

"It's definitely not a complaint or anything. It's odd, but it's wonderful," he grinned, stepping into the shower with Sam.

The water turned on nice and warm and washed over the both of them, cleaning them of sweat and bodily fluids.

"...I know you're recovering, but before this feeling leaves you, I want to ask... would you do that for me sometime? Fuck me, I mean," he asked, biting his lower lip as he touched at the blooming bruise on his arm, and one on his hip - where did that come from?

Sam looked Higgs over, feeling pretty terrible about leaving marks on him like that. 

"I mean... if I'm able to, yeah." He agreed. "I'll certainly give it a try if it was something you wanted." He hummed, running the backs of his fingers along the bruise on his hip. 

He didn't remember grabbing him there, especially not so hard. The mark was damn near black.

"Not this time, though. I don't want to ruin what this was, because this was... it was beautiful, my love," he hummed, running his fingers through Sam's hair, the feel of his fingers against the dark bruise on his hip sending sparks through his nerves. He flinched away from the touch slightly.

It almost burned... he never felt something like that, from a bruise. And he knew a thing or two about bruises.

"And, if you can't, that's fine too. You've done plenty to make me feel high as a kite."

Sam pulled his hand away, careful not to touch. "I'd try." He agreed again, reaching up and pulling their hands together. 

"Thank you... for all of this. For trying with me. For being so gentle and perfect..." he sighed, relaxing against him.

"I wouldn't want to do any less for you, Sammy," he breathed quietly, just enjoying the feeling of the warm water cascading over the both of them.

"...I can go through all of this with you, and yet I'm so damn nervous to go up there and take an order from the terminal," he murmured, breathing a laugh as he shook his head. "I ain't goin out past Port Knot, though. Farthest I've been with you, farthest I'm fuckin going."

Sam shook his head, leaning their foreheads together. "Just go out there and see. And then come back and tell me about all of it." He smiled, pulling away from him. 

"Can we just stay in bed for now? Got out in the morning?"

Higgs smiled softly, running his fingers through Sam's hair as he nodded. "Yeah, we can just stay in bed. I'm sure whatever orders are for me can wait another night," he hummed, much preferring to stay with Sam a little while longer.

It was getting more and more difficult to part ways with him, each time they spent together, it seems they spent more together, shared more.

_But it won't last, because nothing does._

Sam smiled, pulling Higgs out of the shower and back to bed, just wanting to be near him. To cherish the limited amount of time they had left together for now.

They spent the night just laying together, languidly kissing and touching and eventually even sleeping again.

...but morning had to come eventually, and with that eventuality came Higgs needing to separate from Sam, to take on his first order for Fragile Express.

He checked over himself in the mirror before producing his knife and outlining his eyes again, giving them that winged look.

Taking a deep breath, he turned to look at Sam, arms out slightly.

"Look like I'm ready? Would you want to be receiving a package from me?"

Sam tilted his head, sitting up and watching Higgs curiously. "What?" He asked, attention drawn away from tying his shoes.

Higgs gestured to himself, before putting a hand on his hip. "Starting my new contract today, Sammy, remember? Do I look okay? Look like a reliable porter that you'd want to be receiving your package orders from?"

"No I wouldn't want a package. You don't wash your hands after going to the bathroom." Sam teased, wanting to piss him off one last time. 

"You look good... but you already knew that was my answer." He hummed, eyes catching on that dark lining around his eyes.

"I do too wash my hands!" He exclaimed, crossing his arms and getting that angry little pouty look on his face. "Just not out in the fuckin wilderness. Ain't washing my hands in freezing cold water when I ain't got no way to warm em back up," he grumbled, his cheeks warm from that darkened look in Sam's eyes.

It had taken some time getting Sam this kind of interested, and now that he was, it seemed like there was no end to catching those kinds of looks from the other man.  
Not that Higgs would ever complain.

"Rather good thing that you're not an overly possessive and jealous partner, else I don't think you'd let me out in anything less than a paper bag over my head and 4 layers of clothes."

"Don't give me any ideas." Sam quipped, smiling and turning back to getting himself dressed.

"Besides, I trust you." He added quietly. It was true. He trusted Higgs not to hurt him. Not that he trusted other people around him, but he couldn't control what anyone did. 

And he wouldn't dream of controlling or telling Higgs what to do.

Higgs' shoulders lost the tension they held, his crossed arms dropping to his sides as he smiled softly, looking at Sam's back.

"That means a lot, Sam," he hummed, closing the space between them to wrap his arms around Sam's back.

_A foolish decision, really._

"With all my power, I'll do my damnedest to make sure you never have a reason not to trust me."

_Shouldn't make promises I won't let you keep, Higgs._

Sam pushed a kiss to his cheek. "I know you will." He sighed, relaxing into Higgs' hold. 

"Let's get you going. Don't want to keep them waiting." He hummed, offering his hand out to him again. "Maybe we can even head in the same direction if that's an option... doesn't have to be good bye yet... right?"

"A guy can dream," he hummed, taking Sam's hand in his own, giving it a good squeeze before leading the way out of the private room.

It felt good to be leaving _with_ Sam, and on good terms with him to boot.

After the night they shared, it was easier to ignore the stupid glances and looks they caught from other Bridges employees roaming around, especially when Higgs didn't release Sam's hand until he got to the terminal.

His eyes lit up as the screen did, showing him available freelance orders and available Fragile Express orders. There was even one-

"Sam! This one has my name on it!" He exclaimed, turning to look at him, to show him the order.

Sam couldn't help the way his heart skipped at Higgs' excitement. He looked so incredibly beautiful in the blue glow of the terminal, eyes lit up like a child on their birthday. 

"Look at that! You're a legitimate porter now, princess! Got your name on the order and everything!" He praised, a gentle hand resting on his shoulder. 

"Where's it taking you?"

Higgs' cheeks warmed and he couksn't help the little full body wiggle before returning to looking over the order. "Seems like Fragile needs me to bring something to the Wind Farm, up in the mountains," he murmured, his brows furrowing a little, chewing the inside of his cheek.

He'd never traveled up into the mountains much... too cold for a kid with barely any meat on his bones to keep from blowing away in heavy wind, let alone heavy wind and snowy Timefall.

All the same, how could he possibly turn down the first order to bare his name? So he accepted the order and gathered the cargo from the belt when it arrived. Nothing overly big or overly heavy, but definitely more items than he was particularly used to bringing to a single location at a time.

"Feel a bit like how you look all the time, my handsome pack mule."

Sam shook his head, pretending to be offended. It did look good to see Higgs carrying more than a couple things.

"The wind farm isn't too bad. It's hard to get through the area because of the BTs, so just move slow and be careful, you'll be fine. Look for ladders and stuff people have left behind." 

He turned to look at his own orders, nothing bringing him over that way. He took a couple anyway and loaded himself up.

"Looks like we'll have to part ways this trip anyway. I'll go with you as far as we can, but we'll have to split up about...here." he said, pointing to the map on the UI.

It wasn't a far distance they could stay together, but it was better than splitting ways here and now. Any extra time with Sam was more than welcomed by the smaller man.

"BTs aren't as much a bother when you can see em coming," he hummed, shrugging his pack to a more comfortable position as he watched Sam load up, exactly like a fucking pack mule.

Things went on his shoulder racks, his hips, his tool rack, and all that shit in his pack. Higgs shook his head, chuckling to himself.

"Never'll be as good and efficient as you. Don't think I could get close to carrying half the shit you carry. What's the max weight you can do without completely breaking yourself?" He asked curiously, knowing his own max was only about 90kg,and that was pushing it since he barely weighed that much himself.

"Don't really know... Maybe 180? That's the most I've carried before." Sam shrugged, not really ever having thought about it. "Almost fell ass first off a cliff and decided not to to that again." He laughed, shaking his head at the memory. 

It really was the stupidest thing he'd done to date.

He had to bite back a snicker as he shook his head, waiting for Sam before making his way towards the entrance. "Sounds like something your overachieving ass would do," he teased lightly, eyes still holding that brightness to them.

"Do me a favor and don't something stupid like that again, unless I'm around with a camera and a helping hand," he added, grinning as he held onto the straps of his pack, making his way up the ramp and into the wide open world.

**Weapons restriction lifted. Have a good trip.**

"I could have died and you're laughing at me!?" Sam huffed, struggling just a bit up the ramp. Once he'd hit flat ground he was more comfortable on his feet. 

"You got a second pair of boots? The rocks up that way are sharp." He warned, not wanting to hear that Higgs tore up his poor feet.

"Oh, because death means so much for us," he rolled his eyes. "You literally told me you carry a loaded gun because you've gone and broken your back carrying an order before and you just came back and picked up where you left off," he gave Sam a knowing look before sighing.

"All the same... I'd rather you not go and purposefully put yourself in danger," he hummed, patting the spare boots hanging from his pack. "Only got one spare pair, but the ones I've got on are good for a while yet, so I should be fine."

It was odd, having someone care so much about him, to be worried about whether he had the proper supplies or enough supplies.

"That was the time I broke my back." Sam laughed nervously, shivering at the thought of it. He never wanted something like that to happen to Higgs. 

Never wanted him to have to make that decision. It was horrible and he wished he was never put in a situation like that again himself. But he was always prepared for it. 

That was what he needed to be. Prepared for anything.

"Yeah, I know, so don't go doing stupid shit while I'm away from you, alright?" He sighed, gently elbowing Sam as they carried on walking towards where Sam had pointed out they would be splitting up.

Higgs wasn't looking forward to that, actually...

_Just you and me beyond that point, sweetheart._

"Promise I'll try my best." Sam smiled, feeling his legs moving slower as they approached where they'd have to split. 

He wasn't ready for that yet, but he knew they couldn't stick around together for ever. Not only was it probably unhealthy, they'd both eventually drive the other crazy.

He tried to convince himself that distance would be good for them. 

"I guess this is it then..." he frowned, looking down at the ground before looking to Higgs again. "I'll maybe see you in a few days?"

"I guess so... for now, though, not forever," he murmured quietly, looking up at Sam, clenching his fingers around his straps.

"In a few days, yes, otherwise I'll send a request out for you," he hummed, forcing a smile.

_Can't stand the thought of being alone, can you? My poor pathetic boy..._

He threw his arms around Sam, hugging him tightly and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

"I love you, and you best be fuckin careful out there. BTs, MULEs... the world's shit and you better be careful," he breathed, his heart aching.

Sam held him, hugging him back and pushing a soft kiss to his lips. "You too. Be careful, alright?" He whispered, still holding him to his chest a monent. He didn't want to let him go just yet.

"I love you. See you again soon." He hummed, letting him go, wanting to watch him until he couldn't see him anymore, but knowing that probably wouldn't help the pain in his chest any. 

He knew he'd want to follow after him.

Higgs stepped away, slowly, backing away so he could watch Sam a few moments before the terrain made it unsafe to do that and he had to turn the direction he was walking.

Climbing the mountain wasn't the easiest, not with the weight in his pack or the fucking nagging voice in his head, damn near clawing at his brain every moment of the climb.

_You're never going to see him again. Never going to be enough for him.  
It'll be just you and me my little terror.  
My instrument of destruction._

Finally arriving at the Wind Farm, Higgs had his hood up and his golden mask on.

**Scanning Fragile Express ID. ID verified. Welcome, Higgs Monaghan. Weapons detected. Weapons will be locked until departure.**

Fragile herself was there at the terminal when he made it down the ramp, an expectant look on her face. Evidently, the order was for her, so she could see if Higgs was actually cut out for this.

Over the next few months, Higgs took on quite a few orders via Fragile Express a couple sporadic ones being from Fragile herself to see how he was doing on her own terms. On these occasions, they would take a meal together and talk, getting to know one another.  
He got to see Sam a few times, purely by accident as they were traveling the same direction. Otherwise, they kept in contact through emails, or little notes left behind for one another.

It was a good thing, just like Sam had promised him it would be. He got bigger ticket things, got a bit more recognition for his services, his work, and in the process he was able to make a friend in Fragile.

...but all the while that voice in his head grew louder, more persistent. She wouldn't stop, wouldn't leave him alone, even taking to waking him in the dead of sleep to pester him, or whisper some shit in his head.

Sam was glad Higgs seemed to be enjoying his new job. It certainly kept him busy enough. 

Though he had to admit the lonely he felt now was a little heavier at times. It left him feeling hopeful, but hurt so much more than he'd imagined it could. 

When he saw a little paper note stuck to something in the back of a cave (his princess knew his routes well), he took to leaving Higgs notes. Sometimes even going as bold as to set them on top of a terminal, waiting for the recipient. 

He worked harder than before. The ache in his feet and shoulders helped distract him from the ache in his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't stay together forever, but never fear, the boys will be back together for some more extracurriculars in the next chapter~
> 
> Is all this sweetness building up to destruction? Is that Amelie's voice in Higgs' head? Am I as excited as you are to see what happens next?
> 
> Yes, to all of it.  
> Yes.
> 
> See you next time my dears~♡  
> Keep On Keeping On


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has mature content my friends~ ♡

Fragile could see her dear friend becoming more and more distant. There was something bothering him and he wouldn't talk about it, despite them barely having secrets between them. 

She wondered if it make had to do with that someone who always recieved an email when Higgs got into a center after a particularly heavy or important package. 

So, she made a quick delivery of her own, setting it on the table of his private room with a note that read: 'You've been working too hard. Take some time to use this. Have fun ♡'

Higgs stirred in his sleep, smelling the faint burn of chiralium particles in the air, singed, like after Fragile would jump to a lo-

Jumping up, he looked around before his eyes landed on the note on his table. Reading it, he couldn't help the little smile that tugged at his lips.

_You're going to see him again, aren't you? Going to message him, find him, be with him?  
What, our time together isn't good enough?_

"Shut the fuck up," he muttered, knocking at his own head in slight agitation as he pulled his clothes on.  
Going to the UI of the private room, he quickly sent out a message to Sam before scrambling around to tidy his room a bit.

'Hey Handsome Hardass Sammy boy,  
Fragile's a real doll and she gave me some time off, so if you're not over-encumbered with packages weighing you down, meet me where I've left a marker on your map. I'll be waiting~ ♡ H'

Sam got the message, feeling his heart skip just a bit at the notification sound. There was only one person who messaged him, so there was no doubt in who it was. 

Soon as he got some stable footing he opened up the email before looking to his map. 

'Heading that way. I'll be there by the end of the day. Wait up for me?' 

He sent the email, starting to move a little quicker. It had been a couple weeks since he'd seen Higgs in passing and much, much longer since they'd spent some quality time together before either of them had to rush off. 

He kept up his quickened pace, making his delivery without picking up another and made his way to the spot on his map. 

He wondered if Higgs would look different again. If he'd be taller or maybe he'd wear his hair different. Would he wear the bruises and rashes of a proper porter? Or was he at least taking care of himself? 

He let his mind wander, thinking about Higgs, wishing he'd gotten him something, or hoping their next time to visit wasn't so far apart again.

In his cleaning, Higgs came across the package left by Fragile. It had been sitting behind all of his empty cans and it was a damn good thing he decided to clean, because the contents of that box-

His cheeks were flushed a deep red as he stood in the entryway of the distro center where he was staying. He had his cape wrapped around himself, a black tank top underneath and his black pants that sat loosely on his hips.  
It had been SO long since he'd seen Sam, actually seen him. Spent a night with him and shared actual time with him that wasn't just making their way to a destination together and then, if they were lucky, sharing a meal.  
In the time they'd been apart, Higgs had taken on a lot of high priced jobs and even some jobs a bit out of his normal wheelhouse, weight wise. He'd gained a bit of muscle mass, from what he could tell, but he had also gained a couple deaths in that process.

_Cherish this, my little monster, because this will be your last. Your last spare moment of freedom. Your last-_

"Sam!" Higgs breathed, his hands going to his mouth a moment before he abandoned his place at the entrance to run at the familiar figure of his handsome hardass. He barreled himself into the other man, throwing his arms around him.

Sam laughed, lifting him up just a bit. "Jesus dude, what have they been feeding you? You grew like a weed and you're twice as heavy!" He teased, holding him tightly. 

He smelt about the same, just a little different. Maybe it was just because it had been so long since he'd seen him. He looked tired, but so very beautiful. 

He set him down, looking up at him with a dorky grin in his face. "Hi."

The young man huffed indignantly, leaning up to nip at Sam's ear before rocking back on his heels, mirroring that dorky smile with the addition of a light blush on his cheeks.  
"Hi," he breathed, feeling like with that one fucking word, his whole world was just magically fixed and whole again.

...but as that voice kept reminding him, it wouldn't be that way forever. It wouldn't last. They would have to go separate ways again and his world would shatter all over again...

_Someday, there won't be big enough pieces to put you back together, my little Humpty Dumpty._

Chewing his upper lip, Higgs let his eyes scan over Sam, taking in the sight of him. He looked weathered and tired, and like he'd trudged through mud to get here.

"I've missed you so damn much, Sam..."

Sam couldn't help but feel the warmth slip back into his body. He hadn't even realized he'd felt so numb before, heart pounding in his chest at the sight of him. Here and tangible and perfect. 

It felt like coming back to a home he didn't know he'd had. 

"Come on, let's get inside. I'm looking forward to hearing all the new stories you must have." He smiled, holding his hand out to Higgs to take.

It was like a remembered instinct, like remembering how to breathe after repatriating - Higgs took Sam's hand and wound their fingers together, a gentle smile touching his lips.

"I've got a room already, if you want to shower and relax. We can order food or head to the dining area after you get off your feet for a little while," he hummed, leading Sam down the ramp to the platform lift.

"Did you have to go past the crater to get here?"

"On the way, yeah. But I was heading this direction anyway. Seemed quiet when I was there the last time." Sam explained, following Higgs back to the room. 

"So I shower first. Do I stink or something?" He smiled, knowing that was absolutely true. It had been a while since he'd stopped anywhere. 

He was looking forward to a hot shower and then just laying around with Higgs curled up next to him. Maybe resting his head on the other man's chest.

"You smell like BTs," he shrugged, leading the way through the hall to the private room that was still under his name. "Little acidic, little muddy... it's not the worst you've ever smelled, but it isn't overly pleasant," he teased, passing his ID bracelet over the scanner to allow them entry.

Slipping into the private room, Higgs flicked the lights on.

Thankfully, his pizza box had been cleared out, and all the cans and the couple bottles he'd consumed had been taken out with the box. His spare clothes were hanging in the decontamination closet, his pack there as well.

"Make yourself at home," he hummed, plopping himself down on the edge of the bed, a nervous energy about him suddenly.

Sam smiled, watching Higgs squirm a bit, turning away and getting undressed. 

"Got grabbed by a few coming down the mountains. Couldn't see them, slipped from the rain, slid right into them." He huffed, peeling his undershirt off where he'd landed and cut his shoulder a bit. 

"I've missed you so much. You know, I saw a guy delivering a pizza and thought of you. Could barely keep you out of my head most of the time." He hummed, stepping into the shower to wash the grime from his skin.

As soon as Sam's naked form was behind the fogged glass of the shower, Higgs jumped up and slipped out of his pants and cape, hesitating with the tank top, but slipping out of that too.

"Looks like you got yourself good... want me to put something on that cut, after you've cleaned it in there?" He asked, trying to be all nonchalant, despite the pounding of his heart and the flush in his skin.

This was crazy.  
Absolutely crazy.  
He was being crazy.

...but maybe Sam liked crazy?  
He did like Higgs, after-all, and he was definitely more than a bit crazy...

Sam stood under the hot water, not sure if Higgs' voice sounded odd through the glass and spray of the water or if he'd sounded nervous. 

Sam washed up quickly, not wanting to waste any time between them. He wasn't sure when they'd be able to have this time again, and it had been a while since he'd had a hot meal with good company. 

"I've missed having someone to talk to. Kinda sound crazy talking to myself, and it's hard to-..." he froze as he turned around, eyes landing on Higgs' mostly naked body. 

His eyes were wide, mouth dry, mind going blank for the first time in a while.

Somehow, despite having grown to Sam's height, Higgs managed to look up at Sam from under those dark lashes of his, his eyes outlined in that dark color Sam so liked on him.

His cheeks were flushed, but a good majority of his body was, as he stood there chewing the inside of his cheek.

Say something cheeky or smart. Come on, Higgs...

"...is it... too much?"

Sam looked Higgs over, mouth opening and closing a few times as he took in what he was seeing. 

Higgs was wearing long socks, made of a material that looked soft to the touch. His eyes trailed up, the socks attached to something he wore around his waist, but his attention landed on the underwear. 

They were black, with a gold accent on the side and almost completely see through. He thinks he'd seen a file on a textile called lace before, but he'd never seen it in person. 

"I.... you..." he took a deep breath, feeling his body heat up, desire, actual honest want, beginning to pool down in his stomach. 

The water dripping from his hair onto his skin felt like too much, a bit overwhelming, but he wanted more. He was frozen in the spot, feeling the need to reach and touch. 

"You look... incredible... is this... for me?"

His heart felt like it might burst from his chest any moment with how quickly it pounded there, trapped like a caged bird fluttering away.

"Course it's for you, big dope..." he breathed a soft laugh, the tips of his ears burning now.

He had had eyes on him before, racking over him like burning hot coals or sharp nails. Sam's gaze was different, always had been. Those grey-blue eyes, like a cloudy sky, were suddenly so dark as they trailed over every inch of the younger man, seeming to drink him in in all the details. It was warm, and it was damn near hungry, if Higgs could put that darker look to words.

...but he wasn't afraid.

He trusted Sam with his life, his body, his everything. Whatever his Sam wanted to do with him, or to him, he knew he would submit to it, no questions asked.

"...when Fragile gave me the time off, she also gifted these to me... I've never worn something so nice before and it feels-" he swallowed heavily, sucking his lower lip between sharp teeth. "Well... you can feel for yourself, if you like...?"

Sam looked at him with wide eyes, moving anxiously to the bed, sitting down on the edge. He swallowed heavily, reaching out, starting at Higgs' foot and running his hands up his leg.

His breath was already coming in soft pants, afraid to move too rough, not wanting to ruin the fabric on accident. 

"Very... generous of her." He whispered, afraid his voice might not make a sound louder than that.

He could feel his heart pounding, feeling the heat moving down his body, flushing his cheeks and chest, heading to where he'd never felt it before. 

"Is it nice? Is this ok?" He asked anxiously, wanting to be careful with Higgs too. He was feeling things, flashes of thoughts, he hadn't had before Higgs.

He turned carefully, stepping closer to Sam once he had moved to the bed, a shudder traveling up his spine the moment Sam's warm, and work-rough hand touched him. The further he moved his hand, the farther the fire burned through Higgs' body, his breath catching in his throat.

"More than okay," he responded, his own eyes surely darker, now, as he looked to Sam, watching him. If Higgs wasn't mistaken, Sam was actually enjoying this. On a whole different level than the way he had enjoyed their private time together in the past. Something was changing in the other man and it made Higgs' heart stutter. He wanted to know what Sam was thinking, wanted to know what was making his eyes so dark.

"...talk to me, Sammy... what's on your mind?"

"You..." Sam breathed, feeling a little confused and just so...

He shifted, his thighs pushing together as his cock started to twitch just a bit. It was a strange feeling, almost pulling him away from his attention on Higgs. 

"I just... you look fantastic... like something out of those dirty magazines those nasty guys are always trying to share." He breathed a laugh, eyes slowly trailing up his body again, meeting his eyes with a warm smile. "But you... you're just so... you." 

He didn't know how to put it. Didn't know how to explain that he'd missed Higgs. That this was a huge and unnecessary surprise, but it was wonderful. Just being around him again after so long may have been enough to drive him crazy with want. Aside from that nervous look in his eye, Higgs looked so confident. 

He was so unafraid. He knew how he looked and felt good about it. But it was that soft uncertainty and complete trust that was so incredibly sexy to Sam.

"I wore this under my pants and cape, when I was standing there waiting for you to come into view..." Higgs blurted, fueled by that warmth in Sam's eyes, the encouraging look he held there. "Other than the clothes I've made for myself... I didn't realize simply wearing something like this could make me feel so different. I never even thought..." he chewed his lip, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

"I feel good in these, I feel beautiful... Attractive..." he murmured quietly.

...and, from what he could tell by just looking at Sam, watching him, he seemed attracted to Higgs.

"You are." Sam said simply, his hand resting on Higgs' hip, looking up at him. 

"It doesn't matter what you wear though. You're always beautiful and attractive to me." He hummed, enjoying that look on his face. He could really tell Higgs was starting to realize his worth. Maybe this job with Fragile was better for him than he'd thought.

"But you do look fantastic like this... I don't know how you could have just stood there, this underneath. Naughty boy, aren't you, my little princess."

An immediate warmth pooled in his chest, and were he a more self conscious being, he would be embarrassed by the outline of his swollen cock in these lacy things, pressing a wet spot into the front.

"Only for you, sugar. Only ever for you," he purred, taking that moment to lean forward and down, stealing a kiss from Sam's lips, nipping lightly at them as he pulled away slowly. "I'll admit, it was a bit breezy... was worried if I had to wait too long for you up there I might freeze," he chuckled, the sound of it a bit husky in his throat.

_Naughty boy, my little monster~_

Sam breathed a laugh, brain becoming a bit more distracted by other things. "Maybe you should come here... sit on my lap and keep us both warm?" He suggested, leaning up, trying to follow those lips. 

He could feel the fog settling into his mind like he'd seen happen to Higgs so many times before. The only thing he could focus on was the man in front of him. 

Honestly, it wasn't like anything else really mattered.

His breath caught again, his brain visibly stalling as he processed that Sam - _his Sam_ \- had just requested he _sit on his lap to keep them both warm_.

He sucked in a breath to try jumpstarting his brain, but his legs moved on their own accord - not waiting for his brain to start up again - to bring him closer to Sam. Gently, he pushed on Sam's shoulder a little to scoot him back onto the bed a bit more before holding onto that same shoulder as he straddled the other man's lap.

He felt exposed, more so than he ever really had been in front of Sam, and yet he had been naked in front of Sam before, had done far more sexual things with Sam. Yet somehow, his legs spread like this, cool air breathing through the lacy panties to his intimate bits, he felt more naked, more intimate than he ever had been.

He took a moment to settle himself in Sam's lap, pressing himself close and-

"Oh! Sam, are you...?"

Hard?

Sam felt his eyes flutter shut at the weight of Higgs on him, the soft fabric under his fingers as his hands went to his hips. A soft gasp escaping him as he shifted, rubbing himself up against Higgs just a little. 

Oh and that light friction was just too much. He gripped his hips, biting down on his lip to stop a soft moan. 

"What?" He asked, voice shaking as he did.

"You're... are you... aroused?" He breathed, his fingers digging slightly into Sam's non-cut shoulder.

He could feel Sam pressing against him, and he had been impressive before, even while relatively flaccid.

"Does that feel good?" He asked quietly, intentionally and carefully rolling his hips against Sam, a shiver running through his own body as pleasure flashed hot through his nerves.

Sam gripped him tighter, feeling his hips jerk up just a little,seeking out more of that feeling on their own. He felt a whimper leave his lips, feeling flashes of heat moving through his body. 

Higgs was leaving a wet spot on the front of his panties, but Sam was leaving one on the bottom and back where the other man rolled his hips, the fabric so soft and well textured. 

He nodded, just desperate to feel more. More of Higgs. Whatever he would let him have, he wanted to take. 

"You're so good..." he breathed, resting his head on Higgs' small shoulder.

He could feel the wet warmth, the one that wasn't his own, and his brain was reeling.

In all their time together, Sam had never actually been fully aroused. He'd tries, Higgs could tell that he had, but it had never gotten to this point and now here... he was so painfully aware of his arousal, and the fire that tingled under his skin. He wanted to feel Sam, to take everything he could while this was an option.

"...do you want me, Sammy?" He breathed, no hint of teasing in his usually coy voice, instead completely serious and gentle, just like when he had been so careful with taking from Sam.

"Always..." Sam breathed, almost begging. He couldn't think of anything he wanted more than Higgs. Nothing in his life was nearly as good as him, and he wanted all of him. 

"Please, Higgs..." he looked up at him again, eyes dark, searching for any hint of hesitation in Higgs' face. 

Instead, he found that Higgs looked just as desperate as he felt. Like they were both racing against a feeling, hoping his body could keep this up, no pun intended.

Swallowing heavily, Higgs rolled his hips against Sam against, pulling a soft groan from his own lips.

"Do you want to get me ready, or do you want to watch me do it?" He asked, biting his lower lip as he wriggled slightly in place.

"Can I watch this time... I don't want to do it wrong." Sam breathed, the way Higgs wiggled his hips made his heart stutter, pounding harder in his chest. 

"At... at least start it for me? And leave the socks on..." his face heated up, embarrassed by his request. He really just wanted to feel that soft fabric against him as he...

Holy shit. This was real. Something he'd never even considered with someone he loved so much that it hurt sometimes. He needed to do this right. He needed to make this special for Higgs. 

Because Higgs was incredibly special. Not just here and now. Not just because of what he did to him. He was just the only shining speck of light in a world so dark and cold. 

He was everything to Sam. And he only deserved to be treated like a princess.

"Oooh~ Now who's the naughty boy~?" He purred, making a bit of a show of getting up from Sam's lap and sauntering over to where he kept lubricant.

...he hoped Sam didn't ask why he had it so readily available, because he definitely wasn't going to give an intelligible answer.

Bringing himself back across the room, he pushed Sam back on the bed, until his back was against the wall. He needed room to work himself open, and he didn't want to worry about falling off the bed and breaking something.  
Before getting back on the bed, he slipped out of the lacy panties, unclipping the garters so he could leave the socks on, as per request.

Climbing up onto the bed again, he straddled Sam's legs, leaning himself forward as he dabbed some of the lubricant onto his fingers. Reaching around himself, he circled his entrance before slipping a finger inside, a shiver running through him. He was quickly able to add a second finger, to scissor his way open, dragging whimpers past his lips.

Sam watched Higgs' face, caught in awe of how he could be so beautiful. So radiant even when his make up ran down his face, smudged by the sweat on his brow. The fantastic sounds he made and the way he couldn't help but think it would feel to have him around him. In him. Part of him. Connected.

How it would feel to know that he was the reason Higgs made that face and those sounds. To be the reason he seemed so happy. 

He couldn't help his wandering fingers, feeling the lace of his socks, teasing the length of his cock, finally wrapping his arm around him to feel where his own fingers pushed into him. 

"Can I...please?" He asked hopefully, pressing his finger along side Higgs longer ones. How he still had such soft hands was incredible.

Letting out a heavy breath, Higgs nodded, pulling a whimper from himself as he let his fingers slip free from where they had been stretching.

He wasn't going to admit that he had dreamed of the day that Sam would take this from him, but... he dreamed of this moment. He dreamed of the time when Sam could be aroused and could take him and fuck him until he couldn't think anymore, couldn't form coherent sentences.

...he never thought it would actually happen, though. Never thought Sam would actually...

"Please, Sammy..."

Sam pushed one of his fingers in, quickly followed by a second. He was mesmerized by the feeling, wondering why he hadn't done just this for Higgs before. Perhaps it felt like too much of a tease for something that couldn't happen. Not now though. 

He was surprised by the warmth of him, how soft it felt, how tight of a squeeze it would be. He laughed nervously, working his fingers in the way he remembered Higgs doing to him all that time ago. 

His fingers weren't as long, but they were a little wider, and he wasn't sure what point he needed to stop. He worked a third finger in, watching the way Higgs seemed to bounce on it, taking what he wanted even now.

The third of Sam's fingers was a stretch - not extremely painful, but not the most comfortable, either. But, _god_ , did it feel just so damn good. Soft, breathy sounds tumbled from his lips as he rocked his hips back into those fingers pressing into him.

"Sammy, oh~ I'm- I'm ready. Whenever you are, I'm ready, I can take it," he breathed, his body practically vibrating with the pent up excitement and anticipation.

They were going to be whole, complete. Sam was going to fill a place in Higgs that had been left feeling empty for such a long time - and not necessarily in any lewd sense.  
It had been so long since Higgs had been able to connect to someone as closely as he connected with Sam, and now-

"Please, Sammy...I need you..."

Carefully pulling his fingers out of Higgs, he looked around for that lube he had, remembering he'd used more on himself before.

"How do you want this? You want to be on my lap? Or laying down?" He asked, surprisingly clear headed, despite how his body shook, wanting to just take. 

He wouldn't. He couldn't do that. Not to Higgs, not ever. He wouldn't be one of those men in his life. 

"This is about you... all of it." He breathed, knowing it was the truth.

"Lap. I want... I want to be in your lap, I think, please..." he murmured, breathless and squirming a bit.

With Sam's fingers removed from where they had previously been, he felt so... empty. Numb.

Shh, pretty boy. Be patient. Just a moment more and you'll get what's coming to ya.

"I want- I need to be able to see you..."

Oh how Sam wanted that too. 

He squeezed some of the lube onto himself, grabbing hold of himself and slowly, carefully pushing himself into him with a his. 

It was overwhelming in both feeling and concept. He was going to do his absolute best not to cry again, but it really was too good. 

Once he was all the way in, their bodies flat together, he pulled him close, resting their foreheads together, gasping at the feeling and trying to get used to it. 

"Oh... so perfect... you feel so good princess... how... are you ok?" He asked, voice shaking just as much as his hands.

Higgs' back was arched slightly, but he was pliant when Sam pulled them together, resting their foreheads together so that they might share breath as well as share space.  
They were one being, or as close to being one being as two beings could be.

"I love you, Sammy...oh, how I love you," he panted, the only thing he could possibly think to out to words right now.

He felt so full, so whole and complete. It was a little tight, but it wasn't anything Higgs couldn't handle. He could feel his own muscle spasms around Sam, imagining how that must feel for him, for the first time.

Another first, for Sam, and he had that honor.

Sam already failed in the not crying, tears rolling down his face at the overwhelming and rather frustrating feeling of it all. 

He was so, so close to Higgs, not only physically, that was only part of it. But sharing this feeling with him, something new and whole and beautiful... it disgusted him that Higgs wasn't given his first just like this. 

Fuck it. It was Higgs' first time. At least his first time like this with Sam. And he was going to make that count for something. 

At least he would of he could last long enough to. 

Once it got to be too much, he rolled his hips up and into him, letting a moan out and reaching up to cup Higgs cheeks, pushing a soft, wet kiss to his lips. 

"I love you too. So fucking much. I love you."

The waiting was enough to drive him mad, but when Sam finally rolled his hips and thrusted up into him, Higgs couldn't bare to hold back his moan that vibrated with Sam's. His fingers dug into Sam's shoulder, trying to steady himself as his entire body shuddered.

He'd never been particularly easy, or so he thought at least. It took at least a little work to get him off, but this time... this time he was already teetering on the edge, that warm knot in his abdomen already taut and ready to snap.

"Oh~ Oh, fuck, Sammy... sugar, please..." he panted against Sam's mouth, stealing kisses between breaths.

Sam rolled his hips again, before stopping. He pressed Higgs' shoulders back, pulling out as he maneuvered them. He moved Higgs to lay on his back, still able to look at him, but it would be so much easier to move like this. 

He stopped to just look a moment, almost wishing he could take a picture. Higgs was so flushed, his cheeks so red, lips shimmering and swollen from where he'd been biting them. He looked so vulnerable but so so comfortable at the same time. He could see that Higgs trusted him, and that was just too much. 

He pushed himself back into Higgs, gentle, and ever so slow, almost afraid of breaking him. Once he was in all the way again, he buried his face in the mans neck, pressing kisses and working up to his jaw. 

He took his hand, holding it as he finally moved his hips again, breathing out Higgs' name.

It was all pleasure, even for the split moment that it wasn't, the only thing that registered in his foggy brain was the heat and the pleasure, and some small part or him was wondering just how awful he surely looked. He could feel the smear of his makeup, but Sam, beautiful wonderful Sam, didn't seem to give it any mind.

The way Sam looked at him was like nothing else in the whole damn world mattered except here, and now, and them. Higgs could attest to feeling the same way, really.

Kisses left fires in his skin, through his nerves, making his lips tingle. Hearing his name, spoken so softly, like a breath, like a prayer from Sam's own lips, he felt himself tumbling head first, his muscles spasming as he made a mess between them.

With his free hand he covered his face as he cried Sam's name - and a few miscellaneous curses. He felt embarrassed that he'd been pushed over the edge so easily.

At the sight and feeling of Higgs tipping over the edge, he quickly followed. His hips giving a few erratic thrusts, his pleasure being taken from him before he could even register the feeling. 

Crying out Higgs' name, he felt himself lose any thoughts he might have had, collapsing down on him and holding him tight to him. His body shook for long moments after, perfect and pitiful aftershocks, his body still spilling whatever it had. 

He was still buried deep inside Higgs when the fog began to clear, his senses slipping back to him. He felt his face heat up, blood running cold as he'd realized what he'd done.

Sam's weight collapsed on top of him was a rather satisfying crushing feeling that kept Higgs' mind in a fog, even after Sam had finished spasming against him. Their muscles now were all relaxed and calmed and Higgs simply lay there, blinking slowly, languidly.

He could sleep, just like this, and if he never woke up, that would be just fine, he thought. Just fine indeed.

"...mmmm...Sammy..." he breathed quietly, lifting a heavy, noodle arm to Sam's head, gently playing with his hair. "Thank you...I love you so much..."

When there was no fight, no yelling, or anger in his voice, Sam relaxed again. He didn't want to move from him, wanted to stay right where he was, as long as he'd let him. 

"What are you thanking me for?" Sam smiled, pressing slow kisses to his cheek. "I love you too. I love you so much. I should be thanking you."

"Shu'up," he hummed, grinning sleepily as he shook his head. "Ain't got a damn thing to be thankin me for," he added, tangling his fingers in Sam's hair.

When had it gotten so long as this? He could definitely tie it back now...

"Anytime you want, anytime you can, we can do this again. Wouldn't mind," he teased quietly, letting his eyelids slip closed.

Sam laughed at the 'anytime he could', wondering if it would be possible a little more often now. He sure hoped so.

"Go to sleep... if its alright with you, I'd like to stay just like this..."he breathed hopefully, his body feeling like he was moving through honey. It was slow and thick and plesant.

"Mmm... will be a pleasant wake up, unless you move while we sleep. Then it'll be something else entirely," he purred, blinking up at Sam like a content cat.

"You'll be here when I wake up, right?" He asked quietly, knowing he was the one to leave before, but... he wanted to make sure that he hadn't scared Sam off. That this meant as much to him as it meant to Higgs.

It's not that he doubted Sam, it's that, while he was learning his own worth slowly but surely, he still had a long way to go.

"Hopefully, I won't be moving from right here..." Sam yawned, settling in and having the mind to pull the blanket around them before settling down again. 

"I love you Higgs. You know that, I know you do... it'll never be anyone but you."

"Only ever you, sugar, I can promise you that," he breathed, holding loosely to Sam as he easily drifted to sleep, content and warmed by the body above him, and the sticky mess they'd need to clean later.

...but that was a problem for future Higgs, and future Sam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL!  
> That was super fun to write


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Best friend meets the boyfriend
> 
> but
> 
> Things are going to go downhill REALLY quickly in this chapter so make sure you have something to hold on to
> 
> and if you have to take a step back, please do so  
> ♡

Sam woke in the morning, feeling their mess sticky and dry between them. He could only imagine how uncomfortable it must feel for Higgs. 

He didn't dare wake him though, just content to watch him sleep. He was a bit of a wreck, hair everywhere, dark makeup all over his face, but he wore a soft smile, even in his sleep. He couldn't believe his luck, that Higgs could love him back just as much. 

He knew life out there was hard, but knowing he had Higgs made it so much more bearable.

For once - for fucking once - in his however many days, years of existence, Higgs slept soundly. No nightmares, no voice from God, no anything but pure, blissful sleep, and the feeling of Sam so warm against him, on him, in him.

It took his a while to pull himself from sleep, his eyelids fluttering opened eventually as he groaned softly.

His body ached and he could feel the drying mess between himself and Sam, could feel the mess that his face was.

"Mm....sleep okay?" He asked, his voice rough and his mouth a bit dry.

Sam smiled and nodded, pushing kisses to the corners of his lips. "Ready for a shower?" He asked sweetly, carefully pulling out of him. It was a little rough, a just a bit arousing at the movement, but they really should clean up before getting messy again. 

Or at least eat. He knew Higgs must be starving. And he wanted to spend some time up and about with him before they had to be away from eachother again.

The feeling of Sam pulling out of him, so careful and slow drug a whine from his lips as he gripped the bed beneath him.

"Suppose nnn-" he threw his head back to let out a gasping breath. "Suppose we should get nice and clean, hm? Maybe get up and go eat," Higgs smirked softly, a brow raised. "Wear my nice things out again, under my clothes."

Sam nipped at the neck that was exposed to him with a short growl. "You would do that to me? You'd tease me like that? Make me sit through breakfast knowing?" He huffed, actually enjoying the idea. 

The tricky part would be to keep his hands off him. Now that Higgs had given him this, he wanted more. More of seeing him a mess and sharing that feeling.

Higgs' breath caught in his throat, a soft, needy whimper escaping him as a shaky smirk tugged at the corners of his lips.

"You know I would, and you know I will," he purred, digging his fingers into Sam's back a little, biting his own lower lip. "Go on and get up so we can shower, otherwise we'll never leave this room," he added, his usually light blue eyes absolutely as dark as could be.

"That sounds pretty nice if you ask me." Sam hummed, sitting up and taking Higgs' leg on his hands, slowly pulling his sock down, kissing the exposed skin. 

He looked over the bottom of his foot, making sure he was using boots properly, not hurting his feet. Satisfied at the state of it, he moved on to the other leg. 

"You know..." he started, running his hands up and down his soft thigh, feeling the muscles that hadn't been there before. "I always got caught up in this day dream of us having a bunker together, somewhere up in the mountains. I'd be lying to you I'd I said I hadn't lingered in areas just looking for the perfect spot for you."

Higgs' cheeks burned as he watched Sam so intimately move his hands over his legs, checking his feet - the bastard. Didn't think he would be taking care of his own damn self when he reprimands Sam for not taking care of his own?

The short lived spark of frustration and agitation melted away quickly when he listened to Sam, talking about finding a space for them. A spot for them to live and to be. All their own, up on the mountain.

"...I don't hate the idea... not as much as I once did," he breathed, the admitting of that feeling odd to him.

Never.  
He told himself once he would never let someone tie him down like he had been before. He would never stay inside and be trapped.  
But he knew Sam wouldn't trap him. He would be allowed to roam free, it would just be somewhere to kick off their boots and be together.

Sam breathed a laugh, pushing a kiss to the bottom of his foot, happy to see they were both fine. Not a scratch on either.

He got himself up, offering his hand to Higgs, leading him to the shower. 

"You know I wouldn't keep you there... it would just be somewhere you could call your own. Somewhere you could know where to find me if I ever get too tired of this delivering packages nonsense." He hummed, enjoying the idea of watching Higgs coming home.

Home. What an odd concept he used to be so uncomfortable with.

With his cheeks warm, Higgs took Sam's hand, accepting his help up. "Best wash your damn lips before I kiss you again, kissing my nasty feet," he muttered, chewing the inside of his cheek.

"...and I know you wouldn't keep me there. I know you wouldn't, because I know you know I'd kick your ass before I let anyone, even you, keep me inside forever," he sighed, leaning himself a bit against Sam.

But he wasn't sure that was the truth anymore. His opinion on being kept indoors had already changed so drastically from his original thoughts, so who was to say it wouldn't change further? Who was to say he wouldn't happily live the rest of his days in a bunker in the mountains with Sam?

Sam stole a quick kiss to Higgs' lips, just to piss him off before pulling him into the shower.

"You know... I'm glad you are the most obnoxious man I'd ever met with no shame to talk to strangers." He teased, knowing that whatever they had would be the closest thing to forever that Sam could think of. 

He just couldn't imagine sharing himself like this with anyone else. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to, even if this did come to an end.

He caught Sam's lip with his teeth, for good measure, before dipping his head under the spray of the shower, letting himself melt into the warmth of it.

"What were we gonna do, just sit there in the fucking cave together and NOT talk? What kind of boring bullshit is that?" He laughed, looking to Sam and realizing they were eye to eye now.

When had he grown to be so tall? When did he catch up to Sam?

"We go again, and I'd still talk to your Hardass self. Would still call you a Handsome Hardass. And I wouldn't walk out into the Timefall."

"Good... I don't want you aging too quick." Sam sighed, wrapping his arms around him and just rocking them. 

"Take your time with that, I'm not done with you yet." He pushed a kiss to his cheek, happy to just hold him for the rest of their bathing.

With a blissful smile on his face, Higgs leaned back against Sam, just breathing and feeling. It was nice to just be, and not have to go anywhere or pretend to be someone he wasn't.  
With Sam, he felt so safe and so at peace.

The water washed away all of their activities and left them both fresh and clean, ready to go get messy again should they choose.

"Should I wear the stockings too, sugar? Really get you all bothered while we're eating in front of all your coworkers?"

"Like you wouldn't love that." Sam laughed, a bit of an snort as he pulled his own clothes on out of the shower. 

"You do what you want anyway. Suprise me. Either way, knowing you might be is enough of a distraction... any time I see you you know I'll be wondering if you're wearing them." He huffed, shaking his head. 

As if Higgs needed any more power over him.

Higgs couldn't help the soft smirk as he stepped out of the shower after Sam, making a show of pulling his lacy things on before putting on his pants and tank top, decidedly not wearing his cape just to go for food.  
He did, however, go to the mirror and put the dark lines around his eyes again.

"I'd say, just assume that I'm always wearing them. Especially when I'm sending you messages."

Sam rolled his eyes, a warm smile still on his face. "You're always sending me messages." He teased lightly. He always loved getting messages from Higgs. Just knowing he was out there somewhere.

"I'll have to send you new ones if you wear those ones that much." He hummed, liking the sound of that.

His breath caught a little as he sucked his bottom lip to his sharp teeth, his light blue eyes glittering and going a bit dark.

"Oooh~ Gonna pick out nice ones for me, sugar? Picture me in em before you get em," he purred, winking teasing as he did a little twirl. "I could send you pictures, keep you nice and warm out there in the cold, cruel world," he added as he turned on his heel and made his way to the door.

"You..." Sam blushed brightly, not wanting to argue with that. It wasn't like he wouldn't enjoy it. And it would probably be great for Higgs too.

"Do you have a favorite color?" He asked feeling his cheeks heat up, watching the way Higgs chips seemed to sway when he walked. The bastard.

"You mean other than my aesthetic colors of black and gold?" He asked, throwing a look over his shoulder, a brow raised.

This was the most skin he had shown in public in a long time. His arms exposed and his chest not covered by the front of his cape.  
...but instead of feeling self conscious, he felt so confident, so beautiful. Because Sam thought he was, and encouraged him to feel that way.

"I swear to God herself if you tell anyone what I'm about to tell you, Sam Porter Bridges, I will never spend alone time with you again-" Okay, that was a stretch, but it was the best threat he had, since death was meaningless... "-...it's pink. I love bright pink. It's such a nice compliment to black, and it isn't awful with my gold tones, but... I just like it."

"Pink!?" Sam asked in shock, not at all the answer he was expecting. 

He looked him over, imagining pink on Higgs' skin. A light pink, it would compliment the scar tissue on his pale skin, it would really bring out that icy blue of his eyes, and would match that beautiful color he got when Sam would get him worked up. He tilted his head, giving an approving nod. 

"Pink it is, princess." He hummed, moving next to Higgs to leave the room.

"And who am I gonna tell? You're the only one I talk to." He laughed, pushing him with his shoulder.

Higgs threw another glance to Sam, his brow raised. "You could be talking to whoever you pass," he replied, huffing. "Plus, you talk to yourself all the time while out there, anyone could hear you talking about me liking pink!" He hissed, keeping his voice down, like it was a huge life changing secret or something.

They finally made it to the cafeteria area, and quite a few heads turned to look at the two men coming in.

Unlike last time, he didn't shy away from the looks, didn't try to hide. He held his head high and sauntered to the plates to grab one.  
"You gonna give me shit if I don't eat something other than pizza, ain't cha, sugar?"

"At least eat a vegetable." Sam shook his head. He noticed the change in Higgs' attitude, saw his head held high even though he wasn't as covered as he usually was. 

It was driving him a little crazy, wondering if this was because his secret under his clothes, or if he had gained a confidence during their time apart. 

He couldn't stop himself, letting his hand come to rest in a companionable manor at the small of his back as they made their way to a table.

The warm feeling of Sam's hand at his back, with so few layers of clothes on and in public view had Higgs' heart skipping. He had to remind himself to breathe and not drop his plate of pizza and... ugh, celery.

"This shit is ribbed for no one's pleasure," Higgs muttered as he took his seat across from Sam.

_They're watching you. Can't you feel their eyes, drinking you in?_

Sam smiled, just watching Higgs get comfortable, shifting for a moment as if his confidence faltered. 

He put his hand, palm up on the table, hoping he'd take it and hold it, just like he used to. 

"You don't have to eat it if you don't like it. There are other vegetables... and thanks for that... I liked celery."

A smirk tugged at his lips as he automatically reached out to take Sam's hand, resting his own in it like it was second nature to breathing.

"Nothing goes with pizza except more pizza, Sam," he sighed, finishing off a whole slice and a half already.

As he was shoving another bite in his mouth, a familiar crackling smell filled the air, and goddammit he recognized that leather jumpsuit anywhere.

"Higgs, come up for air already?"

Sam turned, feeling the heat in his cheeks, pulling his hand away to be polite. He could recognize her from the stories people told. 

She looked kinder than he'd imagined, but maybe that was only for Higgs. She obviously had a soft spot... or maybe she'd hoped the underwear would be for her. 

He couldn't help the flash of jealousy in his stomach, turning his attention to his plate. 

She was the one Higgs had been spending most of his down time with these days.

Higgs peeked up at Fragile, a sheepish grin on his face as he chewed and swallowed his food, a little flash of upset and cold going through him.

"Have to eat sometime, you know my appetite," he chuckled, throwing a glance towards Sam, that smile faltering slightly.

"That I do. Does he?" She asked, gesturing towards the man that looked oddly familiar somehow. "Oh! ...shit, sorry, interrupting. Just thought I'd say hello while I was here. I'm heading to Lake Knot and wasn't sure whether I'd see you for a while," she leaned on the table slightly, her gaze focusing in on Sam.

"If you're the one he never shuts up about, take care of him while I'm gone, would you? Keep him out of trouble."

Sam shot a look at Higgs, wondering what he could have said about him. He felt amused and a little embarrassed at the thought if being the topic of conversation. 

Though his jealousy faded away at this. 

"Him? I'll try my best, but once he gets his mind made up..." he gave her a playful shrug, turning his attention back to Higgs, letting his hand rest on his leg. 

Which was a bad idea because he could feel the hem of his sock through his pants.

Sucking his lower lip between his teeth, Higgs noticed the darkness that seeped into Sam's gaze as the warmth of his fingers traced the hem of the lacy sock beneath his pants. A soft smirk tugged his lips as he pulled his gaze away to look up at Fragile.

"Stubborn as a mule, me. Thought you'd know that by now?"

Shaking her head, Fragile sighed. "I suppose I do know that, yes, but I appreciate the offer of your best. I've heard great things, though there's always a chance Higgs could be exaggerating," she teased, a brow raised slightly. "Good to meet you, though. Perhaps we'll meet again another time," she added before giving Higgs' mostly bare shoulder a squeeze and walking away.

"...so that's Fragile..." Higgs hummed, his gaze slipping back to Sam, wondering where his mind was.

Sam blinked a few times, trying to bring his attention back. He decided to keep running his thumb along the hem of the sock, knowing it might not be his best idea in public. 

"She seems nice. She's good to you?" He asked, looking him over. "She looks... warmer than what people say about her." He hummed, tilting his head and shooting Higgs a playful look.

"You talk about me?"

Higgs' cheeks were warm, for more reasons than simply Sam's question.

"Yes she's- she's good to me. We've become pretty good friends, actually, but don't let that warmth distract you. It's only for me - she's a hardass leather le- uh... leader? with everyone else. She keeps a tight ship, except for me, I suppose," he chuckled softly, his toes curling in his boots.

"...course I talk about you. Only to her, though."

"She better watch herself. I don't have any qualms about hitting a woman." He teased lightly, letting his fingers trail up, just a bit on his inner thigh before pulling his hand away. 

"And like it or not, you're mine." He hummed, meaning it as a joke but liking the sound of it. Maybe it was a little too harsh, given Higgs' past, but he didn't mean it like that.

"And I'm yours and it'll take a lot more than a pretty lady in leather for you to get rid of me."

"No competition, sugar, _trust_ me," he breathed, his voice a tad higher than usual as his heart pounded in his own ears.

_It's so easy to rile you up... A little sad, isn't it?_

"This was meant to be teasing torture for you, I didn't realize that ah... it would backfire as much as it has," he muttered, taking a bite of his last slice of pizza.

"Has it? Because I think this is pretty... hard on me too." He hummed, turning to his own plate, quickly finishing his own food. 

"You're almost done... maybe I should get something nice to wear. Even the playing field." He teased lightly, wondering what that would even look like, or if Higgs would like that.

Hard on.  
Oh lord.

Higgs' ears were burning and he dropped his slice to his plate, burying his face in his hands, letting out a groan that was far louder than intended.  
People were staring.

"You're such a _jerk_ ," he breathed in a hiss through the muffling of his hands. "Surprise me, next time."

"Surprise you? Can't say pink would look good on me, but I do like blue." He smirked, watching Higgs have his moment. 

"Maybe we should head back to the room? Unless you're not done yet." He kept his voice low enough so no one could hear, and that it was still soft enough to tease.

Higgs peeked through his fingers at Sam, a soft growl rumbling from him.

"Tease," he breathed, grabbing up his plate and pushing himself up. He paused, taking in the eyes on him via his peripheral.

Sucking in a breath, Higgs sauntered, hips swaying sinfully, to throw away his plate, knowing Sam would follow him, unless he stayed behind to kick in teeth of those staring at Higgs' ass.

Sam got up, shooting a glare at one of the guys who looked just a little too long for his taste. 

He followed Higgs out like a little puppy, probably willing to follow him where ever he went.

He made his way down the halls, directly back to the private room he and Sam were currently sharing, waiting for Sam in the doorway.

Once the door shut behind them, and locked, Higgs pushed Sam against the door, cupped each side of his face in his hands and kissed him, a bit roughly.

Sam gasped at the sudden surprise of being forced against the door, his concern gone when he realized he was being kissed.

He kissed back, one hand going to Higgs' neck and the other going to his hair, pulling just enough to hear the other man hiss at the feeling.

The tug and the blissful sting from it sent a shiver through Higgs' body, pressed against Sam.

"Think I was more aroused in there than you were. Entirely against my original plan," he chuckled breathily against Sam's lips, gently nipping his bottom lip playfully.

A dark part of his mind wanted so badly for Sam to press a bit harder against his neck, pin him to the wall that way, or the floor, or- oh, fuck...

"What are you thinking about?" Sam asked, pulling his hair just a bit to angle his head to see him better. 

"What do you want from me?" He asked, voice low, his thumb tracing along his jaw line.

He submitted easily, letting his head be guided to tilt to the side a bit. His gaze was almost far away as he looked to Sam, his breathing shallow and stuttering.

"I... I'm afraid to say," he admitted quietly, licking his lips, sucking his bottom lip between his teeth.

"Please? You know you can trust me." Sam whispered, his grip going soft, running his fingers through his hair. 

"I'll give you anything you want."

_He'll hate you, you know. Look at you differently. I wouldn't, you know. I would happily grant you a slow rele-_

Higgs reached up and touched Sam's hand that was at his throat. "Tighter, harder. I..." he looked down, a sudden feeling of shame running warm through him, bubbling dark tears to his eyes.  
"I was thinking about you pinning me anywhere and everywhere by my throat and squeezing...."

"You... want me to..." Sam squinted, trying to understand what Higgs wanted. "You want me to choke you?" He asked, still a little confused, but curious. 

He could see the tears in his eyes, afraid to upset him. He wouldn't personally enjoy doing that, probably... but he would enjoy Higgs having a good time. 

He made the decision to squeeze just a bit, hand still soft and gentle on his throat, just pressing a bit. 

"Would that feel good to you? You want me to be rough?"

It stung a little, hearing what he felt was Sam judging him for his want.

_He thinks it's weird, that you're weird. Crazy, even. And you are, aren't you my precious? Crazy._

...but then a gentle pressure pushed on his airway and his eyelids fluttered slightly, before he focused and looked back to Sam, searching his face.

"...it's okay if you... if you can't," he murmured quietly, shaking his head ever so slightly. "It was a stupid request, a... a stupid thought. I shouldn't have..."

_Stupid little Higgs, always speaking when he should just be a good boy and stay silent. Seen, not heard._

Sam chewed his lip, still feeling unsure about this. He didn't want to hurt him, and he really didn't want to upset him, make him relive any unwanted memories. 

"No... not stupid. If its something you want, I want to give it to you." Sam reassured, moving his hand a bit, reapplying the pressure to his airway. 

"Like this?" He asked, hand still gentle, his back still to the door. "Talk me through it, you know I like hearing your voice. And you're so hot when youre bossy..."

The pressure returned and a slight high feeling made his mind a little floaty as his cheeks went warm.

"Hot when I'm bossy?" He teased, his voice only slightly airy. "Like that, though, yes... but tighter. Trust me, I can take it. Whatever you've got, Sammy, I can take it."

_Even his hatred? Can you take that, my precious?_

Sam held him by his throat, turning them and pressing Higgs against the door now, hand still on his throat. 

It wasn't much, but it was enough to make his breathing a little difficult. He pushed a kiss to his mouth, licking at his teeth and the roof of his mouth. 

"Now what, princess?"

Already his mind felt hazy, and the voice was harder to hear, even though she certainly kept trying. It was like a scratching against his brain, but the haze that this lack of oxygen was bringing made the itch bearable.

"...break me, Sammy. I need you to break me."

"Break you? I don't know if I... what if I hurt you?" Sam asked nervously, letting up on Higgs' throat. "You'd tell me to stop if it's too much... right?" He asked hopefully, wanting to give him this. 

It really did seem like something he needed. He didn't just want it, it looked like it would hurt him more not to have Sam do this for him. What was going on inside his head? He'd noticed something troubling him, but thought nothing of it until now.

But now wasn't the time either.

"Hurt me, I don't care," he breathed, looking to Sam with such desperation in his blue eyes.

This hadn't been what he intended, when he took time away with Sam, it hadn't been what he'd intended when they were walking back to this room.  
But he needed this, despite knowing it might tear them apart, push Sam away from him, have Sam thinking he was nuts.

He was desperate to keep that voice at bay, just for a little while. He hadn't had a silent moment to himself in what felt like forever, but had really only been 152 days. Sleep was becoming less and less restful - except the sleep he had with Sam. She was invading every aspect of his time, his day, his fucking life.

"If it's too much, I'll tell you to stop, but I very highly doubt anything you could do to me would be too much, sugar," he breathed.

_You can't run away from me, Higgs. You can't hide. You're merely delaying the inevitable..._

Sam hesitated, taking Higgs' hand and bringing him over to the bed. He sat the younger man down, settling him on the bed, undressing him down to his panties again. 

He was trying to tell himself that Higgs could handle it. That he couldn't really kill him. 

The thought made his stomach tighten, holding down and hiding the sick feeling that came along with it. 

He couldn't be like the other men in Higgs' life. He didn't want to be part of that history, those memories. He didn't want to leave a scar on his body that couldn't be erased. Not even on accident. 

But he could see the desperation there. He could see the need, hiding in his big wet eyes. He could see the tears threatening to run his makeup and spread those black tears down his face. 

He swallowed all his concerns, giving Higgs one last gentle look over, making a last minute decision if he was really going to do this or not. 

He could never say no to him...

In a flash of judgement, acting before he could change his mind, he pushed him back onto the bed, quickly straddling him and putting his hands around Higgs' throat. He pushed, still not enough to do any damage, and probably not quite what he wanted either.

Sam was so gentle, so soft and so goddamned loving. Higgs hated that he was asking this of him, felt guilty that the only one he could turn to for this was the softest, most gentle and loving man he knew. The person that trusted him the most, and that he trusted most in return.

...it had to be Sam, there was no one else.

When Sam gave him that soft look, it was like suddenly a switch was flipped. He was pressed into the bed before he even realized what was happening, that pressure being applied to his throat. It wasn't absolutely crushing, and he certainly wasn't going to die any time soon from it, but for the moment it was enough. It was enough to banish Her voice again, temporarily.

He instinctively struggled slightly beneath Sam, beneath the weight of him, but the blissful silence in his head brought a peace to him that he didn't dare to explain.

His hands started shaking when Higgs began to struggle against, fear in his own eyes. He felt tears starting down his cheeks, pulling his hands away after fighting himself. 

He couldn't do it like this. He couldn't stand that fog in Higgs' eyes like this. 

He jumped off him, pacing the room a minute to calm his nerves. 

"I can't do it... there has to be something else we can do... maybe a different way for me to..."

Clenching his jaw, Higgs dug his fingers into the bedsheets a moment, a frustration building inside of him.

"I'm open to suggestions, darlin, but not a whole lot clears the brain like a good ol lack of oxygen," he breathed, sitting up to watch Sam pace.

He was stressing the other man out, making his anxious, making him-

_Hate you.  
He's going to hate you by the time this is all over and done with and you'll have gone through it all just for a few moments without me?  
...my poor thing, so desperate._

Higgs felt his body trembling, whether from anger or fear or.. or he wasn't sure. His knuckles were white where he was clenching the bed.

Sam looked at him, wiping the tears off his face. "I don't know... you're the one that wanted this... but I can't do it like that, I'm sorry... there has to be something else I can do for you..." he begged, moving to the edge if the bed and kneeling next to him. 

He could see the other man getting angry and it didn't make sense to him. 

"Baby, princess I tried... I can't hurt you like that. You know I promised you I wouldn't be like them..."

"It's not like them!" He exclaimed, squeezing his eyes closed as he clenched his jaw. "Didn't fuckin ask for it with them. Didn't fuckin need to get outta my own fuckin head, then. Didn't work that way," he breathed, shaking his head as he kept a firm grip on the bed.

_You didn't have me, then. Didn't have him, either, but we both know, between the two of us, who will stay with you until the end. Don't we, my precious monster?_

"Not a fuckin monster," he hissed, releasing the bed with one hand in favor of hitting the side of his own head, much like he had in front of Sam the first time they shared a room. "Not your fuckin monster, not nobody's. I'm not... I'm not a... I'm just tryin to make it stop! I just need it to stop," he cried, hitting his head again with the butt of his palm.

Sam grabbed Higgs' wrist, pulling it away from him just like he had the first time. He pulled it to his lips, pressing kisses to his knuckles. 

"You need what to stop? Higgs you're scaring me... what's wrong?" He breathed looking up at goin with wide eyes. "I just... I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong, love..." he kept his voice soft, afraid to upset him any more.

Higgs' body was trembling uncontrollably, all of his muscles tensed.  
"I can't... I can't tell you. I can't, I can't, I can't..." he breathed, shaking his head as he squeezed his eyes closed.  
He couldn't stand that look in Sam's eyes. Couldn't stand his worry, his fear, his _fucking_ concern.

_He wouldn't believe you anyway, silly boy. Wouldn't believe you could hear the voice of the End in your head. What would make you so special?_

"I can't tell you because you can't help and you can't help because I can't tell you. Vicious fucking cycle. Life's a vicious fucking cycle. She's a vicious fucking-"

_Watch it._

"Can't be helped, darlin, can't be helped. Just need out of my own fuckin head and I can't even fuckin escape to sleep anymore. It's always so fUCKING LOUD and I CAN'T do this... I can't..."

Sam had no idea what was going on, none of it making any sense to him. But he was going to try and do what he could. 

He pulled Higgs down to him, wrapping his arms around him tightly, burying his face in his hair, holding his head to his chest. He rocked him, quietly praying that he'd be ok. Wishing he knew what to do. How to make it all better.

_He's praying for you, Higgs. Praying to fix you, because you're broken and now he knows it. Has no idea what to do with you. Damaged goods, he can just spray them. Can't spray you, can't fix you. So he resorts to praying. Ironic, isn't it my precious boy?_

Frustration bubbling over as dark tears stained down his cheeks, Higgs struggled against Sam's hold, fighting to get away from him without hurting him.

"Stop! Stop this isn't _helping_! Fueling the fuckin fire with gasoline doesn't put the damn thing out, it keeps the flames burning until there's fuckin nothing left. I don't need your damn pity, your fuckin misguided prayers. I need quiet, I need it to stop and to just be quiet, to just..." the trembling was getting worse, and he brought a hand to his head, tugging at his own hair and pounding at the side of his head. "I'm so tired, Sammy, so damn tired, I just want it to stop, to be quiet, and I _need_ you. Need you. You're the only one- only one that can do it."

Sam looked up at him, letting him go, scared and confused. He had no idea how to help Higgs. He must have caught a bug or... could DOOMs get worse over time? Probably with how often he had gone to the Seam.

"Do what? Please tell me what you need me to do." He begged, still sat on the floor just wanting to be stop how to stop this for Higgs. How to make it better. 

"But I won't hurt you. I just can't. I love you too fucking much to do that to you."

"Then I don't _need_ you!" He shouted, pushing himself away from Sam, curling in on himself as his body shook like any moment he might actually explode. "There's nothing else that pulls me out, nothing else that makes it go quiet, nothing. _Nothing_ ," he hissed, hitting his own head again.

_If he loved you, he would know what to do. He would know how to help you, to fix you. He would just know.  
...or maybe he does know. Maybe he just doesn't love you enough to give a damn. Maybe he likes watching you suffer._

"STOP!" He cried, pulling at both sides of his head, his black tears streaking down his cheeks. "...please....please make it stop..." he whimpered, rocking himself, now, as Sam had been doing a few moments ago.

Sam blinked, feeling his blood going cold at the words. "You don't mean that... I know you don't mean that." He breathed, not really sure if Higgs meant it or not. 

"You probably have chiralium poisoning. We can get you to a doctor if I have to carry you there myself." He offered, moving closer and reaching out to Higgs. "We can get you through this... we're can try. I know you still love me."

_He's going to have you locked up in a padded cell. Do they still have those somewhere? Can anyone even be arrested anymore?_

Higgs pulled himself away from the outstretched hand, his breath hitching. "No... no. No, nononononoNO!" He shouted, crawling under the bed, pressing his back to the wall. "I can't... I can't do this. Can't..." he breathed, now hitting his head against the floor, letting dark blood mix with his even darker tears.

_If you're going to break my toy, at least do it properly so you come back nice and new._

Sam freaked out, grabbing Higgs by the foot and pulling him out from under the bed. The younger man was struggling, kicking and fighting, still banging his head. 

But the time he pulled him out... it was horrible. His head was so damaged his face was barely recognizable. It was the worst thing Sam had ever seen. 

He knew he couldn't let him die like this, but the damage was already done. He was losing blood too quick, but not enough to die.

Without thinking, Sam pulled the golden knife off the table where it had been set earlier and dragged it across his throat to end the horrific suffering. The way Higgs would have died would have possibly caused lasting brain trauma. He told himself he had to do it.

He dropped the knife, looking down at Higgs still body, hands shaking and heart pounding. 

He was covered in the dark red, almost black of his partner's blood.

He felt his stomach empty, turning away from Higgs while he wretched, heaving until nothing could come up. 

Aside from the shaking his own mind went quiet. It was only telling him to run. It was the only thing his legs would allow him to do. By the time he'd realized what had happened, he'd been walking through the day, the sun already going down, leaving his blood soaked hands freezing cold. He felt numb. 

He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to see him again.

_Blissful silence.  
The ground was softer beneath him and there was a sound of moving water, waves lapping at-_

_Eyelids shooting open, Higgs say up quickly, looking around himself._

_Beach.  
But it wasn't his Beach._

_'It's mine.'_

_Higgs froze, his eyes wide as he turned slowly, his eyes falling on a woman with long dirty blond hair, wearing a red dress and a glinting golden necklace._

_'My Beach. Sam killed you,' she hummed, tapping her cheek as she looked over her precious little broken puppet. He was such a good boy, and he didn't even know it. Everything he did played into her plans. Sam was isolated, now, alone, and so was Higgs._

_'He wouldn't... He wouldn't have done it unless it was necessary. He would never hurt me, like that. Would never...'_

_'And yet here you are, my dear,' she purred, stepping closer to him, closing the distance as she reached out to cup Higgs' chin. 'You'll have a lovely scar across your own throat. An interesting choice, when he couldn't even squeeze you tight in his hands...'_

_Higgs dropped to his knees in front of her, her fingers under his chin to lift his icy gaze to her. 'Be a good boy, won't you Higgs? Don't try to run away from me again, or it won't be your life that gets taken next time. Your punishment will be far worse, so tread carefully, do as you're told.'_

_He lower his gaze, nodding as he felt her crouch before him. 'That's my good boy,' she hummed, brushing the backs of her fingers along Higgs' cheek before reach out to attach something to him._

_'This quipu will keep you connected to me, more than we are already. Your next mission will require it, so don't you even think of taking it off. I'll know. I always know,' she breathed, pressing her hand to Higgs' chest, where his heart would be. 'Wake up, Higgs.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You okay? Because I wasn't okay, and I don't think mewsifer was okay either.
> 
> Pretty sure we destroyed each other with this section...
> 
> and it doesn't really get better from here, I'm afraid  
> so stay strapped in for when the next chapter drops  
> ♡


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter one, but here's another chapter for you~
> 
> some best friend gal pal bonding between Fragile and Higgs
> 
> ...and then things start going thermonuclear  
> whoopsie daisy~
> 
> Careful - contents are fragile~♡

"Higgs! Higgs wake up, please! Higgs!"

Fragile's voice was the first thing he heard as he returned to the world, turning away from her to commit up that dark and sticky tar, the same substance that also stained his cheeks.

"Fragile...?" He breathed, his voice hoarse. "Fragile where's- where am I? What happened...?"

Fragile felt her hands shaking, leaning forward to rest her head on Higgs' shoulder, relief flooding her body at the sound of him breathing again. 

"You weren't answering your messages so I came to you. Do you know how long you were out? What do you remember?" She asked, feeling that panic still in her voice, but slowly fading. 

"Where's your boyfriend? Did he do this to you?"

Sucking in a breath, Higgs sat himself up against the bed, blinking as he looked around. "What day is it?" He asked, clearing his throat and wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand.

Time on the Beach moved differently than real world time, so he couldn't be sure how the time had passed with his body laying there on the floor of the private room.

"It was my fault... I couldn't get out of my head," he murmured, looking down at his hands, noticing the slight tremble to them.

_He left you. Just like I told you that he would. Ran, and left you for dead._

"Its Wednesday." Fragile answered simply, standing and getting him some water from the sink. "Here. Drink." 

She sat back down, watching carefully. "You... he tried to kill you?"

"...2 days," he murmured quietly, his heart aching in his chest and a throbbing pain starting to pound in his head.

Taking the water, he took a few sips of it, tasting like iron the first few times, the left over blood in his mouth.  
"I tried to kill me, and he gave me mercy," he sighed, blinking slowly, trying to tame his breathing, the pain.

"I...he probably will never want to see me again... I really messed up, doll."

She frowned, sitting across from him on the floor. "He knew, then? That you'd be back?" She asked curiously, her hands gently resting on his leg.

They were both rather affectionate creatures, but it seemed as if he needed something to ground him. 

"I'm sure murder is the worst way to break up with someone."

"Oh yeah, he knew I'd be back. I told him my death count pretty much our first meeting? ...or our second. Can't remember," he sucked in another breath, his gaze looking a little distant, like all of himself hadn't come back when he had been revived.

"Mercy killing is different from murder, but I think it hurts more, actually. Would've preferred vengeful anger, murder of passion."

_You scared him far away, my darling monster. He won't be coming back for you any time soon, if he didn't return for you in 2 days._

"...you have any jobs you need to get to or... or can you stay with me for a little while...?"

"Like I'm going anywhere... I thought I lost you for good this time." Fragile frowned, giving his leg a gentle squeeze. 

"Let's call for some food. You could use some soup and some tea..."

"Not gonna try feeding me one of those fuckin grubs?" He teased gently, letting his head fall back onto the bed, reaching out to touch her hand, running his fingertips over the cool feel of it.

"M' sorry, Fragile. I know I've been...wrong, lately. Think a girl's night is what I need, though. Been stuck on the fuckin Beach and in the damn Seam for what feels like years."

She frowned, knowing how terrifying the Beach was on your own. 

"Maybe they'll have chocolates in this god forsaken city." She teased lightly, getting up and sending a message to someone to bring some things to them. 

"Your deadbeat boyfriend ever do that?" She teased lightly, holding his hand. "Are you angry with him? You said it wasn't violent, maybe he freaked out because he'd never done that before."

"He had me bring strawberries back to our room once... turned into something a bit more, though," he snickered, feeling warmth flood back into the cold and numb places in his chest. His smile faltered slightly as he chewed his lips, considering.

"...I'm not angry with him, no. I was asking something too much of him and then... lost myself. It isn't the first time I've resorted to dying over listening to the shit in my head, and it won't be the last... but it will be the last that I ask it from him," he sighed, running his spare hand over his face, scrunching his face in a bit of disgust when it came back smeared with black.

"What kinda friend are you, letting me sit here when I must look like absolute shit."

"The good kind, to let you look like shit. You're also in your underwear, but I was going to let you get to that fact on your own." She teased lightly, letting go of him. 

"Take a shower. I'll be right here."

Higgs' cheeks flushed bright red as he covered his face, shaking his head. "Oh God! As if dying and you being the one to find me wasn't bad enough!" He whined, throwing his head back against the bed again, his hands still covering it.

"...least you know I got use out of your gift?" He asked, peeking between his fingers to look at her, a smirk tugging at the corner of his lips.

"Hopefully so did your big hunky boyfriend." She teased, letting him throw his fit. "They're cute. But you've got nothing I want." She smirked, getting up to sit on the bed. 

"Bathe. You smell like death and look like shit." She hummed, giving him an amused look, trying to hide the concerned one. 

She sat down, starting to make herself more comfortable, getting out of her porting clothes.

"Love you too," he huffed, pushing himself up and easily slipping out of the panties and stockings, a flash of intimate memory bringing a pang to his heart. He stopped in his tracks a moment, squeezing his eyes closed so he could regain his composure.

Getting into the shower, he let the water run over him, washing away the black tar from his face and any other mess that might have been left behind.

"...do you think he hates me now?" He asked, his voice sounding impossibly small, like a young boy asking his big sister something important, but not. "...is he even still really my boyfriend? Were we even fuckin boyfriends to begin with? ...we never really... put a label on it..."

Fragile frowned, laying back on the bed now, knowing they should get a different room when he came out. There was still blood on the floor. 

"Did you love him?"

"...still do," he admitted, resting an arm against the shower wall, and his head against his arm as he felt tears burning in his eyes.

"He said he loved me, too... we were good together. He made me... he made me feel good about myself. You know, before I met you and had you boosting my self esteem, too," he chuckled. "If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have even requested to be apart of Fragile Express."

"Then it doesn't matter what you were. You don't need to label what you had." She sighed heavily, looking up at the ceiling. 

"It was important. You should send him a message. Not now, but sometime. Just to let him know you're ok... or I can."

"Do you even know his name?" He asked with something of a breathy laugh as he turned the water off, letting the shower dry him before he stepped out.

"...what if he doesn't want to hear from me, doll? What if that was too much for him and that was it for us?"

"You never told me his name. Always called him hardass." She laughed quietly, turning to look at Higgs.

She couldn't stand that sad look in his eyes. She didn't have siblings, and Higgs was the closest she'd gotten. Even her father liked him.

"There's only one way to find out."

"Handsome Hardass Sam the Delivery Man," he hummed, padding across the room towards the decontamination closet to get his spare clothes.  
His body didn't hold its usual saunter, he moved like he was tired, like he was as empty as he felt.

"...should I message him in the morning, you think? Tomorrow...?"

"Whenever you're ready." She sat up, watching him move. He looked hollow. He looked like the worst she'd ever seen him. 

"I'm sure Sam feels just as guilty."

"Knowing him, yeah... probably getting his damn self into all sorts of trouble..." he murmured as he pulled his clothes on. He turned and padded back to the bed, flopping beside Fragile.

"I don't want to message him yet. Is that bad?"

Fragile pulled him close to her, letting him rest his head on her chest. "I can't imagine the emotion attached to knowing that your partner was capable of doing such a thing to you."

Higgs rested his body against her, letting his eyes slip closed.

"It's... confusing. I guess it's nice to know that if I ever got myself into a bind and a quick and painless death wasn't an option I could grant myself but one I could ask him for, and knowing he feasibly _could_ do it for me...?" Higgs shrugged, looking up to Fragile, carefully. "...but it's... will he run away every time? Not that I plan to get myself into so much trouble that he has to continually kill me, but..."

"I really don't think this is something you could ask him for a second time." She sighed, wrapping her arm around him. 

"He's not used to the terrible things the world does. You have to be gentle with him. He's fragile." She smirked at her own bad joke.

Higgs smacked her shoulder gently, huffing. "He's a repatriate too," he grumbled, wrapping an arm around her middle. "He's been a porter for longer than I have been free from the fuckin bunker," he added, staring at the wall.

She was right, though... Sam wasn't used to terrible things, not the same way he was.

"Oh, so he likes his boys young? You were getting too old for him anyway then." She teased lightly, trying to see even a hint of a smile on his face. 

"If he really loves you, he'll at least want to talk to you. But you may have to accept that he'll be pretty skittish at first."

"Shuddap," he huffed, smacking her shoulder again as he breathed a laugh. "He thought I was an idiot kid at first, and I thought he was a jerk. Real match made in fuckin heaven, we are," he hummed. "So I've already met him as a skittish thing," he sighed, chewing his lower lip.

He wanted to message Sam. Wanted to hear from him, to know he was okay, alive...

"Well, you are an idiot kid... and he might be a jerk. I don't know him well enough. But you're going to have to be careful with him now." She sighed heavily, not really wanting to cross a line.

"He might be afraid to be around you for a bit. Could you handle that? To take things slow again and start all over?"

"If it means I can still keep him, still love him, I'd do anything for that, Fragile. He means... he means so damn much to me," he breathed, balling his hand on her chest. "Like you, but with him it's a romantic, intimate sort of love and all that..." he muttered, feeling himself drifting to sleep, despite himself.

He had been the equivalent of sleeping for 2 days, yet he was so damn tired and Fragile was so comforting... He always slept better with company.

"He really means a lot to you, doesn't he?" She asked, running her fingers through his short hair. 

"You're lucky to have had that. But if what you go on about him is true, he'll want to work through it. I don't think he'd just abandon you. Doesn't seem that type of guy."

Nodding slightly, Higgs felt himself drift to sleep, his body relaxed and his mind quiet.  
He slept for a good few hours before jumping up, his breath quick and his attention alert.

"Fragile?" He breathed, glancing around him, before looking to her.

She opened her eyes, having drifted herself. She only ever let herself rest around Higgs. He was the only person, other than her father, that she trusted enough to be comfortable with. 

"What's wrong? Bad dreams?"

The panic that had settled into his eyes faded slightly as he sank back against her.  
"Yeah...sorry... always have this same bad dream after I come back from dyin," he muttered, heaving a sigh.

"...think I could message him now? It's been over 2 days for him..."

"Message him. Don't make him wait to know you're ok. It's not like you're going to look desperate or anything." She teased lightly, moving her arm away to let him sit up.

He nodded, sitting up to compose an email to Sam, pausing more than once to erase and rewrite and then erase again.

'Hey Sammy,  
Listen I'm really sorry about what happened... I put you in a really shitty position and I know that was bad of me. I hope you're okay. I'm back, again, obviously. Can't send messages from the Beach or the Seam.  
...if you don't want to see me, I understand, but at least let me know you're still out there somewhere.  
♡ H'

"What're your plans for the day?" He asked after sending off the message, turning to look at Fragile.

Fragile turned to him, having let him send his email in privacy. "I don't know. What are my plans for the day?" She asked him, voice gentle, but still holding a light, playful quality. 

When Sam heard the email come through he stopped in his tracks. He froze, blood running cold and his muscles tightening. 

He stood in place for several moments before finally being able to pull his email up with shaking hands. He felt his stomach clench, forcing himself to be sick again. 

Once he caught his breath, he couldn't help the anger bubbling up. 

'So that's it? Sorry for the bad situation I put you in, maybe you can still come around sometime? Is that all I am to you? Just someone you can see and "spend time with" now and then? Why won't you tell me what's going on? I can't do this anymore if you don't trust me.' 

He sent the email, his anger pushing him forward, in the wrong direction, pissing him off even more.

"Well, my really great boss gave me this time off and I don't have to be back yet, so..." Higgs smiled, shrugging slightly. "We could just hang out for a bit. Could order food and you could tell me about all the trips you've been on since last time I saw you-"

The notification for a new email came up and Higgs felt a little bubble of anxiety mixed with excitement in his chest as he pulled it up.  
Reading through it, the anxiety overtook the excitement and he felt his body trembling slightly.

He was right.  
He was right - it wasn't fair of him to expect to be able to still see him if Higgs couldn't even be fucking honest with him.

'Sammy, you know that's not all you are to me... but how can I tell you what's going on with me when I don't even really know myself? I've been... hearing this voice, in my head. Getting stronger and stronger and telling me awful things nearly constantly. That's what's going on. That's what- ....but I don't know why. Or what it means. Or what it is or any of that. It's just there and... I hate it.  
I trust you with everything, darlin, because I love you.  
♡ H'

"I need sweets. Ice cream, probably. Or alcohol. Maybe both."

Fragile looked him over, seeing the slump of his shoulders, the sadness in his eyes. "I can arrange for that. Why don't we go somewhere a little nicer than a bridges facility? I'm sure my father has a safe couse set up here. We can just jump and have everything sent there." She suggested, not wanting Higgs to stay in the same room with those memories. Especially not when his blood stained the floor. 

It took Sam a while to answer the email, wanting to snap. He was still so afraid of what he'd done. Didn't know if he could trust himself around Higgs again. He knew that he didn't want to kill him. That it was the merciful option, but he couldn't do it again. He couldn't watch the man he loved die by his hands. Not again.

'I say this only because I love you with everything I am... Get help Higgs. You're sick.'

"Yeah, alright... been an even longer while since we spent any time not within fuckin Bridges territory," he muttered, rubbing at his face. He read the email and dismissed it, not having anything to say in return to that.

At least Sam still loved him?  
...but where was he supposed to get fuckin help for this specific kind of fuckin sickness? It wasn't like doctors were super easily found or readily available. Not even now that he was getting paid a bit better.

Help would come in the form of Fragile, a safe house for the two of them, and a night of drinking before going back to work.

"What did he say? Is that it then?" She asked, taking his silence as a cue that it was time to leave. She got up, stuffing their things into her back. She sat on the bed again, things between them, taking his hands, eating their foreheads together, and then they were in a new place. 

Somewhere Higgs hadn't been before. Somewhere he'd have no connected memories to. An actual safe house. 

She then got to work on Higgs requests of sweets and liquor. Breakups weren't in her wheelhouse, but she was a woman of confidence and she would figure it out.

Jumping always made him feel a little woozy, but this time, for some reason, all he felt was this odd tingling of static electricity over his skin.

Stepping away from Fragile's hold, Higgs looked around, not recognizing anything here. Perhaps that was for the best... he could rest here and not feel anything for a while. Fragile really was the best friend he could hope for...

"He said he loves me with everything he is, but we probably can't see each other for a long while. He's really upset with me... thinks I'm sick," he murmured, dropping himself to the floor and sprawling out.

It was stupid, but he always felt his best when he could lay stretched out.

"...he's probably right. But it's not like I can do anything about it... except keep on keeping on with work and all."

She listened, keeping her face neutral. She didn't want him to think she pitied him. She didn't. She just knew how much Sam meant to him and how much it must hurt to know what he thought. 

"Will that help? Going back to work? Because I can work you to the bone if that's what you wanted." She teased lightly, getting the bottles out of their storage cooler, uncorking one for Higgs. 

No twist tops for him. Not tonight anyway. 

"We could go west if you wanted. Take the boat, you'd avoid him for a bit. Wouldn't have to worry about seeing him. Might help."

"Work me to the bone, doll. Then maybe I can keep my head quiet and I can keep myself from thinkin about Sam, out there in the big bad world loving me but hating me at the same damn time," he barked a bitter laugh, shaking his head as he sat up a bit.

"Might follow you west, actually. At least for a little while... I'll see what's available and looks interesting after I get a little shitfaced tonight," he hummed, taking the bottle from her and bringing it to his lips, taking a big swig before setting it aside and laying back again.

"Can't you just get a fuckin girlfriend already so we can talk about something other than my piss poor life choices?"

"But your piss poor life choices make mine look better." She teased him gently, sitting herself down on the floor and using his stomach to prop her feet up. 

"Maybe he'll change his tune once he starts to really miss you." She shrugged, taking the bottle out of his hand and taking a drink.

Higgs rolled his eyes, sticking his middle finger up, kissing it, and blowing the kiss and the curse in her direction.

"How's your dad doing?" He asked, decidedly changing the topic from himself and his fuckin love life bullshit. "Been a while since I seen him. But, then again, been a while since I seen you, too."

"He still thinks we make a cute couple. Keeps asking me if he can expect grand babies any time soon." She laughed, wiggling her eyebrows at him. 

It felt good to be back with him. Comfortable despite the circumstances of their time together. 

It felt good to just sit and drink and cuddle without any pretense. Just to be connected to someone, no expectations or judgements. She felt truly blessed to have him.

"Well Fragile, when we gonna be givin your old man some grand babies, hm?" He purred, that teasing grin on his lips as he stole the bottle back from her, propping himself up a little to take another deep drink from it.

"Think you'd at least make a good parent. I die too fuckin much to make any sort of paternal figure," he sighed, shaking his head. "...then again, you'd hate to be tied down for a long period, and all you'd feed the damn kid would be grubs."

She rolled her eyes. "While I'm sure you'd make a lovely mate, you and any children aren't anything I want." She teased, snatching the bottle from him.

They drank themselves silly, as they did every so often, talking and laughing late into the night. It felt good to feel so light and happy, after the heaviness that had been weighing him down for a little while.

But, after sleeping off the alcohol, Higgs woke up and packed up his things.  
"Fragile. Hey, doll, time to get movin," he hummed, gently kicking her foot with his own. "Best get up or I'm leavin to find an order without you."

She stirred, groaning and holding her head. "Alright... give me a minute." She huffed. 

"Let's see if we've got anything good."

Checking the UI for orders, Higgs scrolled through a few before stopping at one marked Urgent, and with his name attached. Something inside of him tugged him toward that one, his brows furrowed.

"I've got an Urgent one in here... it's also marked as fragile, but like... 'handle with care', not you," he glanced towards her curiously. "Going towards Capital Knot, though... think you can jump us from there? Or I can meet you back somewhere else... or just trek my ass all the way to Port Knot so we can cross the Lake."

"I've got one one going to Port Knot. I need to get some preparations done before we can cross." She sighed.   
"Looks like you'll have to haul your pretty little ass."

Higgs wiggled his hips cheekily, grinning at her. "Sounds fine, I can manage. Probably do me some good to just be out there trekking cross fuckin country," he sighed, leaning his head against her shoulder, giving her a cute little pout.

"This was fun, and nice, and we should do it again even if I don't have another break up, okay?" He chuckled, accepting the order. "I'll see you at Port Knot in a couple days?"

"Borrow a bike from one of our facilities on your way back. Get there quicker. I'll suffer without you." She pressed a playful kiss to his cheek. 

"Safe trip. Don't do anything stupid." She smiled happily. "I'll jump you to where you can pick up your package and then we can go."

"I don't think Sam would let me do him right now anyway, so we're safe on that front," he hummed, grabbing her hands in his own. "You be safe though too. Don't expend too much energy with all your jumping, be sure you get rest after all the drinking we did last night," he added, sounding very like an overprotective little brother.

When Fragile dropped him off at the nearest facility, he gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before letting her go. He went to the terminal and brought up his Urgent order, having it sent down on the conveyor.

"Fuck you're a big thing aincha," he muttered, getting it situated into his pack, being careful not to jostle it too bad as he was instructed.

_Careful sweetheart. Contents. Are. Fragile._

Sam frowned, feeling like shit about his last email. He didn't want Higgs to feel like he hated him. 

'I'm sorry for everything I've done. Can I see you? I just want to know that you're safe. I just don't want to have you walking around thinking I don't want to be with you anymore. I'll come to you. Tell me where you're heading.'

He sent the message, hoping Higgs would answer him back.

Already on his way, trekking over some not too friendly terrain for a package labeled as it was. When he finally got to a more stable footing area, he stopped to check his mail, a small smile tugging at his lips.

'Oh hush - you're not the one needing to say any apologies. But if it makes you feel better, all's forgiven darlin.  
I'm on my way to Capital Knot City right now. Got myself a pretty important package I guess. Marked Urgent, and had me named specific for it.  
See you there? ♡ H'

"I'm about 2 days from the Capital. But if you'll wait for me there, I'll move quick. Please.' Sam sent, getting up and moving toward his destination. He delivered his cargo before heading out to Capital Knot. 

He needed to see Higgs again. He wasn't ready to be alone with him again under florescent lighting. Might not even want to feel his skin. The heavy, sticky, and wet feeling of his blood still left a phantom feeling in his hands.

'I'll see you then, Hardass. Be safe in your travels on your way ♡ H'

The excitement of being able to see Sam again, and that Sam had been the one to initiate that request. With something of a pep in his step now, Higgs made quick time to the distro center outside of Capital Knot, making his way past to head into town.

_Are you ready, my lovely Herald of the End? Things are about to get rough for you._

By the time Sam had gotten in the vicinity of the Capital, there were Bridges and corpse disposal units. He could see pyres of burning things releasing chiral energy into the sky, must be bodies.

There was almost nothing left, rubble and search teams frantically clearing them, searching for bodies and praying for survivors. 

Sam had hoped he'd find Higgs, knowing he'd come back. Please he would come back. 

There were rumors of a terrorist attack. Something Sam couldn't wrap his head around. What the hell for?

'Please tell me you're somewhere safe.'

'Higgs, please answer me.'

'Please be ok.'

'You can't be gone... please. I love you.'

'I'm sorry'

The messages had been sent hours apart, then days. No answer and not even opened. That wasn't like Higgs to at least not check his emails. He prayed, hoping that he was safe. But there was rumors of an antimatter bomb being used. If he was next to it... would he even be able to come back from something like that?

Sam felt himself growing colder as the days went by, feeling empty and numb. No longer wanting to take orders. He made his way back home, just wanting to rest. Just wanting to sleep, the closest thing to death he could get to. 

He wouldn't have even been in Capital Knot if he hadn't fucked things up. Higgs would probably still be curled up in bed, enjoying his time off. Maybe he'd have been able to show him the place where he had imagined their home. 

Maybe they could have been lost in the mountains, working on a place for them to live. A place to be together. 

Now the thought just hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhh
> 
> so there's no goodness for a while my friends  
> are you still strapped in?


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short little chapter, but this is where we start game play storyline, more or less.
> 
> This is still an AU, so obviously we are giving ourselves a bit more freedom to do things differently and add things and interpret things differently

The last thing he remembered was heading into the city and then...

_'Nothing, correct?'_

_Higgs opened his eyes, sitting up and coughing, spluttering._

_'You did so good for me, Higgs. I'm so proud of you,' Amelie hummed, stepping through the sand towards Higgs, reaching her hand out to him._

_He eyed the offered hand, his body feeling numb and cold, so he knew where he was, put together what happened.  
He died.  
He died carrying something for Her._

_'You tricked me... That package I carried, it was something from you, wasn't it? A fuckin bomb?'_

_The smile on her face remained as her hand retracted, a darkness flashing in her eyes.  
'It needed to be done. Can't make an omelet without cracking a few eggs, can't end the world without destroying a few cities,' she hummed, stepping away from Higgs, pacing the sand with her hands behind her back. 'And I'm going to be asking a lot from you, my dear. Destroy cities for me, take lives, bring about the end of the world with me,' she breathed._

_Furrowing his brow, Higgs looked up at her curiously. 'You want me to... but why?'_

_'It's all coming to an end anyway. 6th Extinction, and humanity isn't going to survive this one if you and I have anything to say about it.'_

_'...I can't- Sam would-'_

_'Don't worry about Sam. He has his own part to play in our grand little game of life and death.'_

_She returned to standing before him, holding her hand out to him. This time, he reached up to take her hand, finding himself waking up in a dark place, with the blue blinking of a UI._

Pushing himself up a little, he coughed, spitting up some of that black tar, his insides clenching as he did so. Whimpering, he curled in on himself, his body in so much pain.

He lay there on the ground of the bunker, trying to wait out the fiery pain and collect his thoughts.  
It was his fault that people died in the city. His fault. He'd brought the fucking bomb right to their doorstep and they didn't deserve that. Didn't deserve to be destroyed like that. And yet...

And yet he didn't feel guilt.  
He felt power flowing through him, a power that hadn't been there before, a power that made him feel light headed.

Pushing himself to his feet, he moved to the UI, opening the mail there waiting.

Coping was difficult. After going home, he decided to go with the flow, let other people make his decisions for him. In the short period of time living back in the city with his mother, he'd allowed her set him up with someone. Cut his hair and changed his clothes. Became handsome and presentable, more of what a president's son should look like. 

Not long after he'd adapted to city life, going with the motions, standing where people told him, doing as he was asked, he'd found himself married. 

Two months. 

That's all it took for Sam to lose the pieces of himself that made him the man he was. 

It actually took a lot less time than that. However long it took for the grief to finally set in that the man he'd loved was truly gone. 

When the pain of knowing he was gone became to much, he went up to the spot in the mountains, by the waterfalls, to the place he wanted to call home.

He'd started on it. A home. Just a small makeshift shack at first. Later demolished in a fit of rage, and replaced with something bigger, better, only to be destroyed again. 

The worst part of the stranding was that you couldn't properly grieve your dead. Burial wasn't an option and the bodies often needed to be burned on site or whisked away to never be seen again. Not even the dust of them to keep. 

Building this house felt like a suiting tribute to his partner. Not his current one, but the one he still considered his love. Birth, death, rebirth, and rise from the ashes. 

He took to sending emails to Higgs' dead account. Pictures of their home, things that made him think of him. He wrote to him about his new wife. He talked about feeling like a ghost of his former self. A hollow and scraped clean shell of a man.

He told him he missed him, and loved him. And eventually it became too much. Caused too many problems in his current home life. He finally said goodbye to Higgs, promising to leave his memorial untouched, leaving it and his memory behind him. It was what he needed to do. 

He was going to be having a family.

He wasn't sure how long he sat there in the bunker, the hum of blue light washing over him as he read through 2 months worth of emails, all from Sam.

Black tears slipped down Higgs' cheeks as he read, and looked through the pictures sent to him from a man that thought him real and truly dead this time.  
Coming to the final email, the warmth of love that had blossomed in his chest fell. Rereading it to make sure he was reading it properly, Higgs felt a quiet rage burn in his belly.

Sam made a home for them, a beautiful place, but he'd abandoned it to be with some woman? A woman that, evidently, was carrying his fucking child, if the mention of having a family was anything to go by.

In a fit of rage, Higgs started throwing things around the bunker, shouting and yelling and cursing.

_Calm yourself, my dear. That family of his won't last long. Recall what we are doing, here._

Frustrated still, but a little less angered, Higgs wiped at the black tears on his cheeks and adjusted his clothes.

_Why don't you go out and play with the new toys I've gifted to you, as my Herald._

With one last glance towards the UI's screen, Higgs made his way out of the bunker and into the light of day, feeling the sun on his skin. He couldn't help the tug of a smile, spreading his arms.  
He was truly alive again, then, and this wasn't some twisted nightmare - just a twisted reality.

_Call to the other side. I've given you a few things to help. Your BB, to connect you to me and to the Beached Things. Your quipu, to connect you to my Beach. You hold even more power over death now, my dear._

Curious as to what she might mean, Higgs closed his eyes and imagined the city. Imagined the place he had walked into, unknowingly bringing destruction to their doorstep.  
With a crackle of energy and the burnt smell of chiralium, Higgs had jumped himself to the broken down city of Captial Knot. They were rebuilding, but it was clear the damage that had been done.

Sam couldn't tell the passage of time anymore. Days felt like weeks felt like months but months felt like minutes and he couldn't be sure how much time had passed. 

The only thing bringing him the potential for joy was the fact that he would be a father. 

But in a flash, even that was taken from him, too. 

And worst of it was, people blamed him for the voidout. He'd lost everything and they thought he was to blame. 

The world had gone to shit. Terrorists, more BTs everywhere, people dying left and right, and Bridges was back on their bullshit. 

He still did some work for Bridges now and then, but he tried to avoid them when he could. 

That was until they had literally blocked his path, forcing him into a contract for corpse disposal. Needed someone with DOOMS. That's all he was anymore. A tool with a purpose. Not a man, but a piece of equipment. Expendable. 

Standard corpse disposal, where they should have just burned the body outside of city limits, but decided instead to go though a major BT zone to get to the incinerator with a body that could go necro any second. 

God bless America. 

Any fool could have told you it was all going to go to shit. So it wasn't really a surprise when it did.

The real surprise was what happened when the body popped. His second time in the middle of a voidout, but this time he was aware of every moment. Something wasn't right. 

Then there was the familiar mask, the cape, the posture of... a ghost. A waking nightmare of a memory. Perhaps an angel of death?

Higgs.

And it... he brought with him a terrible creature from the other side. His mind was reeling and before he knew it, he was walking up, alive again, gripping the BB pod tight to his chest, gasping and shaking.

He was meant to go there and pop Central Knot. Easy. It wasn't his first time making a void out, now, and it wasn't even his first time doing it with these new powers of his.

He was thrown a bit when he recognized one of the faces of the crew, though.

Sam.

Sam had been there with the fucking Corpse Disposal team.

When all was said and done and he jumped back to his bunker he screamed and pounded at the walls with his fists, crouched on the floor and covered his ears.

"He was THERE. He was THERE today and I fucking KILLED him. Killed him. Dead. Repatriated. ...didn't even get to say hello," he breathed, pulling the mask from his face and throwing it across the room. "Why didn't you tell me he would be there?!"

_You wouldn't have gone. Wouldn't have listened to me._

"I need to go back. I need to make sure that he's-"

_He's fine. Back, and on track for his next mission, as you should be. Incinerator, 24 hours. You'll want to be there. He will be._

With a growl of agitation, Higgs jumped himself to the incinerator, pacing around it as he waited for sight or sound of Sam's approach. He was meant to summon the BTs to this area. A fuckin horde if he could, thank you.

So he called, and they came, creeping and crawling and floating around the building, waiting for Sam, searching for him.

Sam did as he was told, getting the body to the incinerator. He was debating on if he could really kill a living, er... well not technically, living child or not. 

Lucky for him, fate decided on the answer, making it necessary to use the kid, to his own displeasure. The place was crawling with BTs, surrounded by them. He wouldn't have an out, he had to go through. 

He hooked himself up to the BB, tapping the glass gently. "Come on, kid. Help me out here..." he sighed, looking around the building to find a way. 

Things he didn't even knew existed, had only seen shadows of in his nightmares, crawled out there. He stepped out, holding his breath as he made his way around some of them.

On top of the main building for the incinerator drop off, a shadowy figure stood, cape billowing as he watched the figure of Sam Porter Bridges maneuver through the horde of BTs.  
He stood there for a moment or so before jumping, apparating himself closer to the man holding his breath and struggling through his infestation.

His Odradek whirred and whistled, keeping him aware of the BTs around him and Higgs couldn't help watching it, his brow furrowed behind his masks.

He tapped the red glass of his own little pod baby, watching the little creature float in there, not phased by the shadowy, slimy creatures around them. They didn't even bother reaching out to him anymore. They knew better. He could destroy them with a snap of his fucking fingers and he WOULD if they dared to ruin this cape. He'd worked hard on making himself a new one.

Sam could feel his nerves kicking in, forcing him to start to shake, tightening the muscles in his legs, making it harder to walk. 

The hairs on the back of his neck uselessly standing up. He placed his hand on the pod, covering the front of it, silently thanking the baby inside. It seemed like they'd past the first leg of it when something caught his eye, slowly turning to look. 

And there he was again, the ghost of the man he used to love. Sam cursed himself, wondering if it was some sick twist of him mind putting him there. Associating him with the dead.

When Sam turned, looking at him, Higgs felt a flutter of old feelings bubbling in his chest, a smile hidden behind two masks.  
In a crackling flash of chiralium, he was gone again, jumping ahead towards the craggy rocks that Sam was going to have to get over, BTs still hounding his ass.

She had told him he needed to make things a bit of a struggle for Sam, keep him on his toes.

"Once he gets past this point, Bud, I'm gonna let him go," Higgs muttered, patting the pod attached to his chest.

Sam saw the silhouette in the distance. He decided the image of his partner would be a good sign, his mind telling him where to go. A guardian angel of sorts. 

He made his way to where Higgs- no... not Higgs. Higgs was gone. To where his mind was sending signals to go. He'd have bigger problems than BTs if it kept up, but right now, getting out was all he was worried about.

Higgs tilted his head slightly as Sam approached, dodging his BTs with ease thanks to the little one in the pod. When Sam got close enough to satisfy, Higgs jumped back to the incinerator, quelling the BTs, letting calm return to the area.

"We'll get him another time, won't we little Buddy?" He smiled behind his masks, patting his BB's pod, watching Sam a moment more before jumping back to his bunker.

_You did well, Higgs. Gave him a taste of what is to come. Keep up the good work, keep pushing him, pulling him. Keep him interested so we can grow this network. Pull everyone together to take them all down._

"As you wish," he muttered, flopping back on his bed to stare at the steal 'sky'. He had freedom before, and now... he was trapped, all over again.

"Bullshit circle of life."


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mature content and slightly dubious consent???

Sam hated this shit. Hated this fucking country. He wanted to go home. Wherever the hell that was now. 

He didn't have one anymore, couldn't. So he kept on moving forward, trying to save whatever was left of his sorry excuse for a family. 

He'd made his way to Port Knot... time to head west. He met up with Fragile there, which was awkward to see her again, but nice to know there was someone he could relive memories with. 

Have a glimpse of a memory of the closest he'd ever felt to home. 

"Fragile. It's... well... thanks for helping me cross." He sighed, looking over to her after a few moments of silence. "I... know he was your friend too and it probably hurts just as much. Losing him in that attack..." he felt his throat close at the words he realized he hadn't said before.

Fragile froze, her heart stopping a moment in her chest as a cold washed over her, an anger flashing in her eyes.

"Perhaps you're right. We did lose him in that attack, but he still lives," she replied, her voice tense. "Remember when we met up again in that cave? I told you about my tangle with Timefall? Drenched in it, neck to toes," she turned to look at Sam, searching his face.

"I got an order, urgent, marked specifically for me. Just like he did that day. I didn't put the pieces together until I was nearly there, though, and when I tried to get rid of it safely, he found me. Stripped me down, and gave me a choice. I take the damage and the goods, try to drop the bomb into the Tar Belt, or I could let the City take the damage, and be with him, join him," she sighed, running a hand through her hair, tears burning in her eyes.

"He's gone, but he isn't dead."

Sam felt his anger bubble up. "You're lying. He's dead. You can't... he wouldn't have done that." He hissed, getting up, his body forcing him to pace, despite the pain in his feet. 

His stomach felt sick, disgusted that she would even suggest... 

Alive? 

"If he was alive he... he would have..." he felt himself breathing heavier. The world around him feeling a little blurry at the edges. "No. He's dead and gone and you..."

Fragile furrowed her brows, looking to him with a fierce sympathy. She understood what a shock this news would be for him, what it would mean to him. She had felt the same, seeing Higgs again, alive but so different.  
Everytime he died he came back a little less himself, and this time had cracked him beyond repair, it seemed. That's how she was choosing to interpret it.  
It didn't excuse what he did to her, though. Didn't excuse the lives he took. Didn't change that, despite her love for him, if she ever got the chance to kick his ass, she would.

"I know it's hard to swallow, Sam. I know what he meant to you, what you meant to each other... but trust me when I tell you - it was him. Higgs. He's alive and out there in the world somewhere. He's not the man we knew before, though. So...if you see him, be careful. Fight if you have to, run if that's an option."

Sam felt his stomach drop, making him feel like the world was coming out from under him. Swallowing him whole.

He might welcome that at this point. 

Higgs was alive. But it wasn't him anymore... it couldn't be. His Higgs wouldn't do that. Not his sweet little prin... he was sick. He rushed himself to the edge to empty his stomach over the hand rail of the ship. 

He felt lost, sliding down to sit on the deck, knees to his chest. He'd just emptied the last of himself. He felt there was nothing left to him, clutching his BB tight to his chest. It was all he had left. 

"He... he's the terrorist... it's him leading the Homo Demens... isnt it?"

Her jaw tightened as she watched Sam, looked to him as the last bits of the man in front of her were washed away.

"I believe so, yes," she sighed, looking out across the water, the grey sky reflected in its surface. "...I'm sorry, Sam, that you had to find out this way," she murmured quietly, wiping at the tears that slipped down her cheeks.

She had lost her closest friend, her confidant, but Sam had lost everything. She had only an inkling of an idea of how he must be feeling right. The anger, the emptiness, the betrayal.

"He has power now that he didn't have before."

Sam squeezed his eyes shut, trying his best not to cry. The tears rolling down his cheeks anyway. He didn't want to hear anything else she had to say. 

"I've been seeing him." He admitted, voice soft. "I thought it was my imagination. Having him help me out of trouble... didn't even think that he might be the one causing it. Fuck..." he breathed, looking down at his pod to see his BB looking up at him, hands pressed to the top of the glass.

Her shoulders wilted slightly as she nodded, swallowing heavily. The raw emotion in the way Sam was holding himself, in the look on his face... it was tearing at her heart.

"We're not too sure what he's up to, or just how much power he actually has now, but I know for certain that he can Jump, the same way I can. His DOOMS level is higher than it was, and I don't know how that could have happened..." she furrowed her brow. "Something happened to him, though. He had been through so much before, but this is what broke him? No. Something happened."

"He died in an explosion... he could have died several times waiting for rescue crews... he..." Sam held his breath, knowing that's not how it worked. 

"What if he's changed and... he can use what he knows against me. Fragile... I'll have to tell Amelie. What if she's in trouble? She was all the way west, but they keep telling me the attacks keep happening that way. He'd kill her, wouldn't he?" He shook his head, still not wanting to believe it.

She hadn't thought about the possibility of the countless times Higgs might have died waiting for rescue teams to dig him out. If he was at the center of the explosion...

Shaking her head she pushed away from where she had been standing to join Sam on the ground, crossing her legs with her back straight.

"I'm not sure anymore, really... I don't know what he's capable of, now. He's killed before. Before the explosion, before this change... but those were all justifiable in some way... self defense," she shook her head, angry at herself for making excuses for him. He didn't deserve it these days.

"All the same... if you can contact Amelie, it might be a good idea to warn her about him. It's probably his Homo Demens that have her holed up, anyway."

Sam nodded, looking over to her. He wished he could be as strong as she was. 

He knew she'd lost her father recently. Lost her closest friend. Lost her youth. But she hadn't lost her spark. Her desire for life and her need to carry on. To right her wrongs and clean her image. 

He wished he had anything left to keep him going. All he had was the guilty obligation to save his sister and the fact that Bridges wouldn't leave him alone until he did so. He didn't give a shit about America or the people in it. One way or another, they'd all die eventually anyway. 

Who cares anymore? Pencil pushers and people in positions of power? Maybe they should be digging their holes for their bunkers and waiting out the end. A convenient grave. 

One he would never know the peace of.

They stayed in silence for the rest of the short trek across to Lake Knot City, Fragile helping Sam up so they could make their way off the boat.

"I'm sure there's orders waiting for you at the terminal, but deliver these supplies and think about taking a break. You need to give yourself time to process, but also you smell," she crinkled her nose, trying to lighten the gloomy mood that had fallen over them. Reaching into her pocket, she offered Sam a cryptobiote.

"Hang in there, Sam, and know if you need anything, I am here for you."

Higgs paced in his bunker, his hood down and his masks laying on his bed.  
Amelie was telling him the truth about the Death Stranding, explaining to him more clearly about the 6th extinction. She was still holding things back, but of course she was. Gods don't need to tell their people everything, not even their Herald.  
When she finally went quiet, Higgs held his head and flopped himself onto the floor beside his bed.

His room was in a state of disarray, alcohol bottles and other beverages littered the floor and his desk. Pictures of Sam and scenery were decorating his wall. The mirror in the corner was broken.

"What do you say to pizza, little Buddy?"

Sam frowned, dropping off what was asked from him, using the private rooms to wash up and rest. 

He checked the terminal, seeing an urgent request for a... pizza delivery? 

What kind of bastard marks a luxury request with an urgent tag when most people didn't tag medicines urgent. 

He sighed, seeing it was a delivery just about 20 minutes away. Fucker could have walked it to the city to get it himself...

He accepted the order and decided to be careful with it. Something about the scent of it made his heart sink. He tried not to think about it. 

He got to the bunker, out in the flat open, a void out crater not that far from here. It seemed nice enough. He hooked up the terminal, loaded the pizza and extras onto the delivery shelf and watched it slide into the floor. 

He sighed, hooking up the bunker to the network and turning to leave.

Higgs perked up when his sensors picked up the porter bringing him his pizza. Stepping over to the UI to look out, Higgs froze, his eyes wide as he spotted a figure he would recognize anywhere.

Sam.

He wanted to run out of the bunker, to run to him and check on him and _touch_ him... but he wasn't allowed. Besides, it would surely upset Sam to see him like this, anyway...

Instead, he turned on the auto response, thanking Sam Porter Bridges for delivering his pizza in such excellent condition.

Sam sighed, leaving the bunker with a few more orders strapped to his back. He could still smell the grease on his gloves, deciding he'd need another pair once he'd gotten to the next distro center. 

He made his way west, setting up the network and connecting centers together with preppers in the areas. He felt like he was moving through a haze, only pulled out of it when his BB craved attention. 

He didn't know at what point he'd started with it, but he often caught himself talking to her, the act drawing some warmth into his bones. He'd hum her the song from her memories when the nights would get quiet. He'd tell her what a wonderful little baby she was.

...He never did catch on to the point he'd named her. 

If he'd even made that decision consciously. Lou was the only thing that mattered, the only connection he had left. He could feel himself coming back into his skin. Into his own mind. A reason to build a future. Somewhere she could have a place in it.

Knowing that Sam was in the area, that he might be stopping somewhere for rest, Higgs ate a few slices of the pizza before jumping from his bunker to carefully follow his favorite porter around.  
He took pictures of Sam resting in the field with his BB. Took pictures of Sam toppling over from having too much cargo and the wind blowing a bit too hard in one direction for too long. Took pictures of that determined look on his face as he got up and started over.  
His favorite was one where Sam was talking to the BB strapped to his chest, because he talked to Babu too, sometimes. His little Buddy.

Finally, Sam arrived at a distro center and with a giddy energy, Higgs focused in on Sam and jumped to the private room where he would be.

He didn't have time or forethought to check his makeup, but it wouldn't matter since his mask was on anyway, his hood up.

The sudden intrusion made him jump, fear filling his nerves, eyes flashing to Lou to make sure she was safe before feeling himself bubbling with anger. 

"Higgs?" He asked, not quite sure if he was awake or if this was a vivid nightmare.

Hearing his name from those lips for the first time in so long was... thrilling. His heart did a turn in his chest and he couldn't help the pull of a smile behind his golden mask.

"Been a long time, Sammy boy," he hummed, wanting to say so much more, but stopping himself before he went into some long rambling monologue.

Sam felt his hands shaking at the sound of his name in that voice again. One he thought he'd never hear again.

He wasn't sure how to feel, so many words he wanted to say. So many things he needed off his chest. His anger, his grief, his relief, his love, and his rage.

The rage is what seemed to make his decision for now. It was what fueled him most days anyway. 

He felt his fist tighten, swinging at Higgs' face. The contact of the mask and his knuckles made his hand sting, not sure if the tears were from the chiralium or from something else. If asked, he'd blame the allergy.

The mask skittered across the floor, vanishing when it settled. Higgs rubbed at his jaw, a laugh bubbling up from his chest.

"Well now! What a greeting! After all this time and that's what I get?" He let his hood fall back, a wild grin tugging at his lips a moment before he put on something of a pout. "I'm _wounded_ Sammy. Though, I do see where you're coming from - I _definitely_ deserved that."

"You deserve a lot worse than that!" Sam growled, pacing like a caged animal. He wished he hadn't hit him so hard the first time so he could do it again. 

"You DIED! And said nothing to me! I thought you were gone, but it was so much worse! You let me think you were gone for good this time!" He shouted, face going red and heart pounding. "Do you know what that did to me!? Did you even care? Or were you too busy using me to further your ability to blow the fucking world to pieces!?"

Higgs watched Sam pace, rather resembling his Mekal for a moment there.

"Funny thing about dying is that you can't reach out to people who are alive. Funnier thing about dying is that, when you come back, you find 2 months worth of emails from the man you loved, only to have the last one tear your damn heart out because apparently 2 months is all it fuckin took for you to forget about me and have yourself a little family," he growled, still rubbing at his jaw a bit.

"Do you know what exploding feels like, Sammy? Time slows for a moment and you can feel your body being torn apart, piece by piece. A burning, taking away layers of you at a time before it's all gone. Do you know what waking up under rubble feels like? Having your body, that you just got back, being crushed until you can't breathe anymore and you bleed out from collapsed lungs. You don't know what takes you out first - blood loss or lack of oxygen. Do you know how it feels to repeat that? 288 times I died, more or less, waiting for someone to find me, hearing the rescue teams dig out other people. But I couldn't call out. Could only fuckin gurgle in my own blood," he sighed, rolling his shoulders and straightening himself up.

"Until God, herself, decided to whisk me away from my eternal gravesite. She rescued me, made me so much more than I was, and dropped me into my fuckin bunker."

Sam listened, feeling his heart breaking at hearing the truth of one of his biggest fears.

He should have jumped in and helped clear the rubble. Instead he was frozen, standing in place, just before running away. 

"I lost you... I had everything torn away from me, so I let someone else make my decisions for me. I couldn't go where you were, so I abandoned my body. When I could, I lived with you in that place... at least I pretended to." He admitted, his throat tight and dry around his words. Everything felt like he was burning.

"2 months wasn't how long it took for me to forget you. It was how long it took me to forget myself."

His straight back stance faltered slightly, Sam's words cutting through the illusion Amelie had provided for him, of a man that didn't care about him anymore, a man that had moved on and left him behind. He had believed it for so long now. That Sam had moved on and didn't want to see him hear from him.  
So he had only been observing from afar, but now....

Now.

"...oh Sammy... what a mess. Both of us broken down like this. Careful - _contents are fragile_ ," he hummed, an actual touch of softness, of concern in his voice and his icy blue eyes.

Sam breathed a laugh, rolling his eyes. There was no way he was telling Higgs anything. He'd seen what he'd done to Fragile. What he'd done to that city. Heard what he'd done to the others, using bodies as time bombs. What could he do to him? 

Would he? After everything they had before? Could he? 

If Sam could kill Higgs, Higgs could definitely kill him.

"You don't just get to come waltzing back into my life thinking we can pick up where we left off. Not after everything you've done." He accused, taking a small step back.

"After everything I've done-" Higgs' eyes lit up, a smile spreading his lips and showing off those sharp canines. "Oohoohoo~ Sammy! This ain't my first kill, sugar. Not even my second. I killed my own Daddy, watched my neighbor fuckin pop, killed a whole damn camp of bastard MULEs, killed a Bridges motherfucker and then went and killed all those people with that bomb I delivered," he shook his head, running fingers through his hair. "What's a little more here and there? It's a gift to them, a mercy if you will, just as you once granted to me," he grinned, a devilish look really.

"The lucky ones that die and don't have to suffer through the _waiting_ for the end to find them, because I _am_ the End. I control life and death and decide who sticks around and who kicks it," he jumped behind Sam, the static and burn of chiralium in the air as he leaned in close to Sam's ear.

"I am a god now, darlin. And all it took was dyin," he hummed, licking the shell of Sam's ear before jumping across the room to where Lou's pod was hooked up.  
"We don't gotta pick up where we left off. We can pick up something new. Because that's what we both are - _new. Reborn_."

There wasn't a clear moment when Higgs crossed the line. Maybe it was the bullshit he was spewing. Maybe it was his slimy touch. It could have even been how close he got to Lou.

Whatever it was, Sam snapped. All that anger and sadness that had been gnawing at him finally burst. 

He grabbed Higgs by the front of his shirt, throwing him down onto the hard floor. Before he had a chance to get up, Sam was on him, straddling him. He threw a few punches, hurting his hand again before wrapping them both tightly around his throat. 

"You're not a god. You're barely a man." He hissed, pressing down.

He was quick, for a man that was usually so encumbered by heavy weight. Perhaps that was what did it, really. All that weight made him move so much quicker when his load was lightened.

The pains that blossomed in his face were nothing compared to the high that reached his brain when Sam's hands wrapped around his throat. He smirked, gasping for breath.

"Oh, so _now_ you can fog my head? All it took was a little trauma of your own," he gasped, a breathless laugh leaving his lips. He could feel his own arousal pooling in his abdomen. Sam was damn attractive with a burning rage in his pretty eyes.

There was much he could say about the accusation of 'barely a man', to a man who had such trouble actually using his manhood, but his lips were starting to get tingly from his lack of oxygen and that was more than a bit distracting.

Sam could feel his hands shaking, losing his nerve at the comment. His grip on his throat faltered, screaming in frustration and pulling his hands back to bury his face in. 

He sat back, hard on Higgs lap, not caring how heavy he was. He let himself cry, not quite sure what his emotions were anymore. It took him a minute to realize what was rubbing against him. 

The feeling of Higgs, hard and real and tangible, beneath him let out a flood of new feeling. The mood changes felt line whiplash, but he couldn't help but grind his hips down. 

"You really are a sad, sick, broken little man."

Coughing against the sudden flux of oxygen, the sound morphed quickly in a heavy laugh. "No need to go bringing my size into things, Sammy boy, especially with pot calling kettle," he purred, his eyelids fluttering at the feeling of Sam, grinding against him like he imagined so many lonely nights. It felt good for it to be real and not in his damn imagination.

"I mean really... who's the one seeming more sad and sick and broken right now? The man going through a million different emotions in a few moments, or me?" Higgs tilted his head, his blue eyes holding only fondness now, no malice or fear or ill-will. "What happened to you, handsome...?"

Sam held back another moan. Higgs really had no right to look at him any more. He wanted to knock that stupid, affectionate look off his face. 

Instead, he found himself pressing their lips together. Soft and gentle at first, before growing rough and desperate. Licking at him and biting, cleaning the blood that he'd caused on Higgs face with his tongue. 

He rolled his hips back, desperate little sounds leaving him. Hot, wet tears clouding his vision, making everything blurry. He could almost see his soft, sweet princess looking up at him again.

Everything was overstimulating to a man that had been so alone for so long. The sound of Sam's moan, the feel of their lips together - soft and then demanding - the feeling of Sam' warm wet tongue against his skin. It was all just so much, so fast, and Higgs felt his own eyes welling with those dark tears of his, threatening to ruin his makeup if he wasn't carefully in control.

"Take what you want, Sammy. Take what you need," he breathed, dutifully keeping his hands to himself, afraid to ruin this blissful moment if he were to try to touch.

He'd touched himself more than a few times, thinking about Sam. Had worn that stupid lingerie from Fragile more than once while he touched himself thinking about Sam.  
He was always, in one way shape or form, thinking about Sam anymore.

Thinking about that sadness that had settled into his eyes. About how he looked so much older than the last time he'd seen him. How he seemed like, if someone pushed him too far, he would just give up and be done.  
But Higgs had been pushing him, just as Amelie wanted him to.

...she of course hadn't wanted _this_ , or even approved of this little solo mission, but well... here he was anyway. Willing to break the rules his God had set out for him so that he could be with Sam for a little while, in any capacity that Sam wanted or needed him.

Sam breathed a gasp, pressing himself against Higgs. It felt so right to have him here after all this time. 

He decided not to think about it now, not to consider his desperation as an act of weakness. No one had to know. 

His whole body shaking violently as he stood, pushing his pants down and off before climbing back onto Higgs, just rubbing himself against the rough material of his clothes for a few moments. 

He decided what he wanted, moving down and trying to get Higgs out of his pants, struggling with all the stupid belts and fastenings. "How the fuck... how do you take a piss?" He growled, starting to lose that feeling now.

Higgs chuckled softly, carefully moving Sam's hands to undo all his fastenings smoothly and easily before wriggling free from it all.  
"With a clear head, typically, and in the privacy of my damned bunker," he replied softly, watching Sam curiously, cautiously.  
Whatever it was that Sam wanted, and involved a distinct lack of pants... Higgs would take it. _Could_ take it. Could take anything Sam could possibly dish out to him.

It was a bit empowering to see Sam unraveling like this in front of his eyes. He had definitely been broken in their time apart, because his Sam never would have unraveled like this, so easily. That darkness came to his eyes so easily now, and he could feel himself already dripping a bit in his anticipation.

Sam felt that boiling feeling on his stomach again, lip curling up in disgust as he saw those tears. That look of pity in his eyes. 

Fragile was right. Higgs was dead. 

He shoved his fingers into Higgs' mouth, forcing him to make them wet for him. It was going to hurt. He wanted it to.

Fingers in his mouth, Higgs closed his eyes and sucked, making sure to make some rather nice and lewd sounds, just for his handsome hardass. He wrapped his tongue around them, bobbed his head best he could against them from where he was laying on the ground.

The look in Sam's face was confusing - there definitely was something akin to arousal and desperation, but... his stomach twisted when he realized the other emotion there was disgust.  
Sam was disgusted with him, found him disgusting.  
He could feel it like a vice tightening around his heart.

_You deserve this suffering, pet. You left your place without my approval, so you deserve this pain, this suffocating suffering. Remember that, and learn from it maybe._

Sam pulled his fingers our of Higgs mouth, bringing them to himself and pushing them in. He let his body fall forward, gasping and grunting at the feeling with his face against Higgs' neck. 

It wasn't going fast enough for his taste, forcing himself open, a few pained whimpers slipping from his lips. 

He deserved it though. He deserved it to hurt. For abandoning him like he did.

Higgs had closed his eyes, expecting the barely slick enough fingers to push into _him_ , to spread _him_ only as open as those fingers would. When the pressure didn't come, but Sam's breath did, hot and wet...

Higgs felt his eyes widen, his heart thundering in his chest.  
Judging by the sounds and the movement in Sam's body, Higgs could figure what was going on and while arousing beyond reason... it was also at least a tad concerning.

**_What the fuck had happened to his Sam while he'd been gone?_ **

"Sammy... you gotta be careful. It doesn't gotta hurt like that. Remember how I did it for you?"

"God... do you ever shut up?" Sam huffed, still working his fingers in himself. It didn't matter how bad it hurt. It wouldn't be enough to kill him. And if it was, so what?

Fuck it. 

He pulled his fingers out of himself, sitting up and reaching back for Higgs' cock. He gave it a pump, finding it already hard and leaking. He spread the fluid on him, spitting on his hand for good measure before pushing Higgs into himself. 

There was a stretch, it burned, but it wasn't the pain he was expecting. Even when he wanted it, Higgs couldn't hurt him. That made it so much worse. 

He pushed all the way back, gasping and shivering at the overstimulation, stilling himself to get used to the feeling. Not to savor it. That would just be wrong. 

Why would he like this? Being back with the man he still somehow loved.

Higgs clawed desperately at the ground beneath him, one of the legs straddling him, leaving angry red lines in Sam's skin as he gasped.

If Sam was angry, or hated him, or whatever all of this was, this part of it was an odd way of showing that. Not that Higgs was in any way complaining.

"Ffffuck... Sammy... you feel so good~" he purred, removing his hand from the other man's leg to tug at his own hair a little, wriggling his hips. "So damn good... been so long since I felt like this... my handsome hardass..."

Sam could feel the tears blurring his vision. "SHUT UP! Please just shut the fuck up..." he whined, starting to move. 

He wasn't used to the feeling, having not had it like this in so long. It felt so good to have Higgs be a part of him again. The pain of the act was nothing compared to the agony of the memory. The aching in his heart. 

He knew this wasn't his Higgs. He wore his face, spoke with his tongue, kissed with his lips. He felt the same, but this man wasn't his. But for now he was as close as he would get. 

Before he knew it, he was rolling his hips, bouncing himself in Higgs cock, fingers digging in to the fabric on his chest.

"Oooh~ Touchy touchy, Mr. Hardsss," Higgs hummed, mirroring the exact words he once spoke to Sam in the cave of their first meeting.

He looked up at Sam, noticing the tears in his eyes and his heart dropped, a flash of extreme upset crossing his face and replacing that teasing smirk.

"Sammy..." he breathed, hesitantly reaching up to the man's face, wanting to brush his tears away, to touch him and hold his face. To tell him it was all alright.

_...but that would be a lie, wouldn't it pet? Things aren't alright, and he doesn't want your touch, anyway. He's in control here, just as I am. You are nothing but a tool for the both of us. A means to an end._

He let his hand drop, his heart pounding as he trembled below Sam, his body overwhelmed by pleasure while his heart was torn.

Sam watched Higgs reach up, ready to lean into the touch. To relax against him, praying that maybe Higgs still cared about him. 

He found that the touch would have hurt far less than the feeling that lingered without it. 

He swallowed hard, moving himself harder and faster. His body shook and while his cock was only half interested, he was hitting that same spot Higgs used to drive him crazy with each time he drove himself down onto him. 

He was loud, crying, moaning and shouting and begging for it to end. He hated himself at how perfect it felt. 

He hated himself for how wrong it felt. 

He just hated himself for letting himself feel again after so long of feeling numb.

Pushing past the fear and the anxiety in his chest, Higgs reached out again and touched Sam'a heated skin, reaching up to brush tears from his face as he felt his tipping point rising.

"That's it Sammy... my beautiful Hardass..." he breathed, lifting his hips to meet each of Sam's downward motions, trying to push him over the edge too.  
He needed this, wanted this more than anything. To feel close to Sam again, to feel loved again and like he wasn't a complete mistake. If Sam could still love him with his face the way it was, then... then maybe it was okay. Maybe he was okay.

_We both know you're not, though. If he knew you still heard me, he would lock you away somewhere no one could reach you, ever._

Sam sobbed, leaning into the touch, balling his fists in Higgs' shirt, making a mess of him. He held himself up, body taught and violently shaking from everything. 

It wasn't just physical, it was a release of emotions spilled from him like a gaping wound. Once he was empty he pulled himself tight to Higgs, his face hidden in his shoulder, clinging to him, his weeping easing over time.

It was perfect and terrible. He couldn't imagine anything that suited this man better.

Higgs fell over the edge with Sam, and when the man collapsed against him, he held him tight, rubbing gentle circles in Sam's back.

"Oh, my love..." he breathed quietly, huffing a breath out as he pressed a kiss to the side of Sam's head. "You are so amazing, so beautiful... and I have missed you, too," he breathed, playing at the bottom of Sam's hair, those long locks of his.

Sam clutched tightly to Higgs, not wanting to let go. He wanted to stay here, still connected to him, feeling the heat of him inside himself.

He hadn't felt warm in so long. 

"We shouldn't have done that..." he breathed, feeling a little nauseous and hesitant. He knew it was true, but he also knew he didn't want Higgs to leave. 

He didn't want to be alone without him again.

Huffing out another warm breath against Sam's skin, Higgs continued to rub circles in Sam's back and play with his long hair.

"Regret it later, when I'm not still laying under you, inside you," he hummed, nuzzling his nose against Sam's jaw. "For now, just shut up and rest, Hardass. Doubt you've had any proper rest in a damn long time," he added quietly, ignoring the nagging burn of Amelie's voice in his head, yelling at him and taunting him. Threatening punishment when he returned from his 'escapades'.

"I'm probably going to regret saying this... but I still love you." Sam sighed, letting himself be held and soothed. 

It was unlike what he'd gotten used to. She wasn't exactly a cuddly person, not one to linger and waste time when there was so much to be done.

It's what he missed about Higgs. The sex was great, there was no doubt about that, but it was the gentle intimacy that he craved more than anything in the world.

Stupid that his body made it so fucking difficult for him.

He settled, happy to breathe in the familiar scent, experiencing a man he thought was gone forever.

The younger man's heart soared, Sam's words going directly to his heart as a smile tugged at the corners of his lips. "I still love you, too, Sammy," he hummed quietly, running his fingers through Sam's hair as they lay there on the cool floor of the private room.

His face hurt, and he was sure he was going to have a nice shiner later, but his mask would cover that up just fine.

"Never stopped," he added quietly, barely above a whisper.

_But he did. He found himself a wife. Had a baby with her. It took him months to be comfortable with your touch, your company, but not her. 2 months and they were already married and pregnant._

A bubble of anxiety, of anger and of uncertainty settled into Higgs' belly, weighing on him.

Sam rested, his head on Higgs chest, eyes closed and drifting to sleep. 

"Did you like it?" He asked, the thought swirling around his hazy mind. "Did you like our home?" His voice was small, unsure of himself. Seeking out Higgs' approval. 

He still wanted to be by his side. Part of that made him sick.

A small little smirk tugged at his lips, his eyes closed now as he just held Sam, soothing him.

"It looked nothing like the couple of pictures you sent me. Did you make it and remake it?" He asked quietly. "I liked the one I got to see for myself... All those windows... it wouldn't feel so much like being trapped."

_You'll never get to live there, so just put it out of your mind now before you get hurt._

"A few times." Sam admitted, sliding himself off of Higgs, just so he could be a little more comfortable. 

"Was the closest I got to be with you. With you and alone at the same time. I cherished every moment I spent out there..." he sighed, resting his head on his chest, listening to his heart beating.

His heart rate skipped a couple of times, listening to Sam, knowing from his own mouth that Sam had thought about him. Had missed him, in his own way.

In that blissful, quiet and peaceful moment, Lou stirred in her pod, smacking her little hands against the glass, looking for Sam in the room and not finding him where he usually was. She made an anxious little sound, squishing her face against the glass.

Higgs sighed, throwing his head back slightly as he huffed a laugh. "Your little one is lookin for you, Sammy."

Higgs' little Buddy was tucked into the corner, his pod dark.

Sam got up, quickly moving to soothe the baby. "Shh... its alright Lou. I'm here." He smiled, rocking her pod gently. "Go on back to sleep." He hummed, his hand on the glass in front of her.

Quietly, he sang to her the song he sometimes heard in her memories, trying to get her back to sleep, calming himself in the process. 

He smiled, pushing a soft kiss to the glass where her head was. 

"I know I'm not supposed to get attached but..."

"Hard not to," Higgs murmured, looking Sam over as he tended to the little pod baby he called 'Lou'.

_Don't get too attached either, pet. To your baby or to Sam. All things are coming to an end, remember? That's our goal.  
End Game._

"You're a good parent. Wish I'd have had a parent good like you... Maybe I wouldn't have turned out so fucked in the head," he chuckled, tapping his head with two fingers as he pushed himself to his feet, grabbing up his discarded pants - he never wore underwear unless it was those lacy panties and the stockings.

...not that he would ever admit to any of that.

"I think you turned out alright... despite being a murderer and a terrorist." Sam smiled sheepishly, knowing that probably wasn't something to joke about. 

"Why? Why are you doing all of this?" He asked, finding his own pants and pulling them on.

Pulling his pants on and going over to Babu, Higgs picked up the little pod and cradled it in his arms, staring into the dark glass.

"...I can't stop," he murmured quietly before heaving a sigh. "The End is coming - the _real_ End - and God herself has given me a big part to play. She's tugging you along too, you just can't see it yet. But you will," he turned, attaching his little Buddy's pod to himself, pulling his hood up to hide the mess of his face.

"If God whispered in your ear, in your head, about the destruction that was to come, you'd understand. What I'm doing... it's a mercy, just like you did for me."

Sam turned his head away from Higgs, not wanting to remember. The last time he'd seen him. The terrible things he'd said. What he'd done. 

"You know I can't let it happen... we're still going to try and figure out a way to survive..." he reminded him. "The human race is like a cockroach. We'll adapt and endure some how." He felt himself stand up just a bit straighter. 

A lot of bravado for a man who still had tears drying on his face.

"I do love you Higgs... but I don't want to see you agaim."

His words were like a blade stabbing through Higgs' heart and twisting. He clenched his jaw as he wobbled slightly in place, his hand on Babu's pod for some sort of grounding.

"You... don't want to see me again?" He breathed, the sound of hurt in his voice so damn tangible that he hated himself for it as soon as the words were out there.

Amelie had been right.

_Aren't I always, Higgs? Someday you'll learn your lessons. Your Daddy couldn't teach you, but I will._

Higgs summoned his golden mask into existence in his hand, putting it to his face as he felt his dark tears dripping down his cheeks.

Sam chewed his lip, turning to look at Higgs, not able to look at his face. "I... no I don't think I do..." he shook his head. 

"I don't like this game you're playing with me. I don't want to associate my myself with a terrorist... and what you did to Fragile. I can't forgive these things, Higgs." He sighed heavily. The words came easier than he thought they would. 

Not wanting to mean any of it. He wanted his Higgs back. That dumb stupid, obnoxious boy had fallen in love with. Not whatever he'd been turned into. 

"So I think this is goodbye."

Twist, twist.  
Twisting that knife deeper into his heart, Higgs felt a numbness settle into his limbs, as he trembled slightly.  
His tears continued to drip down his cheeks as he tried to think of something witty to say.  
Something to make this better.

...but there was no fixing this situation.  
There was nothing left and he could feel it, now, could taste it in the iron of blood in his mouth from biting too hard on his own cheek.

He felt dirty, and used.  
One last fuck before Sam could real and truly forget him.  
That's what this felt like, that's the only thing this could possibly be.  
That wasn't love.  
This wasn't mercy.

_This, my pet, is better than any punishment I could hope to give you myself.  
Time to go back to your bunker, until I call on you for action._

Without another word - mostly because he didn't trust his own voice not to tremble as his body was - Higgs nodded. His hand clenched into a fist and released again, over and over a couple times as he tried to steady himself. In a quick flash, Higgs jumped, leaving the burning smell of chiralium in his wake, his mask hovering there in the air where he had been, streaks of black dripping down the gold, before it fell to the floor and burst into little gold particulates.

Back in his bunker, Higgs set Babu on his bed before screaming his voice hoarse. Once he couldn't make sound, he fell to the ground and curled in on himself, trembling uncontrollably there on the ground, holding himself.  
A physical wound would have been far more merciful. He could have come home to patch himself up.

This...

_There is no fix for damaged goods._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shut the hell up Amelie, amirite?!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
> 
> (that's all these chapters are anymore - eternally screaming into the Void and the Void just screaming right back)

Sam felt the temperature in his room drop drastically after Higgs left. Or, perhaps, it wasn't the temperature, but his body going numb again.

He had expected at least a little fight. He didn't expect him to go so calmly, just vanishing and there was no trace, other than the ache in Sam's back and the shame and guilt, that he'd been there at all. 

He wished things had gone differently. That he'd said the right things that could could fix what he'd done.

But he couldn't. It was too late now.

It had been days, almost weeks, since he'd heard anything from Higgs. That is, until he set some huge fucking BT after him, causing him to ' _try out his new weapons_ '. If he ever met Heartman in person he swore he'd be tempted to ' _try out_ ' his fists. 

Then again, the weapons did work, perhaps he could try for a better attitude. The one he currently felt was high, almost euphoric with adrenaline and the experience of surviving. It stuck with him the entire day's trek to the nearest city to get himself cleaned up.

It wasn't until he saw a figure on the table, green printed plastic, looking just like that thing in incredible detail, that his mood soured.

What the fuck was wrong with these people? The trucks and motorcycles he could deal with. But this? This was bullshit.

And they just kept showing up after his run-ins. They were really starting to piss him off, even more so when no one claimed to know anything about them.

Making Sam the little figures was his own way of coping, of dealing with that Sam didn't want to see him anymore.

Well, too damn bad, Sam Porter Bridges. I'm you're fuckin enemy now - sworn to fuckin tear apart everything you love so here's a goddamned figurine to remember all our stupid and totally insignificant encounters that definitely didn't get me a little hot and bothered under the collar sometimes.

Also, what the hell was Sam using to fight off his precious BTs? Higgs felt bad for them a bit, when Sam destroyed them. Especially his Chasers - poor Mekal had been destroyed more times than Higgs cared to count, at this point.

But it was a fun little give and take, really. The two of them, dancing between fire fights. Higgs leaving Sam little gifts, Sam giving Higgs gifts in the form of unintentionally posing for the pictures that Higgs plastered his wall with.

It was their relationship now.

...and he hated it.  
He wanted more.  
Wanted Sam.

So, with one of his more recent figures of the bike Sam lost to a raging river current, Higgs left a little note this time.

'Don't forget to scan your terrain, Sammy - next time it might be more than just a replaceable bike that gets lost to the current, and wouldn't that be such a shame. ♡ H'

Sam walked into the private room, pissed off he was walking in the first place, only to see the little plastic bike on the table. 

He was about ready to throw some things around when he caught sight of the note under the figurine. 

He read the note a few times over, sitting down on the bed. 

Higgs had been watching him. Had been following him. He was probably the one leaving the stupid little figures.

He wasn't sure if he wanted to be angry, furious even, that Higgs would still be following him. ...Or if it was a relief to know he was still out there. Just like when they'd cross paths out there before all this shit. 

He wanted those days back.

It was getting a little tiring, being stuck in his bunker so often, only getting to see Sam when Amelie gave him an objective that involved the other man.  
He was moving quickly across the country, expanding this network of theirs, adding more chiralium to the air.

Things called super cells were starting to form because of it. Big storms that formed and sucked up anything in its path. When one of said super cells sucked Sam up, Higgs panicked and threw himself into the storm after him, waking up with the sounds of machine guns blaring and other heavy weaponry.

What the fuck was all of this?

_You're on a Beach. A very important Beach._

As he did everywhere else, Higgs followed Sam carefully through this landscape, keeping himself hidden. He was being attacked by some weird guy that had tar tentacle soldiers and it was pretty crazy, but Sam seemed to just be rolling with it, all cool as a cryptobiote.  
When Sam seemed to tire the guy out, Higgs felt himself fall from the war zone Beach and back to the world.

Definitely have to make a figure of that creepy guy...

_Focus, Higgs. Sam's nearly to the end of this game. Are you ready for this? For the End?_

With the figure of the creepy soldier, Higgs left another note.

'That one was weird, don'cha think? But you were cool as cool could be. Somethings never change, eh Handsome Hardass?  
The End is coming Sam. Aren't you tired of the grind? This rinse and repeat bullshit? Time for the Game Over - I'll be waiting for you. ♡ H'

By the time Sam made his way pretty far west, he was having problems with Lou. Deadman said she was sick, starting to get too close to the side of the living. 

He was told he'd have to be without her, travel up and around in the mountains, littered with BTs on his own. Why the fuck did so many people live in the freezing cold anyway?

It was here, somewhere in the hypnotic white landscape that Sam decided he needed to take a break. He tossed down a PCC, making himself a safe house with the materials he got as gifts from the last few deliveries.

The mountains were rough terrain, probably the most rough of it all because of the damn near constant white out conditions. Higgs didn't mind it too much these days, since he was the one that had the power to control the damn BTs, but watching Sam struggle through it was a treat.

He took a few pictures of Sam slipping and falling into the snow, getting his ass all covered in that powdery white bullshit. More to add to his wall of Sam falling in hilarious fashion.

When Sam stopped to make shelter, Higgs furrowed his brow, jumping to the top of the safe house. He pounded on the elevator before jumping behind a large rock- shaped a bit like a BB pod, actually.

"Oh Saaaaammy~ Knock knock sugar," he called, letting his voice carry on the icy whipping winds. "I notice you're missing something - little Lou," he added, a twinkle of mischief to his voice as he peeked around the rock, waiting for Sam to come up.

When he didn't, Higgs huffed and jumped to the safe house elevator again, stomping on it once more.

"Whaddya say I go find her for you, hm? Bet I could, no problem. I've got friends on the other side after all."

Sam rolled his eyes, hearing the sound of Higgs' voice. How the hell could that scrawny bastard have followed him here?

He felt the flash of anger at the mention of his BB, activating the elevator and hoping the movement of it knocked Higgs on his ass. 

He wasn't having this fight half dressed in the freezing cold.

When the elevator started to move, Higgs toppled over slightly but quickly righted himself, smirking behind his mask at getting a rise out of Sam

"Oooh~ Did I touch a nerve Sammy? Missing little Lou? Must be hard traveling this far into my territory without her to save your ass."

"Your territory!? Your lucky you can float or whatever because you can barely walk up a fucking hill!" Sam hissed, trying his best not to swing at Higgs again. 

That didn't work so well the last time. 

"You leave her the fuck alone! Don't even think about her or I will find a way to kill you!"

"Oh hunny, you already did find a way to kill me, remember~ Nice and gentle into that good-night I went, thanks to you. You know... except for the explosion that came later," he purred, jumping behind Sam, flicking his tongue at the man's ear.

"I'll find her before you do, just like I found Amelie first. I have her, you know. Sweet, precious Amelie..." he chuckled, leaving his mask there as he jumped away into the snow, sprawled out on the ground.

"I made it into these mountains without you - I told you once and I'll remind you now - I am capable of handling much more than I seem. I used to have limits, but I'm the Particle of God, now. Her Herald of the End times... no limits here, Sammy boy."

The mask dropped as Higgs jumped in front of Sam again, catching the mask in his outstretched hand, bringing it to his face.

Sam jumped, feeling like he was turning in circles to keep his eyes on him. He didn't trust him behind him. 

"Didn't I tell you to leave me alone!? Lou's just a baby, you really going to hurt a baby just to hurt me?" He growled, finally having him in front of him, glaring at him. 

"If that's the case you're a fucking coward."

"Who says I'm goin to hurt little Lou, Sammy? Who says I'm tryin to hurt _you_?" He chuckled, the mask in place on his face again, his face in hooded darkness. "No, no... that's not my part to play. Not my part at all."

Higgs leaned in close, ghosting his nose over Sam, breathing him in before whispering to him.  
"I'm gonna find your little pod baby, little Lou, and I'll keep her _real_ safe. Nice and close to me - or, maybe, I'll leave the little one with Amelie. Nice and secure with my Homo Demens in the west," he turned his back on Sam, putting his hands out as he shrugged. "Good luck getting to either of them without your pod baby, though, Sammy boy. All goes to shit from here on," he added, throwing a half look over his shoulder at Sam before jumping again, floating himself in the air behind Sam.

Sam was going to reach out and grab for him, looking around for Higgs, feeling his breath on the back of his neck. 

"What do you want from me!? Just leave her alone! Come on Higgs... please... not her..." _She's all I have left._ Left unsaid, but implied in the desperation of his voice.

He couldn't lose her too. First he lost Higgs. Then his son and his wife. Then himself. When he got Lou... well he just can't.

"MORE!" He shouted, letting himself drop from his hovering place, taking that mask off and shoving it towards Sam's face. "You used to be so much MORE, Sammy. A challenge," he added, his hood falling back.

His makeup was darker and a bit smudgier than it had been, hiding the dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep. There were also odd equation scribbles across his forehead, now.

"I know you've been through hell, Hardass, but you always got the fuck back up and pushed on. You're useless to that kid like this. Might as well toss the fuckin pod in the incinerator where it belonged."

Sam snapped, knowing full well that Higgs could get to her easier than he could. He could get to her in minutes, having her gone before he could even find out where Deadman was keeping her.

The only way to do that was to make sure Higgs couldn't go anywhere. He was stronger now, but he was still just a stupid kid. 

Sam grabbed Higgs by the collar of his cape, pulling his face down and making contact with his knee. A satisfying crunch signaled that he probably broke his nose, hoping the blood and pain would distract him long enough for what he needed to do.

He pushed him down, reaching for his strand trying to wrap it around him before he could get up. He got him stranded, arms behind his back and kicking him in the stomach. "You're going to tell me where she is!"

"Ooohoohoo~ Yes! I _love_ the energy!" Higgs spit his own blood into the snow, a stark contrast of bright red against the crisp white landscape. "That sure got you goin," he hummed, wriggling a bit against the strand holding him in place.

Despite the pain searing through his face, Higgs couldn't help the big toothy grin as he peered up at Sam, his icy blue eyes dancing with excitement, and with something close to arousal.  
He let himself topple over in the snow, laughing before letting out a breathy cloud onto the air.

"Safe n' secure somewhere far the fuck away from here, I'd imagine. Wouldn't be hard to track her down, grab her up and disappear."

Sam watched Higgs, disgusted that he was a little turned on at the look in his eyes. Why was seeing him like this so hot? If he wasn't so worried about Lou, he'd kill them both. 

...But he couldn't risk Higgs coming back first. "You ever fucking touch her, I will bash your head in and bury you alive!" He threated, lifting him up by the strand to kick him in the face this time.

Higgs' body reacted, the sound of his shoulders popping as he tried to bring his hands in front of him to protect his face. Instead, Sam's boot made solid contact and he let out a sharp cry of pain that echoed through the cold mountain air.

This wasn't fun anymore, not really.  
There was a fear in his eyes now as he licked his lips, tasting nothing but his own blood. His body trembled slightly as he turned his gaze up to Sam, for a moment looking - and feeling - like the small boy he used to be.

"You'd have to catch me again, first," he breathed, a tremble to his voice.

_Stop egging him on, you stupid boy. You and I both know you would never hurt a thing so precious to him._

Sam kicked him again, hard, stomping down on his ribs. He heard another crack, knowing he'd broken something. 

He really didn't care. If it meant keeping Lou safe, he could kill Higgs a hundred times over. He could be violent and brutal if it mean that she wouldn't know any of his depravity. 

It hurt. Higgs used to be his everything. Sam never would have hurt him, it made him so sick that he had to now. But Lou and her safety was the only thing that mattered and the fear of what Higgs could do to her drove him to brutal violence.

Another scream echoed through the air as sharp pain shot through Higgs' body, a rib cracking and puncturing his lung. He could feel it, a very familiar feeling for his poor body. Every bone in his body had been broken at one point or another in his life - he knew what each felt like.

The uncontrollable shaking continued as dark tears started to mix in with his blood, smearing across his face and falling to the snow.

"P-Please...!" He whimpered, trying to curl in on himself, trying to make himself a smaller target so maybe he could protect other vital parts of his body from Sam's brutal attack.

_He's going to kill you, Higgs. Going to kill you and send you to me. Won't that be a treat._

Sam felt himself shaking, his body fighting against him, not wanting to do this to Higgs. Whatever small part in his heart that still loved the other man tried to stop him.

He'd been telling himself for so long that he hated Higgs. That he would do anything to stop him, and now that he was given the opportunity, he wasn't sure he could follow through. 

But he had to. For all he knew, he was just pissing him off now. Higgs clearly didn't care for Sam anymore. Not if he would hurt his sweet baby. If he were less of a man he would kick through the glass of that stupid empty pod. 

Instead he grabbed Higgs by the hair, trying to turn him, resorting to having to attack him from behind. He needed to make sure Higgs couldn't get up, and he had to he careful not to kill him to quick. No. 

He had to leave him here. He couldn't allow for a mercy this time.

A choked sob fell past his lips as his hair was pulled and he was maneuvered as Sam wanted, needed.

"D-Daddy please I-" Higgs' body trembled, squeezing his eyes closed, clenching his hands into fists at his back. "I'll be a good boy, please..." he whimpered, forgetting himself, forgetting where he was.

It was like being in that bunker in the dark all over again. He didn't know what he'd done this time, but he was sorry, he would do anything to make Daddy stop so he could just die, and everything could go back to how it was. His body could be whole again.

...but Daddy preferred to let things draw out. Preferred to teach Higgs his lessons nice and slow, because otherwise the stubborn mule of a boy just wouldn't lear-

His heart thudded to a stop, his eyelids snapping open as he looked to Sam - _not Daddy_ \- and felt a cold numb feeling swell in his chest.

It was like all the oxygen had been sucked from the world at those two simple words. 

_Daddy please_

And like that Sam hated himself more than anything else. How could he have become the one person he swore never to be. He felt sick, felt like he deserved anything and everything the end would bring. Maybe they deserved to go extinct as a species. 

Sam looked down at Higgs, letting him go. He still couldn't free him, not with the fear of what he might do to Lou. 

He turned, going back to the safe house, grabbing his things, those words ringing in his ears. All he wanted to do was go out there and grab Higgs, hold him, show him love and compassion and... show him mercy.

He feared the man he once loved had no mercy. 

He got his things, leaving the safe house, leaving Higgs laying in the snow. He got a little distance away before turning to go back to him. 

He grabbed the knife from where Higgs always kept it, pulling it out and tossing it a small distance away. He'd have to work for it, but at least now he'd be able to reach it. 

He wasn't completely heartless after all. 

He turned again, leaving and trying to think only of Lou. He tried his best not to see that fear in Higgs' eyes. The shock and disbelief when he saw it wasn't his Daddy being so cruel, but Sam. 

He hoped that ending the extinction would end the repatriate bullshit. No more rince and repeat. Game over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... how would you guys feel about another AU?  
> One where Higgs and Sam met while Higgs was still living in his and Daddy's bunker?
> 
> ...because mewsifer and I are writing that already and I just wanna know if anyone would be interested in reading that.
> 
> Let me know, and I hope you suffered as much as I did during this chapter ♡  
> Happy cliffhangers~♡♡♡


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